G
gurneyhalleck1
Guest
:clapping::tiphat:
- Status
R
rossum
Guest
You can see the whole thing here: Welcome to Hell. I particularly liked the “And finally …” at 2:20.
rossum
J
jpk1313
Guest
Two guy are standing in line to the gates of heaven waiting to see if they were going to get in. the first asked howed you die? the seconed said I froze to death. what about you? the first said well I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home from work early to catch her in the act. I ran all around the main floor looking for the guy and could not find him so I ran up stairs and could not find where she hid so I ran to the basment and still could not find him when I thought maybe she hide him in the attic so I ran all the way up to the attic and droped dead from a heart attac when I got there. the seconed guy says you know if you had just looked in the deep freez we would both still be alive.
This guy dies and goes to hell. the devil says to him Im in a good mood today I’ll let you choose you eternal damnation. so the devil leeds the guy to three doors and says behind each door is one punishment you can choose. the guy opens the first door and sees people burning in a lake of fire and says no not that one. he goes to the seconed door and sees people being tourtured in the most horrorable ways so much the guy pukes at how bad it is. nope not that one he says. when he opened the third door he sees people standing waist deep in the most foul sewage but were all smoking ciggeretts and drinking coffee. this one I guess says the guy. so he climes into the filth and starts smoking and drinking coffee, when about an hour later the devil sticks his head through the door and says ok coffee break is over everyone stand on your head.
This guy dies and goes to hell. the devil says to him Im in a good mood today I’ll let you choose you eternal damnation. so the devil leeds the guy to three doors and says behind each door is one punishment you can choose. the guy opens the first door and sees people burning in a lake of fire and says no not that one. he goes to the seconed door and sees people being tourtured in the most horrorable ways so much the guy pukes at how bad it is. nope not that one he says. when he opened the third door he sees people standing waist deep in the most foul sewage but were all smoking ciggeretts and drinking coffee. this one I guess says the guy. so he climes into the filth and starts smoking and drinking coffee, when about an hour later the devil sticks his head through the door and says ok coffee break is over everyone stand on your head.
J
jpk1313
Guest
one day in sunday school the teacher asked the class “does anybody know where jesus christ lives?” Little Jimmy stuch his hand in the air waving it around saying “I know I know where Jesus Christ lives!!” so the teacher says where does he live little Jimmy? Little Jimmy says “jesus Christ lives in my bathroom!” the teacher really confused asked him to explain why he thought Jesus Christ lives in his bathroom. Little jimmy says "well every morning my dad bangs on the bathroom door and yells “JESUS CHRIST ARE YOU STILL IN THERE!?!”
Jesus christ walks into a hotel hands the inn keeper three nails and says “can you put me up for the night?”
Jesus christ walks into a hotel hands the inn keeper three nails and says “can you put me up for the night?”
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jakasaki
Guest
The Catholic Priest and the ponies… 
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a Catholic priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race…
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.
Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.
Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated… As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the Catholic priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.
Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings – all of it!’.
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. ‘Son,’ he said, ‘that’s the problem with you Protestants, you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.’
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a Catholic priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race…
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.
Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.
Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated… As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the Catholic priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.
Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings – all of it!’.
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. ‘Son,’ he said, ‘that’s the problem with you Protestants, you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.’
B
Byzantine_Wolf
Guest
A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. Bartender says, “What is this?! A joke?!”
L
Lujack
Guest
Not really a joke about heaven, but I love it nonetheless:
So I hear about these brothers (in the religious sense) who live by the beach. To support their community and the Church, they run a little seafood shop; fish and chips. I go down there one day, and boy, it is the best seafood I’ve ever tasted. Fish are perfect, chips are perfect. So good, in fact, I rush to the back to find the chef. There, as I expected, is an elderly man in his clerical garb, laboring over the pot. “Excuse me,” I say, “are you the fish friar?” “No,”, he replies. “I’m just the chip monk.”
So I hear about these brothers (in the religious sense) who live by the beach. To support their community and the Church, they run a little seafood shop; fish and chips. I go down there one day, and boy, it is the best seafood I’ve ever tasted. Fish are perfect, chips are perfect. So good, in fact, I rush to the back to find the chef. There, as I expected, is an elderly man in his clerical garb, laboring over the pot. “Excuse me,” I say, “are you the fish friar?” “No,”, he replies. “I’m just the chip monk.”
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jakasaki
Guest
good one!
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Byzantine_Wolf
Guest
This is from the book The Spiritual Meadow:
An elder of great virtue visited us and we were reading the sayings of the holy fathers in the book called Paradise, for that elder was always very fond of going through the sayings. He inhaled them, as it were, and from that seed he produced the fruit of every virtue.
We came to the story of that elder to whom robbers came and said, “We have come to take everything in your cell.” When he replied, “Take whatever you like, children,” they took everything and went their way. But they had overlooked a purse which was hanging in the cell. The story says that the elder took the purse and ran after the robbers, shouting and saying to them, “Children, take this from me which you overlooked in our cell.” They were so amazed at his forbearance that they gave back to the elder everything that had been in his cell. And they repented, saying to each other, “Truly, this is a man of God.”
When we read this, the elder said to me, “You know, abba, this saying has been very advantageous to me.”
I asked him, “How so, father?”
And he said, “I read this at a time when I was in the Jordan region, and I was filled with admiration for the elder. I said, ‘Lord, let me follow in his footsteps, You who have counted me worthy to embrace this way of life.’ While this desire was still strong within me, two days later some robbers came by. When they knocked at the door I knew they were robbers. I said to myself, ‘Thanks be to God; the occasion has arisen for me to show the fruit of my desire.’ I opened the door and welcomed them cheerfully. I lit a lamp and began showing them the things that were there, saying, ‘Do not worry; before the Lord, I believe that nothing shall be hidden away from you.’ They said to me, ‘Have you any gold?’ ‘Yes,’ I replied, ‘I have three pieces of gold.’ I opened the chest before them; they took the gold and went their way in peace.”
With a smile, I asked him if they had returned like the robbers in the saying. He replied without hesitation:
“No, God forbid! Nor did I want them to come back!”
An elder of great virtue visited us and we were reading the sayings of the holy fathers in the book called Paradise, for that elder was always very fond of going through the sayings. He inhaled them, as it were, and from that seed he produced the fruit of every virtue.
We came to the story of that elder to whom robbers came and said, “We have come to take everything in your cell.” When he replied, “Take whatever you like, children,” they took everything and went their way. But they had overlooked a purse which was hanging in the cell. The story says that the elder took the purse and ran after the robbers, shouting and saying to them, “Children, take this from me which you overlooked in our cell.” They were so amazed at his forbearance that they gave back to the elder everything that had been in his cell. And they repented, saying to each other, “Truly, this is a man of God.”
When we read this, the elder said to me, “You know, abba, this saying has been very advantageous to me.”
I asked him, “How so, father?”
And he said, “I read this at a time when I was in the Jordan region, and I was filled with admiration for the elder. I said, ‘Lord, let me follow in his footsteps, You who have counted me worthy to embrace this way of life.’ While this desire was still strong within me, two days later some robbers came by. When they knocked at the door I knew they were robbers. I said to myself, ‘Thanks be to God; the occasion has arisen for me to show the fruit of my desire.’ I opened the door and welcomed them cheerfully. I lit a lamp and began showing them the things that were there, saying, ‘Do not worry; before the Lord, I believe that nothing shall be hidden away from you.’ They said to me, ‘Have you any gold?’ ‘Yes,’ I replied, ‘I have three pieces of gold.’ I opened the chest before them; they took the gold and went their way in peace.”
With a smile, I asked him if they had returned like the robbers in the saying. He replied without hesitation:
“No, God forbid! Nor did I want them to come back!”
B
Byzantine_Wolf
Guest
Here’s another one, that I’ve heard Fulton Sheen make a few times.
A little girl knelt down to pray at her beside, and said tearfully:
“Dear Lord, my family is going through a tough time. Jimmy has the mumps. Susie has the measles. Grandma’s broken her leg. Dad’s out of work…”
With a sigh, the girl continued:
“So please God…take care of yourself, because if anything happens to you, we’ll all be in the soup!”
A little girl knelt down to pray at her beside, and said tearfully:
“Dear Lord, my family is going through a tough time. Jimmy has the mumps. Susie has the measles. Grandma’s broken her leg. Dad’s out of work…”
With a sigh, the girl continued:
“So please God…take care of yourself, because if anything happens to you, we’ll all be in the soup!”
J
jakasaki
Guest
J
jakasaki
Guest
Adam and Eve
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded.
“You’re the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded.
“You’re the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.
G
Ghoti
Guest
Adam and Eve
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded.
“You’re the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.
indeed. I laughed at this one.
H
HarmonyServant
Guest
Hahahahaha! I love these!
M
Marsha_Adams
Guest
Perfect Catch-22!!
B
Byzantine_Wolf
Guest
Ha ha, I love it.Adam and Eve
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded.
“You’re the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.
J
jakasaki
Guest
The Gates of Heaven
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
The gate keeper came by and the woman said to him “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word,” the gate keeper told her.
“Which word?” the woman asked.
“Love.”
The woman correctly spelled “Love” and the gate keeper welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, the gate keeper asked the woman to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
“I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”
“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.
“Which word?” her husband asked.
“Czechoslovakia.”
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
The gate keeper came by and the woman said to him “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word,” the gate keeper told her.
“Which word?” the woman asked.
“Love.”
The woman correctly spelled “Love” and the gate keeper welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, the gate keeper asked the woman to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
“I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”
“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.
“Which word?” her husband asked.
“Czechoslovakia.”
X
xixxvmcm85
Guest
R
rick43235
Guest
After winning the field hockey tournament, the girls from St. Mary’s academy were enjoying a relaxing bus ride back to school. Unfortunately, the bus driver was trying to adjust the radio as the bus was crossing a rail road track, and he didn’t see the on-rushing freight train. There was a terrible crash, a blinding light…then all was silent. A moment later, the girls found themselves standing in line at the Pearly Gates. Of course, the girls were all in a state of confusion, so St. Peter was doing his best to calm them and restore order.
“Please girls. Just form a single line and be quiet. We have just a few administrative issues to deal with, then you can all go in.”
The girls obediently did as they were asked, and St. Peter began asking the girls a few questions. He began with the first girl in line. “Rita, have you ever touched a man’s penis?” At this question, Rita turned six shades of red and was struggling to find her voice. “My dear, please calm down. Just answer the question truthfully and everything will be alright.” Finally, in a voice so small that it was barely audible, “I once touched my boyfriend’s penis, but only with the tip of my finger.” St. Peter considered this for a moment and replied, “Thank you for your honesty my dear. Just dip the offending finger in this holy water and proceed through the gates.” Rita did as she was told, and entered the gates into heaven.
St. Peter then addressed the next girl in line. “Peggy, have you ever touched a man’s penis?” After having witnessed Rita’s ordeal, Peggy was prepared with an honest answer. With downcast eyes she replied, “Yes, St. Peter. On two occasions I stroked my boyfriend’s penis.” St. Peter looked at her and quietly said, “You know that was wrong, don’t you?” Peggy replied, “Yes, I do, and I am terribly sorry.” St. Peter looking lovingly at her and said, “Place the offending hand in this holy water, then enter the gates.”
Linda was the next girl in line, and just as St. Peter was about to question her, there was a terrible disruption from the back of the line. St. Peter looked up just in time to see Betty, with knees and elbows flying, pushing herself to the front of the line. “Betty, why the rush? There is room for everyone!”
Betty replied: “If I’m going to have to gargle with that stuff, I want to do it before Linda has to sit in it!!!”
“Please girls. Just form a single line and be quiet. We have just a few administrative issues to deal with, then you can all go in.”
The girls obediently did as they were asked, and St. Peter began asking the girls a few questions. He began with the first girl in line. “Rita, have you ever touched a man’s penis?” At this question, Rita turned six shades of red and was struggling to find her voice. “My dear, please calm down. Just answer the question truthfully and everything will be alright.” Finally, in a voice so small that it was barely audible, “I once touched my boyfriend’s penis, but only with the tip of my finger.” St. Peter considered this for a moment and replied, “Thank you for your honesty my dear. Just dip the offending finger in this holy water and proceed through the gates.” Rita did as she was told, and entered the gates into heaven.
St. Peter then addressed the next girl in line. “Peggy, have you ever touched a man’s penis?” After having witnessed Rita’s ordeal, Peggy was prepared with an honest answer. With downcast eyes she replied, “Yes, St. Peter. On two occasions I stroked my boyfriend’s penis.” St. Peter looked at her and quietly said, “You know that was wrong, don’t you?” Peggy replied, “Yes, I do, and I am terribly sorry.” St. Peter looking lovingly at her and said, “Place the offending hand in this holy water, then enter the gates.”
Linda was the next girl in line, and just as St. Peter was about to question her, there was a terrible disruption from the back of the line. St. Peter looked up just in time to see Betty, with knees and elbows flying, pushing herself to the front of the line. “Betty, why the rush? There is room for everyone!”
Betty replied: “If I’m going to have to gargle with that stuff, I want to do it before Linda has to sit in it!!!”
M
Marsha_Adams
Guest
President Truman died and went to heaven. He was met at the gates by St. Peter.
St. Peter said, “Well, Mr. President, it is good to have you here. You were a fine president and a great American, but before I let you in I have to ask you one question: were you ever unfaithful to Bess?”
“NO,” Truman responded, “I loved that woman and I was faithful to her all my life.”
“Well then, come on in. Here’s the keys to your Rolls Royce, I hope you like it here.”
Some years later President Eisenhower died and went to heaven and he was met at the gates by St. Peter.
St. Peter said, “Well, Mr. President, it is good to have you here. You were a fine president and a great American, but before I let you in I have to ask you one question: were you ever unfaithful to Mamie?”
Ike hung his head in shame and said, “Once during the war, times were hard and I was very lonely. But once I got home, I was never unfaithful again.”
“Well then, come on it. Here’s the keys to your Cadillac, I hope you like it here.”
Many years later, St. Peter was walking the streets of gold when he came across, Truman jumping up and down and cursing like a sailor beside his Rolls which had been driven into the side of one of the mansions.
“Harry, what happened? Are you okay?” St. Peter asked.
“I had to swerve to miss that ##%&# JFK on his skate board.”
St. Peter said, “Well, Mr. President, it is good to have you here. You were a fine president and a great American, but before I let you in I have to ask you one question: were you ever unfaithful to Bess?”
“NO,” Truman responded, “I loved that woman and I was faithful to her all my life.”
“Well then, come on in. Here’s the keys to your Rolls Royce, I hope you like it here.”
Some years later President Eisenhower died and went to heaven and he was met at the gates by St. Peter.
St. Peter said, “Well, Mr. President, it is good to have you here. You were a fine president and a great American, but before I let you in I have to ask you one question: were you ever unfaithful to Mamie?”
Ike hung his head in shame and said, “Once during the war, times were hard and I was very lonely. But once I got home, I was never unfaithful again.”
“Well then, come on it. Here’s the keys to your Cadillac, I hope you like it here.”
Many years later, St. Peter was walking the streets of gold when he came across, Truman jumping up and down and cursing like a sailor beside his Rolls which had been driven into the side of one of the mansions.
“Harry, what happened? Are you okay?” St. Peter asked.
“I had to swerve to miss that ##%&# JFK on his skate board.”
- Status