Heartbroken and Deceived

  • Thread starter Thread starter mely2020
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

mely2020

Guest
Hello Everyone,

I am disappointed because a guy I was dating for four months all of sudden broke up with me. I met him online via Catholicmatch.com. We had great chemistry, we talk long hours, and we enjoyed sharing the faith to each other. The relationship was long distance, he called me and had communication with him all the time. We met several times, and had a great time together. We have help each other grow in faith, and I was super exited after trying to find a good man via catholic dating site for over a year, I found him, I though he was “the one”.
He broke up out of the blue because he is not ready for a relationship. He told me he hasn’t healed from a manipulative ex-girlfriend (I have a gut feeling he is talking to her again, even though he tells me he’s not). I was devastated because I though what he told me was true, that he really loved me, he moved on from his ex, and wanted to plan a future with me. More because he is a guy close to God and faith, I just felt deceived and led on, because he was lying to me he felt feelings for me. I feel anger, because I did develop sincere feelings for him (since he lead me on).
I feel very discouraged, is so hard to find a good Catholic guy in this world. I don’t have problem finding dates with secular guys, but my goal is to find a guy where both of us practice chastity and the Catholic faith. I used to date according to the world’s way, but I ended up getting myself hurt, wounded, and far away from God. I never found love there, is full of selfishness and only teaches you to use and not to love.
I turned my life around, and I am very happy that I don’t live that lifestyle anymore.
Do you guys have any words of encouragement so I wont give up. Im 27, and sometimes I get paranoid that I will not find a good guy that Im attracted to, has faith in God, and practices chastity. It is very difficult living the faith as a single girl, because what the world promotes goes against Catholic teachings. The young adult group in my parish is target more to late teens/early 20s, I don’t quite fit in because Im older.
Thanks everyone and God bless you!
 
mely2020 use this rule of thumb: for every 4 years in a committed relationship one needs at least 1 year alone to be able to move on from that past love. Don’t become paranoid, or despair! Dating and love are a lot like fishing, well ALMOST - you drop your hook into the water and you wait, when you get a nibble you still wait until the hook is set and you can reel the fish in. Even then you might be disappointed because the fish might not be a keeper and you have to toss it back. That’s why a good fishing trip will take a lot of time - you have to keep fishing until you fill the pail. 😉
Maybe this is a poor analogy, but hopefully you’ll get my point! Go out and have fun and don’t look too hard for love because if you do thenyou just might miss when the real thing comes along.

I have a divorced friend who was dating a really great guy and after 3.5 months she dumped him and went back to her ex. Guess what? She found out that it will never be the same between her and her ex. Now she’s heartbroken that she left that other guy in the first place, BTW she is 55 years old. So you see it affects everybody no matter how young or old we are!

Don’t worry, you will find the right guy in God’s time. Just pray and trust God to help you find someone! Oh, and just because it’s a Catholic dating site and the guy is religious doesn’t mean that it will be true love. 🤷

Much Peace!

Mike 🙂
 
The devil would love to use this occurrence to weaken your faith and lead you to believe that you are running out of time and that there’s no one out there for you. With God all things are possible. If He means for you to be married, the right man will come along and you will be married. In the meantime, focus on your Faith, increase your prayer life, attend daily Mass, join groups that are Catholic (pro life groups, charities) and keep moving forward trusting in Jesus. God Bless.
 
mely2020 said:
Hello Everyone,

I am disappointed because a guy I was dating for four months all of sudden broke up with me. I met him online via Catholicmatch.com. We had great chemistry, we talk long hours, and we enjoyed sharing the faith to each other. The relationship was long distance, he called me and had communication with him all the time. We met several times, and had a great time together. We have help each other grow in faith, and I was super exited after trying to find a good man via catholic dating site for over a year, I found him, I though he was “the one”.
He broke up out of the blue because he is not ready for a relationship. He told me he hasn’t healed from a manipulative ex-girlfriend (I have a gut feeling he is talking to her again, even though he tells me he’s not). I was devastated because I though what he told me was true, that he really loved me, he moved on from his ex, and wanted to plan a future with me. More because he is a guy close to God and faith, I just felt deceived and led on, because he was lying to me he felt feelings for me. I feel anger, because I did develop sincere feelings for him (since he lead me on).
I feel very discouraged, is so hard to find a good Catholic guy in this world. I don’t have problem finding dates with secular guys, but my goal is to find a guy where both of us practice chastity and the Catholic faith. I used to date according to the world’s way, but I ended up getting myself hurt, wounded, and far away from God. I never found love there, is full of selfishness and only teaches you to use and not to love.
I turned my life around, and I am very happy that I don’t live that lifestyle anymore.
Do you guys have any words of encouragement so I wont give up. Im 27, and sometimes I get paranoid that I will not find a good guy that Im attracted to, has faith in God, and practices chastity. It is very difficult living the faith as a single girl, because what the world promotes goes against Catholic teachings. The young adult group in my parish is target more to late teens/early 20s, I don’t quite fit in because Im older.
Thanks everyone and God bless you!
Click to expand...
I am truly sorry about what happen. It is hard at your age when you desire marriage to be so close and have it end for right now. But don’t let your standards or desire down because of this and maybe after some time, he might come back. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is trust God when our heart is broken and realize that when a door closes, God will open a window. Give yourself some time, keep your standards high and trust that God will bring the right person for you and your for him. Again I am so sorry.
 
Thank you so much for your encouragement words!

Im still in shock mode because he went from very sweet, loving, professing his love for me to cold and indifferent when he called to break things off. We had plans to visit his family in another state to meet them, I was very exited. That’s why I though he wanted something serious with me, but I’m angry that he led me on without feeling it.
The problem with me is that I trust people easily, I can be very naive. I still have faith there are good people out there, but from my experience there is a lot of people with evil intentions.
I get sad how this guy fell with in love with a narcissistic woman that lied to him all the time (he found out she was married, so it was an affair). I guess he needs time (he should have told me from the beginning without leading me on), or he is talking to her again.
 
mely2020 said:
Thank you so much for your encouragement words!

Im still in shock mode because he went from very sweet, loving, professing his love for me to cold and indifferent when he called to break things off. We had plans to visit his family in another state to meet them, I was very exited. That’s why I though he wanted something serious with me, but I’m angry that he led me on without feeling it.
The problem with me is that I trust people easily, I can be very naive. I still have faith there are good people out there, but from my experience there is a lot of people with evil intentions.
I get sad how this guy fell with in love with a narcissistic **woman that lied to him **all the time (he found out she was married, so it was an affair). I guess he needs time (he should have told me from the beginning without leading me on), or he is talking to her again.
Click to expand...
So he says. Be glad you found out about his character before you married him.
 
mely2020 said:
Thank you so much for your encouragement words!

Im still in shock mode because he went from very sweet, loving, professing his love for me to cold and indifferent when he called to break things off. We had plans to visit his family in another state to meet them, I was very exited. That’s why I though he wanted something serious with me, but I’m angry that he led me on without feeling it.
The problem with me is that I trust people easily, I can be very naive. I still have faith there are good people out there, but from my experience there is a lot of people with evil intentions.
I get sad how this guy fell with in love with a narcissistic woman that lied to him all the time (he found out she was married, so it was an affair). I guess he needs time (he should have told me from the beginning without leading me on), or he is talking to her again.
Click to expand...
The relationship wasn’t without purpose; you gained a bit of wisdom about relationships. You will learn to take it slow and not have your heart rule your head next time.

I’m not sure this guy truly deceived you. It also sounds like you read into some of his actions as meaning something more than they did. Breaking up at four months isn’t dishonorable and it’s better he knew a few months in that he missed his ex than at a year or two. I think a bigger red flag would have been if he were talking marriage at four months.

There are so many unhappy marriages out there. It makes you wonder how well people know each other before they marry. And I know so many women who were in a bad relationship and had their heart broken, and the next guy they met was the one! The heartache they went through, and thought they never would get over, in the long run, made them wiser to discerning character and what is truly important to them in a partner. So try to cheer up. 27 is not old! You’ve got plenty of time. There’s an even better relationship out there for you. God wouldn’t have given you a taste, if he didn’t have a feast for you around the corner.
 
Mikeydell said:
mely2020 use this rule of thumb: for every 4 years in a committed relationship one needs at least 1 year alone to be able to move on from that past love …
Click to expand...
That’s excessive, and an over-simplification. It does not have to take 5 years to get over a 20 year marriage, that is for certain.

If the relationship died like a person dies of cancer, the recovery can be far faster than that, because the grieving, mourning, and reflections concerning the nature of the problems with the relationship can happen before the divorce papers are filed. Yes, the recovery can be far slower, because of all the injuries that were heaped on over that time of collapse. It just depends. I can say that if the relationship dies without the problems that lead to its demise being addressed, then mere time alone won’t solve the foundational problem. History too often repeats itself. Time does not force self-examination onto us, let alone discernment of our weaknesses.

IOW, you can’t tell what someone else is ready for merely by knowing how long it has been since their last relationship. Life is not that simple, especially not when it comes to finding a spouse. Besides, as I like to say, “you can divorce your spouse, but an ex is forever.” There is a degree to which past relationships become a part of the person, with both good and bad in that.

When you start to date someone, they sometimes break up with you, and I don’t know of a way to have someone break up with you that feels good, not unless they beat you to a punch you are relieved to not have to deliver yourself. There is not a way to evade that vulnerability entirely, except perhaps to give acceptance to the reality that it is there. The freedom to marry always includes the freedom to not marry. Until the vows are made, that door has to be kept open. Don’t ever forget that.
 
I’m sorry to hear about your bad experience. I’ve been there done that, my own isn’t better. As for supposedly lying, he possibly was not, just confused and perhaps rash.
 
Thanks everyone for your kind and positive words. I know in the beginning he came to me very strongly. He was even talking to me about engagement and getting married early on.
I did felt uncomfortable because we were just getting to know each other. I know he is a good guy with a great heart, is just that we met in the wrong time.
 
mely2020 said:
Thanks everyone for your kind and positive words. I know in the beginning he came to me very strongly. He was even talking to me about engagement and getting married early on.
I did felt uncomfortable because we were just getting to know each other. I know he is a good guy with a great heart, is just that we met in the wrong time.
Click to expand...
I think that in time you may come to see that all was not as it seemed. Or at least to be thankful this didn’t work out because it sounds like this guy has some “issues.”

Not to scare you, but I never got married; I’m now 51 and okay with that. I wouldn’t take my old boyfriends back if they begged me, knowing now what I didn’t want to admit to myself that all was not roses back then! 😛

Best thing you can do right now to heal quickly and completely - focus on the Lord and on who He has created you to be. If you have something that gives you joy that is all yours - playing music, doing artwork, whatever it may be - do that. It will help you connect with your soul. If doing things you did with this guy reminds you of him too much, don’t do those things for awhile. And don’t turn to false comforts, like sex, alcohol or anything - just stay steady, cry when you need to, then pick up and refuse to let it all get you too far down. Heartbreak stinks, but doesn’t last forever, either. God bless you!
 
mely2020 said:
Hello Everyone,

I am disappointed because a guy I was dating for four months all of sudden broke up with me. I met him online via Catholicmatch.com. We had great chemistry, we talk long hours, and we enjoyed sharing the faith to each other. The relationship was long distance, he called me and had communication with him all the time. We met several times, and had a great time together. We have help each other grow in faith, and I was super exited after trying to find a good man via catholic dating site for over a year, I found him, I though he was “the one”.
He broke up out of the blue because he is not ready for a relationship. He told me he hasn’t healed from a manipulative ex-girlfriend (I have a gut feeling he is talking to her again, even though he tells me he’s not). I was devastated because I though what he told me was true, that he really loved me, he moved on from his ex, and wanted to plan a future with me. More because he is a guy close to God and faith, I just felt deceived and led on, because he was lying to me he felt feelings for me. I feel anger, because I did develop sincere feelings for him (since he lead me on).
I feel very discouraged, is so hard to find a good Catholic guy in this world. I don’t have problem finding dates with secular guys, but my goal is to find a guy where both of us practice chastity and the Catholic faith. I used to date according to the world’s way, but I ended up getting myself hurt, wounded, and far away from God. I never found love there, is full of selfishness and only teaches you to use and not to love.
I turned my life around, and I am very happy that I don’t live that lifestyle anymore.
Do you guys have any words of encouragement so I wont give up. Im 27, and sometimes I get paranoid that I will not find a good guy that Im attracted to, has faith in God, and practices chastity. It is very difficult living the faith as a single girl, because what the world promotes goes against Catholic teachings. The young adult group in my parish is target more to late teens/early 20s, I don’t quite fit in because Im older.
Thanks everyone and God bless you!
Click to expand...
Sorry for your heartbreak. Yes, what you describe, in a way, does not seem fair. If I were in that situation, I would say as heart broken as I would be, I would have to give the other person the benifit of a doubt. Maybe he is being sincere about him just not being ready for a relationship. Maybe he did not intend to lead you on. Maybe he did, but how would we know? His answer to why he broke up with you is “He is not ready for a relationship.”

I was talking to a girl from cm.com last year. Though it was not much more than a “get to know eachother” type of correspondence, I got my hopes up so much, only to have them shot down three months later when she told me she was moving far away 😦
I was just thinking about it today. I was thinking that seemed really unfair. Why would she start talking to guys from our area on a dating site when she knows that she might be leaving soon? Did she not care if someones feelings got hurt? We met through a dating site… that means guys who try to talk to her through it are interested in dating her… why would you let them think it is a possibility if you know it is probably not? I just had to give her the benifit of a doubt that she did not know she was going to move so far away and did not intend to hurt anyones feelings, mine included… Likewise, maybe the guy you are talking about really did not know he was going to realize he was not ready for a relationship and did not intend to decieve you. If he is lieing, then you dont want him anyway, do you?

If I were to give you some words of encouragement, I would say YES there are plenty of other fish in the sea and I would bet dollars to doughnuts that you will attract another man. There has be atleast one good one eventually… I have never known how it feels to share mutually love with a woman. It is always either I liked them, they did not like me, or they liked me but I did not like them. So also, I would say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all :o

I will try again in the future. You should too. Good luck in the future 🙂
 
Im sorry that happen to you 😦
It did happen to me in CM too, I would talk to several guys back and forth and all of sudden they disappeared. Online dating is more difficult that I realized.
I did prayed during my lunch hour, and I felt in my prayer that Jesus is with me and that Im not alone and I did cry because all that Im looking is unconditional love, something he can only give.
When we broke up, he said he would like us to remain friends until he is ready for a relationship. Do you guys recommend me been friends until he is ready, or should I just moved on.
 
mely2020 said:
Im sorry that happen to you 😦
It did happen to me in CM too, I would talk to several guys back and forth and all of sudden they disappeared. Online dating is more difficult that I realized.
I did prayed during my lunch hour, and I felt in my prayer that Jesus is with me and that Im not alone and I did cry because all that Im looking is unconditional love, something he can only give.
When we broke up, he said he would like us to remain friends until he is ready for a relationship. Do you guys recommend me been friends until he is ready, or should I just moved on.
Click to expand...
No, don’t bother trying to be friends. Just move on. He would be keeping you on the back burner “just in case” things don’t work out with whatever else he is doing.

When I read that he was coming on to you very strongly at first, my red flags went up. It is not a good sign when a guy is instantly serious and starts talking about getting engaged. It should make your red flags go up and you should back off a little bit because it is likely someone who is immature and could be controlling/obsessive. Watch out for that in the future. It can be very flattering when someone seems to fall head over heels, but that can be a problem.
 
mely2020 said:
Im sorry that happen to you 😦
It did happen to me in CM too, I would talk to several guys back and forth and all of sudden they disappeared. Online dating is more difficult that I realized.
I did prayed during my lunch hour, and I felt in my prayer that Jesus is with me and that Im not alone and I did cry because all that Im looking is unconditional love, something he can only give.
When we broke up, he said he would like us to remain friends until he is ready for a relationship. Do you guys recommend me been friends until he is ready, or should I just moved on.
Click to expand...
I agree with therealjulianne that you should not try to be “just friends” at this point. With the extent of your emotional investment in him it is extremely unlikely that you could do this without jepodizing other posssible future relationships. He is currently not ready to be in a relationship and there is a very good chance that he never will be don’t stick around on the hope that he might change, give yourself the time and space you need to get over him. There is no guarantee that he will ever be marriage material.
 
I am very sorry for you, I wish I had the words to make you feel better.😦 If it’s any
consolation, God loves you, and wants you to be happy! 😉
 
mely2020 said:
Thank you so much for your encouragement words!

Im still in shock mode because he went from very sweet, loving, professing his love for me to cold and indifferent when he called to break things off. We had plans to visit his family in another state to meet them, I was very exited. That’s why I though he wanted something serious with me, but I’m angry that he led me on without feeling it.
The problem with me is that I trust people easily, I can be very naive. I still have faith there are good people out there, but from my experience there is a lot of people with evil intentions.
I get sad how this guy fell with in love with a narcissistic woman that lied to him all the time (he found out she was married, so it was an affair). I guess he needs time (he should have told me from the beginning without leading me on), or he is talking to her again.
Click to expand...
Oh are you BLESSED. You probably don’t see it now but after the pain and shock lessens you’ll see that this is the best thing that could have happened to this relationship. I hope the rules allow me to say this, he is a jerk. If he comes around again don’t pick up the phone, don’t answer the door just heave a sigh of relief.

Annie
 
Thanks everyone for your encouragement words. What is the psychology behind a man pursuing a relationship so intensively in the beginning, and then loses interested or says he is not ready. I see this pattern not just with this guy, but with online dating.
 
I don’t have personal experience with online dating. But from what I’ve read/heard it might have something to do with a kind of “shopping” mentality. There are always more fish in the sea, and at the touch of a button, dozens more potential matches. It seems to play to the very human (weak) tendency to be lured by the constant promise of better (the grass is always greener). I also think the cultural emphasis on the soulmate …can make people feel that there is some god or goddess out there for them, perfect in every way who will never challenge them or disappoint them. It’s really immature and shortsighted and completely untrue! I think it was Oscar Wilde who said, “Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it’s simply purgatory, that’s it.” I am paraphrasing here and Oscar Wilde may not even be the correct source (so hard to find trustworthy souces in this internet age).

Or this man met someone else. Period. It’s as simple as that. And for whatever reason, the connection that you thought you had, was not as strong for him. You may never know why.

Build up your relationship with Jesus, now and forever. He is the One who will never let you down. He is the One you go to now and when you are married. There is no perfect man out there. Just the right one for you. And that right one isn’t the one who’s all flowers and sunshine. He’s likely the one who will force you to learn humility, sacrifice, patience, FORGIVENESS and charity over and over and over again.

Those folks who make a romantic relationship an IDOL end up in numerous situations that are very bad for them spiritually.

I wish you well, God Bless. 🙂
 
mely2020 said:
Thanks everyone for your encouragement words. What is the psychology behind a man pursuing a relationship so intensively in the beginning, and then loses interested or says he is not ready. I see this pattern not just with this guy, but with online dating.
Click to expand...
He wanted you. He knew how to “play” you. Somebody easier came back into his life bye-bye good girl.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top