Hello darkness my old friend

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Norm640

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Anyone else feel so lonely they could end his life? I’m like this all the time, and I’m pretty sure it is something I’ll never be able to get rid of. At 38 I just feel like it is all over. I’ve gone as far as I can with my life. I’m at a dead end. I need a financial miracle, but even if I had one it wouldn’t solve my terminal loneliness. I go to the gym and see young women and wonder what it must have been like to have been that age and not been so shy that I could have talked to her. Everyone I see has someone in his or her life…and when I try I fail miserably…most women my age are married…those that aren’t just want me to be a father to their children, and those younger than me think I’m gramps.

I don’t know why God decreed that I would accomplish nothing in my life, or why He gave me OCD, or why He created someone who yearns to be with a woman but can’t get one. Don’t understand it. I don’t understand why I’ve become what I’ve become.

Or why I continue to get up at all…this is why hope can be torture…we hope despite rational thought…
 
I have lived most of my life in the shadow also.
When you step into the light and stop caring what anyone thinks but God.
You will be amazed at the change in other peoples perceptions.
Just try it.
Praying

Nazgul
 
I don’t know what God thinks. And He isn’t keen on being direct. I know what you’re trying to say. I feel like this loneliness is killing me…I hate this. But thank you.
 
Do you have any relatives? I’m sure they’d be willing to help. And if you have married siblings, you might try to focus on being an amazing uncle to any nieces or nephews. I’m sure your life isn’t all misery. I’m sure there’s something you keep getting up for. 🙂
 
Thanks for reaching out. The problem with the ‘O’ part of OCD is that it tends to repeat some pretty negative things in your head. If you realize this and “pay no attention to the little man in the booth” and start repeating some good things about yourself (even if you can’t think of any, ask someone you know and write it down.) you will have begun to undo this illusion that you are worthless or “why bother?” or “nothing good ever happens to me”.

Pray that you can quiet these destructive repetitions. And if you cannot quiet them at once, then at least give equal time to some ideas that will begin to expand your world, not minimize it.

For starters:
" I may be a bit dark at times but I have a good sense of reality".
“I am better at 38 than many men are at 25”
“Some men mature early, some later…so what?”
." I may not have it all, but I do have it together. in a few good ways."
" It may have taken me a while to put myself together but 38 is not a bad age for a man to start to do it."

Then you can move on to the: “I’m a damn good man!”

I know this sounds kind of stupid but if you think of how many years your brain has been brainwashing you with negativity, don’t you think NOW is a good time to start to de-program. Shy or not, you just have to say something good about yourself and start to let your spirit shine bright.

The old stuff is just like a hamster on his wheel. Write the positive stuff down and read it ten times a day. Pray to God that you can receive the grace to feel peace about your life, You are His creation. Pray for a glimmer of light to spark others’ hearts. Just a spark. You don’t need an extreme makeover, just a balance of light and dark. The greatest people have always had this struggle. Make friends with the light, too.

And please talk about this with a doctor or therapist, just for safety. God bless you.
 
Just my opinion norm640 but I doubt you would find happiness in the things you are seeking. Financial success? What will that do for you? Women at the gym? What about women at church? Have you involved yourself in church activities to see if you can meet someone there? There is always something happening at my parish - I could be there 24/7 if I wanted. Does your parish have perpetual adoration? If so get involved. Hit the spiritual gym and build up what’s important to God. The things of this world do not bring real lasting joy.

God bless
 
Hail Mary,
Full of grace,
The Lord is with Thee.
Blessed art Thou amoungst women,
And blessed is the fruit of Thy womb,
Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners,
Now and at the hour of death,
Amen
 
I’m praying …

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen
 
:gopray:

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

Glory Be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the beginning is now ever shall be world without end
Amen.

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy, hear and answer me. Amen

:signofcross:
 
Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†
 
Eternal God , in whom mercy is endless,
and the treasury of compassion inexhastible ,
look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us ,
that in difficult moments we might not despair
nor become despondent , but with great confidence ,
submit ourselves to Your Holy Will ,
which is love and mercy itself . Amen

Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
 
Mr. Clean. I don’t want money for comfort, I want it because we desperately need it. It wouldn’t make me happy, I know that. But it would bring me, and most especially my family, peace of mind.

Finally, there are no girls at my church. Why? Because I live in a college town. 25,000 people, 20,000 of them are students. I’m 38. There are no single women my age in town, let alone my church.

What would make me happy is what I’ve consistently wanted- the love of a good woman. I am very lonely. I dated a girl 50 miles away from me from August- October, she dumped me because she wanted to “date other men”. And I felt such a connection with her, it devastated me.

So Mr. Clean, I encourage you to read my posts more clearly. The reason I mentioned girls at the gym is because that is where I usually see single women…and I distinctly mentioned how I wish I were younger.

When I was their age I was too busy trying not to blow my head off because of my OCD to focus on women.

So you know, I actually know what would make me happy. In fact, so desperate was I for companionship that I flew to Mexico five times over 2 years to “date” a girl I met on a Catholic dating site. I am trying hard to look on the bright side and be open to love- anywhere. I’ve done my part.
Mr_Clean said:
Just my opinion norm640 but I doubt you would find happiness in the things you are seeking. Financial success? What will that do for you? Women at the gym? What about women at church? Have you involved yourself in church activities to see if you can meet someone there? There is always something happening at my parish - I could be there 24/7 if I wanted. Does your parish have perpetual adoration? If so get involved. Hit the spiritual gym and build up what’s important to God. The things of this world do not bring real lasting joy.

God bless
Click to expand...
 
Norm, I am assuming that you are not currently on medication. You may have OCD, but you are in the midst of a depression, my friend. Get yourself to a psychiatrist, pronto. After a couple of weeks on meds, you will feel the black cloud lift. I know whereof I speak, Norm. I’m bipolar. Please make a resolution to see a doc in the new year, ok? :sad_yes:

In the meantime, you are in my prayers.
 
Praying that the Lord may strengthen you and grant you guidance for your situation.

O Blood and Water, which gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus as a fountain of Mercy for us, I trust in You!
 
Eternal God , in whom mercy is endless,
and the treasury of compassion inexhastible ,
look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us ,
that in difficult moments we might not despair
nor become despondent , but with great confidence ,
submit ourselves to Your Holy Will ,
which is love and mercy itself . Amen

Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
 
:gopray:

Our Father, Who art in heaven
Hallowed be Your Name
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For Thine is the Kingdom
and the Power
and the Glory for ever and ever.
Amen
~
O my God, leaning on your great power and your promises, I hope with a firm reliance obtain forgiveness of my sins, the help of Thy grace and eternal life, through the merits of Jesus Christ my Savior.
Amen
~
Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us, that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent, but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will, which is Love and Mercy itself.
Amen

:signofcross:
 
Prayer against Depression - by Saint Ignatius of Loyola

“O Christ Jesus,
when all is darkness
and we feel our weakness and helplessness,
give us the sense of Your presence,
Your love, and Your strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
in Your protecting love
and strengthening power,
so that nothing may frighten or worry us,
for, living close to You,
we shall see Your hand,
Your purpose, Your will through all things.”

Thus I pray for you. Amen.
 
Norm640 said:
Anyone else feel so lonely they could end his life? I’m like this all the time, and I’m pretty sure it is something I’ll never be able to get rid of. At 38 I just feel like it is all over. I’ve gone as far as I can with my life. I’m at a dead end. (snip)
Or why I continue to get up at all…this is why hope can be torture…we hope despite rational thought…
Click to expand...
I spent about twenty-five years in that state of mind. For me, relationships did not solve the problem. Far from it. With ‘acting happy’, I found good, upbeat people whom I proceeded to suck the life out of each one by my endless pit of need, darkness and cynacism that wouldn’t stay buried. (Of course, I couldn’t see it at the time…I blamed them for no longer being the fun person I first met. Heh.) And don’t be too hard on those who run from our inability to cover up our condition adequately - some can see though us…and run.

The ‘high’ of a new relationship only masked the underlying mess; it didn’t cure it. I eventually came to a place in my life where I was tired of doing the same thing over and over and getting the same result. Instead of looking for something/someone outside of myself to fix me, I chose to work on me. My goal was that my next relationship would begin from a place of fullness to overflowing, and a desire to share - not from a place of lack and ungodly craving that I expected someone else to satisfy.

One very helpful trove of articles that I found in the beginning of my journey was:

“Loneliness of Spirit: Deeper than the Reach of Love”

tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/P-LONE.html

I found *mind tools * for the ‘way out’ of depression, initially, in AA. One doesn’t need to be an alcoholic to benefit from the wisdom of the 12x12 (12 Steps and 12 Traditions - but skip the Trads). And whenever it reads “AA”, stick in CC (Christian Crisis, or some such) and where it says ‘alcoholic’, put in your dilemma such as OCD … the core problem is the same no matter what ‘outside’ name we give it - spiritual deficiency.

One of the amazing insights I had early on was that depressed people are actually quite right - this world IS as black and twisted as we see it. Some of us didn’t come genetically programmed for the rose-colored glasses. However, that isn’t the end of the story, just a great place to begin to discover the amazing Power of Grace when we begin looking for a way out rather than justifying staying in the darkness of despair.
 
I learned that workaholics aren’t ‘better than’ (I used to think so when I was one). Fear of facing the reality of a grossly imperfect world keeps many people working 16 hrs a day. Countless men get sick or die soon after retiring because ‘the slack runs in’ - the bottomless ‘void’ appears.

Fear of facing the emotion of boredom and the underlying thoughts that would come bubbling up keeps many people immersed in ‘busy-ness’. A mother who spend her whole life wrapped around raising several children - suddenly has ‘empty nest’ syndrome. The spiritual void we all are born with and spend our lives trying to escape…comes to call.

Worldly solutions will never be the answer - only avoidance strategies. Endless ‘higher learning’ is another common ‘filler’. And there are many more false wiles that divert us from truly discovering the meaning and purpose of life - to Know, beyond doubt, the Holy Spirit is within. (1 Cor 12:3).

I found “Know Thyself” to be an incredible adventure once I caught on to watching emotions and the underlying wrong thinking that triggered them.

Don’t give up. Feed Hope. It is not too late.

Luke 13:6-9 (KJV)

6 He spake also this parable; A certain man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard; and he came and sought fruit thereon, and found none. 7 Then said he unto the dresser of his vineyard, Behold, these three years I come seeking fruit on this fig tree, and find none: cut it down; why cumbereth it the ground? 8 And he answering said unto him, Lord, let it alone this year also, till I shall dig about it, and dung it: 9 And if it bear fruit, well: and if not, then after that thou shalt cut it down.

For me, this parable speaks to how we don’t seek the Lord while we are full of energy for the world and its promises in our 20s and 30s. It is only when the realization sets in that the world and relationships can’t truly satisfy that ‘deeper hunger’ that we begin to seek elsewhere.

Heart hugs and best wishes,

from one who once was where you are now.

P.S. Watch for ‘synchronicity’…when I began heading in the right direction, there was ‘help’ even though I didn’t know what or who it was for a long time.
 
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