Heaven Joke

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Two Jesuit novices both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask their superior for permission. The first asked but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking and praying. “Why did the superior allow you to smoke and not me?” he asked. His friend replied, “Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!”
 
This one is a little older, but still really cool…

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Code: 
  Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?" 
   
  "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." 
   
  So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! 
   
  You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" 
   
  Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. 
   
  "No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says. 
   
  "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. 
   
  At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." 
   
  Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. 
   
  After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. 
   
  "Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. 
   
  Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. 
   
  Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the heck's that on the balcony with Colin?"
 
Eucharisted said:
There was a Christian golfer who once lived a holy life. On his deathbed, he asked his priest, “What is Heaven like?” The priest jokingly replied, “It’s an enormous golf course.” He took the priest’s words seriously. When he fell asleep, Jesus took his soul to Heaven, and he found it exactly like the priest had said! The Christian turned to Our Lord and asked Him if He wanted to play a round. Our Lord, thrown off by the man’s question, replied, “Oh, no, not again!” “What is it?” “I forgot to turn off the screen saver.” A moment later the golf course vanished and the Christian faced a magnificent city of gold, with a river of life-giving water flowing through it, and lush gardens, giant mansions, and beautiful walkways. The Christian turned to Jesus and said, “But I wanted to play a round of golf!”
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Do you know another joke created by an Indonesian catholic priest? A non-catholic Christian was dead and Peter let him come into heaven. Suddenly, he run away out from heaven. St. Peter ask him "Why do you run away? You are eligible to enter heaven. Many people are willing to enter but they are unqualified. Why do you go away? That man answer to St. Peter “I saw that Mary was inside heaven, so it must be the wrong one”.
 
Here’s one…

An old man is dying, and asks that an IRS agent and a lawyer come to his deathbed.

His family makes a few phone calls, and arrange for an IRS agent and lawyer to come over. They take seats on each side of the bed, and the old man takes their hands. The two men exchange glances - neither have met before, and neither of them know the old man…there seems to be no reason why they should be there.

Finally, the lawyer asks, “Excuse me, sir? Why are we here?”

“Well,” replies the old man, “Jesus died between two thieves, I figured I could too.”
 
** Here is the story of a rich man.

A money monger businessman died and went to the next world. There he hoped to go to Paradise. He went upto the door of paradise and tried to enter. The angel guard at the door of paradise stopped him and asked him, “Why you want to enter in paradise? What right have you? Did you ever do anything good for the mankind?”

The money lover, After some thinking, replied, “Yes, I once gave half a Pound to a poor man.”

The guard said, “Here, take this One pound and go to hell.”**
 
Reuben_J said:
And this one for the Protestants:

One day while he was at the track playing
the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch
noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track
and blessed the forehead of one of the horses
lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot
  • won the race!
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up,
Mitch watched with interest as the old priest step
onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses
came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing
on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed
a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was
another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed
won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited
to see which horse the priest would bless for the
6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.
As the races continued the priest kept blessing
long shot horses, and each one ended up coming
in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious
money. By the last race, he knew his wildest
dreams were going to come true. He made a
quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings,
and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell
him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the
track for the last race and blessed the forehead
of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes,
ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent
he owned on the old nag. He then watched
dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.
Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to
the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded,
‘Father! What happened? All day long you blessed
horses and they all won. Then in the last race,
the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile.
Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my
savings - all of it!’

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

‘Son,’ he said, ‘that’s the problem with you
Protestants; you can’t tell the difference
between a simple blessing and last rites!’
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Reuben,

That is a great joke.

One back at ya!

This guy who had a massive heart attack and died went up to the Pearly Gates and asked St Peter if his name is in the Book of Life and please open the Gates".

St Peter says: “What’s your name.”

The Man says: “John. And I’m here to go to Heaven.”

St Peter says: " Well, your name is not in the book of life, John. In matter of fact after doing some checking you have a ‘rap sheet’ that is a thousand feet long of all the bad things you’ve done on earth to so many helpless people.".

John say: “That may be true Pete, but that sheet ain’t updated yet! Why, just the other day I gave an old bag lady who was dying of starvation two bucks. Heck, I saved her life. I’m a good guy.”

St Peter says: “One act of kindness does not prove anything. You are not a good guy”

John says: “Wait a minute Pete. Just before I had the big heart attack I gave an old wino going through the DT’s two bucks. I saved his life too. Two lives in two days. How much better can a man get. I’m a good guy. Let me in”

St Peter says: “John, two acts of mercy plus all this hate and misery you inflicted on your fellow man. I don’t know. I need to talk with God.”

St Peter goes to God and says: “Lord God, I have this man named John out front who’s telling me his name should be in the Book of Life., but it’s not. He’s got a 1000-page track record all showing what a bad selfish person he was. But, he says the record is not updated since he died so quick. That he gave an old bag lady dying of starvation two bucks the other day and saved her. And that just before he died he gave an old wino, going through the DT’s, two bucks and saved his life too. Oh Lord, what should I do, what should I do”

God says: “Pete, give him back his four-bucks and tell him to go to Hell”

OUCH!

jpaul1953
 
My mom, who was going to be a nun but had left, used to tell this one.

Yes, every friday the laundry man would come to the back door and ask Mother Superior, “Have any dirty habits, sister?” 😃

I love that one!
 
From Jimmy Falon last week or so. I cracked up:

So, did you hear that the Pope really liked the new Harry Potter movie? Yeah, he gave it 4 stars, 2 Hail Marys, and an Our Father.
 
A Man gets to the pearly gates and talks to St. Peter. St. Peter asks him what he has done in life

The man says, “Well, St. Peter I once saw a woman being raped by a group of six gang members and I stopped to save her”

St. Peter says: “I don’t see that here, when did this happen?”

The man: “About 10 minutes ago”
 
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father” - “Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father,” “Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”

“Oh, Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Angela!”
 
Zundrah said:
…but listen to me my darling Janet, your pain has no reason to rebel against the pope (that is what protestant means). I am a methodist protestant becoming catholic. I never denied the popes authenticy and I pray to Mary (our darling advocate) and I have prayed to and with the communion of saints. I am so happy to be coming to the catholic church. That is where my home is in christ.

God bless you Janet. 😉

xxx zundrah xxx
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This is very sweet, Zundrah. 🙂
 
Janet1983 said:
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father” - “Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father,” “Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”

“Oh, Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Angela!”
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Janet,Very good joke but believe me thats NOT the way I heard it and I like the way you told it mush better then the way I heard it
 
cthulhubryan said:
A Man gets to the pearly gates and talks to St. Peter. St. Peter asks him what he has done in life

The man says, “Well, St. Peter I once saw a woman being raped by a group of six gang members and I stopped to save her”

St. Peter says: “I don’t see that here, when did this happen?”

The man: “About 10 minutes ago”
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GOOD JOKE LOL, LOL
jpaul1953
 
Not really a joke but a funny anecdote.

When Voltaire was dying, a priest came to give him last rites.

The priest asked, “Do you reject Satan, and all his works?”

Voltaire’s immediate response was, “Now now, my good man - now is not the time to start making enemies.”
 
Byzantine_Wolf said:
Not really a joke but a funny anecdote.

When Voltaire was dying, a priest came to give him last rites.

The priest asked, “Do you reject Satan, and all his works?”

Voltaire’s immediate response was, “Now now, my good man - now is not the time to start making enemies.”
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That’s a good one. 😃
 
Byzantine_Wolf said:
Not really a joke but a funny anecdote.

When Voltaire was dying, a priest came to give him last rites.

The priest asked, “Do you reject Satan, and all his works?”

Voltaire’s immediate response was, “Now now, my good man - now is not the time to start making enemies.”
Click to expand...
It reminds me a bit of Churchill’s quote in the House of Commons during World War II …

“If Hitler were to invade Hell, I should make at least one favourable reference to the Devil in the House of Commons”.
 
Bob_Crowley said:
It reminds me a bit of Churchill’s quote in the House of Commons during World War II …

“If Hitler were to invade Hell, I should make at least one favourable reference to the Devil in the House of Commons”.
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LOL! Nice! :rotfl:
 
Bob_Crowley said:
It reminds me a bit of Churchill’s quote in the House of Commons during World War II …

“If Hitler were to invade Hell, I should make at least one favourable reference to the Devil in the House of Commons”.
Click to expand...
My favorite Churchill quote is still from that dialogue he had with the one lady:

“Mr. Churchill, if I were your wife, I’d poison your tea.”
“Madame, if you were my wife, I’d drink it!”

Ahem, but any way, back to funny religious jokes…

The Devil walks up to a large group of damned individuals.

“Hello there,” he begins, “I am Satan, and as many of you know by now, this is hell. Before we begin, are there any questions?”

One condemned raises his hand, “Yeah, can I use the bathroom?”

“No, sorry,” replies the Devil, “you can’t.”

“What?!” cries the man. “Why not?!”

“I thought you knew,” says the Devil, “this is damnation without relief.”
 
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