Heeeelp! Perspective Needed!

[Rose71]

After many years praying that a decent, caring, properly single, Catholic man would find me, fall for me and ask me out…one actually has!

I’ve known him as a friend for a few years and I can honestly say he’s one of the most straightforwward, genuine and considerate people I’ve ever known. We share lots of interests in common and if I had to list all the qualities I’d look for in a man - he’d have them all.

The problem - if it is a problem - is that he’s 8 years younger than me…almost 9 years in fact! This is why I was absolutely amazed when he explained how he felt about me, because it never crossed my mind that he’d even be interested. I had a long talk with him today and pointed out the age difference, which he knew about anyway, and he said it doesn’t bother him one bit (I’m 40 and he’s 31)

He’s a really close friend and the last thing I want to do is lead him on, or date him ‘for fun’ without actually trying to discern whether he’s a likely future husband. I used to think that thinking like that was silly and old fashioned:blush: Maybe aged 40 I am finally either growing up or turning into my mum

Anyway - am I being too picky about the age thing? I’ve been single such a long time that I’m actualy quite scared of taking the risk again, but this is one man who I think I’m safe with. However - thinking of the practical side of things: I am 40 years old and I have a Mirena fitted on the advice of my doctor. It was fitted after I had an operation to remove a non-cancerous growth from my womb, which had been the cause of a lot of problems. I was advised that this was the best solution and as I was not in a relationship at the time, it’s definitely not a contraceptive!

Realistically though - let’s say we date for a year or so, to really get to work out if we have a future and then I get the Mirena removed after we’ve married. It can take several months to regain fertility and during that time, I have no idea if all my problems will come back again. So, even looking at it positively, I could be 42-43 before I had a child. I know older mums aren’t uncommon nowadays but it does carry extra risks and I’m not prepared to even consider abortion. I just wonder if he’s really thought all this through?

Fortunately, he is someone who I can really talk honestly and openly too - but when’s a good time to mention this?!

I know dating is the time to find out if you are truly compatible and I know we can do it properly and respectfully (I hope) and we’ve already said that whatever happens, we will stay friends because we already have a strong friendship.

SO…should I be worrying? Does an age difference matter? We’re both working adults and both well out of our 20s, so it’s not like I’m preying on a young lad! (he’s the one that did all the chasing) We’re not bothered about people’s comments of they want to make an issue out of it - but it’s really hard for me to get any perspective right now because it was such a surprise; I’ve been single for 11 years and the whole thought of dating again is just plain scary and I never, ever envisaged myself with such a much younger man!

Having said that, one of my aunts was happilly married to a man 5 years younger than her and at that time - it was a huge deal for some people. One of my friends and former colleagues is very happy with his wife, who is 11 years his senior and she has just had their first child - aged 48: a healthy baby boy.

I’m not saying it will lead anywhere - but he’s such a good friend, I would feel quite disrespectful towards him if I were to start dating him knowing that it’s not a good idea. I can’t figure out whether I’ve got cold feet a bit because it’s been such a long time, or whether I’m scared of getting carried away because I’m just so happy that finally a really amazing man is interested - so I’m trying to be mega-analytical

Any advice gratefully received (unless of course anyone suggests this is a scandal )

 

[Rita77]

After many years praying that a decent, caring, properly single, Catholic man would find me, fall for me and ask me out…one actually has!

I’ve known him as a friend for a few years and I can honestly say he’s one of the most straightforwward, genuine and considerate people I’ve ever known. We share lots of interests in common and if I had to list all the qualities I’d look for in a man - he’d have them all.

The problem - if it is a problem - is that he’s 8 years younger than me…almost 9 years in fact! This is why I was absolutely amazed when he explained how he felt about me, because it never crossed my mind that he’d even be interested. I had a long talk with him today and pointed out the age difference, which he knew about anyway, and he said it doesn’t bother him one bit (I’m 40 and he’s 31)

He’s a really close friend and the last thing I want to do is lead him on, or date him ‘for fun’ without actually trying to discern whether he’s a likely future husband. I used to think that thinking like that was silly and old fashioned:blush: Maybe aged 40 I am finally either growing up or turning into my mum

Anyway - am I being too picky about the age thing? I’ve been single such a long time that I’m actualy quite scared of taking the risk again, but this is one man who I think I’m safe with. However - thinking of the practical side of things: I am 40 years old and I have a Mirena fitted on the advice of my doctor. It was fitted after I had an operation to remove a non-cancerous growth from my womb, which had been the cause of a lot of problems. I was advised that this was the best solution and as I was not in a relationship at the time, it’s definitely not a contraceptive!

Realistically though - let’s say we date for a year or so, to really get to work out if we have a future and then I get the Mirena removed after we’ve married. It can take several months to regain fertility and during that time, I have no idea if all my problems will come back again. So, even looking at it positively, I could be 42-43 before I had a child. I know older mums aren’t uncommon nowadays but it does carry extra risks and I’m not prepared to even consider abortion. I just wonder if he’s really thought all this through?

Fortunately, he is someone who I can really talk honestly and openly too - but when’s a good time to mention this?!

I know dating is the time to find out if you are truly compatible and I know we can do it properly and respectfully (I hope) and we’ve already said that whatever happens, we will stay friends because we already have a strong friendship.

SO…should I be worrying? Does an age difference matter? We’re both working adults and both well out of our 20s, so it’s not like I’m preying on a young lad! (he’s the one that did all the chasing) We’re not bothered about people’s comments of they want to make an issue out of it - but it’s really hard for me to get any perspective right now because it was such a surprise; I’ve been single for 11 years and the whole thought of dating again is just plain scary and I never, ever envisaged myself with such a much younger man!

Having said that, one of my aunts was happilly married to a man 5 years younger than her and at that time - it was a huge deal for some people. One of my friends and former colleagues is very happy with his wife, who is 11 years his senior and she has just had their first child - aged 48: a healthy baby boy.

I’m not saying it will lead anywhere - but he’s such a good friend, I would feel quite disrespectful towards him if I were to start dating him knowing that it’s not a good idea. I can’t figure out whether I’ve got cold feet a bit because it’s been such a long time, or whether I’m scared of getting carried away because I’m just so happy that finally a really amazing man is interested - so I’m trying to be mega-analytical

Any advice gratefully received (unless of course anyone suggests this is a scandal )

go be happy! give the guy a chance. hope for the best but be prepaired for the worse.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Well, the points you’ve raised are good ones. But your age is not going to change no matter how young or old your date might be, so you’d have those concerns regardless. The age of your prospective husband won’t factor into that, except I would say that finding a younger man might give you a better chance to have children, or healthier children. (Assuming there aren’t fertility problems.)

But all of that is getting quite far ahead of yourself at this point. I say go ahead and date him. If he knows what he’s getting into, and so do you, and you are compatible, there aren’t any problems!

 

[ack]

I can’t comment on the potential fertility issues. However, I can comment on the age difference. I’m a man, and once, I considered dating a woman about 9 years older than me (similar age difference to yours). The story started the same way that yours did, too (we hung out frequently as friends for a few months before the relationship question came up.) However, things never progressed beyond casually discussing the possibility of a relationship.

When the woman is significantly older than the man, I think it gets harder to work through certain personality conflicts. In my case, the woman had a personality that I could best describe as…anxious, for lack of a better word. This led to other problems, the worst being that I felt like her behavior was getting controlling or suffocating, when we hadn’t even decided to explore a relationship yet. This resulted in me pulling away from her emotionally, and we lost interest in entering a relationship.

What does this have to do with age differences? Well, if I was her age, or older, I think I would have been able to take a more dominant role in the relationship, and the dynamic would have been different. On one hand, at 31, he should be more than mature enough to get married and start raising a family, but on the other hand, a man in his 40s will still have a certain…gravitas…that a man who’s 31 doesn’t have. (31 is still firmly within the “young adult” cohort after all.)

So, what does this mean for you? I think it’s definitely possible to have a good relationship when the woman is quite older than the man. However, when that kind of age difference exists (woman older than the man), I can see how a bad dynamic in the relationship can arise. Statistics show that marriages where the women is significantly older than the man are extremely rare, and I think this is one of the reasons why.

 

[ack]

Regarding the fertility issues – I don’t have any relevant experiences, but there are no guarantees when it comes to fertility. I know one couple who got married in their 40s, and five couples who got married in their 20s. The couple in their 40s had a healthy baby right after getting married, while out of the five couples in their 20s, three of them are struggling with infertility and another with cancer.

Statistics do show that it’s much harder to have a baby in your 40s… and yes, if you were a woman neglecting or postponing relationships or marriage for trivial reasons, I would counsel you to consider if you desire children and the impact this has on your fertility if you do. However, even though I desire children, I personally wouldn’t hesitate to marry a woman with questionable fertility, because as we’ve seen, fertility is never a guarantee, and it’s ultimately God who decides if we’ll have children or not.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Any advice gratefully received (unless of course anyone suggests this is a scandal )

Said lovingly, I think you’ve got the cart waaaaaaaay before the horse here.

You don’t even say how long you’ve been dating, and you’re already worried about age-related pregnancy complications. Slow down. One day at a time. Deep breaths. Once you’re in the “pregnancy zone,” speak with your physician about what you and your (future) husband can do to mitigate risks so you have a healthy pregnancy, delivery, and baby. In the meantime, you should be thinking about if you can see yourself marrying this man.

Again, you don’t say how long you’ve been dating this man, but I would highly recommend you don’t bring up pregnancy or age-related pregnancy complications on the first (or second for that matter) date. Again, slow down. Deep breaths. Wait until you’re talking about marriage and children before you bring up everything that might go wrong. Because everything might go right. My highly intelligent, perfectly healthy best friend in school was born in 1960 to a 50-year-old first-time mother.

He’s eight years younger than you. And? Plenty of women have highly successful marriages with men younger than them. It’s about values, world viewpoints, financial, lifestyle, and emotional compatibility, and love, not about age. Especially just eight years. If you were dating a 20-year-old, things might be different.

In the meantime, enjoy yourself and your friend! And congratulations!

Luna

 

[JoArtist]

At one point I dated someone 13 years older than I was. I was 19 and he was 32. Surprisingly the age gap didn’t create any problems. We were level on maturity and where we were in our lives, we ended up breaking up due to other issues that had nothing to do with age.

Age isn’t as big of a deal as people make it out to be. If you two are adults and on the same maturity level and such, there shouldn’t be an issue. Sometimes generational issues can cause issues, but you two sound like you are a good fit.

No matter who you are with you will have to face your fertility and other lady issues. If you are ever going to be happily married, those things may come up, but don’t let that stop you. Go and be happy.

 

[Leegal]

After many years praying that a decent, caring, properly single, Catholic man would find me, fall for me and ask me out…one actually has!

I’ve known him as a friend for a few years and I can honestly say he’s one of the most straightforwward, genuine and considerate people I’ve ever known. We share lots of interests in common and if I had to list all the qualities I’d look for in a man - he’d have them all.

The problem - if it is a problem - is that he’s 8 years younger than me…almost 9 years in fact! This is why I was absolutely amazed when he explained how he felt about me, because it never crossed my mind that he’d even be interested. I had a long talk with him today and pointed out the age difference, which he knew about anyway, and he said it doesn’t bother him one bit (I’m 40 and he’s 31)

)

Go for it. God Bless.

 

[triumphguy]

My mum is 8 years older than my dad. Go for it: if he is right for you and you are right for him.

 

[NSFrame]

As others have stated, you are thinking way too far ahead!

He knows you are 40. He must know then that there is a good potential for fertility issues if you two should eventually marry. If he does not have a problem with this, then why should you?

One step at a time…

You know you would kick yourself if you didn’t at least give the man a chance. All the best!

 

[Sparki777]

Um, yeah, you’re being too picky about the age thing. After age 30, an 8-year difference isn’t that big of a deal. I’m just about 6 years older than my husband, and the only time we even notice is when we’re talking about our favorite childhood tv shows or toys.

 

[cmscms]

I know dating is the time to find out if you are truly compatible and I know we can do it properly and respectfully (I hope) and we’ve already said that whatever happens, we will stay friends because we already have a strong friendship.

With all due respect, I would NOT count on that. If you do date, the friendship will never be the same and probably fizzle out. It is easy to say in the beginning, but after the hurt of the breakup, it will be different

Personally, I do NOT think you are thinking to far ahead. Children is a big topic of discussion before marriage and you are being realistic. If you don’t trust he will be 100% OK with the probably of not having children, do NOT set yourself up for hurt.

I only have 1 concern with the age difference (coming from a 42 year old single woman). I have seen people age overnight. For example, one day no one can believe ‘Helen’ is 50, next day they wonder how come she all of a sudden looks so old. A woman runs out of energy faster than a man and becomes more of a home body at an earlier age in general. So if your togehter time consists of downhill skying and running marathons, you will outgrow those way before him. Now if your together time is visiting museums and going to the theater, then this will not be an issue

CM

 

[Rose71]

Thanks everyone!

I know it sounds really panicky to be thinking about fertility etc., but to me, because he’s one of a close group of friends, as well as being someone who is now potentially dating him - I’m still someone who massively values him as a friend and wants the best for him - if that makes sense!

I definitely take on board the point about the relationship dynamic with an older woman, because I’ve seen that happen - not least to my brother, who married a woman only 7 years older than him, who turned out to be very maniplulative and controlling with my brother initially like a smitten puppydog and now more like a resentful doormat ( sorry for the mixed metaphors - no idea what a resentful doormat would actually look like!) I’m not looking for a mother / son relationship or to have a fawning admirer who wants to do everything for me. It’s definitely interesting to get the male perspective on this one - so many thanks for raising it, because it had crossed my mind too.

and yep - I also have considered the point that women age faster than men and I might just wake up looking my age one of these days! Fortunately, at the moment I’m in the lucky position of loooking a good few years younger - and he actually looks a few years older than he is, which is why it’s so easy to forget the gap.

He and I have already had a good talk about it (obviously not about fertility / marriage!!!) and we’re going to just take it slowly and we have established that our friendship is already so important to both of us that it has to stay - regardless of whether the whole dating thing works. Again, I accept that this will be difficult - but life’s difficult and real friendships have their ups and downs and you keep working on them.

I suppose I am finding it amazing that anyone could fall for me - after all, I’d written myself off as ‘on the shelf’ and out of respect for him (and because I’m a bit soft!) I want to be clear in my own mind that this is all okay…

Anyway, our first ‘date’ is on Tuesday - which we’d actually arranged as friends before he’d said anything and both of us suddenly realised was Valentines Day last night! We’re going hunting together, so I’ll be dressing up in wellies and cammo gear - which I’m sure some hardcore zealot will find a way of describing as ‘immodest’

We’ll see how it goes! I think the key is to keep talking as friends honestly and openly about how we feel and the fact we can do that already I think bodes well - even if the whole ‘dating’ think fizzles out and slips back into just mates.

You guys can be brilliant sometimes Thank you x

 

[GraceDK]

Thanks everyone!

I know it sounds really panicky to be thinking about fertility etc., but to me, because he’s one of a close group of friends, as well as being someone who is now potentially dating him - I’m still someone who massively values him as a friend and wants the best for him - if that makes sense!

Its okay to think about these things… we all do anyway… but just don’t bring it up until you are well settled in a comitted relationship.

I definitely take on board the point about the relationship dynamic with an older woman, because I’ve seen that happen - not least to my brother, who married a woman only 7 years older than him, who turned out to be very maniplulative and controlling with my brother initially like a smitten puppydog and now more like a resentful doormat ( sorry for the mixed metaphors - no idea what a resentful doormat would actually look like!) I’m not looking for a mother / son relationship or to have a fawning admirer who wants to do everything for me. It’s definitely interesting to get the male perspective on this one - so many thanks for raising it, because it had crossed my mind too.

**Don’t worry about that. In some relationships where the man is older than the woman the man is the dominating person who drives the woman nuts. People who wanna lord it over others come in all ages. I experienced this too when I was with a guy who was 11 years older than me… I think he liked to treat me like a kid. **

and yep - I also have considered the point that women age faster than men and I might just wake up looking my age one of these days! Fortunately, at the moment I’m in the lucky position of loooking a good few years younger - and he actually looks a few years older than he is, which is why it’s so easy to forget the gap.

** Women age faster than men? I never noticed that. I know severel woman who married a guy who was younger than them. What matters is that you are equals intellectually, spiritually and emotionally.**

I suppose I am finding it amazing that anyone could fall for me - after all, I’d written myself off as ‘on the shelf’ and out of respect for him (and because I’m a bit soft!) I want to be clear in my own mind that this is all okay…

**Don’t write yourself off. No one wants a partner who thinks they themselves are not interesting… **

Anyway, our first ‘date’ is on Tuesday - which we’d actually arranged as friends before he’d said anything and both of us suddenly realised was Valentines Day last night! We’re going hunting together, so I’ll be dressing up in wellies and cammo gear - which I’m sure some hardcore zealot will find a way of describing as ‘immodest’

**Have fun! **

We’ll see how it goes! I think the key is to keep talking as friends honestly and openly about how we feel and the fact we can do that already I think bodes well - even if the whole ‘dating’ think fizzles out and slips back into just mates.

You guys can be brilliant sometimes Thank you x

 

[Rose71]

Well, our date has been and gone!

When I reminded myself that I was just hanging out with an old friend, it was brilliant and I have to say I had a really excellent time…that is, until I remembered that he now feels somthing for me that I don’t yet feel for him. To make it worse, once we got back indoors, he kept getting really nervous and apologising for his nerves and I kept having to tell him not to put himself under so much pressure because I wasn’t prepared to jump into anything without spending more time together anyway.

He’d gone totally over the top! He insisted on cooking my dinner and then produced a huge bunch of roses and he’d already sent a big, personalised card in the post. I thought I’d made it clear that I didn’t want a fuss making because we were going to keep things just as friends, but make sure we kept in touch now the hunting season is over and got to see one another in situations outside the whole shooting scene (which is days where everyone is off work and happy to be outside with their mates - not by any stretch of the imagination a true reflection on how anyone actually functions most of the time)

Sadly, the more I think about it, the more I feel that although it’s not the actual no. of years younger than me that is the issue - the disparity in background and experience of life and education could be a deal-breaker.

He’s (through no fault of his own) been busy working and hasn’t travelled much or really developed any close friendships, let alone dated. women before. To me, if I’m brutally honest, what I’m seeing is infatuation because he’s found (his words not mine) 'the first woman I can really talk to".

I’ve lived and enjoyed my youth and now, God willing, I would like to settle down and share my life with someone whose life is on the same page. Looking at it objectively, if I was his friend (which I am, first and foremost) and he’s told me he was crazy about a woman 9 years older than him, who he knew through his hobby but hadn’t really seen much of outside that circle…I would tell him to make an effort to travel more and to widen his horizons and get used to just having close female friends. I’m not saying he necessarily needs to go overseas - just meet more people and people from outside his world.

I’m not sure whether I feel like this because deep down I just know he’s never going to ‘do it’ for me - of because he’s so lovely and nice, that I’m just scared because getting involved with anyone comes with risks and I don’t want to risk losing him as a friend. I can definitely say at the moment I am not physically attracted to him - but I can see that he will make someone a wonderful husband one day! He’s agreed to come with me to a couple of events outside his usual sphere - just as friends.

Do I level with him now - or am I risking throwing away the potential man of my dreams because he doesn’t fit all the long list in my head of what a man ‘should’ be? Do I keep going and have to let him down in a few weeks’ / months’ time? I can’t seem to work out whether what I feel is genuine ‘no - not interested’ or just mega cold-feet because it’s been a while since I kicked my shoes off

I’ve allways tried to be a pragmatist and never bought into the whole romantic, struck by lightening love-thing, but this just feels too passionless for me…I’ve also totally undermined myself by ringing an old friend for advice who I was besotted with for years and who I still go totally goofy over just on hearing his voice!

I feel massively ungrateful - but also a sense of duty as a friend to be honest with him and not to hurt his feelings. Not sure what to do

 

[Musician]

Don’t lay every emotion on the table right now for him to see, it would be too much to handle. If I were you, I’d continue to treat the relationship as a close platonic relationship but not suffocatingly close. You know?
I think a lot has been thrown your way all at once and you’re really up in the air and not thinking straight quite yet , give it some time and just see where the friendship seems to be headed.
If time goes on and you continue to feel warning signs of “NO CHEMISTRY HERE”, you’ll need to consider letting him down easily.
I hear you on the being on-the-same-page-of-life thing. That is more important than people realize. You can have lots of friends, but your one-and-only needs to be the right fit.
Prayers!

 

[shainski]

Don’t put too much weight on one date.

When you first start dating, it is often awkward. One or both of you are nervous.

I’ve never been one to fall in love at first sight, so the concept is almost unimaginable to me to even know how i feel after a date.

I know you’ve known him socially for a couple years, and you may know for a fact that there is no future. If that is the case, then you would be better leveling with him.

But if there is any shred of doubt, then go ahead and get to know each other better.

I don’t think eight years to a 40 year old is a big deal. (Well, i’m 8 years older than my wife - and we met when i was 42. I realize that is a different phenomenon - but still socially, i never thought of my wife differently because of her age. If it was a concern at all, i figured, it was her concern more than mine. If she was fine with the difference, than why should i come up with reasons that she shouldn’t be okay with it. Unless my advanced age gave me wisdom to understand that it will eventually matter to her but she doesn’t realize it yet.)

If he isn’t as worldly as you because you have had more opportunity to travel - then that is a great adventure ahead where you can share your love of travel with him. (Assuming he is like minded).

If having children is a deal-breaker for him - you have done all you can by being upfront with him about any limitations you have. But he would already be aware that your age makes it more difficult. (but, even at our “advanced” ages my wife and i now have 4 chlidren - so your age will not eliminate it).

On some level, when i read your posts, it sounds like he is a great guy but you are afraid that on some level you will disappoint him. Forget all that. Your job is to figure out whether he is good enough for you. His job is to figure out if you are good enough for him. Enjoy the adventure!

 

[mandajane]

One of my best friends’ mother is 11 years older than her husband. They are absolutely happily married, and their ages never factor into it (though sometimes they tease each other, like the wife saying “When I was your age…!” and the husband saying “I know you’re getting on in years, but…”

 

[TheRealJuliane]

One of my best friends’ mother is 11 years older than her husband. They are absolutely happily married, and their ages never factor into it (though sometimes they tease each other, like the wife saying “When I was your age…!” and the husband saying “I know you’re getting on in years, but…”

Good for them! Sounds like a great couple!