Help: Advice in relationship

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Hello all and thanks for your help and prayers. Before reading further I would like to warn you that this is personal and related to sexual sin so if you do not feel comfortable offering advice or reading further please do not feel pressured. However if you will not be bothered I really need a woman’s advice as well.

I have been dating my girlfriend for almost a year and I love her very deeply. I admire so much about her, she is the most honest person I know, supportive of everything I do, and helps me to grow in my faith. However the most difficult part of her relationship is her struggle with her self-worth and she has always had problems trusting me due to past experiences with men who have hurt or cheated on her.

I rarely struggle with lust or pornography, and throughout our relationship I never did except once a couple of months ago. I always promised to be honest and tell her if something like that ever happened and so I did. This has destroyed her and now she feels completely worthless and wants me to leave her so she doesn’t have to deal with the pain of being “unwanted.”

I love her so dearly and am working so hard to repair the wounds this has caused, but I don’t know how to make her understand that I really do love her, want to marry her and be with her more than anything else, and think she’s beautiful. She says it is impossible for us to be physical because she “knows” that I don’t really want to be with her and that I’m really tricking myself into loving her because I want something else. I don’t know why she doesn’t understand that I’m actually attracted to her. Advice, thoughts, prayers and any help would be so dearly appreciated, God bless you all.
 
Correct me if I am wrong but it seems like your girlfriend is suffering from some major self-esteem problems. 😦

I am a young woman who’s soul has been tainted by impure sin long before I became Catholic and I know I have self-esteem problems myself. I am also a single mother.

Which is EXACTLY why I wouldn’t dare pursue a relationship right now. Your girlfriend is not me obviously (probably is a much better person than I am), but it sounds like maybe a romantic relationship isn’t a good idea for her right now.

Honestly, to me it sounds like your girlfriend needs to speak to a good counselor. Is she Catholic? A good priest could help as well. I think maybe perhaps you could speak to a priest yourself to help discern what is the best course of action for your situation. I’m not saying that this is what you need to do, because only you can determine that, but if I were you, I would break things off with this girl for now so she can have time to recover from whatever it is that ails her. She shouldn’t withold trust from you based on what other people have done to her.

In regards to your mistake in porn-viewing though, or whatever it is you did, forgive me for sounding harsh but your girlfriend has NO right to that kind of information. You say you don’t really struggle in that area? Then good, that is between you and God NOT you and your girlfriend. It isn’t right for her to demand that kind of information from you. Only an insecure woman would demand that kind of information from you and then use it against you like that.

I’m sorry if I sounded mean, I really feel for you and your girlfriend. Please seek the help of a good priest. Encourage your girlfriend to get help from someone who can help her heal. Well, probably the first person she should go to is Jesus, the Divine Physician. God bless you both, I pray that things improve for the both of you. If I come up with some good resources I will post them for you.
 
I agree, that I don’t know if it was in her best interest to tell her that you viewed porn since she seems to have such horrible self-esteem.

I suffered from horrible self-esteem, and still do at some points. So I know that if my fiance viewed porn and told me, I would be affected. I think it’s natural on some extent. But for her to say that you should not be together kind of to me seems like she has some major issues there. I really suggest counseling for that.

As far as advice for you, I would say that if you ever do struggle with the sin of viewing porn again, think of your girlfriend. Think of how much you love her, and how that hurts her. It may help prevent you from falling into sin. Because if you do truly love her, you won’t want to hurt her, no matter the temptation (in my opinion)

I just say these out of my own experiences. My fiance has told me that as a hockey player and a businessman, many fellow men have felt the need to invite him to strip joints, but he doesn’t go because he respects women. And I know he loves me. He says to me, why go out for a burger when you have steak at home? Not in the true sense in that we don’t live together nor sleep together, but meaning that he wouldn’t want to view other women because he knows what a great women he has.

On another note, when you say that she doesn’t want to be physical, then I hope that you don’t mean that you two are having sex. If you loved her, you would not be doing that before marriage. But if that’s not what you meant, then I apologize.

I hope that helps…
 
If you are watching porn, you are not husband material. If you are not husband material, you are not boyfriend material.

Wait to date until you are ready to give up the nasty porn habit and commit totally to God.

THEN you will be ready to discern marriage with a good woman.

A girl with self esteem issues needs to date a man who watches porn like she needs a fatal illness.
 
I agree with everything that “jenlovesyu” said. Take her advice.

If you really love her as you say, then walk away right now. If ,in time, God wants this relationship to work, then let Him make it happen. But girlfriend needs to do some self-work beforehand.
 
I agree with jenlovesyu. I don’t know how old you and your girlfriend are, but I’m 20 and I have been dating a guy for 3 years. Self-esteem issues are tough, I definitely get that. I’m just barely beginning to get over the wackiest part of my own self-esteem issues. But you seem like a genuine and faithful guy, so I don’t think she has much to worry about in terms of you straying away. Struggling with porn or lust ONCE does not seem grounds to believe otherwise. Furthermore, I know you’re just trying to be honest with her and those are excellent intentions, but not telling her if you “slip up” is not being dishonest. You are not married, you are not a part of that you+her+God bond. You are your own person and you have your own relationship with God. Giving into porn or lust that one time a couple months ago is between you and God, just like jen said, and to leave her out of that information is NOT being dishonest with her. Because once God forgives you, what’s the point in telling her? The only guilt you’re going to feel is with her. When God forgives, you’re clean and able to work on your relationship with her 🙂
 
I am confused about not telling the girlfriend about the porn use. A woman needs to know if a potential husband watches porn so she can discern whether or not she will marry him. If the boyfriend hides it then he is just deceiving the woman into marrying him.
 
jmcan5160 said:
Hello all and thanks for your help and prayers. Before reading further I would like to warn you that this is personal and related to sexual sin so if you do not feel comfortable offering advice or reading further please do not feel pressured. However if you will not be bothered I really need a woman’s advice as well.

I have been dating my girlfriend for almost a year and I love her very deeply. I admire so much about her, she is the most honest person I know, supportive of everything I do, and helps me to grow in my faith. However the most difficult part of her relationship is her struggle with her self-worth and she has always had problems trusting me due to past experiences with men who have hurt or cheated on her.

I rarely struggle with lust or pornography, and throughout our relationship I never did except once a couple of months ago. I always promised to be honest and tell her if something like that ever happened and so I did. This has destroyed her and now she feels completely worthless and wants me to leave her so she doesn’t have to deal with the pain of being “unwanted.”

I love her so dearly and am working so hard to repair the wounds this has caused, but I don’t know how to make her understand that I really do love her, want to marry her and be with her more than anything else, and think she’s beautiful. She says it is impossible for us to be physical because she “knows” that I don’t really want to be with her and that I’m really tricking myself into loving her because I want something else. I don’t know why she doesn’t understand that I’m actually attracted to her. Advice, thoughts, prayers and any help would be so dearly appreciated, God bless you all.
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You shouldn’t have told her. It would be one thing if you were an addict, then you would be deceiving by not telling her. But one stumble a few months ago?

Her reaction is abnormal, you looked at pornography once a few months ago and it “destroyed her” and she now feels worthless and decided that she’s “unwanted.”

Now she says it’s impossible for you to be physical (presumably she meant after marriage) because you stumbled once and looked at porn?

I don’t know. If I were you I would reconsider being with this girl. Her reaction would be reasonable if you were a porn addict spending hours on porn every day and preferring it to time with her (and later to sex with her).

Has she gotten counselling for her issues? Looking at porn one time will not be the last mistake you’ve ever made in your life, it probably wasn’t the last time you’ll look at porn either. If she is going to say “that’s it, I am now worthless and can * never* be intimate with you”, how is she going to react to other imperfections you’ll undoubtedly display at future points in your life.

Unless she gets help for her issues I don’t think you should stay with her.
 
Many if not most guys struggle with porn. Women struggle with it also even if it is not in the same numbers. The difference is that women tend to take it personally when a man does it. Some men dont even bother telling women or make it obvious to them since they do not want the complaining from the women. It is a terrible struggle and it never ends. You are blasted with temptations from all over the place. I dont think many men would ever get married because of the difficulty in overcoming it. It does take two to tango though. Men wouldnt have these problems if women didnt dress provocatively and perform in porn films and women wouldnt have problems with men that use it if they all were strong enough to demand ceasing it in order to have a girl since men would stop watching it quick, fast and in a hurry. If women feel so hurt from porn use, they need to do more about it themselves than to act weak and accept less from men. Self policing and demanding more from men will help your collective whole as well as men.
 
sixlittlesaints said:
I am confused about not telling the girlfriend about the porn use. A woman needs to know if a potential husband watches porn so she can discern whether or not she will marry him. If the boyfriend hides it then he is just deceiving the woman into marrying him.
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I think the point of the posters were that he should have dealt with it between himself and God (through a priest). This would have avoided putting the burden on the GF. Many want to confesss their sins to their partner, and sometimes it makes sense to share it, but there are other cases where no value is added.

Now, his GF feels that he prefers other women (virtual unobtainable women at that) to her as a reality. It’s a big blow and very difficult to deal with for the woman. On the other hand the guy has an addiction problem (may not be chronic but still there), that needs God’s helping hand.

My 2cs
 
Thank you all for your replies and prayers. She is pursuing counseling and trying to receive help and it seems to be going well. She never forced me to tell her anything but I felt that considering the way she has been hurt in the past by other guys cheating on her and having addictions to pornography that I should be open with her with my struggles but also my progress. I am reading Pope John Paul’s Theology of the Body Lectures and the Good News by Christopher West; they have been immensely eye opening and helpful.

I am staying with her because I love her; because no matter how difficult this is for her or for me I’m choosing to stay with her because I want her to receive Christ’s healing grace. I am glad these issues have come out now because I feel like if she found out I ever struggled with pornography after we were married and have a sexual relationship it would make things much more difficult. I feel that God has blessed us by preparing us both ahead of time with where our heart need to be before we make that commitment.
 
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for several years now (we met in high school) and very early on in our relationship he told me about his previous problem he had with porn. He wanted me to know before the relationship got serious, and he told he that he would understand if this meant that I would no longer wish to continue with the relationship. I’m going to be honest and say that I was shocked and knowing about it hurt me a lot. Then I realized that the reason he told me was because he cared about me so much and he wanted me to know that he was truly sorry. We are both cradle Catholics and grew up going to the same church, and we plan on getting married as soon as we finish college. I am truly grateful that he told me when he did, and I greatly respect you for telling your girlfriend as soon as possible. You have to realize, however, that there is always a chance that she may not be able to forgive you, there was always that chance when you gave in to your lust, but in my opinion, you did the right thing. Keep telling her that you love her and that you will pray that she may find it in her heart to forgive you.
God Bless!
 
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