Healing from impurity in previous relationships

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Youngling11

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So me and my gf have been in a great Catholic relationship and have been pursuing chastity together for 7 months now. I recently found out that she has had a darker sexual past than I originally thought. She has done “more” in her previous relationships with her bfs at the time than I have done in my previous relationships. I know that I need to take this to prayer and I’ve verbally forgiven her but I’m having a difficult time letting it go internally. Again, we are both chaste with eachother now and have been chaste since our past relationships. It just kind of hurts to know that she has given that part of herself to another person. When I try to bring it to God in prayer I feel pain so it’s really difficult. I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced this and I’m asking for advice on how I can forgive my girlfriend and her ex in my heart so that I can stop dwelling on it too much…

(And I would appreciate it if y’all would be a little more comforting than straightforward because I’m feeling some pain in all this. Thanks )
 
Really just keep praying, keep going to mass and keep going to confession. I know that’s probably not enough detail but that is what will help . Pm me for something that helped me
 
We’ve had some similar threads before and one point people made was that if having a partner who is “more experienced” than you causes you to be bothered or hurt, that person may not be the right person for you. Best to let them go to someone who is not concerned with their past.

One concern is that the upset or hurt may return each time you have a difference with the person going forward.
 
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On the other hand it can be a great way of dealing with you own sins and habits or judging others. I know that was the case with me (I was the judger) and have come out the other side with a better understanding of the person I later married
 
Its a good exercise in truly trusting in the power of confession. I assume she’s been absolved of past sins.

In terms of her past sins being “darker” than yours… have you ever been impure with yourself? You don’t have to answer that, but most young men have. Yet according to St Thomas Aquinas, masturbation is objectively more disordered than fornication. Fornication is more in accord with natural law.

(Don’t get me wrong - 21st century priests tend to treat fornication as more serious than personal struggles… but it goes to show that judging the “darkness” of one’s past isn’t always…ahem black and white).
 
Yeah, I don’t want to sound unkind to the OP, but this isn’t really something for him to “forgive”, if the girl went too far with a previous boyfriend before she was in a relationship with OP.

If she cheated on OP with another man, then that’s a situation where OP would need to forgive them both. But it sounds like this was before she started dating OP. So it’s not something she personally did to OP. It is a sin before God and God is who does the forgiving here. If she’s confessed and been absolved, then she needs no further judgment or forgiveness. Just to “sin no more.”
 
It’s tough to get past though as the Op will be worried about comparisons and all the baggage that comes with doing things with another that they didn’t do with you. Lots of reflection and lots of prayers are the only way thru along with time. It helps when the other person shows they are sorry for their past to which I am sure they are
 
Tis_Bearself said:
Yeah, I don’t want to sound unkind to the OP, but this isn’t really something for him to “forgive”, if the girl went too far with a previous boyfriend before she was in a relationship with OP.
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This.

OP, I appreciate you’re upset but there’s nothing for you to forgive. She hasn’t done anything to you that means you have to forgive her. So I would put that notion out of your mind.

Focus on the here and now. She wants to do better, so she (and you) need to put it behind you and move forwards together. No more ‘verbally forgiving her’ and dwelling on it. If it comes up in conversation, push it away. If it comes up in your mind, focus on how your girlfriend is prioritising chastity and do something else that takes your mind off it.

Don’t let this poison your relationship.
 
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Forgiveness is a God like activity. We can learn to forgive. God forgives and forgets. It is almost impossible for humans to forget. One think I picked up from what you wrote was that her sins are worse than yours. That is dangerous to believe.
It may be too late but it is not a good practice to Dump the garbage of your past sins on a prospective mate! Pray for a forgiving heart and take a good realistic look at your own sinfulness. It should humble you! Pm me and we can discuss.
 
It could be possible that this judgement of the past you struggle with is exactly what God sees as a weakness in you to be strengthened. Perhaps through allowing you to be exposed to this kind of situation, the hope is you will find strength through facing it.

It’s not an easy thing to go through, I would know. But when you pray the rosary and contemplate the sorrowful mysteries, let it sink in that the wrath of God for the sins of man was such an agonizing thought to our Lord Jesus that He literally went full-blown hematidrosis and began sweating blood.

Our Lord understands the pain of contemplating the past sins of those He loves, so keep praying!
 
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I understand it is painful to discover her past is different than yours op.
The fact she is being chaste and has been for the past 7 months means a lot though,she is really trying to go about a new relationship the right way.
And for her ,the effort may be greater than yours to stay pure…so hats off to her 🙂 It sounds like she has really put the past behind her.
A practicing Catholic can move on ,not even re visit a past relationship in their mind ,that chapter is over and done with and the focus will now be about the new person,God and moving forward.
:pray:t2:
 
I don’t bring up my past sex life with my wife and she don’t bring up hers. It’s not relevant to the present and there’s no reason to do it in my opinion.
 
A major reason I married my husband is because he didn’t care how many other guys I had seen. I had met too many jealous guys or guys with hang ups already. My husband was secure in himself and wasn’t bothered about other guys.
 
First thing, unless either of you has an STD or a pregnancy, no need to discuss details of past. Sin is forgiven by God, you move on.

If either of you is not a virgin and that is a deal killer for the other, then, be up front about it.

Now that you have opened pandora’s box, if it is a deal killer, end it now and be kind to her. In the future do not talk details!!!
 
It must be hard for you and I am sorry. I think that if she is really serious about her relationship with you and is truly trying to live out chastity with you it shows she has at least somewhat left her past behind and is sorry. Everyone makes mistakes and especially now a days other is pretty common for people to have sex before marriage. You don’t need to marry a virgin. Personally I think you are expecting too much when you are expecting to marry someone with a chaste past. I was told occasionally in different talks or just as personal advice to “save myself for my husband”, bit it seems kind of off. If I stay chaste it it not so much for my future husband but for God.

It seems like you weren’t perfectly chaste in previous relationships and in that respect you can understand how difficult it can be to be chaste. I don’t think you should judge her. If she acts like she can’t let go of her previous relationships then let her go, but it seems like the problem is with you and your mindset.

Sorry if that was in anyway offensive. I don’t have very much experience with this sort of thing so I am just stating an opinion. Others probably have more experience and better advice
 
OP, there’s solid advice here. However, if she told you or insinuated that she was chaste before, then I would be concerned with the lying more than anything else.
 
Youngling11 said:
So me and my gf have been in a great Catholic relationship and have been pursuing chastity together for 7 months now. I recently found out that she has had a darker sexual past than I originally thought. She has done “more” in her previous relationships with her bfs at the time than I have done in my previous relationships. I know that I need to take this to prayer and I’ve verbally forgiven her but I’m having a difficult time letting it go internally. Again, we are both chaste with eachother now and have been chaste since our past relationships. It just kind of hurts to know that she has given that part of herself to another person. When I try to bring it to God in prayer I feel pain so it’s really difficult. I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced this and I’m asking for advice on how I can forgive my girlfriend and her ex in my heart so that I can stop dwelling on it too much…

(And I would appreciate it if y’all would be a little more comforting than straightforward because I’m feeling some pain in all this. Thanks )
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When you say she has done “more”, does that mean that you are a virgin but she isn’t, or that neither of you are virgins but she has had more partners? I’m not looking for an answer, just trying to help you clarify to yourself. If neither of you are virgins, I don’t see any cause to complain; but if you are and she isn’t, I can see how you’d feel, as Jason Evert puts it, “gyped”.
twf said:
Yet according to St Thomas Aquinas, masturbation is objectively more disordered than fornication. Fornication is more in accord with natural law.
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Didn’t Aquinas also advocate keeping prostitution legal so unmarried men would not “burn” (or something to that effect)?

According to St. Paul in 1 Corinthians, fornication is a sin in a class by itself. He compares it to uniting one’s self to a prostitute. It is because there is a physical union with someone other than one’s spouse that it is that serious.
 
I’d suggest trying to determine what about this issue is bothering you. Does it have to do with expectations of a life partner, your own insecurities, questions about her strength of character? Something else entirely?

If you truly find yourself unable to let it go, then I’d suggest ending the relationship rather than let it fester and continue to spoil things for both of you. Some people cannot get over certain things about their partner and trying to pretend that you can will only result in heart ache for both in the long run. Even feeling that we SHOULD be able to isn’t sufficient unless we truly can let it go. Acting “as if” won’t work here.

I’d do a lot of serious soul searching and praying. Also be honest with her about your feelings so she can make an informed decision as well. She may not want to be with a partner than feels as you do, or she may be able to help you work through it, but honest communication is vital.

Everyone has sinned, fallen short, and demonstrated their humanity to an alarming degree, so it might be worth considering in what ways and in what areas you have done so and what red flags that might raise in a partner if they knew everything. On some level we are all walking mine fields, yet we endure, learn, improve, move forward and stumble again, and hopefully our partner helps us get up, dust off and continue on.

It doesn’t sound as if you are judging her so much as that there are aspects of this particular issue that are bothersome to you, but since you do mention forgiving her, maybe you are feeling judgemental. Do you feel superior in some sense for not having similar history to answer for? What are your real worries that are brought up by this?

I think it’s smart to assess both our own and our partners past behaviors, but also to do so in the light of our present behavior and who they demonstrate they are today. People should learn from their past and be able to make better choices. If they continue to make the same poor choice even after becoming aware and possibly suffering negative consequences, that is something to worry about.
 
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