Heartbroken over cheating spouse

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In all likelihood, they would share joint custody. The court would not see an unfaithful spouse as being an unfit parent.
 
whatevergirl said:
***flyingfish;

My thought to that is maybe proudfather (OP) wants to shield the kids from having to deal with their mom bringing different men around them? (if they are divorced and the mom is on her own) I agree, she seems to be a good mom, but doesn’t take her marriage seriously. Interesting dynamic. But, things change when people get divorced. How many times have we seen divorced parents, and one of the spouses (the one who was the cheater, namely) is more interested in exploring their newfound freedom than being a parent? It happens a lot, and maybe that is what the OP is afraid of, so filing for sole custody, would prevent the mom from having that much of an influence. I am guessing, but that’s my speculation.***
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Maybe you’re right, but to me it seems very selfish on his part to do this, all too often spouses try to win sole custody of the children to make the other pay for sins against the marriage. There are plenty of single mothers and divorced mothers who bring their boyfriends around their children in a way that is not in the least harmful. In some cases they marry those boyfriends who become great stepfathers to the children.

She is not being described as an alcoholic, a drug addict, a woman who spends all day/night at a dance club. In fact she seems more involved in “mom” things than the average woman. My guess would be that the children would be harmed far more severely by being torn away from their mother than if they happened to meet a boyfriend or two of hers.
 
*Telling the truth and being faithful to one’s spouse is actually much more valuable to kids, then being in a mom’s group and PTA. I feel sorry for your wife, OP…I really do. I wasn’t unfaithful, but there was a time in my marriage that I did not know how to be a good wife to my husband. I wanted out. We were separrated for a while. We merged back together after nearly a two year split, and immersed ourselves back into the faith. I can’t say what you should do, but living with someone who doesn’t take marriage as seriously as you, living with someone who lies to you, and the kids, etc…you’ll have to make some tough choices. I pray that you both can reconcile your marriage, and that your wife gets to the root of why she cheats. There is probably a story behind all of that.

I pray your wife will see all she has, and not risk losing it.*
 
whatevergirl said:
Telling the truth and being faithful to one’s spouse is actually much more valuable to kids, then being in a mom’s group and PTA.
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I agree with you.

But it’s better to have a mother who cheated on your father and still loves and cares for you than to be kept away from her, and perhaps told things to make her seem like a horrible person.

It seems like this woman just isn’t wired for monogamy, it happens with some people and they don’t seem to be capable of being faithful to one partner. But she can still be a caring, loving, and faithful mother to her children.
 
flyingfish said:
Maybe you’re right, but to me it seems very selfish on his part to do this, all too often spouses try to win sole custody of the children to make the other pay for sins against the marriage. There are plenty of single mothers and divorced mothers who bring their boyfriends around their children in a way that is not in the least harmful. In some cases they marry those boyfriends who become great stepfathers to the children.

*No one is as ideal as this dad…just from the posts, he seems responsible and loving. And patient. No one will be better than him. Kids that are raised with stepfathers, no matter how great, are never the same. Unless the bio dad was horrible and abusive, but this dad clearly is not. But, I agree with you in the sense that joint custody is best, unless one or the other parent is abusive, incapable of taking care of kids because of drug use, etc. That said, we are not in the OP’s shoes. If this is the route he wants to take, it’s a very personal one. None of us can really know what he’s going through, only him. I think it’s a very personal decision, to stay or not stay, in a marriage with someone unwilling to stop cheating on you. *
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flyingfish said:
I agree with you.

But it’s better to have a mother who cheated on your father and still loves and cares for you than to be kept away from her, and perhaps told things to make her seem like a horrible person.

It seems like this woman just isn’t wired for monogamy, it happens with some people and they don’t seem to be capable of being faithful to one partner. But she can still be a caring, loving, and faithful mother to her children.
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*If they were old enough to understand (say they were teens like my kids and up at 11pm at night), let’s say they asked dad…where’s mom, dad? And he had to lie for her…is that being a faithful mom? And they asked her, do we think she’ll say…oh I was out with one of my bf’s.

They are young now, they are probably in bed when she is out ‘on business’ dinners at night. It hasn’t been a problem for her, yet. She’d keep the charade going, if her husband hadn’t discovered the truth. I dunno, I hope she realizes that all these men are not worth what she will be losing. Joint custody of her kids, and the loss of what seems to be a good man. But, some people need to learn lessons the hard way. If she wants to be a good mom, she wouldn’t want joint custody…she would want to work things out at all costs with her husband. Unless she thinks her husband is just going to sit around and watch his wife cheat. But, bottom line is that while what she is doing seems to only affect the OP…it affects the kids, in the end. I see this as hand in hand…if she cares about those kids, she’ll stop cheating, and wish to make things work with her husband…and in turn, the kids will reap those benefits, as well.

It would take A LOT for me to not be living with my kids everyday.(like an unending joint custody situation)

OP–sorry, we are cluttering your thread here with our own chatter. I will hold you in my prayers…whatever God’s will is, may it be done for you both. *
 
whatevergirl said:
*If they were old enough to understand (say they were teens like my kids and up at 11pm at night), let’s say they asked dad…where’s mom, dad? And he had to lie for her…is that being a faithful mom? And they asked her, do we think she’ll say…oh I was out with one of my bf’s.

They are young now, they are probably in bed when she is out ‘on business’ dinners at night. It hasn’t been a problem for her, yet. She’d keep the charade going, if her husband hadn’t discovered the truth. I dunno, I hope she realizes that all these men are not worth what she will be losing. Joint custody of her kids, and the loss of what seems to be a good man. But, some people need to learn lessons the hard way. If she wants to be a good mom, she wouldn’t want joint custody…she would want to work things out at all costs with her husband. Unless she thinks her husband is just going to sit around and watch his wife cheat. But, bottom line is that while what she is doing seems* to only affect the OP…it affects the kids, in the end. I see this as hand in hand…if she cares about those kids, she’ll stop cheating, and wish to make things work with her husband…and in turn, the kids will reap those benefits, as well.

It would take A LOT for me to not be living with my kids everyday. (like an unending joint custody situation)

OP–sorry, we are cluttering your thread here with our own chatter. I will hold you in my prayers…whatever God’s will is, may it be done for you both.
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I appreciate the legal debate about custody. The OH in my name is for Ohio. I am not going to post my intent with regard to legal issues, however I intended to begin down this path (if I so choose) by offering a dissolution as a starting point. If it escalates to divorce in court, then I understand I have little hope of winning custody since on the surface she has done nothing to show she is a bad mother, in our first split, I gathered evidence from personal journal, her daily work schedule, and records of pickups and drop offs that I did daily with the Day Care. All would have worked in my favor in court. Things are different now.

When I look for custody, I look to also find a way to keep our house, and thus our children living in it. I do not seek custody as in she has no visitation or whatever, I believe that consistency is the best solution, but I also believe that her amoral lifestyle of late is not proper for our children to be raised in. Where does that leave me?

When I realized our trust had been broken, I began investigating. The evidence I found indicated a long running relationship that effectively started with a Blind Date (born of some connection on the Internet) which starts with him at our house on a weekend that I was helping my parents remodel. Meaning… Complete stranger, in our house, with our oldes child inside (perhaps asleep, perhaps not), and I assume this progressed immediately to a sexual relationship while she was pregnant with our second child.

Doesn’t seem like a wise choice to me, but then I have never contemplated being unfaithful to my wife in any situation that could become a reality. The pattern of this is clear in the email that when I am not around e.g. the occasional boys night out or weekend working she’s on the prowl. Evidence also shows the more typical, before work / at “lunch” / “work dinner” / etc. I actually have no idea if her Mom’s Group (this is facilitated at our Parish) is actually not a front for her escapades… a convenient reason to be away leaving me no expectation of being unfaithful. I might have to investigate that as well, though it could be a touchy subject reaching out to parish members asking of the whereabouts of my wife during that group’s events.

I appreciate the “sex addiction” disorder, but I’m not sure I buy it. I do also appreciate the thought that she could be repentant, but is it my responsibility to make her so, isn’t this really up to her? How do I go about crossing that bridge with out her willingness to come clean?

How many times do I turn the cheek? I am so angry and hurt right now, I can barely look at her much less hug/touch/kiss her casually to hold the “act” for the children.

I also appreciate the future perspective. I can certainly forgive her, not right now, but I have done it in the past, I can do it again. If we split, one of us will have custody, I don’t see how we could arrange and be successful moving the children between our dwellings every other week or however joint custody works. I can certainly live with the perspective that what happened between us is between us (with respect to the children) but if she is vindictive, which she tends to be, she will not be content keeping it between us…things very well could get nasty. This weighs heavily on my mind.
 
Nothing I say can help you right now, but I’m praying for you my brother.
 
Joint custody doesn’t have to be exact 50/50. In most cases in my area, each parent gets every other weekend, and the non-custodial parent gets one overnight visit midweek. It works out to a roughly 65/35 split. I would say that the parent who has the most flexibility in their job schedule should stay in the house and have a little more custody.

Joint custody works well in most situations. It keeps both parents actively involved in the children’s lives and allows them some down time from the demands of being a single parent, which is really a tough job. Plus when you get a custody situation that is close to 50/50, it means that the financial burden isn’t too strong on one parent over the other.

Divorce is totally a rough, gut wrenching experience, something I never ever want to go through again. It is really best though if both parents can not involve the children in their bitterness and anger with the other one. Keep them out of it and allow them to have a loving relationship with both parents. That is what is best for the children.

One book I would recommend is amazon.com/Moms-House-Dads-Making-Homes/dp/0684830787 It is the de-facto standard recommended by family therapists for rebuilding a new family life for your children.

I am sorry you are having to go through this, but it really is important to make it as painless as possible for your children. I think that everyone will be much happier if you manage to do that.
 
And if you do go down that road make sure you have the right of first refusal for taking care of children in any instance where she will be gone more than 4 hours. And you can mandate no member of opposite sex spending night while children are in the house.

Good luck.

There is a reason God said He hates divorce.
 
This is a heartbreaking story…I pray that she’s sees the “light” of Jesus and comes to her senses and realizes the most important people in her life is you and the kids…God Bless you…
 
proudfather_oh said:
If we split, one of us will have custody, I don’t see how we could arrange and be successful moving the children between our dwellings every other week or however joint custody works. I can certainly live with the perspective that what happened between us is between us (with respect to the children) but if she is vindictive, which she tends to be, she will not be content keeping it between us…things very well could get nasty. This weighs heavily on my mind.
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Are you planning to move away to a different city? If not, why on earth would it be difficult to get in a car and drive your children over to spend time with their mom? One of my close friends had his parents divorce when he was in his teens. After the divorce he lived with his mother but he spent several days a week with his father, either eating dinner with him, or going somewhere. Today he has a great relationship with both parents.

You have to think about what is good for your children instead of how angry you are at your wife. Do you really think it’s a better solution for them not to have their mother in their life? You’re crazy if you think this. Children develop a variety of deep psychological issues when they have a bad relationship or no relationship with one of their parents. Stop thinking about how much you want your wife to pay for cheating on you, and start thinking about the well being of your children.
 
flyingfish said:
Are you planning to move away to a different city? If not, why on earth would it be difficult to get in a car and drive your children over to spend time with their mom? One of my close friends had his parents divorce when he was in his teens. After the divorce he lived with his mother but he spent several days a week with his father, either eating dinner with him, or going somewhere. Today he has a great relationship with both parents.

You have to think about what is good for your children instead of how angry you are at your wife. Do you really think it’s a better solution for them not to have their mother in their life? You’re crazy if you think this. Children develop a variety of deep psychological issues when they have a bad relationship or no relationship with one of their parents. Stop thinking about how much you want your wife to pay for cheating on you, and start thinking about the well being of your children.
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*If anything, she has been selfish. Not him. He sounds like he is trying to see this from all angles, and definitely wants to do what is in the best interest of his kids. I don’t get the sense that he is thinking about ‘having his wife’ pay for cheating on him. Not at all. I think he is concerned with the kids traveling between two different houses as is the case with joint custody. He admits this is ‘weighing heavily’ on him. I don’t see selfishness on this poster’s part, at all. 😦 I feel terribly sad for him, frankly. *
 
whatevergirl said:
*If anything, she has been selfish. Not him. He sounds like he is trying to see this from all angles, and definitely wants to do what is in the best interest of his kids. I don’t get the sense that he is thinking about ‘having his wife’ pay for cheating on him. Not at all. I think he is concerned with the kids traveling between two different houses as is the case with joint custody. He admits this is ‘weighing heavily’ on him. I don’t see selfishness on this poster’s part, at all. 😦 I feel terribly sad for him, frankly. *
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She has been selfish as regards their marriage, of course. I am not defending her affair.

My point is that children who don’t have a good relationship with both parents are far more likely to suffer from mental health issues. Why wouldn’t he want to do everything possible to ensure that even in the case of the divorce the children have a good relationship with their mother?

Travelling between different houses seems like a pretty small inconvenience when the alternative may be life long mental health issues. (And of course the children will be hurt to some extent by the divorce, but they would be even more hurt if in addition to that they lose a close relationship with their mom.)
 
Flyingfish, I think the issue isn’t about punishing her, but about the judgment of a woman who would bring a blind date into a house with her young daughters.

This woman’s judgment is suspect. It’s not as much an issue when a man philanders. Most kids aren’t in danger from daddy’s female date.

But there are enough horrible men out there and this woman’s ability to distinguish good from evil is blinded by sin and lust and other things. I would not feel comfortable having kids stay over there. No one is saying play keepaway. But she’s obviously got a history of putting her own social needs over the needs of her family. Why would that stop if she were divorced?

Sometimes it corrupts a kid. Sometimes daughters learn real early and grow up when they see their mother behaving like that. It’s hard to tell which way it will go. The issue, I would think, is can this man stand keeping a marriage going on the surface just to ensure HE is the one inside the house at night when his kids go to sleep.

Yes, we all want the mother to come to her senses. But that’s not looking too hopeful right now.
 
I wouldn’t want the OP to get his hopes up that he will get sole custody. The courts really don’t care if one spouse cheated on the other, and they don’t get into the nitty gritty of parenting decisions. If he files for a divorce, he will be looking at life of joint custody, regardless of the fact that he is the innocent victim. Unless she actually has boyfriends that bring drugs into the house or are abusive, the fact that she has a boyfriend or boyfriends over are not going to enter into the decision. Furthermore, if he is perceived as trying to deprive a children from having a relationship with a mother who is basically functional, that will not look good to the court.
 
*I think that what is weighing heavily on proudfather, isn’t so much that he is seeking sole custody, although that was mentioned in the original post. But, rather that he has to even deal with this…and joint custody is rough on kids too. Divorce, no one wins. The kids lose the most. And no one here is arguing that point, but I think he is more saddened by the prospect of the entire situation, the daunting reality of putting the kids through any type of custody ‘battle.’

proudfather, I am so very sorry you’re going through this. I know we have said this a lot in this thread, but my heart aches knowing what you’re doing through. And my heart aches for your wife. On some level, she is lost…she is looking for something to satisfy her, that only God can do for her, if she would but let Him. She is trying to fill up a God-shaped hole, whatever has caused that hole in her life, with men. 😦 Please know we are praying for you here.*
 
Father for the sake of the children and the salvation of their parents, please let all that You wish be achieved in this man and this woman and their relationship. May Your will be done, and grant us to forgive as we wish You to forgive us.
 
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