Heaven Joke

[Reuben_J]

Jesus was walking about the corridor of heaven one morning and was quite perturbed to notice some new dubious and questionable characters. He thought they must be new admissions but was curious as to why the admission was so lenient or was it the security?

These characters should not be here he thought.

He confronted St Peter and demanded to know about them.

The gatekeeper said, “Master, the security was good and the admission was stringent. But what can we do when your mother opened the back door and windows at night and let those scoundrels in?”

 

[Reuben_J]

Not exactly heaven joke but Catholics might love this:

After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’

‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.’

‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

‘Who’s going to tell?’ says the Pope with a smile?

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

‘Please slow down, Your Holiness!’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

‘Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license – and my job!’ moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph.’

‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.

‘I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,’ said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, ’ All the more reason!’

‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, ‘Who do you have there, the mayor?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ’ A senator?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘The Prime Minister?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Well,’ said the Chief, ‘Who is it?’

Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ‘What makes you think it’s God?’

Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope!’

 

[Reuben_J]

And this one for the Protestants:

One day while he was at the track playing
the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch
noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track
and blessed the forehead of one of the horses
lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot

• won the race!

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up,
Mitch watched with interest as the old priest step
onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses
came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing
on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed
a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was
another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed
won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited
to see which horse the priest would bless for the
6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.
As the races continued the priest kept blessing
long shot horses, and each one ended up coming
in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious
money. By the last race, he knew his wildest
dreams were going to come true. He made a
quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings,
and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell
him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the
track for the last race and blessed the forehead
of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes,
ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent
he owned on the old nag. He then watched
dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.
Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to
the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded,
‘Father! What happened? All day long you blessed
horses and they all won. Then in the last race,
the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile.
Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my
savings - all of it!’

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

‘Son,’ he said, ‘that’s the problem with you
Protestants; you can’t tell the difference
between a simple blessing and last rites!’

 

[cyberwolf001]

Letter Home to Pagan Parents from Elementary School Teacher

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas,

I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way, however, although she is a straight A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.
Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the room with her pencil in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her art class is in an hour and to please refrain until then to do any drawing.
And speaking of art class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawing little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the Rosés! By the way, what does "sky clad" mean?
Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle. She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started waiving it in front of me. I thought this a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal's Office. She explained to the Principal that she was "opening the circle" to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know what an "athame" is, but I'm glad she keeps it at home.
As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen.
One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense, and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humor.
One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto Others as you would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated that it was "Do As you Will, but Harm None" and she will not stop saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I try to correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.
In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.

With deep concerns,
Mrs. Livingston

P.S. Blessed Be. I understand this is a greeting or closing from your country that your daughter informs me is polite and correct.

 

[Louie1983]

And this one for the Protestants:

One day while he was at the track playing
the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch
noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track
and blessed the forehead of one of the horses
lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot

• won the race!

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up,
Mitch watched with interest as the old priest step
onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses
came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing
on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed
a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was
another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed
won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited
to see which horse the priest would bless for the
6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.
As the races continued the priest kept blessing
long shot horses, and each one ended up coming
in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious
money. By the last race, he knew his wildest
dreams were going to come true. He made a
quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings,
and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell
him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the
track for the last race and blessed the forehead
of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes,
ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent
he owned on the old nag. He then watched
dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.
Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to
the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded,
‘Father! What happened? All day long you blessed
horses and they all won. Then in the last race,
the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile.
Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my
savings - all of it!’

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

‘Son,’ he said, ‘that’s the problem with you
Protestants; you can’t tell the difference
between a simple blessing and last rites!’

hahahahahahhaahah
:clapping:

 

[Byzantine_Wolf]

Here’s one for the Protestants

An elderly pastor finds out someone in the community has passed away. About the same time he’s taken a young pastor fresh out of seminary under his wing, and decides to give him some experience.

“Tell you what,” says the older pastor to the younger, “I’ll let you say the prayer at this funeral. Think you can do that? It’s very important.”

The young pastor nods with enthusiasm, “Yes sir! Yes sir! When does the funeral start?”

“8 am,” replies the older pastor, “we’re meeting at the funeral home. Be on time.”

The young pastor gets home and sets his alarm, then says a prayer and heads to bed. Unfortunately, during the night the power goes out, ruining his alarm. He wakes up, sees his alarm clock blinking 12:00, and checks his watch to see, much to his dismay, that it’s 8:32.

He quickly dresses, leaps into his car, and speeds down to the funeral home. Asking around, he finds out that the funeral party’s already left to bury the body.

“Darn!” cries the pastor. “Where are they burying it?”

An employee gives the address, which is some distance away. “Also,” he adds, “it’s over a hill, behind a barn somewhere.” The pastor speeds down the highway, getting near the location around 9.

He looks desperately for a barn, finding himself surrounded by farmland. At last, he finds a barn behind a hill, and sees two men covering a large hole with fresh dirt. The pastor parks nearby and rushes over.

“Excuse me, gentlemen!” he says, waving his hands, “I’m sorry to interrupt your work, and I know I’m late, but please, this is important to me.”

The two men exchange glances, then nod, “All right, go ahead.”

The pastor holds up his Bible, “Let us bow our heads…” As the two men join him in prayer, the pastor goes into his long, prepared speech: he talks of the pitfalls of life, the hope of salvation, eternal life through Christ, and the value of faith. With a sigh, the pastor whispers, “…in Jesus’ name, we pray.” Somberly, he turns and walks away.

As the pastor disappears over the hill, one of the men wipes away a tear and says:

“You know…that’s the nicest thing I’ve ever heard said over a septic tank in years…”

 

[Bob_Crowley]

Paddy and Mick are on holiday in Rome, taking in all the sights and the old ruins. As they walk through the grounds of the Vatican, an elderly bloke collapses in front of them and dies from a heart attack. Several church dignitaries scurry towards the figure and as they move him, Paddy notices it’s the Pope! He’s been wandering the streets in mufti for a break.

“Geez, Mick, it’s the Pope!” he cries. At that the church dignitaries rush over and swear both of them to silence, as they don’t want the media to find out. So they agree. But then Paddy has a brainwave. “LIsten Mick, nobody else knows the Pope’s dead but us. Why don’t we ring the bookies in London and put a bet on it?!”

Mick agrees, and they place the bets. Then they get on with their tour.

A couple of weeks later they meet up in Dublin. “Hey, Mick”, gloats Paddy, "I cleaned up on the Pope. Made a mint! What about you?’

Mick went quiet. “Ah, no good, boyo” he said, “Not a cent.”

Paddy was amazed. “You’re kidding! It was a dead cert.”

“Yeah, well”, said Mick, “I put him on a double wi’ the Archbishop of Canterbury”.

 

[RebeccaJ]

What the difference between Catholics and Baptists?

Catholics say “Hi!” to each other in the liquor store!

How do you keep a Mormon friend from drinking all your beer at a party?

Invite two.

 

[gurneyhalleck1]

A Biblical scholar spends his entire life trying to figure out if Saint John really was the author of Revelation. He debates with skeptics, he learns Koine Greek, he studies the ancient manuscripts, and research Church Tradition. He thinks he has the answer, but is still not sure.

As he grows old and is on his deathbed, he thinks to himself, “Finally! I’m going to find out the truth, once and for all!”

The man dies and is taken to heaven. As he walks in, who should he run into but Saint John himself. Darting forward, he bows before the saint and says, “Saint John! Saint John! It’s an honor to meet you at last! But please, I have one question I just need to find out! I’ve waited my whole life for the answer!”

John nods, “All right, go ahead.”

The man says in an excited voice, “Tell me - did you write Revelation?!”

John replies, “Yeah…I think I did.”

I liked it…don’t listen to them wolf! But in this economy I wouldn’t recommend anyone quit their jobs anyway LOL unless maybe you are a trained teleprompter operator or teleprompter repairman. You could work for Obama lol…

 

[Byzantine_Wolf]

I liked it…don’t listen to them wolf! But in this economy I wouldn’t recommend anyone quit their jobs anyway LOL unless maybe you are a trained teleprompter operator or teleprompter repairman. You could work for Obama lol…

Funny you should say that - my last job and this one are in the media…

 

[gurneyhalleck1]

Anybody who knows me knows I’m a big time San Francisco Giants baseball fan. Hardcore. And I’m a total 100% Dodger-hater! This joke is great because it has the POPE in it and the Giants-Dodgers…

**On a tour of the western United States, the Pope took a few days off to visit the S.F coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile
when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a dodger hat, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Giants hats. One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious dodger fan from the water. Then, using
long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him.

“I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Giant and dodger fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies,
“Who was that?”
“It was the Pope” one replied. “He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God’s wisdom.”
“Well” the harpooner said, “he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he
doesn’t know $%#@ about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?”
**

 

[gurneyhalleck1]

Here’s another Giants-Dodgers-Catholic joke.

**One day, while driving along, he saw a priest. He
thought he would do a good deed so he pulled over and
asked the priest where he was headed.

“I’m going to give mass at Grace Cathedral, a few
miles down the road.” replied the priest.

“Climb in father, and I will give you a lift.” said
the man.

The man and the priest continued down the road when
suddenly the man saw a Dodger fan walking down the
road and he instinctively swerved to hit him. But, as
usual, he swerved back just in time to miss him.

Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy,
he still heard a loud thud. Not knowing where the
noise came from, he glanced in the mirrors and still
couldn’t see anything.

He then remembered the priest sitting next to him. He
turned and said, “Sorry Father, I almost hit that
Dodger fan.”

“That’s okay,” replied the priest. “I got him with the
door.”**

 

[emarc]

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference:
   “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”
3. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
4. “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”
5. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to conflict.
6. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
7. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
8. Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
9. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
10. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
    God bless.

 

[gurneyhalleck1]

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference:
   “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”
3. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
4. “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”
5. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to conflict.
6. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
7. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
8. Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
9. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
10. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
    God bless.

Those are hilarious. Those remind me of those Jay Leno newspaper ads with mistakes and ill-thought-out advertisements, really funny:thumbsup:

 

[rossum]

Continuing the golf theme:A priest and one of his parishoners are playing golf. The parishoner plays his shot and muffs it. "!“£$%^&*, missed.”

The Priest warns him, “You shouldn’t swear like that. God will get angry.”

“Sorry Father.”

Unfortunately the parishoner is not a very good golfer and he ends up in a bunker at the next hole. "!“£$%^&*, missed.”

“God is going to get very angry with you if you carry on like that.”

“Sorry Father.”

However the parishoner’s golf does not improve and inevitably another shot goes wrong.

"!“£$%^&*, missed.”

This time a threatening ominous cloud suddenly appears from a clear sky, hovering above the two golfers. The parishoner starts looking worried, while the priest starts looking just a bit smug. Suddenly there is a massive bolt of lightning KRAK-BOOM!

The parishoner is left amazed, and a bit puzzled, looking at a smoking hole in the ground where the priest was standing.

A deep booming voice comes from the heavens, "!“£$%^&*, missed.”
rossum

 

[jakasaki]

I liked it…don’t listen to them wolf! But in this economy I wouldn’t recommend anyone quit their jobs anyway LOL unless maybe you are a trained teleprompter operator or teleprompter repairman. You could work for Obama lol…

Byzantine Wolf know I was kidding with him!

It was a good joke!

 

[Zundrah]

Well… what about this one…

A Jewish Rabbi, a Baptist Minister and a Catholic Priest were in a boat on a lake.
The Jewish Rabbi tells the others that he is in the mood for a sandwich, gets out of the boat and walks ashore. After the Rabbi returns the Baptist Minister decides to walk ashore too and fetch himself some Sweet Tea.
Upon his return the Catholic Priest is completely amazed at the faith sustaining the two ministers to walk on water.
Relying on his own faith he proceeds to step out of the boat sinking down like a stone.
The Jewish Rabbi turned to the Baptist saying, “I guess he didn’t see the rocks.”
Puzzled the Baptist Minister replies, “What rocks?”

I love it!!! Hey, I’m methodist but I’m with you all the way!

 

[Zundrah]

And this one for the Protestants:

One day while he was at the track playing
the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch
noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track
and blessed the forehead of one of the horses
lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot

• won the race!

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up,
Mitch watched with interest as the old priest step
onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses
came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing
on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed
a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was
another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed
won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited
to see which horse the priest would bless for the
6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.
As the races continued the priest kept blessing
long shot horses, and each one ended up coming
in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious
money. By the last race, he knew his wildest
dreams were going to come true. He made a
quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings,
and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell
him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the
track for the last race and blessed the forehead
of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes,
ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent
he owned on the old nag. He then watched
dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.
Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to
the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded,
‘Father! What happened? All day long you blessed
horses and they all won. Then in the last race,
the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile.
Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my
savings - all of it!’

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

‘Son,’ he said, ‘that’s the problem with you
Protestants; you can’t tell the difference
between a simple blessing and last rites!’

No, I’m protestant but I love it, I love it!

 

[Byzantine_Wolf]

This one’s for everybody.

A man’s about to go skydiving for the first time. His instructor stands at the door of the airplane instructing him.

“Wait!” says the man. “What if my parachute won’t open?!”

“Open your emergency chute,” says the instructor.

“What if that won’t happen?”

The instructor shrugs, “Well…say, ‘Jesus, Jesus, please save me.’”

The man asks, “What if that doesn’t work?”

“Well, then say, ‘Allah, Allah, please save me.’”

“What if that doesn’t work?”

“Then say, ‘Buddha, Buddha, please save me.’”

“What if that doesn’t work?”

Annoyed by now, the instructor says, “You’ll be dead by then!” and kicks him out.

As he reaches the level to open his chute, the man pulls the chord. Nothing happens. He pulls the emergency chord. Nothing happens. He begins to panic. He looks down and sees the ground coming at him quickly.

Finally, he screams out, “Jesus! Jesus! Please save me!” Nothing happens.

The ground comes closer. The man cries out, “Allah! Allah! Please save me!” Still, nothing happens.

He’s now about to smash into the ground. Screaming as loud as he can, the man shouts, “Buddha!! Buddha!! Please!! Save me!!”

Suddenly, out of the clouds comes this huge arm that swoops down and catches the man in its palm, stopping him just fifty feet off the ground.

With a sigh of relief, the man says, “Thank God!”

SQUISH!!

 

[Zundrah]

This one’s for everybody.

A man’s about to go skydiving for the first time. His instructor stands at the door of the airplane instructing him.

“Wait!” says the man. “What if my parachute won’t open?!”

“Open your emergency chute,” says the instructor.

“What if that won’t happen?”

The instructor shrugs, “Well…say, ‘Jesus, Jesus, please save me.’”

The man asks, “What if that doesn’t work?”

“Well, then say, ‘Allah, Allah, please save me.’”

“What if that doesn’t work?”

“Then say, ‘Buddha, Buddha, please save me.’”

“What if that doesn’t work?”

Annoyed by now, the instructor says, “You’ll be dead by then!” and kicks him out.

As he reaches the level to open his chute, the man pulls the chord. Nothing happens. He pulls the emergency chord. Nothing happens. He begins to panic. He looks down and sees the ground coming at him quickly.

Finally, he screams out, “Jesus! Jesus! Please save me!” Nothing happens.

The ground comes closer. The man cries out, “Allah! Allah! Please save me!” Still, nothing happens.

He’s now about to smash into the ground. Screaming as loud as he can, the man shouts, “Buddha!! Buddha!! Please!! Save me!!”

Suddenly, out of the clouds comes this huge arm that swoops down and catches the man in its palm, stopping him just fifty feet off the ground.

With a sigh of relief, the man says, “Thank God!”

SQUISH!!

Serves him right for calling out to Allah and Buddha!

xxx zundrah xxx