Heirlooms -what to do?

[Bruised_Reed]

I have a a few heirlooms that I’m not sure what to do with whether it’s now or putting something in a will. I am an only child, my parents are deceased and I’ve not married or have children. Basically family consists of my uncles and their wives and my cousins and their children. I also consider a few close friends family, as I’m closer to them than any of the blood relatives.

My dilemma is that I’m not close to any the the uncles, aunts, or cousins. We’re not estranged but things changed dramatically after my mom died. She was sort of the glue among the extended family. Since I’m not close I don’t know who I should give or will certain things to.

For example, I have three large photos of great-grandparents, a couple are in bubble glass so it’s not like I can make copies. I also have some collectible glass and crystal and some that have more sentimental value than anything else. There are a couple pieces of furniture and some jewelry but nothing of high value (except my great-aunt’s wedding ring a diamond in a platinum setting, and I’m keeping that; I’m single and this is my only chance at a diamond ) I have some very sentimental people in my family so donating or selling those things would not be okay.

I probably have a lot of these things because my mom was the only daughter and she absorbed bits and pieces here and there although when my grandma downsized and moved into an apartment I know there were things that my mom and a couple of her brothers got but a lot was sold (including good cast iron pans which makes me sad) and when my grandma died all but 3 cousins were able to take home the things she still had.

When my mom died I think that some of my cousins were expecting the same thing to happen, which is weird. Eventually, I want to give these things away but I don’t know where to start. There are some relatives who are ready to grab what they can but that’s a real turn off to me. I only have one clue and that is from a handwritten draft of my mom’s will that says everything goes to me and what I don’t want should go to two cousins that happen to be the closest geographically. That last part never made it into the final notarized will. My only hesitation with giving them certain things is that it might not be cared for properly or appreciated (like the framed photos.)

So. Anyone have this experience, whether on the giving or receiving end? I know I will never make everyone happy but I want to. It would be easier if I knew my cousins and their children (some are adults) better but honestly, the better I got to know them the less I wanted to share stuff with them.

One last thing. I got wind of some criticism about choices made for my mom’s funeral. They don’t know she planned everything, but I guess some were sore that they weren’t asked to do stuff. This adds to me feeling of doing the wrong thing.

Finally, please try to assume the best on my part as well as my relatives. I don’t want my belief that asking for advice on CAF is a very bad idea proven correct; remember a lot of feelings are involved here, not just stuff.

TIA:thankyou:

 

[UbiCaritas]

I have a a few heirlooms that I’m not sure what to do with whether it’s now or putting something in a will. I am an only child, my parents are deceased and I’ve not married or have children. Basically family consists of my uncles and their wives and my cousins and their children. I also consider a few close friends family, as I’m closer to them than any of the blood relatives.

My dilemma is that I’m not close to any the the uncles, aunts, or cousins. We’re not estranged but things changed dramatically after my mom died. She was sort of the glue among the extended family. Since I’m not close I don’t know who I should give or will certain things to.

For example, I have three large photos of great-grandparents, a couple are in bubble glass so it’s not like I can make copies. I also have some collectible glass and crystal and some that have more sentimental value than anything else. There are a couple pieces of furniture and some jewelry but nothing of high value (except my great-aunt’s wedding ring a diamond in a platinum setting, and I’m keeping that; I’m single and this is my only chance at a diamond ) I have some very sentimental people in my family so donating or selling those things would not be okay.

I probably have a lot of these things because my mom was the only daughter and she absorbed bits and pieces here and there although when my grandma downsized and moved into an apartment I know there were things that my mom and a couple of her brothers got but a lot was sold (including good cast iron pans which makes me sad) and when my grandma died all but 3 cousins were able to take home the things she still had.

When my mom died I think that some of my cousins were expecting the same thing to happen, which is weird. Eventually, I want to give these things away but I don’t know where to start. There are some relatives who are ready to grab what they can but that’s a real turn off to me. I only have one clue and that is from a handwritten draft of my mom’s will that says everything goes to me and what I don’t want should go to two cousins that happen to be the closest geographically. That last part never made it into the final notarized will. My only hesitation with giving them certain things is that it might not be cared for properly or appreciated (like the framed photos.)

So. Anyone have this experience, whether on the giving or receiving end? I know I will never make everyone happy but I want to. It would be easier if I knew my cousins and their children (some are adults) better but honestly, the better I got to know them the less I wanted to share stuff with them.

One last thing. I got wind of some criticism about choices made for my mom’s funeral. They don’t know she planned everything, but I guess some were sore that they weren’t asked to do stuff. This adds to me feeling of doing the wrong thing.

Finally, please try to assume the best on my part as well as my relatives. I don’t want my belief that asking for advice on CAF is a very bad idea proven correct; remember a lot of feelings are involved here, not just stuff.

TIA:thankyou:

Were I you, I’d hang onto everything until you die, but make provisions in your will. If you do get close to any of your relatives in the future–you never know what might happen!–and think they’ll appreciate certain pieces more than others would, you can always either alter the will or give them the items yourself.

In doing so, it sounds like you’d be following your mom’s wishes, and doing what any reasonable person would expect in providing for the care of this stuff once you’re gone, all while being thoughtful towards relatives who, it sounds like, have not always been entirely so to you. Win-win!

All that assumes, of course, that you want to hang onto this stuff for the moment. If not, then I’d make a reasonable guesstimate as to what would be fair distribution, and send the items along with some polite notes (“I’m sure Mom would have wanted you to have that portrait of Great-Aunt-Twice-Removed Matilda, so here she is!”).

 

[PhiloMed]

I know these are important items to YOU, but you need to realize that as generations pass they will hold less and less meaning to anyone. The first generation that didn’t know your grandparents will not really have sentimental feelings about a framed photo of them.

You should first enjoy these things for yourself since you are the one currently in possession since you have some reservations about giving it away.

Display the photos on the wall, dust off the crystal if you like to have it out, and if any of the furniture is in disrepair, get it cleaned up. My mother did something similar with many things she had that belonged to her grandparents.

Ultimately, all of this will have to go somewhere. If someone expresses a specific interest in something (gee, I have such fond memories of sitting at grandma’s telephone table and playing secretary) then you might have a taker. But don’t be surprised or hurt if the younger generations are really not all that interested. If you just blindly offer, they might feel they have to take something they don’t really want.

My family had a lot of furniture from multiple generations. I am an only child and my mother was one of three but none of her siblings had any children. My grandmother was one of 4 but she was the only one who had any children. Our family has gotten smaller and smaller and as each generation aged we ended up with a collection of French Provincial furniture, wing back chairs, dining room sets, oriental rugs, and other items that were all the rage at one time but not as fashionable or practical now.

Everyone was surprised when I didn’t want to take all the antique furniture. I took some of it when DH and I were in our starter house, but as we made some money and were able to buy things we actually liked I was ready to kick most of it to the curb. My grandmother holds a special place in my heart, her dining server doesn’t. I told my family it was going to the curb when the Pottery Barn truck arrives unless they wanted it. Nobody had any space for it so that and many other things either went to the curb with a “FREE” sign or the local antique shop took them.

Photos are easier to hang on to. They don’t go out of style and don’t take up much room, but once you reach a generation that didn’t know those people very well it will inevitably end up in an attic and someone will ask “who is this?”

So the moral of this story is to enjoy the items if they hold special value to you. If someone expresses a specific interest then try to pass it on and just let it go. If there are things that none of your family or friends want, try not to get too upset because in the end it is just “stuff” to everyone else.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Were I you, I’d hang onto everything until you die, but make provisions in your will. If you do get close to any of your relatives in the future–you never know what might happen!–and think they’ll appreciate certain pieces more than others would, you can always either alter the will or give them the items yourself.

In doing so, it sounds like you’d be following your mom’s wishes, and doing what any reasonable person would expect in providing for the care of this stuff once you’re gone, all while being thoughtful towards relatives who, it sounds like, have not always been entirely so to you. Win-win!

All that assumes, of course, that you want to hang onto this stuff for the moment. If not, then I’d make a reasonable guesstimate as to what would be fair distribution, and send the items along with some polite notes (“I’m sure Mom would have wanted you to have that portrait of Great-Aunt-Twice-Removed Matilda, so here she is!”).

The framed portraits are the toughest decision and I’d like to start downsizing a bit. I forgot to mention the furniture. I was thinking if I moved, buying things from Ikea would suit my needs so I could maybe give some pieces to family when and if I move.

Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut; it’s helpful.

 

[PhiloMed]

I love anecdotes so here’s one…

Sometimes items that seem to hold tremendous value are not what they seem. Even sentimental value can deceive us and, in the end, we shouldn’t worry so much about these “things”.

Shortly after I got married, my mom gave me a set of china that I remember eating nearly every holiday dinner from. I was having my in-laws over for dinner for the first time and my mom showed up at my door with a huge box of plates, bowls, salad plates, gravy boat- you name it! She dropped it off without much to say, but I was sincerely touched. I hate the pattern on it. It’s not my style at all. Never the less, I keep it because mom passed it on to me and I can’t just throw it away.

Seven years later my mom is helping me set the table for Christmas.

Mom: Why don’t you buy yourself some china?
Me: I have china!
Mom: Why aren’t we using it?
Me: We are. It’s your china. Right there. In your hand.
Mom: This isn’t china.
Me: Yes it is. You passed the good china on to me after I got married.
Mom: No. I bought this at Macy’s after your father and I got married because we were having a dinner party and I didn’t have anything nice to serve on. I bought it the morning of the dinner party. I just got whatever they had on the shelf that was being sold as a set.
Me: So this isn’t your fine china?
Mom: No. And I gave it to you because I wanted to clear out that cabinet and decided that since you like to cook and always complain about how I cook, my dinner hosting days were officially over.

I can’t afford a full set of china right now, but one day I will and the Macy’s set will go in the trash.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

I know these are important items to YOU, but you need to realize that as generations pass they will hold less and less meaning to anyone. The first generation that didn’t know your grandparents will not really have sentimental feelings about a framed photo of them.

This would be true of my cousins kids. I don’t know that they have any sentimentality or interest in antiques. Their parents, my first cousins, are another matter. I know most are very sentimental, save for two that are sort of estranged, but one was my mom’s goddaughter and I know she’d like something.

You should first enjoy these things for yourself since you are the one currently in possession since you have some reservations about giving it away.

That what was what I realized after my mom died. Yes it was in the will, but more importantly when I asked her what I should do with certain things, who I should give them to, she never really answered. I was trying to be efficient and thoughtful but didn’t consider that my mom wanted me to enjoy those things. I hope my thoughlessness didn’t hurt too much.

Display the photos on the wall, dust off the crystal if you like to have it out, and if any of the furniture is in disrepair, get it cleaned up. My mother did something similar with many things she had that belonged to her grandparents.

I’ve thought of re-purposing some things since I don’t make fancy cakes for those cake platters, etc. But…

Ultimately, all of this will have to go somewhere. If someone expresses a specific interest in something (gee, I have such fond memories of sitting at grandma’s telephone table and playing secretary) then you might have a taker. But don’t be surprised or hurt if the younger generations are really not all that interested. If you just blindly offer, they might feel they have to take something they don’t really want.

Exactly.

My family had a lot of furniture from multiple generations. I am an only child and my mother was one of three but none of her siblings had any children. My grandmother was one of 4 but she was the only one who had any children. Our family has gotten smaller and smaller and as each generation aged we ended up with a collection of French Provincial furniture, wing back chairs, dining room sets, oriental rugs, and other items that were all the rage at one time but not as fashionable or practical now.

Everyone was surprised when I didn’t want to take all the antique furniture. I took some of it when DH and I were in our starter house, but as we made some money and were able to buy things we actually liked I was ready to kick most of it to the curb. My grandmother holds a special place in my heart, her dining server doesn’t. I told my family it was going to the curb when the Pottery Barn truck arrives unless they wanted it. Nobody had any space for it so that and many other things either went to the curb with a “FREE” sign or the local antique shop took them.

Photos are easier to hang on to. They don’t go out of style and don’t take up much room, but once you reach a generation that didn’t know those people very well it will inevitably end up in an attic and someone will ask “who is this?”

So the moral of this story is to enjoy the items if they hold special value to you. If someone expresses a specific interest then try to pass it on and just let it go. If there are things that none of your family or friends want, try not to get too upset because in the end it is just “stuff” to everyone else.

Right. One thing I didn’t mention is that there are some items that I have from my dad’s side and I’ve already mixed up which side they belonged to. A few things are labeled but if those sticky notes fall off I’ll be clueless.

Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

I love anecdotes so here’s one…

Sometimes items that seem to hold tremendous value are not what they seem. Even sentimental value can deceive us and, in the end, we shouldn’t worry so much about these “things”.

Shortly after I got married, my mom gave me a set of china that I remember eating nearly every holiday dinner from. I was having my in-laws over for dinner for the first time and my mom showed up at my door with a huge box of plates, bowls, salad plates, gravy boat- you name it! She dropped it off without much to say, but I was sincerely touched. I hate the pattern on it. It’s not my style at all. Never the less, I keep it because mom passed it on to me and I can’t just throw it away.

Seven years later my mom is helping me set the table for Christmas.

Mom: Why don’t you buy yourself some china?
Me: I have china!
Mom: Why aren’t we using it?
Me: We are. It’s your china. Right there. In your hand.
Mom: This isn’t china.
Me: Yes it is. You passed the good china on to me after I got married.
Mom: No. I bought this at Macy’s after your father and I got married because we were having a dinner party and I didn’t have anything nice to serve on. I bought it the morning of the dinner party. I just got whatever they had on the shelf that was being sold as a set.
Me: So this isn’t your fine china?
Mom: No. And I gave it to you because I wanted to clear out that cabinet and decided that since you like to cook and always complain about how I cook, my dinner hosting days were officially over.

I can’t afford a full set of china right now, but one day I will and the Macy’s set will go in the trash.

Heh. Thanks for that. I know I’ve been over thinking this and making it a problem when it doesn’t need to be one. I needed some perspective. This goes for UbiCaritas, too.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Something else that came to mind, actually about that ring.

First, I’d do exactly what you’re doing if I were in your shoes.

Second, however, you might consider willing it to your Mom’s goddaughter. It might mean a great deal to her.

I never met my paternal grandmother; she died a decade before I was born. However, going by family pictures, I look exactly like her. When I met older relatives on that side for the first time as a young adult, I was told the resemblance actually bordered on the creepy–they all adored my grandmother, but it was, apparently, a bit startling to see her walk in the room when she’d been dead for nearly thirty years…

Anyway, I’ve always admired her very much from the stories I’d heard about her. One of these relatives, a niece of hers, had an old ring that she used to wear all the time. It’s a rather pretty and quite unusual costume ring–probably worth something only as a collectable. However, this niece ended up sending it to me because she thought I’d like it. I didn’t own anything of that grandmother’s–dad was an only child, so he gave away most of her stuff to female relatives after she died–and it still means a lot to me to have it.

Just a thought!

 

[Xantippe]

I love anecdotes so here’s one…

Sometimes items that seem to hold tremendous value are not what they seem. Even sentimental value can deceive us and, in the end, we shouldn’t worry so much about these “things”.

Shortly after I got married, my mom gave me a set of china that I remember eating nearly every holiday dinner from. I was having my in-laws over for dinner for the first time and my mom showed up at my door with a huge box of plates, bowls, salad plates, gravy boat- you name it! She dropped it off without much to say, but I was sincerely touched. I hate the pattern on it. It’s not my style at all. Never the less, I keep it because mom passed it on to me and I can’t just throw it away.

Seven years later my mom is helping me set the table for Christmas.

Mom: Why don’t you buy yourself some china?
Me: I have china!
Mom: Why aren’t we using it?
Me: We are. It’s your china. Right there. In your hand.
Mom: This isn’t china.
Me: Yes it is. You passed the good china on to me after I got married.
Mom: No. I bought this at Macy’s after your father and I got married because we were having a dinner party and I didn’t have anything nice to serve on. I bought it the morning of the dinner party. I just got whatever they had on the shelf that was being sold as a set.
Me: So this isn’t your fine china?
Mom: No. And I gave it to you because I wanted to clear out that cabinet and decided that since you like to cook and always complain about how I cook, my dinner hosting days were officially over.

I can’t afford a full set of china right now, but one day I will and the Macy’s set will go in the trash.

That is hilarious.

It’s like a one-sided mother-daughter version of Gift of the Magi.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Something else that came to mind, actually about that ring.

First, I’d do exactly what you’re doing if I were in your shoes.

Second, however, you might consider willing it to your Mom’s goddaughter. It might mean a great deal to her.

I never met my paternal grandmother; she died a decade before I was born. However, going by family pictures, I look exactly like her. When I met older relatives on that side for the first time as a young adult, I was told the resemblance actually bordered on the creepy–they all adored my grandmother, but it was, apparently, a bit startling to see her walk in the room when she’d been dead for nearly thirty years…

Anyway, I’ve always admired her very much from the stories I’d heard about her. One of these relatives, a niece of hers, had an old ring that she used to wear all the time. It’s a rather pretty and quite unusual costume ring–probably worth something only as a collectable. However, this niece ended up sending it to me because she thought I’d like it. I didn’t own anything of that grandmother’s–dad was an only child, so he gave away most of her stuff to female relatives after she died–and it still means a lot to me to have it.

Just a thought!

My mom has two goddaughters from the family (not sure how many non-relatives she was godmom to); one has 4 boys and the other no children. And that’s what makes this tricky. I also have a one-of-kind torc that I bought for myself; I have to think about that, too. It won’t fit just anyone, and I don’t know anyone who’s into Celtic jewelry besides me.

It’s funny. Years ago I would have panicked, even grieved losing my aunts wedding ring (already lost it once but St. Anthony came through) but now, hey, it’s one less thing I would have to worry about. It’s valuable but I can’t see myself selling it.

 

[EasterJoy]

Our families had a lot of this kind of thing, and you are absolutely right that the current generation has little interest in it. Old china is plentiful and cheap, because so many people have sets in great condition that their grandmother rarely used and no one in the family wants. If you ever wanted to buy some hand-painted china that can’t go into the dishwasher, now is an excellent time. There is a lot out there to choose from! Even valuable items like sterling silver didn’t interest anybody.

The first thing I would do is to get high-quality digital copies made of every family picture you have and DOCUMENT every one of them–who, when, where. There are places that can handle getting the pictures in and out of bubble glass, even. Our family has some of those frames; the pictures can be taken out and put back in. I would also suggest making some notations on the pictures themselves. A photographic conservator can tell you how to do that without harming the photograph. I have just gotten a huge trove of photographs of persons known only to the deceased. We don’t even have guesses concerning who some of these people are. That is a real shame.

As for the heirlooms themselves, remember this scene from the Gospel of Luke:
Someone in the crowd said to him, “Teacher, tell my brother to share the inheritance with me.” He replied to him, “Friend, who appointed me as your judge and arbitrator?" Then he said to the crowd, “Take care to guard against all greed, for though one may be rich, one’s life does not consist of possessions.” Luke 12:13-15 As the current family guardian of these objects, your job is to tone down any greed concerning who gets them. Whatever you do, do not stir that up and do not encourage it in anyone. The Lord does not get cranked up about this sort of thing, and those who do are not deserving of encouragement in that direction, but rather in the opposite direction.

Still, of course you want to be a good steward, and that is a praiseworthy thing. You may find it the easiest to make an inventory of those items you consider heirlooms and make an addendum to your will concerning who gets them, but specifying that the items are not to be offered for sale unless every family member you have listed has decided not to take them. You do not need to disclose what items are on the list or who gets what to anyone but your executor. Do your executor a favor, though, and specify what order your relatives have right of refusal. Don’t dump any decisions on his or her lap. You may direct your executor to go ahead and distribute these items if you become incompetent and cannot live anywhere that you can keep them safely. I would give the ring to a relative, for instance, if you are put into a care facility permanently, because those things have a way of evaporating when there is no spouse or child of the patient visiting on a regular basis to watch for whether they are still there.

If your relatives don’t like your choices after you’re dead, oh well. The chances are that you will outlive everyone who wants these things, so do not lose a lot of sleep over this. I don’t know if they’ll change their minds in twenty years, but right now most people between 15 and 35 has no interest in owning objects that were owned by their ancestors but have no direct connection with them. It is certainly OK to ask your relatives to let you know if there is anything you have, inherited or not, that they would like when you are done with it, so you can keep this in mind for the directions you are making in case you are incapacitated. Make it clear that those directions are going to remain absolutely private, however, excepting that your family will be told who is in line to be your executor or executors when the time comes. (I would not make that person a family member or anyone who will care if the family throws a tiff.)

The last thing: If you have a sentimental attachment to an item, realize you may be the last person who ever does. Do not keep it stowed away for someone else to use. Your use of it will make it more of an heirloom, not less. If it breaks, it breaks. It wasn’t purchased to be made into a museum piece.

Oh, and on the inventory it would be charming if you included any stories that go with the objects. Your relatives may sell the objects and yet keep and treasure the stories. We love to hear little tidbits about our ancestors, even mundane things such as why they moved from one town to another, what their hobbies and eccentricities were, their favorite sayings, and so on. You hold so many memories that will die with you if you do not write them down! Take the time to collect those and see to it that your relatives have a chance to get them. Likewise, try to write down family recipes or descriptions of how family holidays were celebrated.

The other thing I would suggest is to collect whatever knowledge you have of your relatives’ health histories. Were they skinny all their lives or fat? What diseases did they get and when? How did pregnancies go? What did the babies weigh? What was your relatives’ cause of death and what chronic illnesses did they suffer from? When was the onset for those? This is also information that could be of great interest later, but impossible to obtain if you do not provide it before you die.

 

[Sunbreak]

Put the photos out where you can see them. What other people here say is correct - younger folks don’t care about the stuff that other people owned because they want to choose their own stuff. Ask yourself if you really want the items you inherited or are you just keeping them because they belonged in the family and would feel guilty getting rid of them. When the last of my parents died, I shipped several boxes of stuff back to where I lived. I have not used hardly any of those things and so they still sit in boxes 11 years later. Thankfully, my sister is the official keeper of the family photos so I don’t have many of those. But do I really need the old glass candy dish that sat on my grandmother’s coffee table? No and I probably will get rid of it at some point. I have some of my grandmother’s china too. Yes it’s pretty but it can’t be put in the dishwasher. There are few collectible items but not many.
I wouldn’t worry about what your relatives expect. Do what you think is best with the items.

 

[Bonnie]

I’m learning from all of you - thank you! I’m in a similar situation. My dad’s family was very small & I have only one cousin. My sisters & I have already sorted out what we want, tho it seems that none of our kids are interested. I’ve been in contact with the one cousin & sent him a few things that were Grandma’s.

It would be easier if the things were worth money, but they aren’t - the things I’ve kept are for purely sentimental reasons. I’m planning (I really need to get a round tuit!) to put stickers on things explaining who it came from and when. I ended up with my dad’s US flag from his funeral, so I’m hoping at least one of the kids will want that.

 

[PhiloMed]

It would be easier if the things were worth money, but they aren’t - the things I’ve kept are for purely sentimental reasons. I’m planning (I really need to get a round tuit!) to put stickers on things explaining who it came from and when. I ended up with my dad’s US flag from his funeral, so I’m hoping at least one of the kids will want that.

Exactly. Younger generations don’t want the stuff. Different style. Different time. On the other hand, things like photos and military flags can hold sentimental value as long as the person actually had a connection.

Another anecdote.

A family member of mine, now in her 90’s, has been married 3 times and buried three husbands. On the way home from the funeral of her 3rd husband, she is sitting in the car beside her sister.

Widow: (gently caressing the folded flag in her lap)
Sister: So…how many of those have you got now?

Sit-com writers don’t even need to be creative. Real life has the best material!

 

[Xantippe]

My parents have wound up with a lot of stuff from various deceased relatives.

They can’t part with stuff from great-grandma.

Funny thing, I know for a fact that the bulk of great-grandma’s furniture was collected from the side of the road.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Our families had a lot of this kind of thing, and you are absolutely right that the current generation has little interest in it. Old china is plentiful and cheap, because so many people have sets in great condition that their grandmother rarely used and no one in the family wants. If you ever wanted to buy some hand-painted china that can’t go into the dishwasher, now is an excellent time. There is a lot out there to choose from! Even valuable items like sterling silver didn’t interest anybody.

Among the many things I have is a silver coffee service. People don’t do coffee like they once did. I have no idea who would want it. I wish it was a tea set. I would be able to use it and pass it on.

The first thing I would do is to get high-quality digital copies made of every family picture you have and DOCUMENT every one of them–who, when, where. There are places that can handle getting the pictures in and out of bubble glass, even. Our family has some of those frames; the pictures can be taken out and put back in. I would also suggest making some notations on the pictures themselves. A photographic conservator can tell you how to do that without harming the photograph. I have just gotten a huge trove of photographs of persons known only to the deceased. We don’t even have guesses concerning who some of these people are. That is a real shame.

I didn’t know if those photos could be removed; that’s good to know. I know I have most of the photos from when my mom and her brothers were growing up and I’ve found that those old albums with sticky pages are the worst. I may have to have it done professionally. I think my relatives would appreciate that.

As for the heirlooms themselves, remember this scene from the Gospel of Luke:
Someone in the crowd said to him, “Teacher, tell my brother to share the inheritance with me.” He replied to him, “Friend, who appointed me as your judge and arbitrator?" Then he said to the crowd, “Take care to guard against all greed, for though one may be rich, one’s life does not consist of possessions.” Luke 12:13-15 As the current family guardian of these objects, your job is to tone down any greed concerning who gets them. Whatever you do, do not stir that up and do not encourage it in anyone. The Lord does not get cranked up about this sort of thing, and those who do are not deserving of encouragement in that direction, but rather in the opposite direction.

That you for that. Part of the reason I’m stressing about this is because I feel like I have one shot at getting this right. I already got a taste of what it would be like if I don’t.

Still, of course you want to be a good steward, and that is a praiseworthy thing. You may find it the easiest to make an inventory of those items you consider heirlooms and make an addendum to your will concerning who gets them, but specifying that the items are not to be offered for sale unless every family member you have listed has decided not to take them. You do not need to disclose what items are on the list or who gets what to anyone but your executor. Do your executor a favor, though, and specify what order your relatives have right of refusal. Don’t dump any decisions on his or her lap. You may direct your executor to go ahead and distribute these items if you become incompetent and cannot live anywhere that you can keep them safely. I would give the ring to a relative, for instance, if you are put into a care facility permanently, because those things have a way of evaporating when there is no spouse or child of the patient visiting on a regular basis to watch for whether they are still there.

This is very similar to what I was considering doing; good to know I’m on the right track.

If your relatives don’t like your choices after you’re dead, oh well. The chances are that you will outlive everyone who wants these things, so do not lose a lot of sleep over this. I don’t know if they’ll change their minds in twenty years, but right now most people between 15 and 35 has no interest in owning objects that were owned by their ancestors but have no direct connection with them. It is certainly OK to ask your relatives to let you know if there is anything you have, inherited or not, that they would like when you are done with it, so you can keep this in mind for the directions you are making in case you are incapacitated. Make it clear that those directions are going to remain absolutely private, however, excepting that your family will be told who is in line to be your executor or executors when the time comes. (I would not make that person a family member or anyone who will care if the family throws a tiff.)

Excellent idea.

The last thing: If you have a sentimental attachment to an item, realize you may be the last person who ever does. Do not keep it stowed away for someone else to use. Your use of it will make it more of an heirloom, not less. If it breaks, it breaks. It wasn’t purchased to be made into a museum piece.

I agree. That’s why I want to purpose some things. They are beautiful pieces, some that I grew up seeing used by my mom and grandma, but I don’t entertain the way they do. If I can use them I want them around; the rest I’d like to find a home for so someone can enjoy them now. That may not work here.

Oh, and on the inventory it would be charming if you included any stories that go with the objects. Your relatives may sell the objects and yet keep and treasure the stories. We love to hear little tidbits about our ancestors(…)This is also information that could be of great interest later, but impossible to obtain if you do not provide it before you die.

I hope I get to share some of this with cousins and other relatives. I think collectively we might be able to piece more together.

Thanks, Easter Joy.

 

[Xantippe]

About a year ago, got a couple shipments from my grandma and grandpa of paintings and prints from their house. They asked if I wanted the stuff in advance and I said YES (with some noises about “Have you asked Sis and Cousin So-and-So yet?” and very soon, the stuff had arrived. The big painting hangs above my fireplace just like it used to hang above grandma’s fireplace and the miniatures are in my kitchen, just like they used to be in my grandma’s kitchen.

I didn’t ask grandma and grandpa what that was all about, but I suspect they are trying to get things all nicely settled before they go to their reward. They also remodeled their kitchen and planted new fruit trees in the last few years.

Many years previously, my husband and I visited his grandma in the old country. My husband’s grandma tried in vain to press a bunch of china and crystal on us. She’d apparently been saving it up in the hope of passing it down the family and my husband and his teenage sister were her only grandchildren. Problem was 1) husband and I were totally indifferent to the stuff and 2) we were traipsing across Central Europe by train, so a bunch of china and crystal was very low on our list of priorities. I probably would have made a little more of an effort now (as I’ve grown into caring about that sort of thing) but when I was a early 20-something bride five moves away from home ownership and living in a one-bedroom apartment, it was not my thing at all. We did gratefully accept a couple of books.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Put the photos out where you can see them. What other people here say is correct - younger folks don’t care about the stuff that other people owned because they want to choose their own stuff. Ask yourself if you really want the items you inherited or are you just keeping them because they belonged in the family and would feel guilty getting rid of them. When the last of my parents died, I shipped several boxes of stuff back to where I lived. I have not used hardly any of those things and so they still sit in boxes 11 years later. Thankfully, my sister is the official keeper of the family photos so I don’t have many of those. But do I really need the old glass candy dish that sat on my grandmother’s coffee table? No and I probably will get rid of it at some point. I have some of my grandmother’s china too. Yes it’s pretty but it can’t be put in the dishwasher. There are few collectible items but not many.
I wouldn’t worry about what your relatives expect. Do what you think is best with the items.

Yup, I want it. I’d rather have something that belonged to family that is in rough but usable condition than new stuff. It has character. I don’t understand enough about antiques to get excited about antiques but I like when items have a story.

I’ll probably toss this candy dish that came out for the holidays. It’s really cool looking with spiky edges but some of the spikes broke (like decades ago) so it doesn’t look right and is kind of dangerous now.

It’s hard not to worry about what they think when these people are my only family. There are many people on this board who would say that my relative are my only family and my friends who are like family are only friends. Thoughts like that get stuck in my brain and when I try to process all of this I keep running into those thoughts and have to strike them down every time.

Also, I know that how my cousins think about things might be odd, but they think it’s right. I’ll give an example: The great-aunt (the one whose wedding ring I now have) lived at a nursing home and they had activities for the residents. One was painting statues including Nativity sets. My mom got a set and so did one of my cousins. What did my cousin do with the Nativity set she was given? She gave each of her siblings a piece or two from the set. Our great-aunt was disappointed and confused as was my mom and I. I think I know why she did it: because it was “fair” and she was “sharing.” There were five kids in that family and I’m an only but I still think the same way. I think that notion is just a thing in my family and it is deeply rooted. Which is why all this has been driving me crazy.:hypno: I have issues. Let me show you them. :whacky:

Thanks for your thoughts on this.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

About a year ago, got a couple shipments from my grandma and grandpa of paintings and prints from their house. They asked if I wanted the stuff in advance and I said YES (with some noises about “Have you asked Sis and Cousin So-and-So yet?” and very soon, the stuff had arrived. The big painting hangs above my fireplace just like it used to hang above grandma’s fireplace and the miniatures are in my kitchen, just like they used to be in my grandma’s kitchen.

I didn’t ask grandma and grandpa what that was all about, but I suspect they are trying to get things all nicely settled before they go to their reward. They also remodeled their kitchen and planted new fruit trees in the last few years.

Many years previously, my husband and I visited his grandma in the old country. My husband’s grandma tried in vain to press a bunch of china and crystal on us. She’d apparently been saving it up in the hope of passing it down the family and my husband and his teenage sister were her only grandchildren. Problem was 1) husband and I were totally indifferent to the stuff and 2) we were traipsing across Central Europe by train, so a bunch of china and crystal was very low on our list of priorities. I probably would have made a little more of an effort now (as I’ve grown into caring about that sort of thing) but when I was a early 20-something bride five moves away from home ownership and living in a one-bedroom apartment, it was not my thing at all. We did gratefully accept a couple of books.

I know that it’s my cousins’ kids who will ultimately enjoy/get stuck with these things. Most of my cousins would be more than happy to get heirlooms but their kids? Not so much, which is good because there isn’t enough to go around. Cousins, yes. Cousins once removed, not so much.

 

[CB_Catholic]

I am executor of my parents’ trust. I have one brother who has 4 children and I have 2 children of my own. When my parents pass I have decided to sit down with my brother and discuss what I think is a fair plan. We will each take what we want, and then call the kids together. From oldest to youngest they can each pick an item they want and it will go around until they have all they want, and the rest will go up for auction, and I might even put the house and land up, the proceeds of which will be split between my brother and I. If you start arguing about things you lose your turn. If you don’t like it, you can leave. I am not going to be a referee.

I have not said anything about this to my mother, as she is a hoarder, and thinks everything should be kept. She has way too much furniture and inherited stuff in her house, most of which is not worth anything, but won’t part with anything. So I am going to have to deal with it, and this is the smoothest way I can think of.