I
iang
Guest
I’ve been hanging around here for a couple of days and thought it was about time to introduce myself and my problem. Moderators, feel free to move this to a different forum if you feel that is appropriate. Although I’m English, I now live and work in beautiful Sweden (why is a long story which I might go into another time).
I was born into a secular Jewish household 47 years ago in London. I did all the normal things a Jewish boy did but I must admit that it was more because my parents made me do it rather than wanting to or even believing in the mumbo jumbo. By the time I was 15 I was a strong atheist and remained so for the next 15 years (during which period I met and fell in love the woman I was to marry and am proud to say that we are still going strong 25 years later).
I was 30 and living in Aberdeen, Scotland at the time. As I said earlier, I was an atheist and had been for many years. I hadn’t been thinking about God or suffering from doubts, anxiety or anything. I was happy. One night we (my wife and I) watched an Everyman programme on TV (for the majority here who are not British, Everyman was a weekly magazine programme that took an in-depth look at spiritual and philosophical issues). It was about Medjugorje. During the programme (and this is difficult to put into words) I somehow became convinced that what I was watching was true and that the Christian God was real. No visions; no voices; no signs; no wonders: Just an almost inexpressible feeling that this was it; that I had had an encounter with the living God. And so my new life as a Christian started. For the past 17 years I’ve been an on and off Christian, experimenting with just about every denomination you can name and many other faiths (especially Buddhism) as well. At some point a long the way I became a Catholic.
I won’t bore you with all the details of what followed except that 6 years after my experience I suffered what we thought at the time was a simple stress induced breakdown. After spending several weeks in hospital I was diagnosed as suffering from bi-polar disorder 2. If you don’t know this means I tend to cycle from depression to mania (hence the old name of manic-depression) but tending to stay in the depressive part of the cycle most of the time. And of course we’re not talking about ordinary mood swings but what can be life-threatening depressions if not caught in time and treated. I don’t take any medications now except when I feel the need or my wife notices a change in my behaviour.
Why am I telling you this? Well, one of the many symptoms of psychotic illnesses can be vivid religious experience. As a result of knowing this, I’ve found it impossible to be sure if my encounter was really with God or with the chemical imbalances of my own brain. And this is despite the fact that I wasn’t aware of having an illness at the time. In fact, I don’t even know if I was ill at the time. I’ve discussed this with my wife many times and we just don’t know, but it seems to be prudent for the sake of my health to assume the experience was not genuine. I say that because a religion has not made me happy. So I decided to abandon Christianity for good. I generally feel happier and healthier when I’m not seeking the answer to everything and just accepting life as it is from day to day, but I keep getting this nagging feeling of discomfort at the back of my mind that seems to force me to look again. And so I’m here. Believe it or not I found out about this place on Internet Infidels so if God is real, then his ways really are mysterious
I’m probably an uncommitted agnostic at the moment but if I can find a way back… Well, who knows, but it must be non-stressful. I would appreciate any comments you have to make, especially from anybody who has experience of mental health issues.
Ian
I was born into a secular Jewish household 47 years ago in London. I did all the normal things a Jewish boy did but I must admit that it was more because my parents made me do it rather than wanting to or even believing in the mumbo jumbo. By the time I was 15 I was a strong atheist and remained so for the next 15 years (during which period I met and fell in love the woman I was to marry and am proud to say that we are still going strong 25 years later).
I was 30 and living in Aberdeen, Scotland at the time. As I said earlier, I was an atheist and had been for many years. I hadn’t been thinking about God or suffering from doubts, anxiety or anything. I was happy. One night we (my wife and I) watched an Everyman programme on TV (for the majority here who are not British, Everyman was a weekly magazine programme that took an in-depth look at spiritual and philosophical issues). It was about Medjugorje. During the programme (and this is difficult to put into words) I somehow became convinced that what I was watching was true and that the Christian God was real. No visions; no voices; no signs; no wonders: Just an almost inexpressible feeling that this was it; that I had had an encounter with the living God. And so my new life as a Christian started. For the past 17 years I’ve been an on and off Christian, experimenting with just about every denomination you can name and many other faiths (especially Buddhism) as well. At some point a long the way I became a Catholic.
I won’t bore you with all the details of what followed except that 6 years after my experience I suffered what we thought at the time was a simple stress induced breakdown. After spending several weeks in hospital I was diagnosed as suffering from bi-polar disorder 2. If you don’t know this means I tend to cycle from depression to mania (hence the old name of manic-depression) but tending to stay in the depressive part of the cycle most of the time. And of course we’re not talking about ordinary mood swings but what can be life-threatening depressions if not caught in time and treated. I don’t take any medications now except when I feel the need or my wife notices a change in my behaviour.
Why am I telling you this? Well, one of the many symptoms of psychotic illnesses can be vivid religious experience. As a result of knowing this, I’ve found it impossible to be sure if my encounter was really with God or with the chemical imbalances of my own brain. And this is despite the fact that I wasn’t aware of having an illness at the time. In fact, I don’t even know if I was ill at the time. I’ve discussed this with my wife many times and we just don’t know, but it seems to be prudent for the sake of my health to assume the experience was not genuine. I say that because a religion has not made me happy. So I decided to abandon Christianity for good. I generally feel happier and healthier when I’m not seeking the answer to everything and just accepting life as it is from day to day, but I keep getting this nagging feeling of discomfort at the back of my mind that seems to force me to look again. And so I’m here. Believe it or not I found out about this place on Internet Infidels so if God is real, then his ways really are mysterious
I’m probably an uncommitted agnostic at the moment but if I can find a way back… Well, who knows, but it must be non-stressful. I would appreciate any comments you have to make, especially from anybody who has experience of mental health issues.
Ian