T
troubledwife
Guest
Hi
My husband left suddenly 3 months ago because my behaviour towards him had become verbally and sometimes physically abusive. The situation I found myself in was incredibly difficult, but I need to say this first because nothing excuses the way in which I reacted, so I want to acknowledge that I take full responsibly for everything that I did without in any way minimising or justifying it. I brought all my sinful behaviour to Confession regularly and have also begun therapy to learn what it is about my own history that led me to react in the way that I did.
I understand the need to separate and had indeed begged my husband on many occasions before that to allow us to separate temporarily because our relationship had become so destructive, but it had never been my intention to end our marriage because I do not believe that man has the power to do that. Because this is a separation with the bond remaining (assuming, for a moment, that there are not grounds for annulment), I am also mindful of the obligation for spouses to resume conjugal living once the cause for separation no longer exists. My husband, though, refuses to speak with me and has simply said in an email that he will not consider the possibility of our ever reconciling; he has already petitioned for divorce and has pestered me to return the papers as quickly as possible. But when I married, that meant submitting my marriage to the authority of the Church, so that is what matters to me.
One of the priests I spoke with, who has known us both for longest and knew of all the problems when they first arose, urged me quite forcefully to move on with my life because of the tremendous toll the relationship was having on me, but I cannot help but feel that it is far too soon to determine that there is some permanent, irremediable condition that would preclude our ever reconciling and that I am asked to remain open to this possibility. It also feels far too early to consider whether there are grounds for annulment, but, equally, without this, I would continue to live my life as if I were still married (not free to date etc.), irrespective of what my husband does.
I’ll try to give a sense of the issues as briefly as possible. Perhaps I am being too naive in thinking they are possible to overcome. We always had different arguing “styles”: my husband was typically passive-aggressive, whereas I would tend to lose my temper for a few minutes before immediately apologising. Three years into our marriage, at a time when work began to take me away more, I noticed something very wrong in my husband’s behaviour, far more than the usual PA, and that he was definitely lying about or concealing something. It took me another another 18 months to find out why, during which time our fights became more extreme, with him refusing to talk, running out with no shoes/coat in the middle of the night and not even acknowledging messages asking him to confirm he was safe, and I shouting and physically struggling with him to try to force him not to leave without arranging to go to a friend’s. Then I caught him sexting when trying on clothes in a shop and gradually I discovered a whole secret life of chat rooms, cybersex, Skype contacts, explicit tweets and emails to hundreds of girls far younger than him. He also admitted to having regularly looked at porn as a teenager and while we were engaged. I was devastated and anxious about just how young some of the contacts actually were, but felt I had made a commitment and that I wanted to stay with him through it. He promised he would stop, that he was sorry, a terrible person etc.; he agreed to my putting lockdowns on his phone/computer and to go to therapy. He reported that he had failed to individuate properly from an overly-controlling mother and that his “rebellion” was a sign he also needed more space from me too. I now see that there is truth in this (definitely issues with codependency), but at the time the way he phrased it sounded like an excuse to get away with more covert behaviour. The therapy fizzled out after a couple of sessions, and the lying and fighting continued to get worse over the next 18 months. I became desperate and sometimes felt like I was going crazy and even occasionally felt suicidal when his PA and lying was becoming more and more extreme (though I found no actual evidence of ongoing online addictive behaviour). My own behaviour was terrible: thinking in my desperation that I could compel him to stop whatever was going on, compassion went out of the window. He claims he left because, after I confided that I had had thoughts about not being able to keep going, his own life was in danger.
I have searched my own conscience and know that I feel into grave out of desperation and not out of malice as such. Therapy is already helping me to understand my reaction and to know that I don’t have to repeat my angry behaviour. Coming from the UK where it is less common to go to therapy, we have both only just started to work on these issues seriously. I am now feeling much more confident in my own ability to heal through that process and through deepening my prayer life above all. I cannot be sure that we could reconcile, but I can say that I can’t yet be certain that there is no hope not do I wish to deny the power of the Holy Spirit. Should I really be taking the advice of well-meaning friends and my therapist to move on and build a new life? I struggle to reconcile that with my strongly-held belief in the indissolubility of marriage and with the need we all have to conform our will to that of the Lord.
With apologies for the lengthy post, I thank you for any guidance you can offer and ask you to keep us both in your prayers.
My husband left suddenly 3 months ago because my behaviour towards him had become verbally and sometimes physically abusive. The situation I found myself in was incredibly difficult, but I need to say this first because nothing excuses the way in which I reacted, so I want to acknowledge that I take full responsibly for everything that I did without in any way minimising or justifying it. I brought all my sinful behaviour to Confession regularly and have also begun therapy to learn what it is about my own history that led me to react in the way that I did.
I understand the need to separate and had indeed begged my husband on many occasions before that to allow us to separate temporarily because our relationship had become so destructive, but it had never been my intention to end our marriage because I do not believe that man has the power to do that. Because this is a separation with the bond remaining (assuming, for a moment, that there are not grounds for annulment), I am also mindful of the obligation for spouses to resume conjugal living once the cause for separation no longer exists. My husband, though, refuses to speak with me and has simply said in an email that he will not consider the possibility of our ever reconciling; he has already petitioned for divorce and has pestered me to return the papers as quickly as possible. But when I married, that meant submitting my marriage to the authority of the Church, so that is what matters to me.
One of the priests I spoke with, who has known us both for longest and knew of all the problems when they first arose, urged me quite forcefully to move on with my life because of the tremendous toll the relationship was having on me, but I cannot help but feel that it is far too soon to determine that there is some permanent, irremediable condition that would preclude our ever reconciling and that I am asked to remain open to this possibility. It also feels far too early to consider whether there are grounds for annulment, but, equally, without this, I would continue to live my life as if I were still married (not free to date etc.), irrespective of what my husband does.
I’ll try to give a sense of the issues as briefly as possible. Perhaps I am being too naive in thinking they are possible to overcome. We always had different arguing “styles”: my husband was typically passive-aggressive, whereas I would tend to lose my temper for a few minutes before immediately apologising. Three years into our marriage, at a time when work began to take me away more, I noticed something very wrong in my husband’s behaviour, far more than the usual PA, and that he was definitely lying about or concealing something. It took me another another 18 months to find out why, during which time our fights became more extreme, with him refusing to talk, running out with no shoes/coat in the middle of the night and not even acknowledging messages asking him to confirm he was safe, and I shouting and physically struggling with him to try to force him not to leave without arranging to go to a friend’s. Then I caught him sexting when trying on clothes in a shop and gradually I discovered a whole secret life of chat rooms, cybersex, Skype contacts, explicit tweets and emails to hundreds of girls far younger than him. He also admitted to having regularly looked at porn as a teenager and while we were engaged. I was devastated and anxious about just how young some of the contacts actually were, but felt I had made a commitment and that I wanted to stay with him through it. He promised he would stop, that he was sorry, a terrible person etc.; he agreed to my putting lockdowns on his phone/computer and to go to therapy. He reported that he had failed to individuate properly from an overly-controlling mother and that his “rebellion” was a sign he also needed more space from me too. I now see that there is truth in this (definitely issues with codependency), but at the time the way he phrased it sounded like an excuse to get away with more covert behaviour. The therapy fizzled out after a couple of sessions, and the lying and fighting continued to get worse over the next 18 months. I became desperate and sometimes felt like I was going crazy and even occasionally felt suicidal when his PA and lying was becoming more and more extreme (though I found no actual evidence of ongoing online addictive behaviour). My own behaviour was terrible: thinking in my desperation that I could compel him to stop whatever was going on, compassion went out of the window. He claims he left because, after I confided that I had had thoughts about not being able to keep going, his own life was in danger.
I have searched my own conscience and know that I feel into grave out of desperation and not out of malice as such. Therapy is already helping me to understand my reaction and to know that I don’t have to repeat my angry behaviour. Coming from the UK where it is less common to go to therapy, we have both only just started to work on these issues seriously. I am now feeling much more confident in my own ability to heal through that process and through deepening my prayer life above all. I cannot be sure that we could reconcile, but I can say that I can’t yet be certain that there is no hope not do I wish to deny the power of the Holy Spirit. Should I really be taking the advice of well-meaning friends and my therapist to move on and build a new life? I struggle to reconcile that with my strongly-held belief in the indissolubility of marriage and with the need we all have to conform our will to that of the Lord.
With apologies for the lengthy post, I thank you for any guidance you can offer and ask you to keep us both in your prayers.