Heartbroken by divorce

[iamrefreshed]

I don’t think any fireproof suit is going to help you.

Just WHAT is the OP supposed to do? Should she neglect the baby? The only thing different she possibly could have done is to have her husband help out more with the baby to have him more fully appreciate the work involved. Other than that, what you posted is nothing more than “blame the victim” nonsense.

The OP should get herself tested for STDs.

AMEN!!

To the OP: Maybe you can convince your husband to attend a Retrouvaille weekend?

retrouvaille.org

 

[GraceDK]

This husband needs some authoritative fatherfigure to give him a thorough spanking. who does he think he is anyway? He needs to grow up and be a man… Can nobody in his own family tell him that? …

I wonder what his little girl friend would think if you insist that he has to be a dad and take care of the baby half the time… see right now he thinks he can just leave you with that and he can start over anew with another woman… but no-o way… you gotta let him know that even if he can run away from the commitment of being a husband he can not run away from being a dad… hopefully he knows how to change a diper.

 

[duskyjewel]

It is fully possible to appropriately parent a baby AND to take care of one’s husband.

It may not be possible in situations where people intentionally make it impossible. Both parents working full time, both with long commutes… when do they have any family time? I think the whole thing was a time bomb waiting to explode the marriage.

Somehow, being a good wife to her husband (and yes, I mean giving him SEX as well as many other things) would mean neglecting the baby. May I submit that the baby was already being neglected by being, most likely, in a daycare full of strangers for 8-10 hours a day? Then suddenly, when it’s time to be home and be a family, fulfilling her role as wife triggers concern about neglecting the baby? And no, I am not saying the only role wives have is as sex objects. But much of a man’s feeling of being loved and valued, his ego support and self-worth, come from his woman wanting him and making love to him.

All I said was that her husband may have been being completely honest with her about why he left the marriage. Thirteen months is a long time… it’s not like this child is a newborn who needs attention every minute. Men must learn to wait and be unselfish when their babies are very young, no doubt. But women must learn that you cannot neglect a man for months or years on end and expect him to feel loved and invested in his family!

Again, I am not saying the OP necessarily neglected her man. I asked her to evaluate whether she did. If she did, then admitting that might be a first step toward rebuilding her marriage and reclaiming her family. If she didn’t then her husband is just a jerk, guilt-tripping her for his own misdeeds. I said that in my first post!

I said what I said in the hope that honest personal assessment would lead to greater understanding of why her marriage broke down and what her part in it was. The only reason I took the “neglecting her man” tack was because that was what her man told her! Why is it so impossible to take him at his word? His reaction to the situation, whatever it was, was WRONG. But it may be EXPLAINABLE. That was my point.

 

[duskyjewel]

I wonder what his little girl friend would think if you insist that he has to be a dad and take care of the baby half the time… see right now he thinks he can just leave you with that and he can start over anew with another woman… but no-o way… you gotta let him know that even if he can run away from the commitment of being a husband he can not run away from being a dad… hopefully he knows how to change a diper.

As long as the baby will be safe with him, I completely agree with this. Take the fun and fantasy aspect right out of his behavior.

 

[Norseman82]

This husband needs some authoritative fatherfigure to give him a thorough spanking. who does he think he is anyway?

We’re on the same page. I actually started to type that if they lived in Chicago the husband and I should meet at a gym that has an “open spar” night so that he could be “straightened out”, but edited it out (along with a few other things that may have gotten me in trouble with the admins).

 

[GraceDK]

We’re on the same page. I actually started to type that if they lived in Chicago the husband and I should meet at a gym that has an “open spar” night so othat he could be “straightened out”, but edited it out (along with a few other things that may have gotten me in trouble with the admins).

Hehehe… yeah… that would be a great idea… I thought about that too… go and have a talk with this guy.
… hm… … Its disturbing… the guy is not only damaging the life of his wife but also he is blaspheming Love in generel…

Anyway… I also agree with the attitude of marietta on page one… reading her short post… it was a fresh breath of air although some might say it was not very pious… But sometimes we all just need some humanity allowed… we are humans after all and we do get hurt, angry, tired, and fed up sometimes…

 

[kevinsgirl]

I don’t care if you are the most neglected husband in the world. There is no excuse for abandoning your wife and child for a new girlfriend.

There is no double standard here. I’d say the same thing if a woman abandoned her husband and child for an affair of her own.

A straying spouse can always find a reason for being unfaithful, but the reason really is because he or her chooses his or her own pleasure over the vow they made on their wedding day.

To the OP–don’t beat yourself up over what you did or didn’t do. Your husband ultimately made his decisions and you are not responsible for that.

 

[cecilia97]

I don’t care if you are the most neglected husband in the world. There is no excuse for abandoning your wife and child for a new girlfriend.

There is no double standard here. I’d say the same thing if a woman abandoned her husband and child for an affair of her own.

A straying spouse can always find a reason for being unfaithful, but the reason really is because he or her chooses his or her own pleasure over the vow they made on their wedding day.

To the OP–don’t beat yourself up over what you did or didn’t do. Your husband ultimately made his decisions and you are not responsible for that.

Absolutely. No marriage has two perfect people…or even ONE perfect person. But nothing one spouse does EVER justifies an affair. It’s not like anyone twisted his arm behind his back and told him to run off with another woman. A parent who begrudges extra time spent on their own child has some deeper issues.

OP…praying for you and baby.

 

[dulcissima]

Absolutely. No marriage has two perfect people…or even ONE perfect person. But nothing one spouse does EVER justifies an affair. It’s not like anyone twisted his arm behind his back and told him to run off with another woman. A parent who begrudges extra time spent on their own child has some deeper issues.

OP…praying for you and baby.

I totally agree. In an abusive relationship, or a relationship where one spouse is a narcissist, bringing a child into the picture can be the breaking point, not because the other spouse is being neglectful, but because that spouse needs all of the attention and resents losing it.

 

[AussieAnn]

It is fully possible to appropriately parent a baby AND to take care of one’s husband.

It may not be possible in situations where people intentionally make it impossible. Both parents working full time, both with long commutes… when do they have any family time? I think the whole thing was a time bomb waiting to explode the marriage.

Somehow, being a good wife to her husband (and yes, I mean giving him SEX as well as many other things) would mean neglecting the baby. May I submit that the baby was already being neglected by being, most likely, in a daycare full of strangers for 8-10 hours a day? Then suddenly, when it’s time to be home and be a family, fulfilling her role as wife triggers concern about neglecting the baby? And no, I am not saying the only role wives have is as sex objects. But much of a man’s feeling of being loved and valued, his ego support and self-worth, come from his woman wanting him and making love to him.

All I said was that her husband may have been being completely honest with her about why he left the marriage. Thirteen months is a long time… it’s not like this child is a newborn who needs attention every minute. Men must learn to wait and be unselfish when their babies are very young, no doubt. But women must learn that you cannot neglect a man for months or years on end and expect him to feel loved and invested in his family!

Again, I am not saying the OP necessarily neglected her man. I asked her to evaluate whether she did. If she did, then admitting that might be a first step toward rebuilding her marriage and reclaiming her family. If she didn’t then her husband is just a jerk, guilt-tripping her for his own misdeeds. I said that in my first post!

I said what I said in the hope that honest personal assessment would lead to greater understanding of why her marriage broke down and what her part in it was. The only reason I took the “neglecting her man” tack was because that was what her man told her! Why is it so impossible to take him at his word? His reaction to the situation, whatever it was, was WRONG. But it may be EXPLAINABLE. That was my point.

No it was only the first year of having a baby. I’m sorry but it can take a full year to both physically and emotionally recover from the effects of birth and then having a newborn baby. Whilst you can become pregnant again in this time, Obstetricians do not recommend becoming pregnant untill after the year. The husband should have understood this and been as involved as she was in the first year. My husband and I had virtually no sleep and no sex the first year and he was just as besotted with the baby as I was. This experience brought us closer. I suppose if he had only his own gratification on his mind it would have been different. It is not like the OP has been habitually having children and neglecting him over an extended period of time. I mean come on!, really. Also can we not take peoples posts as they are without cross examining them for what they may be witholding (if anything) and insult them by insinuating that they may be deliberately only giving one side of the story? Can we not assume that she is giving us the most upfront explanation you can when confined to a short amount of space? Otherwise wants the point of coming to a place like this and asking for advice? If it was me I would give an accurate intepretation so I could give honest feedback. She’s listed quite a few of the trials of her marriage? No one is saying she is perfect -neither is she. But let’s not cross-examine her like a divroce trial for goodness sake. Let’s try to show some charity.

 

[duskyjewel]

Can we not assume her husband gave her the most upfront explanation?

I was not cross examining her. Is it charitable to give advice about how she might rebuild her marriage, while acknowledging that her husband might just be a jerk she could never have pleased?

And dulcissima, we have no evidence that the husband in this case is or was abusive. Though his treatment of his wife is pretty horrible.

OK, that’s it. I give up. No one may ever suggest that a woman might have contributed to the breakdown of her marriage. The man is a bastard in a vacuum.

 

[AussieAnn]

Can we not assume her husband gave her the most upfront explanation?

I was not cross examining her. Is it charitable to give advice about how she might rebuild her marriage, while acknowledging that her husband might just be a jerk she could never have pleased?

And dulcissima, we have no evidence that the husband in this case is or was abusive. Though his treatment of his wife is pretty horrible.

OK, that’s it. I give up. No one may ever suggest that a woman might have contributed to the breakdown of her marriage. The man is a bastard in a vacuum.

Her husband may of giving her the most upfront explanation but like I said then he has very empathy with his own situation which is fathering in the first year. You would be suprised how many couples actually have no sex. So yes, his answer was upfront but it was also a very selfish, thoughtless answer. I’m sure that she was just as worried about him and their lack of intimacy as he was. Perhaps he/they could of communicated this. However, whatever they should have done in hinesight does not help the situation as it stands now, with him going of with another woman. The solution to this scenario would be very different.

 

[Ailina]

It is very common for the betraying spouse to point fingers and blame anyone but themselves, and particularly their former spouses. He left her to care for their child alone. He left her to have sex with another woman (how did he find the time for that?). He has filed for divorce.

He never asked to go for marriage counselling or to see their local priest to see what could be done about their marriage. He left her and their child. What he has done to their marriage is far more damaging than anything she did. The most basic part of their relationship (trust) has been broken. Actions speak louder than words here.

 

[dulcissima]

She is coming here heartbroken. She never said that she had neglected her husband, just that he had used her caring for the baby as an excuse to find someone else. Perhaps instead of launching into a multi-paragraph tirade against women who neglect their husbands, it would have been more sensitive to her feelings to ask her if she thought that there was any truth to what her husband was saying. Sometimes it works better to ask a few feeler questions before trying to sell a particular point of view, to make sure that it is the right fit for the situation.

I agree with what you said in principle, I just don’t think the way it was thrown into this thread, where a woman is understandably in a great deal of pain, was the most appropriate thing to do.

I offerred my comment as a contrasting point of view to yours. I don’t think we have the information to know which pattern of behavior resulted in the husband having the affair and leaving the marriage. Someone who is in as much pain as the OP is probably doesn’t necessarily have the detatched perspective to understand the situation for what it really is. I would hope that she might have the resources to be able to get some individual counseling to help her work her way through it.

 

[cecilia97]

She is coming here heartbroken. She never said that she had neglected her husband, just that he had used her caring for the baby as an excuse to find someone else. Perhaps instead of launching into a multi-paragraph tirade against women who neglect their husbands, it would have been more sensitive to her feelings to ask her if she thought that there was any truth to what her husband was saying. Sometimes it works better to ask a few feeler questions before trying to sell a particular point of view, to make sure that it is the right fit for the situation.

I agree with what you said in principle, I just don’t think the way it was thrown into this thread, where a woman is understandably in a great deal of pain, was the most appropriate thing to do.

I offerred my comment as a contrasting point of view to yours. I don’t think we have the information to know which pattern of behavior resulted in the husband having the affair and leaving the marriage. Someone who is in as much pain as the OP is probably doesn’t necessarily have the detatched perspective to understand the situation for what it really is. I would hope that she might have the resources to be able to get some individual counseling to help her work her way through it.

Dulcissima, you are very sensitive. I posted on CAF in a similar vein when my ex-husband and I were splitting up. Many people were supportive and prayed for me, which is probably what I needed. A couple of people got off track about wives who nag and control. As if, even if I had been the MOST nagging and controlling wife in history, that would have justified my spouse breaking his marriage vows.

The logic doesn’t work and it’s just not helpful for the person who comes here for support when they’re trapped in a whirlpool of emotions.

Two years later I can say that, yes, I was a nag. But my ex was emotionally abusive and neglectful and a cheat. And no human deserves to be treated the way he treated me. The OP doesn’t have the emotional energy to learn those things yet, she’s in survival mode. Lets pray for her, her husband, her child, AND the other woman.

(sorry, just had to get my last word in on my old thread since it was lost in the great crash of '06 )

 

[Volga]

For the last year my life has been a rollercoaster, my husband is living with his girlfriend. This has brought me closer to God, I’m only starting and the path is long but to me the most important thing is to try not to forget how important I and my children are to God, He is always looking after us, he loves us so much that He allowed His only son to die in a horrible way to forgive our sins. By our sins I know that it includes mine, my husbands’ and his girlfriends’. Have Faith in God, what you are going through is VERY painful but one step at a time you’ll see how very special you are, the pain decreases as you put your life in God’s hands, ask Him for help, tell Him that you need Him that you know that what you are going through will make you a better person. Try to be happy, God loves you!!! Everything will be better. Your baby boy needs a very happy and playful mum. God and time heal everything. Enjoy life and thank God for the happiness your boy gives you. Volga

 

[Eliza10]

Absolutely. No marriage has two perfect people…or even ONE perfect person. But nothing one spouse does EVER justifies an affair. It’s not like anyone twisted his arm behind his back and told him to run off with another woman. A parent who begrudges extra time spent on their own child has some deeper issues.
…

Good answer!

 

[Eliza10]

… Also can we not take peoples posts as they are without cross examining them for what they may be witholding (if anything) and insult them by insinuating that they may be deliberately only giving one side of the story? Can we not assume that she is giving us the most upfront explanation you can when confined to a short amount of space? Otherwise wants the point of coming to a place like this and asking for advice? If it was me I would give an accurate intepretation so I could give honest feedback. She’s listed quite a few of the trials of her marriage? No one is saying she is perfect -neither is she. But let’s not cross-examine her like a divroce trial for goodness sake. Let’s try to show some charity.

Sounds very reasonable!

 

[Eliza10]

Part 1 of 2

…Then last week he completely shattered my whole world by telling me he had been seeing someone else for the last couple of months and wanted a divorce. His excuse was that we drifted apart and I was giving too much attention to the baby, and this girl filled a void I never filled, and he found true love with her. He also said we were too young and made it sound like he’s been with me all these years because of pity. I just can’t believe any of this. I asked him to talk to a priest or counseling, but he doesn’t want any of this. He just wants out…

I have seen so many marriages end - including my own - with an affair (it wasn’t me, though!). In mine and in all I have seen, the cheating spouse does not want to reconcile; he (or she) wants new experiences. And in every case, they blame the spouse for their cheating. Which is not true. Its immature and cowardly to say so. Don’t believe it. You are not to blame for his moral failures. Own your own, not his.

Marital difficulty usually precedes an affair, but that doesn’t mean both partners are equally to blame for the existance of difficulty, or even that both partners are to blame.

A very good and wise and holy Priest explained to me that a marraige can’t work without goodwill on the parts of both. If one of the pair doesn’t have it, no matter how good the other is, one person cannot make a marriage. And he said that even God can’t fix such a marriage - because He as a rule does not violate the will of man.

Often there are givers and takers in the marriage dynamic. Hard to believe that the taker would leave, when you have given 100%. But takers often leave. Because the marriage is all about them. They often leave when a baby comes, or the spouse gets ill or stops contributing income. There just isn’t enough in it for them anymore.

I remember, near the end, being shocked when my husband said non-chalantly, “We should just split. We’re just not happy.” (I had not yet discovered he was involved in a long term affair, I just knew he’d been acting strangely the past two years). Not happy?? I was shocked because it was so crazy. We married for better or worse. Not “as long as we both shall be* happy*”!

Later I realized, *I *married for better or worse. I meant it with all my heart. His did not take his vows - or any words or promises he made, seriously. I just never saw it. I continually projected my values onto him. In the end I had to see him for who he really was, not who I “positively thunk” he was. And it was a shock, after long years of habit.

People leave marriages for good reason too. But *there is no excuse for adultery, ever. *And the adultery is solely the fault of the person who chooses it.

A very Holy Priest listened to me and told me “You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear”. Its possible that is what you tried to do. Wise counsel and reflection will tell you. He may never have been marriage material. That is one thing that can be enlighted for you in the annulment process.

…He already started the divorce proceedings. I don’t understand why he would do this now, after a baby, and after being married by the church. His behavior is everything we used to be so against. …

My lawyer warned me, these next months will be the worst of your life. Its an awful thing to go through. You can’t skip over it, you can’t wish it away, you just have to get through the horrible process and be grateful for any small blessings in your day. God will put them there. He will comfort you.

During my divorce, I kept saying, “I can’t believe this is happening, I can’t believe this is happening…” My lawyer insisted on making me face reality, saying, “You’d better believe it, because it is happening.” Somehow it helped to be facing that this was my reality, rather than lamenting that it was unbelievable.

To understand your husband, look at his actions. He behavior is who he is. You thought he was against these behaviors? Well apparently not, because he is behaving this way. Think of people who disparage others for behaving this or that way, and then they later do the same thing - but they can completely justify it for themselves. Thats because what seemed to be their moral code didn’t really go that deep, so when it was put to test, they “failed”. You could say their true colors came through.

…Now, I am back living with my family and my 1 year old son. I feel so lost. I can’t understand why God could let this happen. I feel so hurt, with nothing to look forward to…

God sorrows and grieves for you, so does your angel and al of heaven. He longs to comfort you. God has to let it happen because of freewill. I know, I prayed and prayed. I wanted God to do a miracle to change his heart to one of goodwill. But my husband liked his heart just fine the way it was. And God does not violate the will. He allows us to chose between good and evil. Your husband chose evil. *And *he thinks the evil is good.

God has a plan for you and only has good in store for you. Believe it! You are grieving now. You will get throught the grief. I don’t think you can speed it up. You just have to get through it, but God will comfort you. He won’t give you more grief than you can stand.

(continued)

 

[Eliza10]

Part 2 of 2

Do offer up your grief and pain. You know about offering up, don’t you? Because your grief and pain can be efficacious. God can use it to save sinners, if you offer it to him. So offer it up. It won’t heal your grief, but when I do this I feel a slight lifting of the burden, a bit of peace that I have given a precious wanted gift to Jesus. It was during my divorce that I started saying a daily offereing, and I will always say it now. Here it is:

O Jesus, through the Immaculate Heart of Mary, I offer you my prayers, works, joys and sufferings of this day in union with the
Holy Sacrifice of the Mass throughout the world. I offer them for all the intentions of your Sacred Heart: the salvation of souls, the reparation for sin, and the reunion of all Christians. I offer them for the intentions of our bishops and of all Apostles of Prayer, and in particular for those recommended by our Holy Father this month.

Now your time of sorrow will be a mission for Christ. It will have meaning.

The grief will pass. You will have a life. It will be like a phoenix rising from the ashes. You have heard of that illustration, right? It becomes meaningful, not cliche, when its your experience. Your life is like burning coal right now. But God makes all things new. He will make your life new.

… I know I have my son, and I’m so grateful for that. But I lost my best friend and someone who I thought was my soul mate…

You thought he was a soul mate, but you were wrong. What he did is not what soul mates do. You considered him your best friend, but he was not a true friend. What he did a true friend never would do. Would you ever do to someone what he did to you? Ever? You see: he is not like you.

The loss in divorce multiplies - people you thought were your friends disappear. But I found there was blessing in the bitterness. It is terrible, but you do find out who your true friends are. All at once. You find out that some who you thought were friends really weren’t. And the loss of each one is another terrible pain. But it really is better to know the truth. What you have left is real, not an illusion.

All these truths you are learning cause pain. But in the end, you will be freer. The truth sets you free.

Another pain is that your role in life has been taken as well. You are no longer “wife”. And to add insult to injury, you have a new, ugly name: you are “divorced woman”. And you will sense the judgement that comes with that title sometimes when you are very tender. And right now you are tender - you are like a big open sore, and sometimes senseless people will rub salt in your open wound.

Yes you have your son. Its not easy to parent when you are in steeped in grief, and that makes his crime worse - to cripple a mother. But God will be your crutch. Mary is a mother, a merciful mother, and she will help you. Ask her, every day, “Help me be a mother.” She will help you.

…I’m only 34, so my friends and family think I will move on and find someone else eventually, but they don’t understand what I’m going through because they are not Catholic. And I could never remarry or date again, because that would be adultery, and I believe in the teachings of the Church…

I struggled with this too. You do know about annullment, right? If the Church judges that your marriage was not a marriage, then it is annulled, and a subsequent marriage is not adultery.

You don’t really have to worry about this now, because since you were fully committed to and loved your husband, you have much hurt to get over before you could even think of anyone else anyway. But it is natural to wonder what your future will be. I wondered too. You wonder what will happen when you get out of the dark oppressing cave of divorce. Everyone assumes you’ll date now. But how could I ever fit in the dating world - I have different rules than the rest of the world. Everyone else is at least a “maybe” which adds some expected excitement to the date. I am a “never” (not till after the wedding)! And who is that these days? Practically nobody.

My other conundrum was that I was still reeling from the belated realization that I had made such a poor choice in a husband. He had misrepresented himself - and my understanding of his personality disorder - narcissism - helped me see that this was par for the course. But at the time I marrie,d i was sure that he was God’s will for me.

Now I want to be sure I do God’s will. Thats all I want. So I am determined to be completely okay with being single always - because that might be what God wants for me. As far as dating, I am not going to seek any dating, just leave that completely in God’s hands. For me, that seems right. Also I will seek an annullment. I want the Church’s judgement on my marriage, even if I gain a conviction that God is calling me to never remarry. And I understand going through the annullment process is a real healing process. So I hope someday you cna have that too.

So thats the perspective of one person who was in your shoes not too long ago. The pains don’t stay that strong. They just can’t. I hope that helps.

…I can’t be like my husband and just pick and choose what I want to believe in. I just feel like 1/2 of me is dead for the rest of my life. I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through anything similar, and how do you go on with your life?