daisy jones, your honesty is appreciated.
This is something about which I often think. I do not know where I will end up, mainly because there are a few things in the Catholic faith which I do not agree with in my heart and mind - not because I am prideful, but because I just don’t understand some beliefs. Even though I do not always act against Church teaching, because of these disconnects, I no longer receive communion which I know isn’t good.
Even if we have certainty of our personal salvation - as some of my Protestant friends argue - it strikes me as being more Christian to receive it humbly and in such a way that you could never take it for granted. Because we cannot know we must always be humble and obedient to God, striving to increase ourselves in Christ at every moment.
As for your difficulties with the Catholic Church, daisy, I would encourage you to Confess - and not just in a Confessional but find a priest or a lay minister with whom you could talk. A spiritual mentor, someone to help you. Doubt is not bad provided it prompts you to investigate - but it can be lethal if it is allowed to spread, ie “if there’s no A, is there a B?”
If we have no doubts, we have an immature faith. If your doubt is sincere, especially if there is doctrine that defies your understanding so that you struggle in giving assent of Will because assent of Mind is incomplete, I don’t think that a sin necessarily. It’s far different from doubt that is entered into purposefully, as out of rebellion against the authority of the Church or, worse, to defy the Trinity altogether.
Personally I have profound difficulty with some doctrine - particularly on Mary (as you can see if you go back about four months in my history), and it is all I can do to pray on it and approach as best I understand. I have confessed my doubts on a number of occasions, and at no point was I told I cannot receive the Eucharist unless I embrace against my understanding, but rather that I must prayerfully approach and offer up my doubts. The Absolution given was not conditional - and my Confessor even gave
Anima Christi and Scripture as penance, rather than a decade of the Rosary, knowing my difficulty with Marian doctrine.
If your life is full of charity then your faith is no less adequate than any of ours - the faith without works is dead but the faith that is fed by works can only grow. Keep your heart on Christ and your hands on doing His work and comfort yourself that not every citizen of Heaven is a theologian - nor for that matter is every theologian a citizen of Heaven.
