Heaven Joke

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There was a Christian golfer who once lived a holy life. On his deathbed, he asked his priest, “What is Heaven like?” The priest jokingly replied, “It’s an enormous golf course.” He took the priest’s words seriously. When he fell asleep, Jesus took his soul to Heaven, and he found it exactly like the priest had said! The Christian turned to Our Lord and asked Him if He wanted to play a round. Our Lord, thrown off by the man’s question, replied, “Oh, no, not again!” “What is it?” “I forgot to turn off the screen saver.” A moment later the golf course vanished and the Christian faced a magnificent city of gold, with a river of life-giving water flowing through it, and lush gardens, giant mansions, and beautiful walkways. The Christian turned to Jesus and said, “But I wanted to play a round of golf!”
 
LOL -I think this one is much better than your joke!

A Protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being
good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But,
also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat
on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing some
juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it.
After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next
Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy
water on him and said: You were born Protestant. You were
raised Protestant. But now you are Catholic!

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their
fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming
from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new
Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on
Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the
beef saying: You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But
now you are fish! 😃
 
This one is sooooooooooooooo funny!

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said “Stop! Don’t do it!”

“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.

I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”

“Like what?”

“Well … are you religious or atheist?”

“Religious.”

“Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?”

“Christian.”

“Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

“Protestant.”

“Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”

“Baptist.”

“Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”

“Baptist Church of God.”

“Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”

“Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!”

To which I said, “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off.

:rotfl:
 
Zundrah said:
LOL -I think this one is much better than your joke!

A Protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being
good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But,
also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat
on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing some
juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it.
After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next
Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy
water on him and said: You were born Protestant. You were
raised Protestant. But now you are Catholic!

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their
fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming
from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new
Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on
Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the
beef saying: You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But
now you are fish! 😃
Click to expand...
That reminds me of a joke I once heard. My friend told me when Jesus performed the miracle of fish and bread, it was a Friday. I asked him how he knew that and he said, “Because you can’t eat meat on Fridays!” 😃
 
A Protestant died and was sent to hell. A few seconds after
arriving, the Devil appeared in a cloud of smoke and said,
“Hey Bill, Welcome to Hell! Heres the keys to your Porsche. Lets go visit your beachhouse!”
Before the befuddled man could answer, the Devil whisked him
into the Porsche and off they went. Arriving at the
beachhouse, the man could only stare in awe at the
magnificent mansion before him. The Devil handed the keys to
the mansion and the sportscar to the man whose mouth was
hanging open in amazement and said, " Well, Bill, Ill check up on you in two weeks. Enjoy!" And as suddenly as he had appeared, the devil disappeared. His incredulity fading somewhat, Bill went into the mansion and found everything to be first class with running servants, an indoor pool ... the whole nine yards. For two weeks, he lived like a king. After two weeks had elapsed, the Devil suddenly appeared and asked the man, "Well, Bill, how is Hell treating you? Great place, isnt it! By the way, I have another client to see so
I cant stay. Any problems? We aim to please down here in Hell." Bill replied that he certainly was having a grand time and that hed not been prepared for such royal treatment. In
fact, he had been expecting Dantes Inferno or something similar. The Devil laughingly replied "No, Bill. Those are just old wives tales. This is the way Hell really is! Great place, isnt it?"
Bill then said that everything was fine except that at
night, hed been hearing these terrible blood-curdling screams emanating from the nearby island out in the ocean. This was so disturbing that hed had to take an occasional
sleeping pill. He then leaned over and whispered to the
Devil, “Tell me really. Is that whats in store for me? After all, this IS Hell." The Devil could not stop laughing at this and with tears streaming down His eyes, he said "No, youve got it all
wrong. Those people on the island are the Catholics. They
DEMAND it!”

😃 Good times!
 
Zundrah said:
This one is sooooooooooooooo funny!

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said “Stop! Don’t do it!”

“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.

I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”

“Like what?”

“Well … are you religious or atheist?”

“Religious.”

“Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?”

“Christian.”

“Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

“Protestant.”

“Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”

“Baptist.”

“Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”

“Baptist Church of God.”

“Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”

“Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!”

To which I said, “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off.

:rotfl:
Click to expand...
That reminds me of a funny incident. I have a Protestant friend who used to be a part of the Baptist church but than created his own church. The reason? He didn’t like how the preacher spoke up at the pulpit! Yeah, forget about Jesus and the Bible and faith, it’s alllllll about what you want!
 
Zundrah said:
A Protestant died and was sent to hell. A few seconds after
arriving, the Devil appeared in a cloud of smoke and said,
“Hey Bill, Welcome to Hell! Heres the keys to your Porsche. Lets go visit your beachhouse!”
Before the befuddled man could answer, the Devil whisked him
into the Porsche and off they went. Arriving at the
beachhouse, the man could only stare in awe at the
magnificent mansion before him. The Devil handed the keys to
the mansion and the sportscar to the man whose mouth was
hanging open in amazement and said, " Well, Bill, Ill check up on you in two weeks. Enjoy!" And as suddenly as he had appeared, the devil disappeared. His incredulity fading somewhat, Bill went into the mansion and found everything to be first class with running servants, an indoor pool ... the whole nine yards. For two weeks, he lived like a king. After two weeks had elapsed, the Devil suddenly appeared and asked the man, "Well, Bill, how is Hell treating you? Great place, isnt it! By the way, I have another client to see so
I cant stay. Any problems? We aim to please down here in Hell." Bill replied that he certainly was having a grand time and that hed not been prepared for such royal treatment. In
fact, he had been expecting Dantes Inferno or something similar. The Devil laughingly replied "No, Bill. Those are just old wives tales. This is the way Hell really is! Great place, isnt it?"
Bill then said that everything was fine except that at
night, hed been hearing these terrible blood-curdling screams emanating from the nearby island out in the ocean. This was so disturbing that hed had to take an occasional
sleeping pill. He then leaned over and whispered to the
Devil, “Tell me really. Is that whats in store for me? After all, this IS Hell." The Devil could not stop laughing at this and with tears streaming down His eyes, he said "No, youve got it all
wrong. Those people on the island are the Catholics. They
DEMAND it!”

😃 Good times!
Click to expand...
…And than he woke up. 😃
 
Zundrah said:
This one is sooooooooooooooo funny!

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said “Stop! Don’t do it!”

“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.

I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”

“Like what?”

“Well … are you religious or atheist?”

“Religious.”

“Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?”

“Christian.”

“Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

“Protestant.”

“Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”

“Baptist.”

“Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”

“Baptist Church of God.”

“Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”

“Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!”

To which I said, “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off.

:rotfl:
Click to expand...
Brillant :D:D:D:D
 
A Biblical scholar spends his entire life trying to figure out if Saint John really was the author of Revelation. He debates with skeptics, he learns Koine Greek, he studies the ancient manuscripts, and research Church Tradition. He thinks he has the answer, but is still not sure.

As he grows old and is on his deathbed, he thinks to himself, “Finally! I’m going to find out the truth, once and for all!”

The man dies and is taken to heaven. As he walks in, who should he run into but Saint John himself. Darting forward, he bows before the saint and says, “Saint John! Saint John! It’s an honor to meet you at last! But please, I have one question I just need to find out! I’ve waited my whole life for the answer!”

John nods, “All right, go ahead.”

The man says in an excited voice, “Tell me - did you write Revelation?!”

John replies, “Yeah…I think I did.”
 
Byzantine_Wolf said:
A Biblical scholar spends his entire life trying to figure out if Saint John really was the author of Revelation. He debates with skeptics, he learns Koine Greek, he studies the ancient manuscripts, and research Church Tradition. He thinks he has the answer, but is still not sure.

As he grows old and is on his deathbed, he thinks to himself, “Finally! I’m going to find out the truth, once and for all!”

The man dies and is taken to heaven. As he walks in, who should he run into but Saint John himself. Darting forward, he bows before the saint and says, “Saint John! Saint John! It’s an honor to meet you at last! But please, I have one question I just need to find out! I’ve waited my whole life for the answer!”

John nods, “All right, go ahead.”

The man says in an excited voice, “Tell me - did you write Revelation?!”

John replies, “Yeah…I think I did.”
Click to expand...
Don’t quit your daytime job B.Wolf… 😃
 
Well… what about this one…

A Jewish Rabbi, a Baptist Minister and a Catholic Priest were in a boat on a lake.
The Jewish Rabbi tells the others that he is in the mood for a sandwich, gets out of the boat and walks ashore. After the Rabbi returns the Baptist Minister decides to walk ashore too and fetch himself some Sweet Tea.
Upon his return the Catholic Priest is completely amazed at the faith sustaining the two ministers to walk on water.
Relying on his own faith he proceeds to step out of the boat sinking down like a stone.
The Jewish Rabbi turned to the Baptist saying, “I guess he didn’t see the rocks.”
Puzzled the Baptist Minister replies, “What rocks?”
 
Three guys are setting in the club house after a golf. A jewish,A bapstism and a Cathloic. The jewish said religion is change as a jew I can now eat pork,The Cathloic said yes I know we can now eat Meat on friday,and the baptist said sain yes it is I can now talk to my friends in the liquir story on satday night
 
Bill_Pick said:
Three guys are setting in the club house after a golf. A jewish,A bapstism and a Cathloic. The jewish said religion is change as a jew I can now eat pork,The Cathloic said yes I know we can now eat Meat on friday,and the baptist said sain yes it is I can now talk to my friends in the liquir story on satday night
Click to expand...
Sorry about the spelling my time is out
 
What the difference between Catholics and Baptists?

Catholics say “Hi!” to each other in the liquor store!😉
 
Mary Magdelene was about to be condemned by the jews for adultery. Jesus walked up and said “let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone” , then a woman walked up and threw a stone towards mary magdelene, to which jesus replied “Mum! i really hate it when you do that!”.
 
RedSoxFan said:
What the difference between Catholics and Baptists?

Catholics say “Hi!” to each other in the liquor store!😉
Click to expand...
See Not all RedSoxl fan are bad==I think you got it right,I like yours over mine and your spelling is much better,Have a great night
 
Byzantine_Wolf said:
A Biblical scholar spends his entire life trying to figure out if Saint John really was the author of Revelation. He debates with skeptics, he learns Koine Greek, he studies the ancient manuscripts, and research Church Tradition. He thinks he has the answer, but is still not sure.

As he grows old and is on his deathbed, he thinks to himself, “Finally! I’m going to find out the truth, once and for all!”

The man dies and is taken to heaven. As he walks in, who should he run into but Saint John himself. Darting forward, he bows before the saint and says, “Saint John! Saint John! It’s an honor to meet you at last! But please, I have one question I just need to find out! I’ve waited my whole life for the answer!”

John nods, “All right, go ahead.”

The man says in an excited voice, “Tell me - did you write Revelation?!”

John replies, “Yeah…I think I did.”
Click to expand...
ROFL!
 
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