Heartbreak

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I am sorry but I feel like I am being attacked a little for believing that one day he will come back. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t we are not to know until it does/doesn’t happen but there is no trouble in being positive.
I feel you are being a bit patronising regarding our ages. Our brains develop (emotionally at the very least) every day until we die so I think it is a bit negative to say that as we are young it means we’re not supposed to be together.
We dated for a year before going long distance, and the distance was never as bad as we expected as we saw each other at least one weekend every 3-4 weeks. It actually made us closer. It is hard to deal with sometimes, like when you’re sad/stressed/ill/etc so I believe that when his depression got really bad he found it too much which is understandable. However I would like to point out that he has never once blamed his depression for breaking up with me. He has never gave me hope that we will get back together as he doesn’t want it to be false which would further hurt me. For that I am grateful however I think deep down he knows it will happen.

The whole reason I stated to post on here is because most of my friends are agnostic at best and think I am crazy for beliving in God, therefore if I were to talk about possible signs from God then they would probably laugh at me or try to committ me to a mental home.
I was hoping for an understanding from posters here. While a few people have given a positive reaction I think most responses have been negative dismissal of potential signs.
I think all that matters is what I believe and I believe that they were signs from God. Especially since knowing about how depressed he is and having a few more signs (I am no longer going to share what these are because I feel like they will be trivalised).

I have been in love before and had my heart broken before however what happend to me when my ex broke up with me didn’t break my heart it felt like it destroyed it. I have never loved anyone as much as I love him. I honestly can’t see how I will ever feel this way (or stronger) again for another person. And yes, granted at the time of sorrow you never fully feel like you’ll be happy etc again but it happens, but like I say this is how I am feeling NOW.
At the very least if all that happens is one day we become friends again I will accept that it is God’s plan however I know that we will have more again. Hopefully it is soon but I will wait until his depression is at least under control until I can fully move on or get back with him.
God always tests us and this is deffinately a test. I am just hoping it is a test of our love and faith for each other and that one day (soon) we will find the path to each other again.

I’m sorry if I rambled, and again I’d like to apologise if you think I am ungrateful or attacting you because I am not at all. I just think that you are letting your bad experience do all the talking and not considering the other possibilty that he needs time to sort himself out and if/when we get back together it would be 1million times better than before in every single way therefore this pain would be worth it.
Having said that you might be right about him not being the one for me, only time will tell so I guess patience is the virtue for me to follow while I stay positive and hope for the best.

God bless
x
 
D_Karamazov said:
  1. I found me a rebound girl, now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying give your heart out to this person, but find someone cute, patient, and willing enough to casually date you that you can OCCASIONALLY rant to about your ex (keep in mind if you rant too much or right away, you’ll have more than one person to be pining for) Still though, just having that other person to help focus your feelings towards helps, at the same time BE CAREFUL, don’t go overboard and fall in love when you’re feeling that emotional, if you feel like you can control yourself, and just be a good girlfriend to this person without going crazy its a great option.
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Just listen to that advice yourself. You’re basically saying, “get yourself a rebound boy, just don’t fall in love, you can find someone else when you get over your ex.” That’s wrong and that’s basically using. Besides, romantic relationships are for the purpose of “discerning” marriage (i.e. finding out whether it’s the person you want to marry or not) and not emotional benefits for a definite time period. A relationship which is not intended to last should not even start.
 
Allow me to clarify my position my little french knight. I’m not saying don’t fall in love, or to use someone else. It’s mutual benefit, the other person enjoys your company as you enjoy theirs. What I’m warning against is letting your emotions get the best of you, and falling in love with someone who you wouldn’t ordinarily fall in love with and get serious with. I’m not advocating leading them under false pretenses by any means, only to find someone who you can help take your attention away from the old flame, you don’t even have to date them exclusively, there is suh thing as “courting” and it works quite well. I do agree though that romantic relationships are meant for finding ones spouse, that’s why in whoever you date you must be cautious, because if you do fall in love, you may put yourself into a marriage that is less than ideal, what I am urging is extra caution in this perilous emotional state, and for that matter the romantic relationship doesn’t have to be anything more than talking on the phone a few nights a week.
 
I think I understand what you mean as I think I have found a friend who is like that. I have known him for a couple of years but about 8 months ago we started chatting on fb more and became a bit closer. Since my break up he has been very kind to me as he went through something similar a while back so he understands how I feel. However it is not a “rebound” as he has a girlfriend for a start and I really am not ready for something like that, it is just friendship.
I have took your advice about starting a novena.

I am back at uni now and I thought it would be easier to be here as I would be distracted etc more however it is worse. I was unpacking my room at the weekend and came across a book my ex made for me for my birthday (last novemeber) it has made me cry. I am now scared of what else I might find so I’m avoiding unpacking the last boxes for a while.
I am positivie it was his depression that lead us to split, therefore I feel until he gets help and sorts himself out I won’t have a real answer because he might change his mind. On the other hand I know he might never change his mind - however this scenario is too upsetting to think about. Is it wrong for me to cling onto the hope? If we had a bad relationship or broke up due to arguements/someone else/etc then I would accept the horrible scenario but because we broke up due to his depression and the distance then I feel that when he is more sorted he might be strong enough to work through the distance again (especially because it is only 8 months until I move home for good, which I’m sure will fly by).

Thanks & God bless
x
 
D_Karamazov said:
Allow me to clarify my position my little french knight. I’m not saying don’t fall in love, or to use someone else. It’s mutual benefit, the other person enjoys your company as you enjoy theirs. What I’m warning against is letting your emotions get the best of you, and falling in love with someone who you wouldn’t ordinarily fall in love with and get serious with. I’m not advocating leading them under false pretenses by any means, only to find someone who you can help take your attention away from the old flame, you don’t even have to date them exclusively, there is suh thing as “courting” and it works quite well. I do agree though that romantic relationships are meant for finding ones spouse, that’s why in whoever you date you must be cautious, because if you do fall in love, you may put yourself into a marriage that is less than ideal, what I am urging is extra caution in this perilous emotional state, and for that matter the romantic relationship doesn’t have to be anything more than talking on the phone a few nights a week.
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You’re being a tad bit inconsistent, my little Russian dandy, and I worry about your definitions. “Courting” is a prolonged act of “suing” (the way you e.g. sue for peace, not just sue for money in a court) for the hand of a lady. Clearly, finding a rebound boyfriend or girlfriend does not even begin to resemble this. “Mutual benefit” does not remove the “benefit” part. If mutuality made things right, premarital sex would be right. In your scenario, there is not even true mutuality anyway, because it’s you deciding what benefits you and the other party will get; you don’t ask, “will you be my rebound boyfriend/girlfriend?” In essence, you are claiming a person to use as a crutch to get through an emotionally turbulent or downthrodden period, in exchange for just being nice to that person or something of the kind. That’s still using the rebound boy or girl and you’re circling around it. As for it not having to be exclusive, then as long as you mean merely spending time together and talking, then there might be some point in what you said; otherwise, if what you mean is a non-exclusive romantic relationship which involves declarations and displays of feelings, including kissing or cuddling, which many people these days see as a recreational activity, then that sort of thing being non-exclusive only makes matters worse because it basically follows a polygamous or a no-strings pattern, of which neither is good.
 
You’re being a tad bit inconsistent, my little Russian dandy
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Chevalier, you just made me spit coffee all over my monitor.

Karamazov, argue with the barrister at your own risk. 😉 He’s pretty thorough in his analysis. (Which is why I think he’s adorable. )

(For the record, you are correct, Chevalier. Pope John Paul II said the opposite of “love” is not “hate” it is “use.”)
 
Hello,

please help today has been very distracting.

I haven’t spoke to him at all for 16 days now (not that I’m counting…) and it feels so weird. I don’t know if he’s waiting for me to talk first or if I should wait for him to talk first?
It is my birthday in one month and I at least want to be “ok” with him because the thought of him not being there makes me very sad. As it is so soon I feel like I’m running out of time to at least make the situation ammicable in time.
Any ideas?

I keep praying, and I’m half(ish) way through my Novena (I say ish cos I’m aware its for 9 days so its not totally half).
I really wish I could have a conversation with God where he would reply with words. That is why I am looking out for signs from him.

Please try to offer some kind of advice as I feel so confused.

(Btw I am being a lot more positive than I was but its still just as hard)

God bless
x
 
He can go 16 days without hearing your voice. Think about that.

Women cause a lot of problems for themselves with artificial timetables. And dates. And anniversaries. Then they wonder why men break up with them right before or after anniversaries and birthdays. They think if they can keep something going till that special date, then it is real. The date and the celebration becomes the focus. Not the reality of the state of the relationship.

I’m not one for living on false hope. That’s why you may think I’m so negative. Being positive over a gloomy situation to me is not living in reality. To me, in some situations, if you can smile, you don’t have a full grasp of the problem in front of you.

I lived on false hope for years. It’s a meager diet and it leads to spiritual and emotional starvation.

Look at your birthday in another way: God is giving you the gift of freedom from someone who does not need you as much as you need him.

You are seeing signs and ignoring them and hoping people will tell you the signs you want to see.

Go back and read my first sentence.

Unless he’s in the Hindu Kush fighting the Taliban right now, there is no excuse for him to let 16 days go by without saying hello, I love you. Except the obvious excuse… his idea of this relationship and yours do not converge any longer.

If your hands are full of something, however good you may think it is, God cannot fill them with something better.

😉
 
It has been 16 days as he told me we should have some time without speaking. For all you or I know he could be sat at home wondering why I’ve not contacted him and wanting to contact me but waiting for me to make the first move. He might not be but you don’t know that and seeing as you have never met me or him I don’t feel like you’re in a position to say.

I feel the claim that “women cause a lot of problems for themselves” is a very sexist and stereotypical thing to say.
I am not wondering why he has broke up with me close to a special date I am simplying expressing that I hope we can at least be “ok” with each other by my birthday as I know that if we aren’t I will be sad and I do not want to be sad on my birthday again.

He has depression which is why we broke up, therefore thinking positive and thinking maybe one day when he has sorted himself out he might change his mind is not living in false hope. Or at least I don’t believe it is. And even if it is it is up to me how I live my life.
 
I’ve been married a long time. But, I remember the intensity of feelings when I was young, when I wanted nothing more than to be loved and to love someone.

In my senior year of high school, my girlfriend broke up with me after several years of spending every day together. I was devastated! Actually, she said she needed some space, but it was the end. I cried. I drove by her house. It was terrible. I held out hope that she would come back, but she never did. Married the first person she dated after breaking up with me. Got divorced.

My wife and I were friends on an off for five years before we got married. I think I mentioned that it wasn’t entirely smooth. She backed away several times before finally realizing we deserved each other (:rolleyes:)

Why am I rambling on like this? Well, milletsmo, there is nothing that will heal this pain but time. That time starts when you move on. It seems almost impossible now, but you will indeed survive this.

Some who are posting here are a little older, and have a little perspective. I know this is intense. It might have been the longest 16 days of your life. I am so sorry. But, let go. Fill your days with other things. You will be fine.

But, as Liberanosamalo said, if you decide to be sad if certain things not under your control don’t happen, you will indeed be sad, but it will be of your own making. You can decide to be happy just as easily as you can decide to be sad.🤷
 
*That’s a great post, Paul.🙂

milletsmo…I’m reading a really great book right now written by Dale Carnegie…I mean, one of the best books I think I have EVER read. It’s basically a book about worry, and how we have the power to worry or not. And how worry doesn’t get us anywhere, in fact, it can cause great harm to us. He also speaks briefly about grief…and loss. One of his tips for people dealing with loss, or grief (and you might feel like you have suffered a loss) is to keep busy. I had to reread that a few times, but yep, it stated…to keep busy. Get involved in your own life, and if this man comes around, great. If not…you haven’t kept your life on hold. :o Every day matters…and I just hate to see you put your life on hold for something or someone that may or may not ever come to fruition.

Just my two cents. *
 
I’m sorry you are sad. And I’m sure there are many people who have never met you or your friend either. They will come here and tell you what you want to hear and give you hope and tell you it will be all right and he’ll come around. And somehow they will have more validity in your mind than I do.

I was just giving one objective point of view based on the information you have given us.

Why is he being passive?

And do you really want to base your life and future happiness around someone with such deep mental health issues? I promise you it’s not fun and it doesn’t make for happiness. I’ve had about 20 years of miserable birthdays because of the issue. Focus more on your life ahead and less on a day on the calendar. That’s the only way you’ll guarantee any hope of long-term happiness.

You are at an age where people diverge. Many people do not make their spouse choices till long after the roads have diverged and some people have gone down one path and the rest are on the remaining path with the other remnant. Late teens early 20s is a major time for many crippling mental health issues to fully emerge in young adults. Because you have been with him so long so far, you are along for the ride. I just ask you if this is what you want for the rest of your life.

Have you ever been the wife crying and pleading with a man to get some help? Putting up with his displaced anger and depression? Being blamed for all his problems? Dealing with his self medicating? Watching your children deal with his issues as children with limited child resources? Do you want this man’s issues to be inherited by your future children?

Is this the man you are going to choose, come hell or high water to provide happiness and stability for any future children you may have?

He can’t even provide it for himself.

Unless you want to stay in rescue mode for the rest of your life, you must do some serious thinking and praying.

And I don’t need to have met him or you to see a classic pattern of social worker/rescuer emerging here. You’re going to make this shoe fit whether it’s your size or not. And you’ll attack anyone who tells you differently or suggests that you’ve outgrown this size. Drowning people have a way of drowning their rescuers who jump in to save them.

Don’t be mad at me.

“One day when he has sorted himself out and he might change his mind?”

Is your life worth nothing? Is your own time worth nothing? Until you get counseling to find out why you don’t think you deserve better than to wait in suspended animation for an indefinite period of time for him to fix himself and his problems and love you like you love him, you will consign yourself to being treated like your needs don’t count and you will wonder why you’re unhappy.

It’s one thing to marry someone and later find out he’s got huge issues.

It’s another to bravely go forward with someone with issues that he’s working on.

It’s quite another to refuse to budge and not run for the hills when you’ve been shoved away by someone who won’t even help himself. What family issues from your own family of origin are you replaying in your role as rescuer here would be my first question. And I ask that in all kindness and sincerity. When you analyze that, you might have an answer in your own life as to why you aren’t seeing this man’s behavior as a perfect sign from God that he is not for you.

Stop and think of the mind reading you’ve just put in there. HE told YOU you needed time to go without speaking. “For all you or I know he could be sat at home wondering why I’ve not contacted him and wanting to contact me but waiting for me to make the first move.”

Let me tell you, head games like that will make YOU depressed and crazy. He’s set you up for a fall. No matter what you do it’s the wrong thing. You call, he told you not to call. But he might be sitting there expecting you to call. If you don’t, he blames you for not calling, because you didn’t want him. I was married to that. Sure ticket to madness.

He told you not to call and you aren’t sure whether his words really mean anything or if he says one thing and wants another? How well do you really know him?

You think a lifetime of happiness will follow with someone who expects you to be a mindreader?

I’m older than you. I learned stuff the hard way. Yes, women make a lot out of anniversaries. As long as they celebrate that date, it’s what they gauge the success of things on. I’m watching one right now where she contents herself that on that date he’s nice. He treats her like garbage the rest of the time, but she has contented herself that as long as he’s nice on that one day, everything is fine. Not! 🤷

Live your life as you want it. But you came to a Catholic forum looking for advice and you seem to reject anything you don’t want to hear. As a Catholic, you are obligated to pray for the man. Keep the door open to friendship. But as a Catholic, we believe that marriage is SO SERIOUS that someone who has serious mental health issues that are untreated may not be capable of giving the full consent of the will required to make a marriage valid. You need to examine this man and his mind reading games and his head games in that light.

If he came to you tomorrow and said Marry me now and make me happy, you’d do it. Wouldn’t you? And there would be no real consent because there would be an implied threat that if you said no, you’d lose him forever. That’s your biggest fear. Not being tied to a man who distances himself from you and everyone else when he is depressed and doesn’t make relationships work or do half the work to do so. And there would be a haste to the altar before he changed his mind again, wouldn’t there?

That’s the kind of mental games and instability that makes for ill-considered and invalid marriages.

Please step back and look at this more honestly. You’re looking at it through emotion. I’m looking at it based on other things.
:o

As long as you’re looking forward on the calendar, circle Christmas. If he hasn’t gotten help by then, give yourself a present and say goodbye and move on. You need to set some dates and focus on some things for YOU.
 
Wow, you’re story is pretty much exactly like mine, except my girlfriend is the one who ended with me. I loved her dearly and planned on proposing. She was totally on board and we were excited to start a family. However, recently, after 3 years of serious commitment she suddenly told me she felt no romantic attachment to me anymore. It crushed me because she was the love of my life and I would’ve done anything for her love. I treated her like a queen. She told me she needed space to find what she wanted and it kills me to think whatever she was looking for she didn’t find in me. This happened only a couple of days ago so I am still devastated with shock and grief.

I don’t know if I will be able to make it without her because she really was perfect for me and anyone who knew us would say the same. In fact, her family felt like she broke up with them too. It’s still early on, but I really hope she gives us another chance and realizes I was a great catch. My biggest fear though, is if during this “indefinite break” we’re on, she finds someone else and forgets about me. To think of her with someone else and being happier is just crushing.

I was supposed to be her Mr. Right =(

Anyway, I hope you find solace. I’ll pray for both our sakes.
 
I am praying with all my heart for you and all others who are suffering in the way you are. I will pray for you daily and I am so sorry you are hurting like this. I know how it feels. Remember that you are never alone, you are surrounded by God’s love and hope. Please don’t lose faith, whatever happens is His will.
 
CatholicMike317 said:
Wow, you’re story is pretty much exactly like mine, except my girlfriend is the one who ended with me. I loved her dearly and planned on proposing. She was totally on board and we were excited to start a family. However, recently, after 3 years of serious commitment she suddenly told me she felt no romantic attachment to me anymore. It crushed me because she was the love of my life and I would’ve done anything for her love. I treated her like a queen. She told me she needed space to find what she wanted and it kills me to think whatever she was looking for she didn’t find in me. This happened only a couple of days ago so I am still devastated with shock and grief.

I don’t know if I will be able to make it without her because she really was perfect for me and anyone who knew us would say the same. In fact, her family felt like she broke up with them too. It’s still early on, but I really hope she gives us another chance and realizes I was a great catch. My biggest fear though, is if during this “indefinite break” we’re on, she finds someone else and forgets about me. To think of her with someone else and being happier is just crushing.

I was supposed to be her Mr. Right =(

Anyway, I hope you find solace. I’ll pray for both our sakes.
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Apart from the fact the thread is quite old (2009 actually)… 😉 Mike, romantic feellings supposedly tend to fate in between 6 months and 2 years. It’s no wonder they eventually went away for your girlfriend.

And I’m not even talking about feelings per se, as in holding someone dear, feeling emotionally close and so on, but the part about being fascinated, enthralled, excited etc. may and often will fade. If someone is after that, too bad, it won’t always last forever (at the very least, as I suspect it rarely lasts for long save for exceptional cases).

As for needing space, that might be a common case with women in this era. At least it hit now and not after the wedding (it could be enough to make marriage difficult but not enough to make it invalid. At least you aren’t ending up with a wife that avoids you, can’t find time for you, and sooner or later decides she prefers to be single or with someone else (i.e. someone new).

If she does come back, I don’t want to discourage you from being forgiving but you may need to look at the situation and ask yourself if she can be trusted to stay with you faithfully even when she meets more attractive men after marrying you and if she’s ready to make a commitment that will require a lot of time and effort on her part.
 
I’m in the same boat. I dated what I thought was a wonderful woman. When I met her we went to mass together, we stayed up late speaking about the Bible, history, our lives, watching the moon and the stars, laughing together, and of course kissing and holding hands. We were two peas in a pod. We had our own little things that made us, “us”. You know those little things that you share with each other, certain songs, certain looks, the little things about them that really captivate your heart and one day you realize to yourself, I genuinely love this person with all my heart! How beautiful that moment is. Then, colors start showing and I found that this wonderful woman, the one that when I close my eyes I still see her face, was cheating on me, started using recreational drugs such as cocaine, stopped attending mass, and lied to me time after time. I was duped. And after all of that, people want you to rationalize in your mind and somehow expect your feelings to change for that person; the person you love. Jeremiah 17:9 tells us the heart is deceiving, who can know it? How very true that is. Because all of the rationalizing about how bad she was for me, or how awful of a person she was, and how she betrayed me and lied to me countless times; none of that can erase what I feel for her. Jeremiah 17:9 is very true. Your mind can know something, but somehow our heart can be so cruel to us. Why something that is supposed to give you so much joy betrays its own master, you, I will never understand.
 
I read every single post on this thread and I’m wondering how everyone is doing now that a good amount of time has passed.

I recently found myself in the same situation as CatholicMike. My gf of 2.5 years broke up with me saying that she needed time to figure out herself. We had plans to be engaged at the end of this year so needless to say, I’m devastated.

I’m hoping things turned out well in the end for CatholicMike and Milletsmo which would give me hope.

I’m completely depressed, feel hopeless and worthless. I know God has a plan for all of us but it’s hard to see why this had to happen. I’ve been praying the rosary every night, hoping that God would speak to me but I don’t get any answers. I’m losing hope and really need some inspiration.
 
BionicPianoMan may I recommend that you begin a new thread as this thread is 3 years old.

We are discouraged from reviving old threads. Many of the people in this thread no longer post in CAF

If you copy and paste your post into a new thread, people will be able to offer you kind support.
 
BionicPianoMan said:
I read every single post on this thread and I’m wondering how everyone is doing now that a good amount of time has passed.
…
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Oh that’s easy! Just do a search. From the last we heard from Milletsmo (the original poster), it seems she is doing GREAT! Looks like a couple years brought her much maturity and spiritual insight: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?p=8890737#post8890737

Yes. Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof.

My favorite part of this thread? Here:

“Allow me to clarify my position my little french knight.”

“You’re being a tad bit inconsistent, my little Russian dandy.”
 
BionicPianoMan said:
I read every single post on this thread and I’m wondering how everyone is doing now that a good amount of time has passed.

I recently found myself in the same situation as CatholicMike. My gf of 2.5 years broke up with me saying that she needed time to figure out herself. We had plans to be engaged at the end of this year so needless to say, I’m devastated.

I’m hoping things turned out well in the end for CatholicMike and Milletsmo which would give me hope.

I’m completely depressed, feel hopeless and worthless. I know God has a plan for all of us but it’s hard to see why this had to happen. I’ve been praying the rosary every night, hoping that God would speak to me but I don’t get any answers. I’m losing hope and really need some inspiration.
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I’m so sorry, I will pray for you. It hurts so much when we lose someone we love very much, but maybe all is not lost…or do you think she was just “letting you down easy?”
 
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