Heartbroken and confused

[emeraldocean]

I need help, badly. I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend broke up with me two months ago. It was pretty much out of nowhere and I didn’t expect it at all. And I can’t get over him. I can’t move on. I was falling in love with him, I thought I was going to marry him. I truly trusted him not to hurt me. I thought he would always be there for me. He told me I lit up his life and that he was afraid of losing me and it was him who talked about the future. My initial thought was to take it slow and not be talking about kids etc right away, but he would bring it up so I would answer. Eventually I thought that was the page he was on so I talked about it too. He was everything I ever wanted. I thought he had such a good heart.

I need to get him back but I don’t know how. He lives several states away (we met online) so it’s not like I can try to meet up with him for a quick talk. He answers my texts and we have talked once since the breakup. But he just answers my questions, he doesn’t take an interest in my life or ask me things. I don’t know what to do. I always believe that nothing is impossible. There is a course of action I can take that will result in him and I getting back together, and there is a course of action which will result in us not getting back together. On the one hand, I desperately want to get him on the phone and just pour out my heart with everything I am feeling. I am not sure that he understands how strong my feelings were for him, or how much he has/is hurting me. But the articles I’ve read online do not seem to advocate that. On the other, I could keep in touch and try to send light, positive messages, trying to bring up the good memories that we had together. To make things more complicated he says he has moved on and is trying to find a new girlfriend. So I feel like any pulling that I do to bring him back to me will just push him more toward the girl he has now met via the website. Since that relationship is new, it won’t have any problems yet and will only give him good feelings, where I will give him bad feelings. So the best thing to do seems to me to be let him date her and let that end and blow up in his face. It most likely will because I don’t think he gets that the honeymoon phase doesn’t last forever. But what do I do? Do I keep texting him just to stay in touch? Do I leave him completely alone and risk him just forgetting about me? Do I tell him all my feelings and then leave him alone?

I am so confused and sad, and I don’t understand why God brought him into my life just to take him back out again. It seems like I try very hard to do everything right and live a good life and try to find someone who also will lead me toward God. Yet I keep going through so much heartbreak and torment while other people just skip through life in lasting relationships. I don’t understand how my boyfriend could have cared about me so much and now just seem to want me out of his life. I am praying for clarity on what I should do, I have prayed a bunch of novenas, yet I still can’t find peace and feel stuck, like there is no good direction I can move in.

 

[tawny]

Praying to the Holy Spirit to give you guidance, direction, strength, fortitude & wisdom in your time of need.

 

[1ke]

Yes, you do need help. Not to get him back, but rather to see your worth and value independent of any “boyfriend”.

You were in a long distance relationship, and you built it up in your mind to be something it was not. Online it is easy to do this. He certainly contributed by talking about the future as if you two were a serious item.

Be thankful that you are rid of this person who is dishonest in his dealings with women.

You do not need to “get him back”. In fact, I can think of nothing more disastrous. Please get some counseling if you are having trouble seeing that your happiness does not depend upon having a boyfriend.

And, just another word. You say you don’t know why God brought him into your life, as if God actually DID do that. He brought himself into your life, or you brought him in by either sending or responding to an email and by signing up on this website. God does not micro manage our lives. We are free to act. You acted, he acted. And, now it’s ended. Frankly, it sounds as if you dodged a bullet.

Don’t text him, don’t email him, don’t respond if he texts or emails or calls. Don’t scheme or plot. Walk away. Be done.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

Is it possible that the man is really in love with love ?
Immaturity on his part ? Where as you are more mature and wish to go further on life’s journey ,
How often have you spent Face to Face ? Or has it all been on the internet ?
He may be just playing the field on the internet, just like a child excited playing with a toy,
Best to break any form of contact, and find a real man that will take you seriously ,
Give you the love and trust you deserve ,

God Bless ,

 

[EnglishTeacher]

I need help, badly. I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend broke up with me two months ago. It was pretty much out of nowhere and I didn’t expect it at all. And I can’t get over him. I can’t move on. I was falling in love with him, I thought I was going to marry him. I truly trusted him not to hurt me. I thought he would always be there for me. He told me I lit up his life and that he was afraid of losing me and it was him who talked about the future. My initial thought was to take it slow and not be talking about kids etc right away, but he would bring it up so I would answer. Eventually I thought that was the page he was on so I talked about it too. He was everything I ever wanted. I thought he had such a good heart.

I am sorry; that hurts. Sometimes people say things they don’t really mean, or perhaps he thought he meant them at the time. But he is saying another thing by his actions.

I need to get him back but I don’t know how. He lives several states away (we met online) so it’s not like I can try to meet up with him for a quick talk. He answers my texts and we have talked once since the breakup. But he just answers my questions, he doesn’t take an interest in my life or ask me things. I don’t know what to do. I always believe that nothing is impossible.

No, you don’t need him to get him back. You need to move on and forget about him. He clearly doesn’t feel the same way about you that you do about him. It is sad and no doubt his loss, but you will be better off taking a little time to heal and then finding someone who truly loves you and desires you and who will take the trouble to pursue you–not the other way around.

There is a course of action I can take that will result in him and I getting back together, and there is a course of action which will result in us not getting back together. On the one hand, I desperately want to get him on the phone and just pour out my heart with everything I am feeling. I am not sure that he understands how strong my feelings were for him, or how much he has/is hurting me. But the articles I’ve read online do not seem to advocate that. On the other, I could keep in touch and try to send light, positive messages, trying to bring up the good memories that we had together. To make things more complicated he says he has moved on and is trying to find a new girlfriend. So I feel like any pulling that I do to bring him back to me will just push him more toward the girl he has now met via the website. Since that relationship is new, it won’t have any problems yet and will only give him good feelings, where I will give him bad feelings. So the best thing to do seems to me to be let him date her and let that end and blow up in his face. It most likely will because I don’t think he gets that the honeymoon phase doesn’t last forever. But what do I do? Do I keep texting him just to stay in touch? Do I leave him completely alone and risk him just forgetting about me? Do I tell him all my feelings and then leave him alone?

Don’t text him or contact him in any way. He has made it clear how he feels, and chasing after him won’t do any good. He knows how you feel, but he doesn’t return the feelings. Chasing after a man who doesn’t return your feelings won’t make him fall in love. It just doesn’t work that way. Don’t waste anymore time pining after him. After your emotions subside and you can see the situation with an objective eye, you will be glad that you saved your dignity and self-respect and ceased pursuing him.

I am so confused and sad, and I don’t understand why God brought him into my life just to take him back out again. It seems like I try very hard to do everything right and live a good life and try to find someone who also will lead me toward God. Yet I keep going through so much heartbreak and torment while other people just skip through life in lasting relationships. I don’t understand how my boyfriend could have cared about me so much and now just seem to want me out of his life. I am praying for clarity on what I should do, I have prayed a bunch of novenas, yet I still can’t find peace and feel stuck, like there is no good direction I can move in.

Again, I am sorry; dating can be rough. I do know very much how it is. Keep your head up and move on to the next one!

 

[GEddie]

An online relationship with someone several states away?

There was never anything there, except in your mind.

That is where healing needs to be, so you can move on and find someone better.

ICXC NIKA

 

[runwaymodel]

Breakups are hard, especially if he was the first guy you were falling for. I can understand that, but friend, you shouldn’t chase after a man who doesn’t want you…now that is truly heartbreaking.
Just give yourself some time, have a night with you friends where you watch funny movies and eat comfort food. That will help lighten your mind. I promise you the feeling will pass. Maybe this can be a wonderful lesson to build up your self worth and esteem. One day you will meet someone and realize why this long distant thing didn’t work.
Prayers for you.

 

[emeraldocean]

Is it possible that the man is really in love with love ?
Immaturity on his part ? Where as you are more mature and wish to go further on life’s journey ,
How often have you spent Face to Face ? Or has it all been on the internet ?
He may be just playing the field on the internet, just like a child excited playing with a toy,
Best to break any form of contact, and find a real man that will take you seriously ,
Give you the love and trust you deserve ,

God Bless ,

We did meet in person on two occasions, each time for about 5 days. We talked via skype for a few months leading up to that. We would talk every night.

I do think he is somewhat emotionally immature as his reason for the breakup was that he ‘didn’t feel the spark anymore’…I think he doesn’t understand what love is, that it takes effort and it’s about you caring about the other person and trying to make them happy rather than butterflies. Yes attraction is important but that was definitely there.

 

[emeraldocean]

Yes, you do need help. Not to get him back, but rather to see your worth and value independent of any “boyfriend”.

You were in a long distance relationship, and you built it up in your mind to be something it was not. Online it is easy to do this. He certainly contributed by talking about the future as if you two were a serious item.

Be thankful that you are rid of this person who is dishonest in his dealings with women.

You do not need to “get him back”. In fact, I can think of nothing more disastrous. Please get some counseling if you are having trouble seeing that your happiness does not depend upon having a boyfriend.

And, just another word. You say you don’t know why God brought him into your life, as if God actually DID do that. He brought himself into your life, or you brought him in by either sending or responding to an email and by signing up on this website. God does not micro manage our lives. We are free to act. You acted, he acted. And, now it’s ended. Frankly, it sounds as if you dodged a bullet.

Don’t text him, don’t email him, don’t respond if he texts or emails or calls. Don’t scheme or plot. Walk away. Be done.

Without any boyfriend I basically have no hope for the future and am just hurtling toward a future as a spinster. I am 25, everyone will say that’s not old, but it seems like I should at least be dating my future husband if I am going to get married and have a big family. I’ve had boyfriends before but none have been as difficult to get over than this one. He’s the first thing I think of in the morning and the last at night.

It wasn’t just online, either, we did meet a few times and he took me on the best dates I’ve ever been on. I liked doing little things to make him happy and he did the same for me.

The other thing I don’t get is if I had gotten engaged to this man, everyone would say God did it, brought him into my life, etc. But when he comes into my life and leaves, that is our doing and not God’s. Why are the good events God’s doing, but when something good goes wrong, that is not God removing that person from my life but instead it’s our doing and God is not as involved? How involved in my life is God?

 

[runwaymodel]

The other thing I don’t get is if I had gotten engaged to this man, everyone would say God did it, brought him into my life, etc. But when he comes into my life and leaves, that is our doing and not God’s. Why are the good events God’s doing, but when something good goes wrong, that is not God removing that person from my life but instead it’s our doing and God is not as involved? How involved in my life is God?

Well, as I mentioned earlier, maybe God did bring him into your life as a lesson for you to gain some self worth and confidence. I’m not saying you have low self esteem or anything, not at all, but you need to realize you are extraordinary. Never tie your worth down to anyone.
One day you will come across a man that values you. We’re pretty much the same age so I understand the frustration, but honestly, just focus on yourself and be happy. That happiness radiates and will attract the right one. Being in your mid 20s is wonderful. The freedom of an adult yet you can still be childlike. Enjoy it! I know I am. :hug3:

 

[Caroline723]

Without any boyfriend I basically have no hope for the future and am just hurtling toward a future as a spinster. I am 25, everyone will say that’s not old, but it seems like I should at least be dating my future husband if I am going to get married and have a big family. I’ve had boyfriends before but none have been as difficult to get over than this one. He’s the first thing I think of in the morning and the last at night.

It wasn’t just online, either, we did meet a few times and he took me on the best dates I’ve ever been on. I liked doing little things to make him happy and he did the same for me.

The other thing I don’t get is if I had gotten engaged to this man, everyone would say God did it, brought him into my life, etc. But when he comes into my life and leaves, that is our doing and not God’s. Why are the good events God’s doing, but when something good goes wrong, that is not God removing that person from my life but instead it’s our doing and God is not as involved? How involved in my life is God?

Well, God brings everything into being simply by His willing of existence. But in all vocations, human will is essential too. And the vocation of Marriage can be particularly troublesome because it involved two separate human wills.

I have been where you are. Truly, I have. I have been convinced that because I felt such a deep connection or love, something I had never felt so deeply for another man, that it must certainly be God’s Will, especially when it was for another devout Catholic. And I persisted in pursuing that guy, and ignored the most obvious sign that the relationship was over (which of course, is when he says “it’s over”). I set myself up for a whole new world of pain, because as I pursued him, he showed more and more character traits of someone I would never be happily married to. It seriously got to a point where I had to lie to my friends about his character in order to say anything good about him. That’s not necessarily your guy; I’m just say that you can’t judge a relationship simply by how strong you feel.

It’s been only two months. Just because you’re in pain doesn’t mean you’re meant to be with him. And while I am aware that in many parts of the country, people marry very early, objectively, 25 is way too young to call yourself a spinster.

Did you go to college? Do you have a job? It troubles me that you say that without a boyfriend you have no hope for the future… that is a very bad position from which to seek a spouse.

There is a positive in this experience - you can grow into a stronger, more mature, more emotionally cautious person.

Do you have friends? Call them instead of calling him. You need to cut contact with him, so that your heart can heal, and you don’t waste months or years, missing out on everything else God has in store for you. No one dies from a broken heart (except Jimmy Stewart, gentleman that he was). You will be happy again; you will date and love again. You need to just be patient and let time heal this.

 

[emeraldocean]

Breakups are hard, especially if he was the first guy you were falling for. I can understand that, but friend, you shouldn’t chase after a man who doesn’t want you…now that is truly heartbreaking.
Just give yourself some time, have a night with you friends where you watch funny movies and eat comfort food. That will help lighten your mind. I promise you the feeling will pass. Maybe this can be a wonderful lesson to build up your self worth and esteem. One day you will meet someone and realize why this long distant thing didn’t work.
Prayers for you.

He was the first guy I had real feelings for. I’ve spent time with my friends as much as possible…I don’t have many but fortunately I have an amazing best friend. It helps when I’m with them but then I just get home and get get sad again.

I prayed a novena right before I met him. I thought he was the answer to my prayers and I thought he was why nothing worked out in the past.

 

[emeraldocean]

Well, God brings everything into being simply by His willing of existence. But in all vocations, human will is essential too. And the vocation of Marriage can be particularly troublesome because it involved two separate human wills.

I have been where you are. Truly, I have. I have been convinced that because I felt such a deep connection or love, something I had never felt so deeply for another man, that it must certainly be God’s Will, especially when it was for another devout Catholic. And I persisted in pursuing that guy, and ignored the most obvious sign that the relationship was over (which of course, is when he says “it’s over”). I set myself up for a whole new world of pain, because as I pursued him, he showed more and more character traits of someone I would never be happily married to. It seriously got to a point where I had to lie to my friends about his character in order to say anything good about him. That’s not necessarily your guy; I’m just say that you can’t judge a relationship simply by how strong you feel.

It’s been only two months. Just because you’re in pain doesn’t mean you’re meant to be with him. And while I am aware that in many parts of the country, people marry very early, objectively, 25 is way too young to call yourself a spinster.

Did you go to college? Do you have a job? It troubles me that you say that without a boyfriend you have no hope for the future… that is a very bad position from which to seek a spouse.

There is a positive in this experience - you can grow into a stronger, more mature, more emotionally cautious person.

Do you have friends? Call them instead of calling him. You need to cut contact with him, so that your heart can heal, and you don’t waste months or years, missing out on everything else God has in store for you. No one dies from a broken heart (except Jimmy Stewart, gentleman that he was). You will be happy again; you will date and love again. You need to just be patient and let time heal this.

My parents seem to think that two months is way more than I need and that I should be over him. They are sick of hearing me cry about him on the phone.

yes, I went to college and I have a job. My job is quite isolating and does not give me a way to meet people. I don’t mean no hope for the future as though I would become homeless. I mean that when I was dating him, I had some hope that I could see a good future working out for me. Now I can’t. I don’t want to stay exactly as I am forever, but there is no way out now. I never wanted to be a corporate type working person. All I want is to be a wife and mother and raise a good Catholic family. I don’t see why God wouldn’t let me have that. How is it not pleasing to Him?
Before meeting by ex I had thought maybe if I didn’t meet someone by 28 or so I could just settle. But now that’s out because I would spend my whole life thinking about my ex.

 

[1ke]

Without any boyfriend I basically have no hope for the future and am just hurtling toward a future as a spinster.

Seriously? LISTEN to yourself. What a crock. You have “no future”? Look around at all you DO have and be thankful for that. People with Ebola, people in extreme poverty, people in prison camps in North Korea-- those are people that have a precarious future. YOU have a wonderful future. If you cannot see that, won’t embrace it, and fail to work for it-- that is on you.

It wasn’t just online, either, we did meet a few times and he took me on the best dates I’ve ever been on. I liked doing little things to make him happy and he did the same for me.

Disney dating-- “magical” dates, is not reality.

The other thing I don’t get is if I had gotten engaged to this man, everyone would say God did it, brought him into my life, etc.

People saying it doesn’t make it true.

Why are the good events God’s doing, but when something good goes wrong, that is not God removing that person from my life but instead it’s our doing and God is not as involved? How involved in my life is God?

Fuzzy theology.

 

[Lorelei12]

It sounds like maybe you could benefit from some counseling. You appear to hold onto some unhealthy attitudes (such as “I have no hope and no future”, “God took him out of my life”, and “other people skip through life in lasting relationships”), and a professional can help you to sort through these feelings and deal with them. I am not trying to say that it’s wrong to feel that way- in fact I think most of us have been there at one time or another over a broken relationship. But this situation is affecting your life in such a negative way that your parents are concerned about you always crying to them on the phone- I think it’s time to do something about it.

And that something should NOT be “keeping in touch and trying to send light, positive messages, trying to bring up the good memories that we had together”. You need to leave him alone. He has told you that he does not want to be with you, is moving on, and is seeing someone else. You may be right that he doesn’t understand what love is, but that doesn’t matter. He has made a choice, and you need to respect that. You don’t get to “let him” date someone else; he gets to do that on his own because he has free will. God did not take him out of your life, he took himself out. And that is both the beauty and the difficult thing about relationships- that they involve another person who has free will. Not everyone would say that God “brought him” into your life- that is not even what the Church teaches. I have no idea whether God brought my husband into my life or not- the coincidence or our relationship is kind of an interesting story, so sometimes I wonder, but ultimately we both made choices to end up where we are and either one of us could have chosen something different.

I don’t want to make it seem like I don’t understand what you are feeling- I know that it’s hard to let someone go. But you do have to, both because you need to respect how he feels and for yourself. Stop texting him, and respect the relationship he is trying to form with someone else. If completely eliminating contact does not help you, seek some professional help and ask God to bring you peace.

 

[emeraldocean]

Seriously? LISTEN to yourself. What a crock. You have “no future”? Look around at all you DO have and be thankful for that. People with Ebola, people in extreme poverty, people in prison camps in North Korea-- those are people that have a precarious future. YOU have a wonderful future. If you cannot see that, won’t embrace it, and fail to work for it-- that is on you.

Disney dating-- “magical” dates, is not reality.

People saying it doesn’t make it true.

Fuzzy theology.

I don’t mean no future as in becoming homeless. I mean I have no way to not continue just as I am - fairly isolated, no husband or children.

How did you date your husband, if you are married? How is it disney dating?

I can see that the theology is fuzzy, I would truly like to know which way I am supposed to look at it. How involved is God with who we marry?

 

[angelcrystal85]

Hi emeraldocean,

Something similar happen to me several years ago. I totally understand what you are going through and it hurts. I met a “good” Catholic guy in an online dating site. We clicked, we met several times, we had the most amazing dates ever. He told me he wanted to married, have kids, I was his soulmate, call me everyday, Skype, chat, pursued me like no man ever did. He was good Catholic man. All of sudden out of nowhere he decides to break up with “Is not you its me” and I never heard again from him. A week later he was again in the dating site. I felt horrible, but more because I know another girl would fall for him and break her heart.
The reality is that this kind of men run when things become real. They have commitment issues and we can’t fix it. They don’t have the capacity to carry a real committed relationship. After we broke up, I tried to find information and psychology behind this behavior and I found two books that are amazing. Men Who Can’t Love by Julia Sokol.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment By Amir Levine. This is about attachment theory and that there are 3 attachments and it goes saying which one you are and how we get attached to others.
Hang in there, I though I was going to die too, but it will eventually pass. If you read this books it will help you understand more. Now that I am out of the relationship completely, I see it was all fantasy and fairytale type. It was not real. Also, take things slowly, don’t rush into things. You are not too old, I am 29 and single so don’t worry. I’ll keep you in my prayers!

 

[Sarcelle]

My parents seem to think that two months is way more than I need and that I should be over him. They are sick of hearing me cry about him on the phone.

yes, I went to college and I have a job. My job is quite isolating and does not give me a way to meet people. I don’t mean no hope for the future as though I would become homeless. I mean that when I was dating him, I had some hope that I could see a good future working out for me. Now I can’t. I don’t want to stay exactly as I am forever, but there is no way out now. I never wanted to be a corporate type working person. All I want is to be a wife and mother and raise a good Catholic family. I don’t see why God wouldn’t let me have that. How is it not pleasing to Him?
Before meeting by ex I had thought maybe if I didn’t meet someone by 28 or so I could just settle. But now that’s out because I would spend my whole life thinking about my ex.

I wish I had words of wisdom for you. I can commiserate with you.

I get you about wanting to be a wife and mother

When I was a new Christian the role of wife and mother was held up as THE GOAL by which all Christian women should aspire. If you were not a wife and mother but were college educated and had a job, you were a dirty rotten feminist. This was the POV commonly held in the Evangelical world. As a result I felt like a fraud. I prayed and cried to God about this. You know how He answered me? I was laid off my job. So now not only was I a spinster, I was also an unemployed spinster.

Then it hit me. Instead of being grateful for the blessings He gave me, I was too busy complaining about the lack of a significant other. Lesson learned.

Life is hard and we always do not get what we want, but it is still a gift. I know it is hard to see it right now, but hopefully in time, you will.

By the way, I am still a spinster. People.look down at me I’m sure but I’m past caring
The older I get, the less I care about what others think.

 

[1ke]

I don’t mean no future as in becoming homeless. I mean I have no way to not continue just as I am - fairly isolated, no husband or children.

If you feel your are isolated, that is in your control. You can join groups at church or in the community. You can become involved in causes, sports teams, bible study, book club, travel, dinner group, or whatever interests you. You can meet people through these pursuits, establish friendships, and serve others.

You choose your attitude towards life. You can choose to say “woe is me” or you can choose to approach life positively, with each day bringing new adventure and possibilities.

How did you date your husband, if you are married?

I met my husband online. I was 36 and he was 42. We corresponded for 6 months before meeting in person. We dated 2 years before marrying. Probably a year in to dating/corresponding we started talking about the possibility of marriage.

Two months of corresponding and two meetings, I think you and he both had more infatuation than love going.

Oh, wait, you say he broke off the relationship two months ago. You don’t say how long you were corresponding. I can tell you that once DH and I met, we discussed whether or not we were pursuing the relationship exclusively and we made the commitment to see each other every month (we lived about 1800 miles away from each other).

How is it disney dating?

Meeting twice and going on “dream dates” is what I mean by Disney dating. You have a whirlwind of fun, divorced from the real world-- perfectly planned dates, no worries or cares of work, family, or the every day. After knowing someone two months, meeting them in person two times, both times under suspended reality circumstances, I don’t think you can really judge whether the relationship is going somewhere.

I can see that the theology is fuzzy, I would truly like to know which way I am supposed to look at it. How involved is God with who we marry?

God gives us many choices of people who are compatible with us and who would make good marriage partners. God gives us choices in our vocation, in our career, in our lives. He respects our free will. The idea of a “soul mate” destined for you is not a Catholic teaching.

I think the best approach is praying for your own development and readiness to undertake the vocation of marriage and family, for wisdom in discerning among potential partners, for maturity and openness to service of others.

 

[emeraldocean]

We were corresponding for just under 4 months before meeting, then there was a month in between the meetings during which we corresponded.