Healthy decision making

[Anglewannabe]

I am the type of person who goes likes to think about things silently and once I have made my decision, then I announce my plan of action to people. For example, I was thinking of buying a house/condo, looked around the internet for months, looked at my finances got all the information and when I saw an affordable house, I bought it and told people about it. Many were shocked that I made a ‘rash’ decision. They didn’t realize that it was though out behind the scenes for months

Also, I am the type of person that if I make a decision and a few weeks later, realize it was not a good decision, I can live with it because I know in my heart it was the best decision given the available information at the time.

I have also learnt over the years, some people talk things out loud, constantly change their minds and some never make decisions. I understand that different people have different styles and respect that.

The problem I have is when people don’t stick to the original decision and it affects me.

For example (and this is just an example to make my point since I really don’t know who is really on this forum and want to protect my anonimity), let’s say that person A (which is me Angie), Person B ‘Barb’ and person C’ Cathy all want to get together before Christmas. And Barb calls me and says 'time is running out, I know this is last minute but I was hoping you and Cathy could come to my place tomorrow to discuss what we will do for Christmas. So, not liking to be called at the last minute but understanding Barb’s point, I go over for coffee. Cathy as well as Dawn (who I was not expecting is there). We spend 2 hours talking and it is finally decided that we will go to supper not Saturday but the next one. I am good with that

The next day, I need to call Barb for something else and she says 'By the way, I was talking to Dawn and she said Erica said ‘what were you thinking making plans in 2 Saturday’s, I fly out that morning to go to my mom’s for Christmas, we need to make another date’ and Barb tells me we need to agree on a different date.

I tell Barb that I am annoyed because I went to her place on short notice because I thought it was important we make the decision asap and I feel like she wasted my time. She replies, ‘It was not a waste of time, we needed to make the decision, and now we need to be flexible because new information came to light. We just found out Erica wants to come’

Well, I am thinking, why didn’t Bard have Erica over for coffee? If Barb could not think of calling her over for coffee, why should Erica’s schedule matter? If being with us meant so much to Erica, why did she not express interest and reach out to us instead of waiting to find out we were getting together from Dawn?

The truth of the matter is, had all this taken place over email and nothing definite was decided and it came out that Erica wanted to come, I would have understood being flexible. But to use my evening going over for coffee so we could get together and make a decision, only for the next day the decision be changed is where I feel insulted.

Just curious as to how others see it

Angie

 

[Viki63]

It is annoying.
People can be (and often are) annoying, either thoughtless or intentionally.
As Mother Theresa said, love them anyway.

Wishing you all the best for Christmas!

.

 

[Irishmom2]

Life happens, Angie. Nothing is written in stone.

It is sad that you view going to your friends house to have coffee a waste of time.
Tell them that date no longer works for you by all means, and don’t go. You can stay home with your principles and be alone. Is that a better choice than being flexible? Is your life so planned and packed with activities that going on a different day is not possible?
Be happy you have friends that you can do things with instead of viewing them as people that need to do things your way all the time, or on your time schedule.

May the peace and love of the Christ child fill your heart with Joy. Merry Christmas Angie.

 

[pianistclare]

• like a thousand.

In the New Year, try this from St. Theresa of Calcutta; 15 tips to being a more humble person.

1. 
   *]Speak as little as possible about yourself.
   *]Keep busy with your own affairs and not those of others.
   *]Avoid curiosity (she is referring to wanting to know things that should not concern you.)
   *]Do not interfere in the affairs of others.
   *] Accept small irritations with good humor.
   *] Do not dwell on the faults of others.
   *]Accept censures even if unmerited.
   *]Give in to the will of others.
   *]Accept insults and injuries.
   *]Accept contempt, being forgotten and disregarded.
   *]Be courteous and delicate even when provoked by someone.
   *]Do not seek to be admired and loved.
   *]Do not protect yourself behind your own dignity.
   *]Give in, in discussions, even when you are right.
   *]Choose always the more difficult task.
   
   I’m publishing this in the New Year’s Day bulletin for my parish. Seems like some great “resolutions” of sorts.
   
   Have a Blessed Christmas.

 

[AdamP88]

That’s life. Plans Change. Though I can totally relate to how annoying it is to be told you’ve made a “rash decision” when in reality you’ve been mulling it over for months.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Life happens, Angie. Nothing is written in stone.

It is sad that you view going to your friends house to have coffee a waste of time.

First I want to say that was an example. I did NOT go to coffee at a friends house. I went to a different sort of meeting but since most in the situation are Catholics and could be on this forum, I used ‘going for coffee’ as an example. If the decisions that was made was simply about what to do for Christmas, then yes I can see it was no biggie

I used an example to make a point. The point I am trying to make is feeling pressured into making an urgent decision, changing my plans at the last minute to accommodate someone’s need for urgency, only to be told it was not that urgent in the first place

Angie

 

[Irishmom2]

First I want to say that was an example. I did NOT go to coffee at a friends house. I went to a different sort of meeting but since most in the situation are Catholics and could be on this forum, I used ‘going for coffee’ as an example. If the decisions that was made was simply about what to do for Christmas, then yes I can see it was no biggie

I used an example to make a point. The point I am trying to make is feeling pressured into making an urgent decision, changing my plans at the last minute to accommodate someone’s need for urgency, only to be told it was not that urgent in the first place

Angie

But even if it was just an example, Angie, it is still how you feel. Honestly, the healthy way of making a decision is to not give into feeling pressured to make an urgent decision. But again, even in your example, you come across as being very inflexible. Life is not cut and dry like that.

 

[Lorelei12]

The truth of the matter is, had all this taken place over email and nothing definite was decided and it came out that Erica wanted to come, I would have understood being flexible. But to use my evening going over for coffee so we could get together and make a decision, only for the next day the decision be changed is where I feel insulted.

Just curious as to how others see it

It seems like the other people you were with for coffee (or whatever the real activity was) saw it as another opportunity to get together for a social engagement, but you do not. So next time, maybe say “I can’t get together tonight, but I am available on these dates, so let me know what you decide and I’ll get back to you about whether I can attend or not.”

Honestly, I think it’s a little weird, if you like these people and like spending time with them, to see the evening as a waste of time. It wasn’t a business meeting; it was friends getting together. Even if the get-together had the specific purpose of finding a Christmas gathering date, did you not have a nice time getting together anyway?

 

[Anglewannabe]

But even if it was just an example, Angie, it is still how you feel. Honestly, the healthy way of making a decision is to not give into feeling pressured to make an urgent decision. But again, even in your example, you come across as being very inflexible. Life is not cut and dry like that.

Dropping my plans at the last minute to go over is inflexible? So when I was called I was suppose to say 'this is too much pressure we will talk about it later? When there were other people involved and she was trying to accommodate everyone’s schedule

 

[Anglewannabe]

It seems like the other people you were with for coffee (or whatever the real activity was) saw it as another opportunity to get together for a social engagement, but you do not.

No they did NOT see it as a social engagement, a decision about a serious matter needed to be made

It wasn’t a business meeting; it was friends getting together.

umm…actually it was a type of business meeting. Like I said I used an example

Even if the get-together had the specific purpose of finding a Christmas gathering date, did you not have a nice time getting together anyway?

No, actually I felt one guy was being rude to one lady that was there, and I spent the whole time trying to think of ways to divert the issue from him picking on her

 

[pianistclare]

If this is the worst thing that happens to you, you are very blessed. Read post 4 again.

 

[Anglewannabe]

If this is the worst thing that happens to you, you are very blessed. Read post 4 again.

Well, there was motive behind me asking about healthy decision making. I have been part of this committee for almost 4 months. I thought it would be a good way to give back to the community.

However, from what I have seen, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was not a one time thing. Decisions are rarely made although there is lot of talk about needing them. And I am trying to figure out if I should stay on this committee or not

 

[gardenswithkids]

Committee work can be frustrating. People serving on committees have varying degrees of time and talent. Leading a committee requires management skills, which not everyone has.

It sounds like the leader didn’t have all the necessary information before calling the meeting. If the person is a volunteer, I’d cut that person some slack but make a mental note that what this person perceives as urgent may or may not be urgent.

 

[mommy_k]

Well, you have a choice. Some people are not planners or follow structured decisions as you do. Some are just as incapable of doing this as you are in going with the flow and the changes that result. They are spontaneous.

Neither way is better or worse, it just is what it is.

You can either accept that or not. If you dont, you need to tell them in a kind way to remind them that you are a planner, and that last minute changes are hard for you, just as sticking to a plan is hard for them.

 

[chevalier]

I am the type of person who goes likes to think about things silently and once I have made my decision, then I announce my plan of action to people. For example, I was thinking of buying a house/condo, looked around the internet for months, looked at my finances got all the information and when I saw an affordable house, I bought it and told people about it. Many were shocked that I made a ‘rash’ decision. They didn’t realize that it was though out behind the scenes for months.

Smile and tell them it was a decision preceded by months of looking around and considering your options. If they act like you haven’t said that or like it isn’t true, then ask them point blank if they wish to contradict you.

This is something I often do online, because when people get in an argumentative mood they won’t stop arguing against whatever they want to argue against even when it becomes clear the facts are different than they thought.

Also, I am the type of person that if I make a decision and a few weeks later, realize it was not a good decision, I can live with it because I know in my heart it was the best decision given the available information at the time.

That’s healthy. And probably the fruit of a lot of patient self-work.

[qoute]I have also learnt over the years, some people talk things out loud, constantly change their minds and some never make decisions. I understand that different people have different styles and respect that.

Good for you.

The problem I have is when people don’t stick to the original decision and it affects me.

People’s antics always starts being a whole different class of problem when it they start to affect you, don’t they?

For example (and this is just an example to make my point since I really don’t know who is really on this forum and want to protect my anonimity), let’s say that person A (which is me Angie), Person B ‘Barb’ and person C’ Cathy all want to get together before Christmas. And Barb calls me and says 'time is running out, I know this is last minute but I was hoping you and Cathy could come to my place tomorrow to discuss what we will do for Christmas. So, not liking to be called at the last minute but understanding Barb’s point, I go over for coffee. Cathy as well as Dawn (who I was not expecting is there). We spend 2 hours talking and it is finally decided that we will go to supper not Saturday but the next one. I am good with that

The next day, I need to call Barb for something else and she says 'By the way, I was talking to Dawn and she said Erica said ‘what were you thinking making plans in 2 Saturday’s, I fly out that morning to go to my mom’s for Christmas, we need to make another date’ and Barb tells me we need to agree on a different date.

Yes, that’s awful. It sounds like you have compassion for flip-floppers, so how about you just communicate your wishes to them and expect them to also adjust to you when you’re in something together, rather than only you adjusting to them? Especially if it’s something professional or some other matter of serious responsibility and chaos is detrimental because it prevents the job from being done at all or properly.

I tell Barb that I am annoyed because I went to her place on short notice because I thought it was important we make the decision asap and I feel like she wasted my time. She replies, ‘It was not a waste of time, we needed to make the decision, and now we need to be flexible because new information came to light. We just found out Erica wants to come’

Typically crazy social butterfly sort of thing. It’s probably in the personality type. You can’t really change them, but that doesn’t mean you can’t train them a bit when mutual co-operation is required.

Well, I am thinking, why didn’t Bard have Erica over for coffee? If Barb could not think of calling her over for coffee, why should Erica’s schedule matter? If being with us meant so much to Erica, why did she not express interest and reach out to us instead of waiting to find out we were getting together from Dawn?

Calm down, Angie, get a cold drink. Your brain is working overtime. (And you won’t find the answers. The realization nearly killed me when I made it in my life, but after that I got better. Life’s easier this way.)

only for the next day the decision be changed is where I feel insulted.

They almost certainly didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, let alone offended them. You would gladly forgive an airhead some unintentional, not too big, not permanent physical injury, right? Forgive emotional injury the same way.

Besides, people acting like airheads aren’t really capable of causing offence with what they do. It’s just too unserious. And offences are a matter of serious minds.

Just curious as to how others see it

I’m afraid I’ve just given you more than you asked for. Sigh. C’est la vie. Here’s a Christmas tree for you, Angie. :christmastree1:

 

[chevalier]

Committee work can be frustrating. People serving on committees have varying degrees of time and talent.

Which is why heaven is not a republic.

 

[pianistclare]

Well, there was motive behind me asking about healthy decision making. I have been part of this committee for almost 4 months. I thought it would be a good way to give back to the community.

However, from what I have seen, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was not a one time thing. Decisions are rarely made although there is lot of talk about needing them. And I am trying to figure out if I should stay on this committee or not

So now it’s a committee and not a gathering of friends?
I counted approximately 30 “I” statements on your OP.
Committees don’t function around one person. Get off the committee and focus on cooperation and Saint Theresa’s plan the new year.
At every turn your problem is other people. Either forgive them or amend your thinking. You’ll be happier and more respected.I’ll pray for you. Happy New Year

 

[Irishmom2]

Okay, so now that you told us the truth, I went back and reread your first post.

You cannot apply the same thing to a committee meeting as to a group of friends. True, some of the committee may be your friends, but a committee meeting is like a business meeting. Sometimes it takes multiple meetings to get everyone together, or to arrange getting everyone together. There are personality types that are not necessarily of your choosing, and that can cause conflict. Things with a group often take longer to make happen. (Think dumb group projects in school. )

But unless you are the chairperson of the group, you have to be flexible about meetings. If you are new to the group, you need to roll with the flow and see how the group works.

It may not be for you Angie. If you crave structure and results and no socialization, just want to get it done, maybe this committee is not your thing.

 

[CradleJourney]

Well, there was motive behind me asking about healthy decision making. I have been part of this committee for almost 4 months. I thought it would be a good way to give back to the community.

However, from what I have seen, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was not a one time thing. Decisions are rarely made although there is lot of talk about needing them. And I am trying to figure out if I should stay on this committee or not

Personally, I’m with you - decisions are made by those who show up … and those that don’t need to make it work (or not) for themselves. Maybe that’s why I’ve never done well on committees - I don’t have the knack for doing all the cross-talking, re-deciding, etc. And it always annoyed me.

The two choices are obvious, of course - either accept this is the way they work and go along with it or quit and avoid the frustration. One other option that worked for me was to take on one small part of the committee’s mission, come up with my own plan using a minimum of people and being prepared to do 90% of the work myself, run that part while reporting back to and inviting in participation from the rest of the group.

Example - there was one monthly program that I particularly liked doing, but was being driven to distraction by the lack of clear decision making and communication from the rest of the group. With permisison, I gradually took it over, clearly stating when/where/how the monthly activity was going to happen, then did the prep work and showed up. Some months I had several more people than expected there, some months it was just me and maybe two others, but the job got done every month, the beneficiaries of our activity got their rewards timely, and everyone either expressed their enjoyment of participating or was kind enough to be quiet about it. I got the satisfaction of making sure this got done “right” even if I didn’t get all the social benefits from it I would have liked. But that’s me.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Committee work can be frustrating. People serving on committees have varying degrees of time and talent. Leading a committee requires management skills, which not everyone has.

Agreed. Because this is a volunteer position, I suspect being the chair went to the person who was willing to take on the role

It sounds like the leader didn’t have all the necessary information before calling the meeting.

Actually, a report by an outsider was made with recommendations. The emergency meeting was called after receiving the report. We voted on a decision. The next day, the chair was talking with the outsider who made the report and told her what was voted on. The outsider informed the chair that was not how she would have done things. So the chair decided to not implement the voted upon decision and implement different ones. Then when I said ‘but that is not what we voted on’, the chair said ‘I suspect with Christmas people did not have the time to read the report which is why we will not uphold the decision.’ to which I replied ‘If it was too close to Christmas to expect people to read the report, then why was the meeting called?’ And that is when she said ‘we need to be flexible when new information comes to light’ I honestly don’t see what new information came to light. IMO calling the meeting was amistake

If the person is a volunteer, I’d cut that person some slack but make a mental note that what this person perceives as urgent may or may not be urgent.

Again, agreed. However, if I can not trust what she says and I am a volunteer as well, I don’t think me being on this committee is going to work