Help a husband

  • Thread starter Thread starter MR_B
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

MR_B

Guest
Good Afternoon,

I have a question on reaching someone who is adamant agaist NFP.

My wife and I have been married for 3 years with one beautiful little girl. She has been on birth control the entire time, and I have not said anything as it was convenient to our lifestyle.

Recently (last six months) i have experienced a renewed conversion to God and the Catholic Church. I recently expressed my guilt for having allowed her to stay on b.c and my hope to look into NFP.

She went ballistic on me, spouting out tired old excuses before I could get a word in … I don’t want twenty kids, I stil want to have a career someday, mom had such trouble raising five kids by herself, I don’t want to be like our friends, the pill just lowers hormones, NFP is not reliable countig days, I don’t want the church to know about our personal lives etc.

It didn’t help that before we could talk about it she consulted her physician (a pill pusher in her own right) who told her about general NFP, not what is taught in the church today. She also called her mother ( a nurse anesthtatist) who echoed these thoughts. This woman butts in to our lives all to often in personal matters. It doesn’t help that she profeses to be Catholic while living with another man who is not her husband all the while teaching her five children about the all important dollar.

I am praying and fasting for my wife. That God will touch her in some way and help her to see the error of her ways. I am also waiting to hear back from our parish priest for guidance. Unitl then I was hoping to hear back from others who might have experienced similar trials. How do you deal with people who are completely shut out from reson or even talking about things. How do you deal with family who offer rank advice (and worse role-modeling).

How do I deal with this now. I feel guilty for her being on it, so much so that because I still have relations with her, I mised comunion this weekend (but if I shut her off physically then I am not showing her the love a husband duties call for). She didn’t even make the correlation of the two, rather thinking I had done something at work or had lustful desires etc. Am I still sining by making love to her even though I hav told ehr I don’t approve?

Thank you all for listening and any advice or comments you may offer, I truly appreciate it.

Please pray for me during this very rough time in my life, but please pray for my wife that she may see the truth.

God Bless
 
Am I still sining by making love to her even though I hav told ehr I don’t approve?
Click to expand...
No.

Visit omsoul.com/

Get a free copy of “Contraception, Why not?” for her to listen to.

Dr. Smith does an excellent job of explaining the evils of contraception.
 
MR B:
This woman butts in to our lives all to often in personal matters. It doesn’t help that she profeses to be Catholic while living with another man who is not her husband all the while teaching her five children about the all important dollar.
Click to expand...
:nope: That sounds SO very much like my own “Catholic” mother, who made my getting on BC a prerequisite to marrying my husband (I was only twenty at the time and still required a lot of support from her). To this day I get pressured about how to space my children, how many children to have, and why not to obey Church teaching on this (she wants me to have a career). Nevertheless, my husband and I have decided to use NFP, and I am grateful for our collective resolve. Thank God I don’t have to fight HIM about it!

If you are praying and fasting for your wife, you’re doing the very best you can do to bring her around. 👍 As for the issue of sin, have you spoken with your priest? I don’t honestly know whether it’s a sin or not.

Grace to you,

Mary
 
There are no pat answers for you, but your wife needs to understand, at the very least, that marriage is a covenant between two people Feminist theology treats procreation as if it completely depends upon the woman, but there is far more to it than this, and for one member of the covenant to demand supremacy over the other is always dangerous. It takes away the covenental nature of marriage and the neccessity of unity that makes marriage holy and far less vulnerable than singular efforts for individual tasks within it.
You are not the only person who is dealing with this issue, a whole generation has bought into the lie that less children is better. This is a terrible mistake that is sure to cost humanity down the line. It certainly shows little trust in God’s providence, but rather on our own selfish wants for our futures. My only suggestion to you is to get your wife to get educated in Scripture before she declares her “faith” in her theories. Certainly she can admit that her blind acceptance of popular culture is already chipping away at the substance of marital life, a vow which she declared she understood and pledged to keep.
Besides, all of this, as Mother Theresa so beautifully put it, “Saying there are too many children is like saying there are too many flowers” My own three children mean the world to me, and I have often wished I had had more . . . . which only the lies I believed prevented. As in many things that are extremely wrong, there is no going back.
 
MR B:
Good Afternoon,

I have a question on reaching someone who is adamant agaist NFP.

Recently (last six months) i have experienced a renewed conversion to God and the Catholic Church. I recently expressed my guilt for having allowed her to stay on b.c and my hope to look into NFP.

I am praying and fasting for my wife. That God will touch her in some way and help her to see the error of her ways. I am also waiting to hear back from our parish priest for guidance. Unitl then I was hoping to hear back from others who might have experienced similar trials. How do you deal with people who are completely shut out from reson or even talking about things. How do you deal with family who offer rank advice (and worse role-modeling).

How do I deal with this now. I feel guilty for her being on it, so much so that because I still have relations with her,… Am I still sining by making love to her even though I hav told ehr I don’t approve?

Thank you all for listening and any advice or comments you may offer, I truly appreciate it.

Please pray for me during this very rough time in my life, but please pray for my wife that she may see the truth.

God Bless
Click to expand...
From the sounds of it, the Holy Spirit is working initially through you to establish more His order in your marriage and budding family. Expect resistance; a long-haul perspective and approach is helpful to have. Conversion is the work of the Holy Spirit and takes time. Fasting and praying for your wife is the the first order sacrifice to bring about more of God’s grace in your marriage.

As for intrusive in-laws, this is a proper task of any newer marriage to insist upon proper inter-family boundaries. I would see this as growing pains that this particular issue is confronting your marriage with. It will be helpful to have the support of like minded married men to support your efforts to honor God in your marriage. Hate to say it, but be sure that your priest is orthodox and fully aligned with authoritative Church teaching in this area, otherwise you will get the feeling of having shot yourself in the foot.

Here are two posts from the Catholic Answers Ask the Apologist forum specifically dealing with your particular issue of a spouse continuing to contracept. I will pray for you and your marriage.

Marital Sex and Contraception

What does one do when the other party wants to contracept?
 
MR B:
Good Afternoon,

I have a question on reaching someone who is adamant agaist NFP.

My wife and I have been married for 3 years with one beautiful little girl. She has been on birth control the entire time, and I have not said anything as it was convenient to our lifestyle.

Recently (last six months) i have experienced a renewed conversion to God and the Catholic Church. I recently expressed my guilt for having allowed her to stay on b.c and my hope to look into NFP.

She went ballistic on me,
Click to expand...
Husbands, love your wives. She knows your feelings and you cannot force her to stop taking it. Now pray and let the Holy Spirit handle it from here. God knows where your heart is.
 
I believe the Couple to Couple League, as well as the American Life League, offers information on the Pill that should cause any woman to sit up and take notice.

I was able to convince my cousin to get off the Pill after many heart to heart (and never compromising!) chats where I demonstrated to her that the Pill was not only risky for her health, but also acts (sometimes) as an abortifacient drug.

Even the materials that come with the Pill attest to this, if anyone bothers to read all that stuff!

So, do continue to lovingly encourage your wife to abandon her psychological dependence upon this harmful “wonder drug.”

PS, There certainly would be nothing sinful about it if you did decide to limit your sexual relations to the times that you think your wife would naturally be infertile. She may realize that NFP really isn’t so bad and might be willing to give it a try…and you would also learn to control your passions, a plus for both of you. You could offer your time of “courtship” to kindle deeper friendship with your wife and offer the sexual abstinence to God in reparation for your wife’s offense in using the Pill…

As for the mother-in-law, :ehh: I would definitely let your wife know that if she feels uncomfortable thinking that ***the Church ***knows what you’re doing, doesn’t she think you feel uncomfortable with her discussing it with your mother-in-law??? MIL must respect the couple’s privacy! :tsktsk:
 
Here is my two cents…

I am not Catholic, but I now refuse to take the birth control pill for the very reason it can be abortifacent. I have taken the pill before marriage and during our marriage. It made me feel physically horrible and made me very depressed.

It might be worth mentioning to her that it is very possible the birth control pill could kill your children…or may have already killed your children. This just might be a different way to go about it.

Luck to you and prayers!
 
Panis Angelicas:
As for the mother-in-law, :ehh: I would definitely let your wife know that if she feels uncomfortable thinking that ***the Church ***knows what you’re doing, doesn’t she think you feel uncomfortable with her discussing it with your mother-in-law??? MIL must respect the couple’s privacy! :tsktsk:
Click to expand...
:clapping: An EXCELLENT point!!
 
Thank you everyone for all the information so far!!!

In regards to the b.c. acting as an abortificient, I mentioned this and she insisted that the pill she is on only lowers her hormones (another fallacy thanks to the mother-in-law nurse!).

It has been hard to say anything so far. She promised me that she would be open to looking into NFP, yet any time I mentioned it she would throw all of this information at me without me getting in a word edgewise.

It has been hard, but it helps knowing others are praying for both of us.

THank you!
 
MR B:
the pill just lowers hormones, NFP is not reliable countig days
Click to expand...
NFP is not about “counting days”. the sympto - thermal relies on body temp and physical signs. You wife is thinking of the old calender rythym method which is not modern NFP. Most doctors know very little about Natural Family Planning. Contact the Couple to Couple League and get some acurate info to give her.

I have been using NFP for nearly nine years because I have a heart problem that would make another pregnancy fatal for me. When NFP is done correctly it has the same accuracy as the pill.
 
MR B:
she insisted that the pill she is on only lowers her hormones (another fallacy thanks to the mother-in-law nurse!).
!
Click to expand...
That’s utter horse phooey.
So she believes that by taking estrogen and progestin she is limiting the amount of hormones in her body?
Make her read the insert at least.
 
Be a loving husband, show her that you still desire her (though you’d be warranted in limiting sex to infertile periods, at least as practice), and pray. Don’t badger her too much, because that’s only going to drive her deeper in her convictions. Let her know how you feel, and let it stand at that. In time she will come around and realize that you’re doing this for your relationship and not just for you.
 
MR B:
Good Afternoon,

I have a question on reaching someone who is adamant agaist NFP.

My wife and I have been married for 3 years with one beautiful little girl. She has been on birth control the entire time, and I have not said anything as it was convenient to our lifestyle.

Recently (last six months) i have experienced a renewed conversion to God and the Catholic Church. I recently expressed my guilt for having allowed her to stay on b.c and my hope to look into NFP.

She went ballistic on me, spouting out tired old excuses before I could get a word in … I don’t want twenty kids, I stil want to have a career someday, mom had such trouble raising five kids by herself, I don’t want to be like our friends, the pill just lowers hormones, NFP is not reliable countig days, I don’t want the church to know about our personal lives etc.

It didn’t help that before we could talk about it she consulted her physician (a pill pusher in her own right) who told her about general NFP, not what is taught in the church today. She also called her mother ( a nurse anesthtatist) who echoed these thoughts. This woman butts in to our lives all to often in personal matters. It doesn’t help that she profeses to be Catholic while living with another man who is not her husband all the while teaching her five children about the all important dollar.

I am praying and fasting for my wife. That God will touch her in some way and help her to see the error of her ways. I am also waiting to hear back from our parish priest for guidance. Unitl then I was hoping to hear back from others who might have experienced similar trials. How do you deal with people who are completely shut out from reson or even talking about things. How do you deal with family who offer rank advice (and worse role-modeling).

How do I deal with this now. I feel guilty for her being on it, so much so that because I still have relations with her, I mised comunion this weekend (but if I shut her off physically then I am not showing her the love a husband duties call for). She didn’t even make the correlation of the two, rather thinking I had done something at work or had lustful desires etc. Am I still sining by making love to her even though I hav told ehr I don’t approve?

Thank you all for listening and any advice or comments you may offer, I truly appreciate it.

Please pray for me during this very rough time in my life, but please pray for my wife that she may see the truth.

God Bless
Click to expand...
I am definitely praying for you.

God Bless,
Kerri
 
My wife is not Catholic (we married while I was a lapsed Catholic, probably not the wisest decision). We have had the same heated conversations as well (probably over a couple of years or more, we even tried to abstain for a few months).

Talk to your priest in confession and tell him the situation. IF he agrees that there is nothing more you can do to change the situation, taking bc is not your decision, it is your wifes. When it boils down to making a total mess of your marriage with constant arguments and fights, or taking bc then bc is better than a divorce or broken marriage.

It is not the ideal solution, but you would have done everything humanly possible to make the right choices. IF your wife is Catholic, it is her responsibility to reconcile her choices to the Church’s teachings. Make your preference known (which it appears you have already) and tell her it is her decision.
wc
 
MR B:
Good Afternoon,

She went ballistic on me, spouting out tired old excuses before I could get a word in … I don’t want twenty kids, I stil want to have a career someday, mom had such trouble raising five kids by herself, I don’t want to be like our friends, the pill just lowers hormones, NFP is not reliable countig days, I don’t want the church to know about our personal lives etc.
Click to expand...
Well I cannot answer as someone who has gone through what you are going through, but I would still like to add my two cents.

First and foremost she has to be willing to at least have the conversation instead of fillibustering when you bring it up. If she is not open to hear what you have to say from the bottom of your heart then there is not much you can do. But if you do get her to at least listen to you, the first thing I would do is tell her all you want from her is for her to hear out your argument against the pill as well as your argument in favor of NFP. Every single objection that you mentioned coming from her is irrational. How does the Church know anything about your personal lives because you are using NFP?

Just be as non confrontational as you can while you go through NFP logic making sure to stress the increased communication and oneness that results from the use of NFP.

Good luck brother!
 
MR B:
In regards to the b.c. acting as an abortificient, I mentioned this and she insisted that the pill she is on only lowers her hormones (another fallacy thanks to the mother-in-law nurse!).
Click to expand...
~ It can lower sex drive by increasing certain hormones, but taking supplements of a particular compound only increases the presence of that compound. That’s a common sense deal. Next time it comes up I’d ask her why people take vitamins - at that point it should be obvious that taking vitamins increases the vitamins in a person’s body, and hormone supplements work thte same way.

You might be able to make some headway by printing the prescriber information sheet of the type of BCPs she’s taking and highlight the part of the section on how it works stating that medication can alter the lining of the uterus interfering with implantation, then handing it to her and pointing to the highlighted part when she wasn’t expecting that information. My mom used to try to argue with me about how they worked, I managed to shut her down using that tactic. Your wife might not want to believe you over your MIL, but when the FDA agrees with you, its a little harder for her to pull rank. If you have trouble locating a copy yourself, either post or PM me the brand and I’ll get a link to you. But an example is here, look under the heading “ORAL CONTRACEPTION”:
orthomcneil.com/products/pi/pdfs/cycltri.pdf
 
I asked the same question myself, out of curiosity. The answer is that you are not doing anything immoral. This situation is your wife’s decision, not yours. There is actually a church document that verifies this, but I’m sorry to say that I can’t remember what the name of it is. Remember that having a marriage that is falling apart is also a moral problem. If you search this forum, you may find it. I believe that Father Serpa was the one who pointed it out.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top