Help! Advice please

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LaSainte

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My husband’s parents live in another state. Years ago, we moved to the state we are currently in to be near my family. My mom lives a few hours away and we have 2 young sons (3 and 8 months) who are literally the light of her life. She had me when she was very young, so if anything ever happened to us, she and my step-dad would take the kids. She loves them so much, I think she might do a better job with them than I can! :). My son absolutely adores her.

The problem is, my husband’s brother, his wife and kids, and my husband’s parents are all planning to move to the same place (another state we have never even been to) and my husband wants us to move there too because “it’s his turn”. I don’t really have anything in common with my SIL and if I’m being honest, I am not a huge fan of their parenting style and I’m not too excited about the influence their boys would have on mine. My husband’s mom is kind of a shut-in. Being around the kids really stresses her out and she tends to get snappy with me if she is around them for too long. They don’t visit very often and they even missed our son’s baptism. I get the feeling that she doesn’t care one way or the other if we live nearby. My husband’s father is a wonderful Catholoc man and is great with the kids when he does get to see them. They are both older than my mom.

The thing is, if we pick up and move to be near them, it will be forever. I and my kids will only see my mom once a year. We have no friends there. It’s a nice enough city, I guess.

My husband, being the wonderful man that he is, will move wherever I want to move (which is near my mom, in a wonderful city that we both really like), but I don’t want to take his last chance to be near his family away from him. I don’t want him to resent me should something happen to his parents. I know this is important to him and we just had a huge blowout over it last night.

This is a horrible decision and the very thought of moving that far away from my mom makes me sick to my stomach.

I have prayed to God for answers but so far I haven’t gotten any.

What would you do?
 
LaSainte,

Just my opinion but if you, your children and husband like the area you are in then stay. If you move you may not like the area you are in, as you stated you do not agree with his family decisions or influences. And your family can still visit his family and yours. But YOU both will be raising your children with the morals and values that you chose to teach them.

Try to let your husband know that you are not abandoning his family – that visits will happen. It may sound cruel but anything can happen to anyone’s parents at any time. Regardless if you are 1 mile away or 1000.

As a side note when you discuss this again with him, it may be best not to bring up his families style for he may take that as a personal attack. May be even go on-line and check out the area: crime, cost of living, schools, and the local economy to do a comparison to where you live now. Hit him with the facts of why living where you are is a better environment for you and the kids. We men love facts 

I will pray that things work out for you.

May God bless and keep you All.

Winter
 
It if was me, I’d sit down with my husband and make a list of the pros and the cons of where you live now and the place you’re thinking about moving to. Take out the family ties from both places and look at them objectively. I’d even pick a place that was perhaps in the middle, equal distance from both places, to gain another perspective. There are so many other issues to consider when picking place to live, such as the housing market, the job market, schools, health facilities, social opportunities, etc,etc.

Maybe the place your inlaws are considering offer many advantages over where you live. If its really important for your husband to be near his family for awhile, just for a day, look at it from his point of view. You said your mom is relatively young compared to your husband’s parents. It would probably be easier for her to make the trip to visit.

Get your husband to honestly do the same for you, try to get him to look objectively at your current place of residency. What would he be giving up by moving just to be close to his family?

I think both of you have to look at the gains and the losses from both your points of view.
 
Unless I missed it in the post, what is the reason for your husband wanting to move the entire family?

A job opportunity, college education, medical reason?

This is just my 2 cents, but “moving because others are moving” just doesn’t seem to be a well thought out reason.
 
Thank you all so much for the insights! It’s great to gain some perspective from people not directly involved. To answer your questions, we are planning on moving anyway. My husband works from home and my mom recently moved out of this city a few hours away to an AWESOME city. We want to get out of this house anyway, so we figured we might as well be closer to family. Both cities are fairly comparable, but I’ve only ever been to the one my mom lives in, and I love it. It’s only a few hours away vs. halfway across the country as well.

My mom is also incredibly helpful with the kids, something we would definitely not be getting if we moved. Seeing how my BIL and SIL treat their kids makes me not really want to leave mine with them. Don’t get me wrong, they are very nice people and have always been wonderful to my kids, but I question their parenting. They tend to put their kids down and use a lot of sarcasm. When I had my youngest, my SIL said, “Just be careful. You get one who’s at the top of his class in everything and then you get the village idiot over here.” she then gestured to their 2.5 year old who was standing right there. When the kids mess something up the dad says things like, “Good job, genius” and things of that nature. They’re generally not mean-spirited people and they have always been awesome with my kids, but I wouldn’t exactly want to leave my kids overnight with them or anything because I wouldn’t want to risk someone talking to my kids that way. He’s a doctor and she’s a biologist, and they just have a very dry, cynical demeanor that I find offputting. Not that I’m exactly Mother of the Year, mind you, but still.
 
That being said, my family sometimes makes racist remarks “in gest”, so I guess nobody is a perfect influence.
 
I’d take a trip then to the city your inlaws are considering. We don’t have the best relationship with my husband’s family, but I do love the town they live in and would definitely consider it if we were planning a move to a different town. Any potential place will have its advantages and negatives, but both of you have to consider ALL the possibilities, not just that either are great (or not so great) because family is there.

You can always limit the time you yourself and your kids spend with your inlaws. Your husband could be free to visit with them as much as he desires though. Maybe that’s all he’s wanting?
 
I would not move near his family if at all possible. Not because they are awful, but because your mom is really great with the kids and you need all the help you can get! 😛
Maybe your husband will begin to understand as time goes on. Be sweet about it and very understanding, but I would say visits to his family would be enough.
My husband had the decision, when I was very ill, of whether to move to his farm in the Deep South or to move me to near my parents. He chose moving near my parents, thank goodness (although I adore his parents), because he felt I needed my family. Maybe your husband will be the same way.
I will pray for you!
 
Not advice exactly, just a peek at things from the other side.

My husband’s family live 10,000 miles away on the other side of the world. My family lives about 20 minutes away. We still see my family only about twice or three times in a year, and I would NEVER ask my mother to babysit. Not because she cannot be trusted with the children, but because, well, I am the Catholic black sheep in a family full of Protestant missionaries. They don’t like me much anymore.

It doesn’t matter, either. We have made a family of our own, and we have friends to talk to (though still no Catholic friends, really). It is what it is. I just want to encourage you that if you do end up moving near your husband’s family, it does not have to be bad! You will have your husband and children, after all. 😃
 
Thank you all for the great responses so far! This is a really tough decision. My heart tells me to be near my family, and so does my gut. But of course, I could just be being selfish as well. My mother really is so much help with the kids, and she’s my best friend. My husband also really loves my family, but he seems to really have his heart set on being with his family. Also, we have ZERO compunction about ever leaving the kids with my mom. She is actually always begging us to let our 2 year old go and spend the weekend. If we ever wanted to take a couple of days to ourselves, she would take the kids no problem, and they have such a good time wih her, they hardly notice we are gone. All of this disappears if we move to be with my husband’s family. His brother works a lot and already has 2 very wild boys, and his parents are a bit older and not really used to having little kids around. They are great people, but I just don’t think it’s the best decision. But I don’t want my husband to resent me for not letting our kids grow up near his parents, especially if something should happen to them and the kids never really get to know them like they know my mom.

Thank you for all the prayers and please keep the advice coming! I really need guidance here.
 
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