Heartbroken over situation with my mom

[gmarie21]

Well, I’m a male, so I will offer a male perspective.

You’ve tried showing how hurt you’ve been. Sometimes it reaches men, sometimes it doesn’t. In this case it hasn’t reached your brother.

I know you are putting up with this for the sake of the children, but please realize that sooner or later they will wise up to the situation.

So you need to decide if your relationship with your mother is worth all this hassle, or if you want to drop it or take a break and let things land where they will.

If you do want to salvage this relationship, it appears that the pipeline is through your father. Keep that relationship cultivated as much as reasonably possible. And it appears he has given the answer you are looking for regarding the jealousy your brother has for your husband. Depending on how much you want to salvage your relationship with your mom, it may take your dad to step up and claim his leadership role and lay down the law with your brother (and mother as well), because many times a male will only “see the light of reason” when another male gets in his face.

As a woman who has had her own mother not “get it” and relay things incorrectly to my brother who then in turn had a cold shoulder to my situation, I can say that Norseman has the best advice. Men are different than women and you truly should take what is said as being the truth. Men don’t beat around the bush like most women do. Your mom shouldn’t be put in the middle b/c she will naturally defend the weakest child (I’ve seen it done in my own family as well as in other’s families) and your brother is the weakest child.

 

[CatholicSam]

Ack, so she can walked all over I don’t think so.:nope:

How is offering an apology for any real or perceived hurts she may have caused her mom letting mom “walk all over her”? As I said, we don’t know how the mother took this phone call. She may have heard it differently and misinterpreted OP’s tone of voice, etc. We know for a fact that she is traumatized and highly emotional over the situation with her son. And we also know for a fact that people in such a state of mind often do not act rationally or perceive things correctly.

I for one would like to give the mom the benefit of the doubt, especially if I valued the relationship I had with her. And what better exercise in humility than to apologize for offending her when there seems no reason for her to be offended–when OP has every right (by the standard of the world) to break off her relationship with her mother? And finally, what would Satan want to come out of this situation? I’m pretty sure he would want the OP and her mother to become embittered and consumed with feelings edging on hate for the way the other behaved. Don’t play into his ploy. Take a little bit of humility and make the first move to repair the relationship.

 

[Biblioassistant]

I’m so sorry. Family situations are the pits. One of my sisters hasn’t spoken to me in over 20 years. When she gets mad, she stays mad. I don’t think about nor stress over it - if she comes to her senses that’s fine with me. Meantime, I will interact with my other siblings, nieces and nephews and let her stew.

 

[stayathomemom]

How is offering an apology for any real or perceived hurts she may have caused her mom letting mom “walk all over her”? As I said, we don’t know how the mother took this phone call. She may have heard it differently and misinterpreted OP’s tone of voice, etc. We know for a fact that she is traumatized and highly emotional over the situation with her son. And we also know for a fact that people in such a state of mind often do not act rationally or perceive things correctly.

I for one would like to give the mom the benefit of the doubt, especially if I valued the relationship I had with her. And what better exercise in humility than to apologize for offending her when there seems no reason for her to be offended–when OP has every right (by the standard of the world) to break off her relationship with her mother? And finally, what would Satan want to come out of this situation? I’m pretty sure he would want the OP and her mother to become embittered and consumed with feelings edging on hate for the way the other behaved. Don’t play into his ploy. Take a little bit of humility and make the first move to repair the relationship.

I understand what you are saying, Sam. I must say I wish I could be more like you. I sincerely enjoy reading all of your posts because you have a very kind heart. I don’t know that my mother is ready to hear from me right now, and I’m afraid that if I take your advice she may end up hurting me all over again. No matter how much I apologize for any wrong that I (didn’t) do, she will still not like the decision that I have made…and that is to not be around my brother with this kind of behavior.

My mother feels that I want her to fix the situation, but I KNOW that she can’t. I have told her that. I told her that I just wanted her to be there for me, which she is not. THAT is what hurts the most, and the fact that I was crying on the phone expressing my sadness and disappointment over the situation and she hung up on me is tearing me apart. I feel like she doesn’t care about my feelings, only my brothers. I have done EVERYTHING I can to try to make things right with him, and he just doesn’t want. It’s just hard for me to let go of that. I guess I am grieving the loss of something that I know will never be.

My mom still hasn’t called me as of today, but my Dad has been calling. I think he knows:shrug: , but I can’t be sure. Usually when I speak to them, it’s on speakerphone so they can both talk, but my Dad has been calling and it’s just him directly on the phone (no speakerphone)…which is fine.

I did have a talk yesterday with a dear friend of mine who is a bit older than me (and wiser ) and she is a very sweet and kind lady. She was telling me that she has friends who have done the same thing to her, and how it’s now easy to let go of, but it feels so good when you accept it for what it is. It took me 2 years to get that way with the situation with my in-laws, and the peace I have today over this situation is amazing (thanks to a special friend here on the forum ).

Thanks so much for the advice. It really helps to hear from people who have experienced what I have. I appreciate it very much.

 

[SMHW]

My mother feels that I want her to fix the situation, but I KNOW that she can’t. I have told her that. I told her that I just wanted her to be there for me, which she is not. THAT is what hurts the most, and the fact that I was crying on the phone expressing my sadness and disappointment over the situation and she hung up on me is tearing me apart. I feel like she doesn’t care about my feelings, only my brothers. I have done EVERYTHING I can to try to make things right with him, and he just doesn’t want. It’s just hard for me to let go of that. I guess I am grieving the loss of something that I know will never be.

What sad situation!

It seems like your mother needs your brother desperately. She really wants you to be there for her to support her need for your brother. I’m not sure what you meant when you said you wanted your mother to be ‘there for you’ but I’m guessing she considers it to be making a choice between you and your brother. She probably thinks that the only way she can have both of you is if you eat dirt when your brother is around. In your mother’s mind, if you don’t want to cater to your brother then you are attacking her.

I think everyone here is probably correct in saying you need to distance yourself from your family’s problems. It seems like your father understands what is going on. He still has to deal with your mother and your brother, but he can still be your Dad.

You don’t want to burden your husband with your family troubles. (He’s getting his own grief.) So you probably need to rely on those of us here for support. (I’m sure your RL friends can be helpful but you don’t want to overdo that either.)

 

[CatholicSam]

I understand what you are saying, Sam. I must say I wish I could be more like you. I sincerely enjoy reading all of your posts because you have a very kind heart.

Thanks! I must say that after reading your reply it seems like your mother did understand full well what you were saying (no misunderstandings). In that case, to help your hurting heart, think about how Jesus must have felt when Peter denied him, and unite your pain to His. I will pray for a peaceful resolution of this situation.

 

[stayathomemom]

She probably thinks that the only way she can have both of you is if you eat dirt when your brother is around. In your mother’s mind, if you don’t want to cater to your brother then you are attacking her.

Yes, that is exactly it. You have worded it in no other way that I can say it.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

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[stayathomemom]

Well, I have an update.

My mother called me this morning (very nervously) to see if I would like to do something with her today. She said it didn’t matter what we did…she just wanted to get out of the house. She NEVER does that. (We decided to go shopping)

I think she is starting to realize that I am serious about distancing myself from my brother. I called my husband and told him, and he thinks it’s great that she called and is making an effort to accept this not so ideal situation.

I love my parents dearly, and don’t want to hurt them. I just can’t accept my brother’s behavior anymore,. Maybe in time his heart will soften, but it will take lots of prayer. He does not attend church anymore, which is shocking to some because he and my brother were devout altar boys, who everyone thought were going to become priests.

Thanks for all of the prayers, advice, and support. I hope this day goes well.

 

[gam3rchic]

Well, I have an update.

My mother called me this morning (very nervously) to see if I would like to do something with her today. She said it didn’t matter what we did…she just wanted to get out of the house. She NEVER does that. (We decided to go shopping)

I think she is starting to realize that I am serious about distancing myself from my brother. I called my husband and told him, and he thinks it’s great that she called and is making an effort to accept this not so ideal situation.

I love my parents dearly, and don’t want to hurt them. I just can’t accept my brother’s behavior anymore,. Maybe in time his heart will soften, but it will take lots of prayer. He does not attend church anymore, which is shocking to some because he and my brother were devout altar boys, who everyone thought were going to become priests.

Thanks for all of the prayers, advice, and support. I hope this day goes well.

:dancing: I’m glad for the positive update! I will continue to keep you in my prayers!