Help...17 Y.O. doesn't want to go to church/confirmation

[Love2beCatholic]

As of last week my son told me he doesn’t want to go to church and adds he will get confirmed if I want him to, but he doesn’t feel strongly about doing that either. His reason (after a some thought and his telling me he doesn’t want to offend me) was, it’s not for him.

I am going through a divorce (I separated two years ago and husband initiated the divorce) as my husband of 27 years is dealing with alcohol addiction and denial). My husband stopped going to church about 25 years ago. My son is the youngest of 3 children, went to Catholic school through 7th grade and has been going to weekly mass all of his life. I’d appreciate advice on how you would handle this.

 

[devoutchristian]

You should still take him to church, however confirmation is his choice.

 

[ChurchSoldier]

17 years old boys are supposed to be a little rebellious. With a father who did not attend and the culture of the public school system it is little surprise he does not think it is for him. Here is a place that might help you though.

Good luck. You will be in my prayers.

 

[jeannetherese]

Going to Mass while living at home is like eating and sleeping-a normal part of life.
It is wonderful that he is open to your encouragement to be confirmed. You might prayerfully send him of to confirmation class, trusting his restless heart to Our Lord. the graces obtained through the sacrament could be most helpful to him.
May God bless you both. Amen.

 

[SonSearcher]

As of last week my son told me he doesn’t want to go to church and adds he will get confirmed if I want him to, but he doesn’t feel strongly about doing that either. His reason (after a some thought and his telling me he doesn’t want to offend me) was, it’s not for him.

I am going through a divorce (I separated two years ago and husband initiated the divorce) as my husband of 27 years is dealing with alcohol addiction and denial). My husband stopped going to church about 25 years ago. My son is the youngest of 3 children, went to Catholic school through 7th grade and has been going to weekly mass all of his life. I’d appreciate advice on how you would handle this.

I am a youth volunteer at my parish for older children. Co-ed stuff. We just had our Confirmation retreat this weekend. It was exhausting. But totally worth it.

I would like to put you at ease with a few thoughts.

1. This is very common and sometimes points to an immaturity that signals to us the child is not ready to be confirmed. But in this case your son is 17. He is certainly old enough. To be honest probably not even 5% of youths confirmation age want anything to do with the Church at all. I would say that our enemy has a good hook in your son somewhere and is exploiting that to cloud his reasoning of God. Pray to St. Michael, Mary, and of course God. They will handle it.
2. I walked away from the Church (aka the Truth) before I was confirmed. My parents let me choose. I am 32 years old and after over a dozen years living in the world I am back with Jesus. I was finally confirmed 2 years ago. hang in there.
3. Confirmation is not a “volunteer” sacrament. God will show up regardless of his own mindset. So if he is willing to do it for you, tell him you want it for him. If my parents had done that for me I can’t say I would have done things differently but by asking him to do it, you his mother… are modeling what is proper and you model your trust in Jesus and His Church. You cannot receive the sacrament of confirmation unworthily like you may the Eucharist. It is a sealing of His baptismal promises.

My prayers are with you…

Pray, Hope, Don’t Worry - P. Pio

Patience is a virtue.****

 

[SonSearcher]

You should still take him to church, however confirmation is his choice.

Nope. Take Him to Church. Confirmation is not his choice. He is still under the guidance of Parents and God Parents. Unfortunately if left to their own decision most youth will choose to not attend Church and not choose confirmation.

 

[ChurchSoldier]

Nope. Take Him to Church. Confirmation is not his choice. He is still under the guidance of Parents and God Parents. Unfortunately if left to their own decision most youth will choose to not attend Church and not choose confirmation.

Um…the whole point of Confirmation is that the person, who is now of the age of reason, is “confirming” the promises made “for” him at his Baptism. A sacrament is an “outward and visible sign of an internal grace”. Forcing confirmation of someone of age is like forcing Baptism (of someone of age). Is doesn’t work, the inward grace has not happened, so the outward appearance is of no consequence.

Just thought you’d want to know.

 

[devoutchristian]

You cannot receive the sacrament of confirmation unworthily like you may the Eucharist.

Actually this Is incorrect, the grace of confirmation will be ineffective if one receives the sacrament while in mortal sin (until one returns to the state of grace, of course).

Nope. Take Him to Church. Confirmation is not his choice. He is still under the guidance of Parents and God Parents. Unfortunately if left to their own decision most youth will choose to not attend Church and not choose confirmation.

You’re wrong.

 

[SonSearcher]

Um…the whole point of Confirmation is that the person, who is now of the age of reason, is “confirming” the promises made “for” him at his Baptism. A sacrament is an “outward and visible sign of an internal grace”. Forcing confirmation of someone of age is like forcing Baptism. Is doesn’t work, the inward grace has not happened, so the outward appearance is of no consequence.

Just thought you’d want to know.

The Catechism states we don’t require Confirmation for salvation. So regardless it is not a “required” sacrament. I don’t mean to argue, but if the child is floundering in Faith there is no reason we should not wait. We should as the parent model what is correct. We should show our trust.

By the way.

The past order of reception was “baptism, confirmation, Eucharist” until Pope Pius X decreed that first confession should precede first communion and that confirmation should be celebrated at a later age.

So for nearly 2000 years the age of reason was around 7.

Just thought you’d like to know.

 

[SonSearcher]

Actually this Is incorrect, the grace of confirmation will be ineffective if one receives the sacrament while in mortal sin (until one returns to the state of grace, of course).

But when you receive the Eucharist you bring judgment upon yourself if you do so unworthily.So you are saying if you are confirmed in the state of Mortal sin you will bring judgment upon yourself in the same way?

 

[7armyrugrats]

In many places, confirmation takes place the same time as baptism or soon afterwards. For instance, my husband was baptized at two days old and confirmed when he was 3. In the US, we confirm later, but this is not because we “confirm” that we are Catholic. Confirmation is when we are sealed with the Holy Spirit. That being said, since we do Confirm in the teen years, I do think they need to make the decision for themselves.

I chose not to be Confirmed as a teen. I did, however, continue attending Mass. When I had children I baptized them, I married in the Church, and eventually attended RCIA and was Confirmed as an adult. If my son or daughter didn’t want to be Confirmed at 17, I would not try to force them. I would try to find out their reasons and try to convince them, but the decision is ultimately theirs. Many priests and bishops won’t confirm unless it is the teens desire, and unless the teen is properly prepared and fully believes. It is not the parents or godparents decision at that point. My child would, though, be required attend Mass as long as they live in my home. That is a non-negotiable.

You have planted the seeds of faith in your children. Continue to shower them with love and truth so they will grow. Pray to your children’s Guardian Angels. Let God call your son in His time. You have my prayers

 

[KCT]

Um…the whole point of Confirmation is that the person, who is now of the age of reason, is “confirming” the promises made “for” him at his Baptism.

It’s the completion of baptismal grace.

Yes, the candidate has to freely choose to attend classes, but it’s not us ‘confirming our faith’. It’s the Holy Spirit imparting grace.

 

[devoutchristian]

So for nearly 2000 years the age of reason was around 7.

It still is.

But when you receive the Eucharist you bring judgment upon yourself if you do so unworthily.So you are saying if you are confirmed in the state of Mortal sin you will bring judgment upon yourself in the same way?

Not the exact same way, although one should not recieve confirmation while in mortal sin.

 

[SonSearcher]

It still is.

Not the exact same way, although one should not recieve confirmation while in mortal sin.

Of course I agree. But after spending the last two years working with the youth being confirmed at my parish roughly 30 -40 per year I found that the kids coming through mostly do not want to be there. They are there for their parents.

They do it because their parents want them to. It does not make their confirmation invalid.

But their parents “forcing” them to go through with it is a witness to the Truth of Catholicism.

The child can receive communion at 7, age of reason, how can they possible understand it? They go through it for their parents. God shows up.
Why should we treat them differently 7 years later and let them decide what is best for them?

 

[ChurchSoldier]

The Catechism states we don’t require Confirmation for salvation. So regardless it is not a “required” sacrament. I don’t mean to argue, but if the child is floundering in Faith there is no reason we should not wait. We should as the parent model what is correct. We should show our trust.

By the way.

The past order of reception was “baptism, confirmation, Eucharist” until Pope Pius X decreed that first confession should precede first communion and that confirmation should be celebrated at a later age.

So for nearly 2000 years the age of reason was around 7.

Just thought you’d like to know.

Let me start by saying I’m glad you are active in your faith and came back to the Lord (and Church). I think what you stated above (in bold now) is one of the easiest things to do and most detrimental to the faith, both individually and collectively. It’s why we have generations of people who have been through 12 years of Catholic School thinking they have a formed theological belief system and living just like the rest of the world.

We don’t form the faith or educate people in the faith, we indoctrinate them! We think if we can just force them through and make them say yes to a few questions they’ll check the box and be in. It doesn’t work that way.

Please, everyone here read the Gospel according to John Chapter 3. Here is a link to the RSV-CE. Here’s just one section: 17 For God sent the Son into the world, not to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him. 18 **He who believes in him is not condemned; he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. **19 And this is the judgment, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. 20 For every one who does evil hates the light, and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. 21 But he who does what is true comes to the light, that it may be clearly seen that his deeds have been wrought in God.

See, just “saying the words” does not work. The words we say need to be a reflection of the faith which is in us. Not only is dragging a child to confirmation not beneficial to the child, it is heaping coals upon the head of the one who presents them knowingly believing they do not believe the words they are about to speak. We have to live the faith in such a way the internal belief is reflected outwardly. The problem is most Catholics believe if they participate in a few sacramental activities they’re good - but that isn’t what God revealed to us (read vs 36 for clarification). Sorry to be so expressive and emotional, but this is important stuff for the salvation of souls.

So I commend you for teaching the faith to youth, but encourage you to continue your own formation.

PAX

 

[devoutchristian]

The child can receive communion at 7, age of reason, how can they possible understand it? They go through it for their parents. God shows up.
Why should we treat them differently 7 years later and let them decide what is best for them?

Children can’t be forced to recieve communion if they refuse.

 

[SonSearcher]

Let me start by saying I’m glad you are active in your faith and came back to the Lord (and Church). I think what you stated above (in bold now) is one of the easiest things to do and most detrimental to the faith, both individually and collectively. It’s why we have generations of people who have been through 18 years of Catholic School thinking they have a formed theological belief system and living just like the rest of the world.

We don’t form the faith or educate people in the faith, we indoctrinate them! We think if we can just force them through and make them say yes to a few questions they’ll check the box and be in. It doesn’t work that way.

Please, everyone here read the Gospel according to John Chapter 3. Here is a link to the RSV-CE. Here’s just one section: 17 For God sent the Son into the world, not to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him. 18 **He who believes in him is not condemned; he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. **19 And this is the judgment, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. 20 For every one who does evil hates the light, and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. 21 But he who does what is true comes to the light, that it may be clearly seen that his deeds have been wrought in God.

See, just “saying the words” does not work. The words we say need to be a reflection of the faith which is in us. Not only is dragging a child to confirmation not beneficial to the child, it is heaping coals upon the head of the one who presents them knowingly believing they do not believe the words they are about to speak. We have to live the faith in such a way the internal belief is reflected outwardly. The problem is most Catholics believe if they participate in a few sacramental activities they’re good - but that isn’t what God revealed to us (read vs 36 for clarification). Sorry to be so expressive and emotional, but this is important stuff for the salvation of souls.

So I commend you for teaching the faith to youth, but encourage you to continue your own formation.

PAX

First the OP stated her son is willing to go through it for her. I think we shouldn’t call that “forcing” him

Second I completely agree with this “salvation” of souls stuff. That is the point of this world to make it to the next. But Confirmation is not required for salvation.

Baptism and repentance are. But we give the sacrament of baptism mainly as babies or children at the request of the parents. Same as Confession. We witness for them. We as the community make sure they do it. Regardless if they understand fully what they are doing. If we waited for these teens to make up their own mind we are putting them in a dangerous position. The enemy is vastly more intellectual than we are. What if Satan is working in them already. They are spiraling downward into despair. In Mortal sin, receiving the Eucharist every Sunday. The parent “forces” them through confirmation. How is it the forcing of confirmation the thing that makes these Christians lax in their adult faith life?

I say that the problem is much larger than “forcing” confirmation on teens. It is a fundamental break down of the family, and faith life. It is much more involved than just “forcing” this sacrament on these guys and gals.

 

[SonSearcher]

Children can’t be forced to recieve communion if they refuse.

How many 7 year olds refuse?

 

[KCT]

As of last week my son told me he doesn’t want to go to church and adds he will get confirmed if I want him to, but he doesn’t feel strongly about doing that either. His reason (after a some thought and his telling me he doesn’t want to offend me) was, it’s not for him.

God bless him for being willing to do it for you. Perhaps he can go through the classes, retreats, etc then make a decision.

Sadly, I think people just don’t understand how much we need God’s grace in the sacraments.

 

[devoutchristian]

How many 7 year olds refuse?

Very few if any. However the number isn’t the point, the point is that people who have the use of reason cannot be forced to recieve sacraments.