Help! advice on my interfaith relationship

[1ke]

DanMan1982:

Wow…

I did not realize I would receive so much advice and kind words. Everyone’s response has been truly helpful to me!

Something I failed to mention in my first post was that she says she feels “used,” because we mutually consented and shared a lot of emotion, feelings and intimacy, and that it is wrong of me to “take it away” from her.

I don’t want her to feel used. I know I didn’t use her, it wasn’t like that…I didn’t think “oh two years from now I’m going to tell her I want to stop doing this with her.” And she says its wrong to take it away from her…any advice on how to specically address these “used” feelings?

Thank you so much again.

You have both used *each other * as a sexual object. You didn’t know you were doing this, you didn’t intend to do this, but you did.

That used feeling is what comes from engaging in sex outside of marriage and then realizing that sex does not make you married, it does not create that “special” and “unbreakable” bond. She is experiencing anxiety that she may lose you after giving you a special part of herself and expending serious emotional energy on the relationship.

You must, however, get past that and help her recognize that your new direction is the right direction to mend the feeling of being used because you will no longer “use” each other in a way that is not appropriate to your current single state.

It’s wrong to take what away from her? What does she think you are taking away from her, exactly?

 

[Viki59]

If she likes to read, I recommend the book Arms of Love. It’s a novel that describes a man who converts to Catholicism from a promiscuous lifestyle when he falls in love with a Catholic girl, and takes them through their courtship. The writing style is not great but the concepts are very good:

courtshipnow.com/
Sometimes, for some people, fiction can explain things more clearly than anything else. The book describes the beauty of a chaste relationship better than any other.

Stick to your guns. She will thank you one day.

 

[mumof5]

If she loves you, she will wait for intimate relations. The best you can do is to pray for her. Would she pray with you?

Charitably explain things to her. Putting pressure on her would be a mistake though.

Could she feel threatened by this change? She thought she knew you and now you’ve changed? It is a major change and she may just need some time to get used to it.

But pray without ceasing…that is the best

 

[johntkd]

1ke:

John, this is not an option for a Catholic. You may not have a Catholic wedding and then another wedding.

we were told that yes we could but the legal Marriage has to take place within the church, the second wedding is merely a party or a
restatement of vows…

remember this is "interfaith as well, with permissions different rules apply including having 2 different ministers…

besides that they could easily get married outdoors then have the marriage blessed, esspecially if they do not consumate…
we actually had 2 couples in our pre marriage class that did that.
and they were Both Catholics in each couple.

THEY need to discuss this with a priest, whom can get them info from the Bishop and how to pursue these things, options are available
John

 

[Shlemele]

Well I know from personal experience here that if you choose to go with your guns you will most likely not be getting married to this woman. Even though you are both Christian (I assume) should she want to pass on part of her beliefs to your children she (by the sense I get from the above posts) will not be able to. I am in a similar situation in that I “Laid down the law” before I was married. Of course this didn’t work in my case because My wife-to-be promised something she couldn’t live up to, nor if I had known more about Catholicism would I have asked it of her. Now we are separated and trying to work things out so both of us can be ok with our faith and children but I fear that won’t happen.

Basically don’t “lay down the law”. Talk, listen to what your G.F. says and feels. If she is not 100% on board with all the things you are saying and if you intend to follow up with the things you have posted then the most loving thing you can do is let her find someone who will be able to share her faith. A good rule is that if you can’t live with her the rest of her life as she is then don’t do her the disservice of an unfair standard. She didn’t know what would be going on in your head so it’s your responsibility to be straight about A) what the Catholic church believes and B) what that would mean if you got married. And make it clear, I knew a lot of Catholics who didn’t practice their faith to the letter and she might as well. Be clear about what YOU believe, I’m sure she has many questions and misconceptions but you on the other hand must be clear in your intentions.

In closing be truthful and ask your girlfriend to be as well, even if it hurts. The thing about it is that even though it will hurt now it is NOTHING compared to the pain that awaits later on if one of you proceeds with a lie. I’m there now so learn from my example.

 

[DanMan1982]

I have to say thanks again for all the wonderful help. The lines of communication are open between us, and who knows where we’ll be a week from now, a month, a year from now…but right now, she’s trying to understand and talk more and that is good. I want to expand on this at some point by explaining to her my beliefs as a Catholic…but I also want to give her a website/book on basic Catholic beliefs…one that would be especially “friendly” to her, being from a protestant upbringing. Like I said, she does believe in God, but she doesn’t go to church, doesn’t pray…any suggestions on any links/books?? Thank you again!

 

[johntkd]

DanMan1982:

I have to say thanks again for all the wonderful help. The lines of communication are open between us, and who knows where we’ll be a week from now, a month, a year from now…but right now, she’s trying to understand and talk more and that is good. I want to expand on this at some point by explaining to her my beliefs as a Catholic…but I also want to give her a website/book on basic Catholic beliefs…one that would be especially “friendly” to her, being from a protestant upbringing. Like I said, she does believe in God, but she doesn’t go to church, doesn’t pray…any suggestions on any links/books?? Thank you again!

Yep a good suggestion is have her surf right here on this forum.
there are answers to almost everything and with different views and opinions as well,cant get much better than seeign all sides.
will also let her know what to expect etc…

 

[Vintagecoils]

DanMan1982,

My first advice is to “Seek ye first the kingdom of God”, You are trapped in the mind set of trying to get your faith and beliefs to fit into the situation you are in. THat will not work. The question is does the situation align and fit into your faith, beliefs and the will of God.

Answer, as you have already begun to realize is, NO. Stop now. No matter how guilty you feel or sorry you are the way it worked out or how much against the Lord you were living, traveling further down the same road does not get you back in the direction of the Lord. If she is committed and willing to make that u-turn with you in all ernest and you both first seek your direction to the Lord then no one will be hurt and both of you will find the answers you need. THen and only then can you look at each other and even begin to evaluate if you love this person and want to spend the rest of your life with them. Right now your love was not centered on God. Once your lives are centered on the Lord you will either discover the new love for each other in Christ or clearly see you need to go your separate ways.

Submitting oneself over to the Lord has a way of solving the human emotional hurdles we think we have. Your developing love for Christ in my thinking should not have upset a fellow Christian. So as many have said her journey right now is going separately from yours. You can apolegizes and realize you were both misguided but don;'t let that keep you from Christ first and for most. It has been good advice given to you not to attempt to force an unequally yoked relationship out of a false obligation to your sinful life.

To add, believing in God does not make a Christian, Confessing he is Lord and savior and doing his comandments.

Like they say , even the demons believe.

 

[kage_ar]

DanMan1982:

I have to say thanks again for all the wonderful help. The lines of communication are open between us, and who knows where we’ll be a week from now, a month, a year from now…but right now, she’s trying to understand and talk more and that is good. I want to expand on this at some point by explaining to her my beliefs as a Catholic…but I also want to give her a website/book on basic Catholic beliefs…one that would be especially “friendly” to her, being from a protestant upbringing. Like I said, she does believe in God, but she doesn’t go to church, doesn’t pray…any suggestions on any links/books?? Thank you again!

C. S. Lewis “Mere Christianity”.

What you are speaking of - living chastely - is part of Christianity 101.

 

[YinYangMom]

By the way, DanMan…

Before you order the 4 CD set of Theology of the Body by Christopher West, there’s a 10 CD set of a similar presentation of his called “Naked Without Shame: A Crash Course on the Theology of the Body” you can purchase for only** $3.90 **from The Gift Foundation.

This is the one I’ve listened to and which helped tremendously with my being able to understand John Paul IIs view of being human. I keep a couple of extra sets around the house to give to the engaged couples my husband and I work with for our parish.

Give it a try.

YYM

 

[happymomoftwo]

Your girl friend deserves to know your expectations so that she can decide whether she is willing to share a life on those terms. She may say, ‘no.’ Or she may be willing to explore your faith with you. Either way, she deserves to know what you expect.

Good luck to you!