Hedonistic and Lost Family

[Brendan_64]

There’s no way I could honour them by simply praying and offering up my sufferings for them?

No. That’s self-indulgent and taking the easy way out. They are your parents. They have brought you up, fed and clothed you for 22 years, gave you somewhere to live, and you feel that when it suits you (i.e. when you no longer need them to support you financially) you can simply cut them off (and then just say a few prayers for them to avoid you breaking a Commandment)?

That, in my opinion, could be classified as gravely sinful action, and grave sin cuts a person off from God completely.

Very often (in fact usually) in life, the right thing to do isn’t the easy thing to do.

“Teacher, what good deed must I do, to have eternal life?” To the young man who asked this question, Jesus answers first by invoking the necessity to recognize God as the “One there is who is good,” as the supreme Good and the source of all good. Then Jesus tells him: “If you would enter life, keep the commandments.” And he cites for his questioner the precepts that concern love of neighbor: “You shall not kill, You shall not commit adultery, You shall not steal, You shall not bear false witness, Honor your father and mother.” Finally Jesus sums up these commandments positively: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

Ignore this at your peril.

 

[Allegra]

I recommend that you make arrangements to live independently and then see how it effects your relationships with your family. Often, being in seperate homes will improve a relationship a great deal. At any rate, you will not be obligated to be a whipping post anymore, because you will have some where else to go. Therefore, boundaries can be drawn. When your family sees that you will not allow them to treat you that way, they may change their behavior. So, I think it’s too early to determine whether or not the relationships are too toxic to maintain. I do think it sounds like you need to remove yourself from the home.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I pay for my own school. I pay my own way and give my mother money when she’ll accept it. I live with my family because my little brother begged me to move back after I almost got jumped in the big city. But thanks for assuming I’m a user.

Even if you’re only using them for security you are still using them. Unless you pay market rent, your share of food and utilities, your share of gas, insurance, internet, etc you are benefiting from what they are doing. If you are planning on continuing to take advantage of the situation until you are able to live on your own and then cut them off now that you no longer need them, you are using them, plain and simple.

If you want to cut them off then have the courage to make it on your own. Don’t ride on their coattails for as long as its convenient.

 

[xx24601]

No. That’s self-indulgent and taking the easy way out. They are your parents. They have brought you up, fed and clothed you for 22 years, gave you somewhere to live, and you feel that when it suits you (i.e. when you no longer need them to support you financially) you can simply cut them off (and then just say a few prayers for them to avoid you breaking a Commandment)?

That, in my opinion, could be classified as gravely sinful action, and grave sin cuts a person off from God completely.

Very often (in fact usually) in life, the right thing to do isn’t the easy thing to do.

My parents don’t support me financially. And cutting them off isn’t an easy choice or I wouldn’t be here. I want to keep in contact. It’s just gotten to the point that everything I do and every little way in which I express my faith infuriates them. I don’t want it to be that way. I don’t want to be scoffed at for going to daily Mass and wearing modest, feminine clothing and sneaking out to the barn to pray my rosary. That’s the situation I’m in. Would you suggest I stay and let them squash my faith? Force me to turn inward? To be a shadow or shell just to stay out of harms way?

 

[xx24601]

Even if you’re only using them for security you are still using them. Unless you pay market rent, your share of food and utilities, your share of gas, insurance, internet, etc you are benefiting from what they are doing. If you are planning on continuing to take advantage of the situation until you are able to live on your own and then cut them off now that you no longer need them, you are using them, plain and simple.

If you want to cut them off then have the courage to make it on your own. Don’t ride on their coattails for as long as its convenient.

I’m not riding on anyone’s coattails. I’m not benefiting in any way. My “security” is even for their benefit. I buy my own food because they buy junk food. My mother is too proud to accept rent/utility money from me until she has to. If she would accept more, I would give it.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

My parents don’t support me financially. And cutting them off isn’t an easy choice or I wouldn’t be here. I want to keep in contact. It’s just gotten to the point that everything I do and every little way in which I express my faith infuriates them. I don’t want it to be that way. I don’t want to be scoffed at for going to daily Mass and wearing modest, feminine clothing and sneaking out to the barn to pray my rosary. That’s the situation I’m in. Would you suggest I stay and let them squash my faith? Force me to turn inward? To be a shadow or shell just to stay out of harms way?

There’s no middle ground? You can’t live on your own and have a relationship with them with firm boundaries in place? You’re going to storm away and cut them off because they antagonize you? Especially since from the sounds of it the antagonism goes both ways?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I’m not riding on anyone’s coattails. I’m not benefiting in any way. My “security” is even for their benefit. I buy my own food because they buy junk food. My mother is too proud to accept rent/utility money from me until she has to. If she would accept more, I would give it.

Whether it’s pride or a desire to help her daughter if you accept these benefits while planning to cut them off but leaving them under the assumption that you want to be a part of the family you are exploiting them. Before they give you anything else or another night living there free you owe it to them to let them know that as soon as you are where you want to be you’re cutting them off. That’s just giving them the basic respect of honesty.

 

[Brendan_64]

My parents don’t support me financially. And cutting them off isn’t an easy choice or I wouldn’t be here. I want to keep in contact. It’s just gotten to the point that everything I do and every little way in which I express my faith infuriates them. I don’t want it to be that way.

It is their house that you are living in. If they don’t like you expressing your faith to them, then don’t. They know what you think. If they are infuriated by you expressing your faith, then that is their choice. You’ll just have to put up with it.

I don’t want to be scoffed at for going to daily Mass and wearing modest, feminine clothing and sneaking out to the barn to pray my rosary.

So for the sake of a bit of scoffing, you would cut them out of your life forever?

That’s the situation I’m in. Would you suggest I stay and let them squash my faith? Force me to turn inward? To be a shadow or shell just to stay out of harms way?

So you can’t simply move out, set up your own life but still maintain a relationship with them as your parents?

Jesus did not say that you should “Honour you father and mother, but only so long as they don’t scoff at you”.

 

[xx24601]

There’s no middle ground? You can’t live on your own and have a relationship with them with firm boundaries in place? You’re going to storm away and cut them off because they antagonize you? Especially since from the sounds of it the antagonism goes both ways?

Storming away would kind of require throwing a fit, which is not what I plan to do. I would leave, possibly with a note saying that I love them all dearly, but I’ve left to be a missionary elsewhere (not a lie, we’re called to evangelize wherever we are) and that I hope to see them on the other side. Sweeter and less brief than that, but that’s a good summation. I’m not leaving because they antagonize me. I want to leave because I feel their poisonous wrath seeping in.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Storming away would kind of require throwing a fit, which is not what I plan to do. I would leave, possibly with a note saying that I love them all dearly, but I’ve left to be a missionary elsewhere (not a lie, we’re called to evangelize wherever we are) and that I hope to see them on the other side. Sweeter and less brief than that, but that’s a good summation. I’m not leaving because they antagonize me. I want to leave because I feel their poisonous wrath seeping in.

So you’re using them, and when you’re done you’ll break their hearts with a note that isn’t “technically” a lie (I think a priest would have a different opinion), and all because you don’t want to take the time or effort to set boundaries and work on protecting your own mind and attitude?

There are plenty of faithful catholics on these boards that will be able to articulate the problems with this better than I can.

 

[xx24601]

It is their house that you are living in. If they don’t like you expressing your faith to them, then don’t. They know what you think. If they are infuriated by you expressing your faith, then that is their choice. You’ll just have to put up with it.

So for the sake of a bit of scoffing, you would cut them out of your life forever?

So you can’t simply move out, set up your own life but still maintain a relationship with them as your parents?

Jesus did not say that you should “Honour you father and mother, but only so long as they don’t scoff at you”.

Staying in contact would mean my eventual children would have to meet them. I’d like to avoid that if possible. Given what they’ve done to me, who knows what they’d do to faithfully homeschooled children. If it were just me I had to worry about, I might keep in contact, but none of us live in a vacuum. The friends we make, the family we choose, affects and can infect more than just us. I don’t want to infect my children with their wrathful and oversexed personalities.

 

[Allegra]

I’m not riding on anyone’s coattails. I’m not benefiting in any way. My “security” is even for their benefit. I buy my own food because they buy junk food. My mother is too proud to accept rent/utility money from me until she has to. If she would accept more, I would give it.

It sounds to me like the main benefit to your being there is providing a family scapegoat. When I was finishing my degree, I moved back home the last few months so that I could student teach. (Where you work a full day and get no pay.) My mother is mentally ill and she couldn’t handle my being there because it was the first time I was under her roof and under her control for the past four years and she immediately began belittling and disrespecting me constantly and attempting various methods of sabotague regarding my student teaching and what few hours of work I was actually able to do. Once I left the house, she realized that I wasn’t desperate anymore and she wasn’t going to be able to bully me. Her attitude immediately changed and our relationship has improved a great deal. My siblings all had similar experiences. I really think you should focus on getting out and then attempt to reestablish reasonable communication.

 

[xx24601]

I recommend that you make arrangements to live independently and then see how it effects your relationships with your family. Often, being in seperate homes will improve a relationship a great deal. At any rate, you will not be obligated to be a whipping post anymore, because you will have some where else to go. Therefore, boundaries can be drawn. When your family sees that you will not allow them to treat you that way, they may change their behavior. So, I think it’s too early to determine whether or not the relationships are too toxic to maintain. I do think it sounds like you need to remove yourself from the home.

Thank you for a thoughtful and kind response. I will take it into consideration.

 

[Allegra]

Staying in contact would mean my eventual children would have to meet them. I’d like to avoid that if possible. Given what they’ve done to me, who knows what they’d do to faithfully homeschooled children. If it were just me I had to worry about, I might keep in contact, but none of us live in a vacuum. The friends we make, the family we choose, affects and can infect more than just us. I don’t want to infect my children with their wrathful and oversexed personalities.

You’re way ahead of yourself there. Lots of parents who treated their own kids like garbage absolutely dote on their grandchildren.

 

[China123]

I am going to pray a rosary for you

Most often giving advice is much easier than following it (speaking from presonal experince here). I think you have received some good advice about trying to live apart from them. That is not always easy or do-able. I think you should offer the situation to God. “Ok Lord…I can not figure this one out. I place it in your loving hands.”

Sounds glib but I have done it and it does seem to work. Although it may not be the answer or the time I expected, it is handeled. You are in a hard situation and they are your family. Toxic relationships and not good for anyone but they are your family and it is hard to seperate that bond.

When I came back to the Faith, I put my kids in Catechism. My husband, also Catholic, had strayed also and was totally dead set against the Catholic Church. First night I brought them home from Catechism I showed him what they did that evening. He snickered and threw the papers on the table and exclaimed “Just like the Catholic Church, telling everyone how to live their lives”. My mouth dropped. We had decided that we would put the kids in Catechism together and I would not pressure him personally to come back. And then his remark. I remember turning around and walking into my sewing room. Something told me to keep my mouth shut and not do my typical “What do you mean” and start a fight trying to prove I am right. (LOL). As I was walking I said “OK Lord, I am giving this to you. I can not fight this fight. It is in your hands”. Within 2 weeks he was back at church and talking to a priest

So, the long post to relay that indeed the Lord does handle things for us when we give it to Him completely. Really, really, REAL, hard for me to do. But God was far more successful at changing my hubby’s heart and much faster than I ever have been.

I will definately put you in my prayer intentions and pray for you regularly. Stay strong!!

 

[xx24601]

Whether it’s pride or a desire to help her daughter if you accept these benefits while planning to cut them off but leaving them under the assumption that you want to be a part of the family you are exploiting them. Before they give you anything else or another night living there free you owe it to them to let them know that as soon as you are where you want to be you’re cutting them off. That’s just giving them the basic respect of honesty.

And she would deny it and say that I was just trying to hurt her. I’ve mentioned to her before when she’s gotten angry and hateful at me that if this behavior continues after I have children, she’ll never see them. That was her response then and it would be her response to your suggestion. No, my best plan for cutting them off (which I’m still not sure if I’ll do, by the way) would be the nice letter I mentioned.

 

[Brendan_64]

Storming away would kind of require throwing a fit, which is not what I plan to do. I would leave, possibly with a note saying that I love them all dearly, but I’ve left to be a missionary elsewhere (not a lie, we’re called to evangelize wherever we are) and that I hope to see them on the other side. Sweeter and less brief than that, but that’s a good summation. I’m not leaving because they antagonize me. I want to leave because I feel their poisonous wrath seeping in.

If you cut them out of your life then you will be going against what Jesus told us to do. Deliberately disobeying that commandment could be considered a grave sin, and that will cut you off from God, far more than any of the scoffing you might get from your parents.

You can dress it up any way you like, but that is the reality of what you would be doing. Do that at your peril.

Matt. 19:16-19 "And behold, one came up to him, saying, “Teacher, what good deed must I do, to have eternal life?” And he said to him, “Why do you ask me about what is good? One there is who is good. If you would enter life, keep the commandments.” He said to him, “Which?” And Jesus said, “You shall not kill, You shall not commit adultery, You shall not steal, You shall not bear false witness, Honor your father and mother, and, You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

Jesus did not say, “Honour your father and your mother, so long as they respect your faith and don’t scoff at it”.

To me, it seems like you want to do something that you know the Bible tells us is wrong, and you are looking for a ‘get-out’ clause. However, there are no such clauses.

But, it’s your life and your immortal soul.

 

[xx24601]

I am going to pray a rosary for you

Most often giving advice is much easier than following it (speaking from presonal experince here). I think you have received some good advice about trying to live apart from them. That is not always easy or do-able. I think you should offer the situation to God. “Ok Lord…I can not figure this one out. I place it in your loving hands.”

Sounds glib but I have done it and it does seem to work. Although it may not be the answer or the time I expected, it is handeled. You are in a hard situation and they are your family. Toxic relationships and not good for anyone but they are your family and it is hard to seperate that bond.

When I came back to the Faith, I put my kids in Catechism. My husband, also Catholic, had strayed also and was totally dead set against the Catholic Church. First night I brought them home from Catechism I showed him what they did that evening. He snickered and threw the papers on the table and exclaimed “Just like the Catholic Church, telling everyone how to live their lives”. My mouth dropped. We had decided that we would put the kids in Catechism together and I would not pressure him personally to come back. And then his remark. I remember turning around and walking into my sewing room. Something told me to keep my mouth shut and not do my typical “What do you mean” and start a fight trying to prove I am right. (LOL). As I was walking I said “OK Lord, I am giving this to you. I can not fight this fight. It is in your hands”. Within 2 weeks he was back at church and talking to a priest

So, the long post to relay that indeed the Lord does handle things for us when we give it to Him completely. Really, really, REAL, hard for me to do. But God was far more successful at changing my hubby’s heart and much faster than I ever have been.

I will definately put you in my prayer intentions and pray for you regularly. Stay strong!!

Thank you so much for your story and your prayers. I wish I could be so patient. I will pray for that grace.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

And she would deny it and say that I was just trying to hurt her. I’ve mentioned to her before when she’s gotten angry and hateful at me that if this behavior continues after I have children, she’ll never see them. That was her response then and it would be her response to your suggestion. No, my best plan for cutting them off (which I’m still not sure if I’ll do, by the way) would be the nice letter I mentioned.

Are you kidding? You tried to use your future children to threaten your mom about her behavior? It sounds like everyone, and yes, that includes you, needs to work on both their attitudes and the way they communicate.

 

[xx24601]

You’re way ahead of yourself there. Lots of parents who treated their own kids like garbage absolutely dote on their grandchildren.

Worse yet, she’d dote on them and give them whatever they wanted and they would see me as the bad person and my religion as the bad one for setting boundaries. I just don’t see myself winning in that situation.