Help! A guy asked me out and I do not know what to do

[redbetta]

I am 17 and I have been asked out for the first time in my life today. A little background on me: I go to an all girls high school and I do not know much about relationships and boys. I have two men in my lives: my brother and dad for the most part and my dad is no really affectionate toward my mom, so I doubt that they love each other at times. They seem like room mates I am also shy and avoid socializing. In fact, I have only gone out with classmates only a handful of times outside of school events: two birthday parties and a movie last week after my mom had urged me to get out of the house. I find a lot of my peers genuinely boring, but those that I do like, I do not know what to do or talk about. People always suggest movies or food related ideas for socializing, but that is not that enjoyable to me. I do not consume a lot of popular media and I spend most of my days doing schoolwork and, in the summer, cycling and reading, mostly religious books or old books, particularly epic poems.

I have been thinking and have come to believe that my fate is to remain single. I do not look too great, so I figured no one will bother to ask me out and I do not have a good personality, so I crossed out religious life as a possibility because I would probably test the patience of even the sweetest fellow nun. I am pessimistic, quiet, and do not display a wide range of emotion or care too much about pathos in regards to anything. I am usually stoical or melancholy on neutral and that disposition covers up the occasional strange desire for creating unreasonable conflict that reason eventually subdues.

The boy who asked me out was working at organizing things for our parish rummage sale. I was organizing some books when he approached me and asked if I want to go out sometime, something along those lines and words. I have only seen him a couple of times at the rummage sale and the previous week at a soup kitchen. I was taken completely by surprise, and am not sure if the tension was visible by my body language. Although, I did feel a shock wave like the kind I feel after nearly getting hit by a car. I stuttered and mumbled, my eyes still on the books something along the lines of, “I do not know how to respond to that. Sorry, I’m shy.” It was no excuse, it was the honest truth and I hope I did not hurt any feelings.

I told my mom later that day and she got excited and told me to get back to him and accept the invitation. I asked the youth minister and he told me that he is either an incoming sophomore of junior in high school and I am a senior. And he also told me that he is a good kid, works hard at school, does youth group projects and when to CCD at our parish, and likes to talk. He also said that I should have no problem accepting the invitation the next day after I had just fumbled it.

I want to be brave, but I do not know how to approach him. I doubt myself all of the time and have even almost believed that this was an illusion and this is not the guy who asked me, but a look alike. However, the youth minister did affirm that he was the only high school boy there that morning, but I cannot shake the feeling that I would mention this to him and he would have no idea what I was talking about and that I have made a mistake and look like an idiot. Maybe I am just paranoid; I am the kind of person that is scared of driving because I doubt what I can plainly see in my rear view mirror and cannot switch lanes. Also, if I do not know what to do with my female classmates that I have known for three years, what can I do with a guy who I he seen a few times only recently. Plus, should I scrap the whole idea because I am not infatuated with him. I have only have had a few glances at him and all I can tell is that he is decent, but then again I have a small pool of comparison. Plus, I should not take too much stock in a teenager’s appearance since he is a work in progress. But, what am I suppose to do even if I do not screw the next encounter? How badly can I botch this up? It is not like he is in the “wrong crowd” or something, but I cannot help but feel as though something bad can happen.

Sorry for the really long post and any typos, I wrote this in a hurry and I need to go to sleep. I am just clueless and any help would be appreciated. Good night, I can clarify somethings tomorrow if need be.

 

[JamalChristophr]

Hi Red,

Wow…that was alot to read…(sorry I have ADD).

First of all, JP II’s motto was “Be not afraid!”

So I would say that to you, too. Don’t be worried about it. I’m a really shy person, too, though, but significantly older, so I know how you feel.

It wouldn’t hurt you to do something with him. Just be yourself. Say something like, “Would you still like to do something sometime?” I’m sure he would. And don’t be so negative about yourself! God made you as you are for a reason with a great many awesome qualities.

Say a prayer for courage when you feel scared, like to the Blessed Virgin or the Holy Spirit. (just a suggestion)

God Bless!

 

[SuperLuigi]

I have been thinking and have come to believe that my fate is to remain single. I do not look too great, so I figured no one will bother to ask me out and I do not have a good personality, so I crossed out religious life as a possibility because I would probably test the patience of even the sweetest fellow nun. I am pessimistic, quiet, and do not display a wide range of emotion or care too much about pathos in regards to anything. I am usually stoical or melancholy on neutral and that disposition covers up the occasional strange desire for creating unreasonable conflict that reason eventually subdues.

Being quiet is one thing, but feeling sorry for oneself a lot is quite another. Please reflect on this.

I know the personality type—quiet, stochial, unexpressive, kind of like “meh” a lot-- you are describing and I’ve gotten quiet women to open up to me.

But even with this, it’s important for people to know that you have feelings too. Keep that in mind. :yup:

I also have to tell you that if you’re depressed a lot, people, especially a guy who wants to get close to you in terms of discerning marriage, is going to pick up on it. Your closer friends probably will too and it is something that you need to address if you have depression, because it can really make social relationships a lot of work for people that they may not have the time or energy for. I don’t know if that’s the case with your or not, but it’s worthy advice for someone in such a situation regardless.

The boy who asked me out was working at organizing things for our parish rummage sale. I was organizing some books when he approached me and asked if I want to go out sometime, something along those lines and words. I have only seen him a couple of times at the rummage sale and the previous week at a soup kitchen. I was taken completely by surprise, and am not sure if the tension was visible by my body language. Although, I did feel a shock wave like the kind I feel after nearly getting hit by a car. I stuttered and mumbled, my eyes still on the books something along the lines of, “I do not know how to respond to that. Sorry, I’m shy.” It was no excuse, it was the honest truth and I hope I did not hurt any feelings.

You deserve :clapping: for honesty.

The one thing I would say is that romance can be risky in terms of feelings. Worrying about hurt feelings is natural, perhaps even more so for women, but feelings can and do get hurt and there’s not much stock in worrying about it.

I told my mom later that day and she got excited and told me to get back to him and accept the invitation. I asked the youth minister and he told me that he is either an incoming sophomore of junior in high school and I am a senior. And he also told me that he is a good kid, works hard at school, does youth group projects and when to CCD at our parish, and likes to talk. He also said that I should have no problem accepting the invitation the next day after I had just fumbled it.

I want to be brave, but I do not know how to approach him. I doubt myself all of the time and have even almost believed that this was an illusion and this is not the guy who asked me, but a look alike. However, the youth minister did affirm that he was the only high school boy there that morning, but I cannot shake the feeling that I would mention this to him and he would have no idea what I was talking about and that I have made a mistake and look like an idiot. Maybe I am just paranoid; I am the kind of person that is scared of driving because I doubt what I can plainly see in my rear view mirror and cannot switch lanes. Also, if I do not know what to do with my female classmates that I have known for three years, what can I do with a guy who I he seen a few times only recently. Plus, should I scrap the whole idea because I am not infatuated with him. I have only have had a few glances at him and all I can tell is that he is decent, but then again I have a small pool of comparison. Plus, I should not take too much stock in a teenager’s appearance since he is a work in progress. But, what am I suppose to do even if I do not screw the next encounter? How badly can I botch this up? It is not like he is in the “wrong crowd” or something, but I cannot help but feel as though something bad can happen.

Sorry for the really long post and any typos, I wrote this in a hurry and I need to go to sleep. I am just clueless and any help would be appreciated. Good night, I can clarify somethings tomorrow if need be.

This sort of lengthy reflect is not uncommon for someone your age; I don’t think you’re as different/out-there as you may think.

Just put yourself in his line of sight and see if he approaches you. Otherwise, go up to him, try to make eye contact and ask if that offer still stands. You’ll may need to initiate the subject and by all means do so. You were dead-set honest with him, but now the ball is your court.

If it doesn’t work, meh, no big deal. You move on.

As far as planning a date would go, that should be his move.

Also, please keep in mind that you are marrying this guy, so don’t stress over it so much.

Just go hang out and have a nice time.

 

[Rau]

I am 17 and I have been asked out for the first time in my life today…

… But, what am I supposed to do even if I do not screw the next encounter? How badly can I botch this up? It is not like he is in the “wrong crowd” or something, but I cannot help but feel as though something bad can happen.

Given your anxiety, I suggest you take small steps, and in a direction that doesn’t take you too far outside your experience or comfort zone. I assume you will see the guy again soon - perhaps you could suggest going for a coffee after [whatever you’re doing…]. That’s an outing of short timescale, in a public place with minimal expectations.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Given your anxiety, I suggest you take small steps, and in a direction that doesn’t take you too far outside your experience or comfort zone. I assume you will see the guy again soon - perhaps you could suggest going for a coffee after [whatever you’re doing…]. That’s an outing of short timescale, in a public place with minimal expectations.

Excellent advice!

 

[Petaro]

Firstly, he won’t bite your head off. Secondly, it may have been as hard for him to ask as it was for you to fumble the ball.
When you next see him, approach him, smile and say We have talked before, my name is… If you are still interested in a coffee, I know this great cafe at (the nearest shopping centre to you home or common territory.) Meet him there and see how it goes. Don’t worry about subject matter. Ask questions about him. Men love to talk about themselves. Refection conversations are good. You read that author too? I haven’t seen that movie, but have heard it was good. You play… You look like a footballer (golfer, tennis player etc).
Wow, I was just thinking about that the other day.
Question, find commonality of interests, stay away from epic poetry, and if you click wait for another invitation or exchange of numbers.

 

[MaryT777]

Hi Red,

Wow…that was alot to read…(sorry I have ADD).

First of all, JP II’s motto was “Be not afraid!”

So I would say that to you, too. Don’t be worried about it. I’m a really shy person, too, though, but significantly older, so I know how you feel.

It wouldn’t hurt you to do something with him. Just be yourself. Say something like, “Would you still like to do something sometime?” I’m sure he would. And don’t be so negative about yourself! God made you as you are for a reason with a great many awesome qualities.

Say a prayer for courage when you feel scared, like to the Blessed Virgin or the Holy Spirit. (just a suggestion)

God Bless!

This is excellent advice and I think it would be perfect to ask if is the offer still stands or some wording like above.
I hope it works out and good luck,
Mary.

 

[SpidersfromMars]

Also, please keep in mind that you are marrying this guy, so don’t stress over it so much.

I assume you meant to say NOT marrying

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Betta,

You seem like a nice young lady, being shy is not a crime – some find it adorable. You do not need to be brave, you just need to be yourself. You do not need to worry or be afraid, you can go out with him, even if is just a walk through a park or going to Church together – talking before and after. All relationships should start out as friendships. And I can promise you this, the more time you spend with him (or any other boy that ask you out) the more confident and relaxed you will become. You do not need to pretend to be anything that you are not.

I pray that God guides you, trust in Him and you will do fine.

Winter

 

[Lily235]

It sounds to me like you are interested in accepting his invitation; but also extremely anxious about it. That is totally normal for a first ever date.

It also sounds like he has been vouched for quite well by others. So probably a safe date.

If you still want to go out with him, the next time you see him you need to talk to him. Like the others suggested, ask if he’s still interested in doing something together. Also flirt a little. Men are very visually oriented, and sometimes it helps to show interest. And by ‘flirt a little’ I mean a smile and eye contact. Apparently, scientists have studied this.

He may suggest a day, time, and thing to do. If these are good for your schedule, accept. If not, suggest an alternative. I don’t know what teenagers these days are doing for dates, but in my time dinner and a movie were rather standard. To abide by classic ettiquette, he should pick you up at your house and pay for everything. You do your part by not ordering the most expensive thing on the menu and not dressing provocatively.

And above all, try to have a good time. That’s the most important part: having a good time together.

 

[EasterJoy]

You only need to call him up and say, I am so sorry, but your invitation surprised me so much, I didn’t know what to say. You are a great guy, and honestly I was flattered that you asked. Yes, I’d like to go out with you. What do you propose?

Put it on a card, if you have to. Don’t go overboard, but it is just fine to let him know that you were pleased to have been asked. Most fellows do not mind shy, and if you compliment his invitation, he will be OK with it. Most of us, after all, only fear rejection.

You do not need to tell him you never thought anyone would ever ask you out. For all you know, this guy has asked 20 women and never gotten a single one to say yes. You can admit that you have waited to date, so your outing with him will be your first. There is no reason to say that you have been waiting to be asked rather than waiting until you are more than a bit of a girl. Good grief, you’re only 17! It is not unusual at all for young women to be forbidden to start dating until they are at least 16. Some elect to wait until they are in college. You don’t have to let on yet that your “wait” wasn’t your choice.

You’ve been to restaurants and whatnot; it is not that different. It is not like being thrown into a pool and expected to do synchronized swimming. You only have to be yourself and show an interest in him and his enjoyment of the outing.

Don’t be so hard on yourself, either. You are way to young to decide you have cemented your character, either the good traits or the difficult ones. Many is the person who becomes much more optimistic and amiable when they have a more active social life. Many is the person who doesn’t bloom until 17 or 19 or 25 or even later. That could very easily happen to you.

As for religious life, you are too young to be a sister, so don’t beat yourself up for seeing you don’t yet have the maturity for it. It is probably a sign of maturity that you see that. It is certainly a sign of maturity that you care more about the other sisters finding an agreeable companion in you than the other way around. I think that lack of self-centeredness is something many a religious sister would find refreshing. So don’t give up on yourself. You care about how others feel around you, which is the most important step to being a delightful person.

As for your thought that you’d never find anyone, there is an old lady’s saying: There isn’t a scraggly horse out there but you can find a scraggly bush to tie it to. You only have to find one person that you like and who likes you. If no one else in the whole world would have either one of you, what of it? If the two of you are one and pleased to be one, that is all that matters.

 

[redbetta]

Thanks for the advice, but I missed my chance. I went to do a driving test today and mom assured me that it is super easy and, if I just drive like I drive with her, I would pass. Well, I failed doing just that, the tester telling me that I drove as if I had just got my permit yesterday even though I practiced. My mom was livid and called me an idiot several times, which is not the first time that happened. She also calls me an idiot for poor social skills.

I was prepared to talk to him today, but that bit of confidence I had was bashed and I showed up to the rummage sale looking and feeling like **** from crying. By the time I got in a better state, he had left for the day. Can I try tomorrow? Is a two-day invitation too stale? I want to give this a try, but I am worries I lost it.

Also, I do not think I can let him pay for the date. I was raised to be as generous as I can within reason but never accept generosity from others. My mom always wants to fund every outing or potential outing. And whenever I accepted a stay for dinner at a friend’s house or ate lunch with the youth group after a project, my mom becomes angry that I am using up someone else’s resources even after helping. Either I pay for myself or the whole group and I am scared to do otherwise.

 

[Lily235]

Bad mother! She’s the idiot, not you. Parents are not supposed to berate their children like that. Sounds like she doesn’t have high parenting skills.

It is normal to fail the drivers license test the first time. I, for example, forgot to use turn signals. Now you know exactly what to expect during the test, and you know what you did wrong, so you’ll do much better the next time.

As for the boy, yes you can ask him again tomorrow.

If he wants to pay for the date you should let him. It is one way for men to show that they think you’re special. I do not think that you have to tell your mom, though. It will do no harm to not tell her, and refusing an offer for him to pay could be seen as arrogant or insulting. But then, sometimes people ‘go Dutch’ on early or less romantic dates, so it may not even be an issue.

The situations you described are all ones where other people are thanking you, or else trying to be generous like your mom. Someone has to receive the generosity else it can’t happen. And people like to have their generosity appreciated. I think your mom has gone way too overboard on this.

 

[Lily235]

Is your mother trying to buy the admiration of others? Just a thought.

 

[Joe_5859]

Thanks for the advice, but I missed my chance. I went to do a driving test today and mom assured me that it is super easy and, if I just drive like I drive with her, I would pass. Well, I failed doing just that, the tester telling me that I drove as if I had just got my permit yesterday even though I practiced. My mom was livid and called me an idiot several times, which is not the first time that happened. She also calls me an idiot for poor social skills.

I was prepared to talk to him today, but that bit of confidence I had was bashed and I showed up to the rummage sale looking and feeling like **** from crying. By the time I got in a better state, he had left for the day. Can I try tomorrow? Is a two-day invitation too stale? I want to give this a try, but I am worries I lost it.

Also, I do not think I can let him pay for the date. I was raised to be as generous as I can within reason but never accept generosity from others. My mom always wants to fund every outing or potential outing. And whenever I accepted a stay for dinner at a friend’s house or ate lunch with the youth group after a project, my mom becomes angry that I am using up someone else’s resources even after helping. Either I pay for myself or the whole group and I am scared to do otherwise.

I’m sorry to hear you are going through that. We shouldn’t have to hear our parents call us demeaning names like that. My brother failed his driver’s test the first time, too. He just took it again the next day. No big deal.

If I had a dollar for every socially awkward thing I did in high school, I wouldn’t have needed student loans for college. It really does get easier with practice. Don’t beat yourself up for stumbling around sometimes. We are not all social butterflies. It is harder for some of us than it is for others (it was very hard for me!). But time and experience helps. Be patient with yourself.

Two days is definitely not too late to follow up. I would consider it an open invitation to be responded to whenever you want. Whether you want to consider it a “date” where he pays for everything or just two people spending time getting to know each other is really up to you.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks for the advice, but I missed my chance. I went to do a driving test today and mom assured me that it is super easy and, if I just drive like I drive with her, I would pass. Well, I failed doing just that, the tester telling me that I drove as if I had just got my permit yesterday even though I practiced. My mom was livid and called me an idiot several times, which is not the first time that happened. She also calls me an idiot for poor social skills.

I was prepared to talk to him today, but that bit of confidence I had was bashed and I showed up to the rummage sale looking and feeling like **** from crying. By the time I got in a better state, he had left for the day. Can I try tomorrow? Is a two-day invitation too stale? I want to give this a try, but I am worries I lost it.

Also, I do not think I can let him pay for the date. I was raised to be as generous as I can within reason but never accept generosity from others. My mom always wants to fund every outing or potential outing. And whenever I accepted a stay for dinner at a friend’s house or ate lunch with the youth group after a project, my mom becomes angry that I am using up someone else’s resources even after helping. Either I pay for myself or the whole group and I am scared to do otherwise.

It is never too late to say, “Remember when you asked me if I’d like to go out some time? I’m sorry I didn’t say so at the time, but my answer is yes, I’d very much like to go. I was very pleased that you asked, and I’m sorry I was a bit too flustered at the time to accept on the spot. I hope you’re still interested.”

Your mother obviously has a few things to learn in the social realm herself. It is not fair to “never accept generosity from others.” That is prideful, and other people do not like it. They like to have the pleasure of extending their own generosity once in awhile, too! Don’t get me started when it comes to calling someone an idiot. Our Lord’s opinion carries the day on that count: You have heard that it was said to your ancestors, ‘You shall not kill; and whoever kills will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you, whoever is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment, and whoever says to his brother, ‘Raqa,’ will be answerable to the Sanhedrin, and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ will be liable to fiery Gehenna. Matt. 5:21-22

Warn your friend know that you would expect your mother to fly off the handle if she ever finds out that he wants to paid the whole way–IOW, you’re going to stay off the topic with her, and want to let him know that you’re alright with it if he chooses to do that, too. (You are of course not going to suggest to a decent man that he lie to anyone, nor that you would, either.) You might suggest that you each pay your own way the first couple of times, and take it from there after that, since of course you foresee that you each will want to be the sole benefactor at some point. If he insists on paying and does not care what your mother thinks, though, so be it. As long as you warn him, he can take your mom on if he sees fit. Never ask someone to hide from a controlling person. Adults each take their own course on that, sometimes avoiding confrontation and sometimes allowing confrontation to find them, as they see fit. As long as they don’t go looking for strife, they ought to be allowed to do that.

 

[JamalChristophr]

I failed my first driving test, too. Don’t sweat it. Just focus on correcting the mistakes that you made.

Your Mom is out of line for calling you that. It’s not right. You are not an idiot.

God Bless!

 

[Kamaduck]

Thanks for the advice, but I missed my chance. I went to do a driving test today and mom assured me that it is super easy and, if I just drive like I drive with her, I would pass. Well, I failed doing just that, the tester telling me that I drove as if I had just got my permit yesterday even though I practiced. My mom was livid and called me an idiot several times, which is not the first time that happened. She also calls me an idiot for poor social skills.

I was prepared to talk to him today, but that bit of confidence I had was bashed and I showed up to the rummage sale looking and feeling like **** from crying. By the time I got in a better state, he had left for the day. Can I try tomorrow? Is a two-day invitation too stale? I want to give this a try, but I am worries I lost it.

Also, I do not think I can let him pay for the date. I was raised to be as generous as I can within reason but never accept generosity from others. My mom always wants to fund every outing or potential outing. And whenever I accepted a stay for dinner at a friend’s house or ate lunch with the youth group after a project, my mom becomes angry that I am using up someone else’s resources even after helping. Either I pay for myself or the whole group and I am scared to do otherwise.

I can’t give you much of any advice in the realm of dating, but I just wanted to tell you not to worry about failing the driving test. LOTS of people fail the first time. And hey, at least you tried your best! The first time I was sceduled to take it, I ended up crying in the bathroom for an hour instead, because I was so nervous.

But a year later, I’m a lot better at it. You will be, too, so don’t lose heart.

 

[Inquiringperson]

Thanks for the advice, but I missed my chance. I went to do a driving test today and mom assured me that it is super easy and, if I just drive like I drive with her, I would pass. Well, I failed doing just that, the tester telling me that I drove as if I had just got my permit yesterday even though I practiced. My mom was livid and called me an idiot several times, which is not the first time that happened. She also calls me an idiot for poor social skills.

I was prepared to talk to him today, but that bit of confidence I had was bashed and I showed up to the rummage sale looking and feeling like **** from crying. By the time I got in a better state, he had left for the day. Can I try tomorrow? Is a two-day invitation too stale? I want to give this a try, but I am worries I lost it.

Also, I do not think I can let him pay for the date. I was raised to be as generous as I can within reason but never accept generosity from others. My mom always wants to fund every outing or potential outing. And whenever I accepted a stay for dinner at a friend’s house or ate lunch with the youth group after a project, my mom becomes angry that I am using up someone else’s resources even after helping. Either I pay for myself or the whole group and I am scared to do otherwise.

I’m a guy that’s an incoming junior in high school, so maybe I can provide a helpful perspective. Normally, I’d think that it would be best for a guy to hang out with a girl first, become friends, and ask her out, but since the young man in question already asked you out, I think it would be best if you hung out with him for a bit, then go, “you seem like a pretty cool person. Would you like to go to the movies with me (or whatever you want to do)?”.

Also, if you feel like you want to chicken out, just pray to God and ask that you may have courage. In the end, however, you have to make the choice to walk up to the boy. You can do it!

If I had a dollar for every socially awkward thing I did in high school, I wouldn’t have needed student loans for college. It really does get easier with practice. Don’t beat yourself up for stumbling around sometimes. We are not all social butterflies. It is harder for some of us than it is for others (it was very hard for me!). But time and experience helps. Be patient with yourself.

I guess I’m not the only one that’s done a lot of socially awkward things. So do you just get better social manners with experience?

 

[EasterJoy]

I failed my first driving test, too. Don’t sweat it. Just focus on correcting the mistakes that you made.

Your Mom is out of line for calling you that. It’s not right. You are not an idiot.

God Bless!

Just for the record, Our Lord did not imply that it is ever OK to injure someone by calling them an idiot.