Help and Prayers Please: Child freaks out at Confession

[carmelitenovice]

Hi:
I need some help and prayers please.
My daughter age 8 has made her First Confession and First Holy Communion, apparently without difficulty. However, since then I have gone with her to Confession twice and, although all seems fine until then, the instant the door opens and it’s her turn, she starts whimpering, digging her heels etc.

At that point, I obviously don’t continue. I apologize profusely to the priest and to the people in line behind us.

I’m not angry with her. I understand her being afraid. But I admit I am frustrated. How do I get her to go and help her to get over her fear? It seems to me that the only way to get her past this fear is to go. (I want her to go for the beauty of the Sacrament and because, like us all, she does have sins to confess. For her, it’s “kid stuff”: run-of-the-mill disrespect, unkindness to others etc. No ax-murders etc. )

Also, I do wonder if the whimpering etc., is simply her way of getting out of something she doesn’t want to do.

I tried taking her to the confessional in which she made her confession. No dice. As it happens, the priest to whom she made her First and second Confession happened to be coming to the church as we were leaving that attempt. He tried very, very kindly to hear her confession outside sitting by the flower bed. No dice.

Several weeks ago, I tried taking her to a different priest and confessional (she likes the priest). No dice.

Incidentally, her First Confession and her second (right before First Communion) were made with her class and she was fine. I don’t think she will go with her class again until Lent. And how do I know she won’t freak then? I don’t want her to humiliate herself in that way. Sigh.

I go to Confession regularly, her father (my husband) goes about once a year. I try to prompt her brothers (teenagers) to go more often with varying success.

Your advice, prayers and words of encouragement would be very appreciated.

Thank you and God bless,

 

[Eucharisted]

Perhaps she is afraid she is unworthy of Mercy. Or perhaps she has a major sin and is afraid to admit it. Or perhaps she has learned about the priestly scandal.

 

[Reepicheep]

It may be that she has simply learned a way to avoid something she prefers not to do.
However it does sound as though she has some major fear. In which case you need to find out what causes that fear.
I would suggest some very gentle (but very persistent) questioning as to why she avoids the sacrament.
I would also urge that before you do this you spend some time in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament, and ask the help of both the Blessed Mother and Christ Himself.

 

[Cat]

She’s 8. At eight, some children are still wetting their beds and sucking their thumbs.

At six, our nephew still cries when he drops his candy or when he’s told that it’s bedtime.

Some kids at eight are still afraid of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

She’s just a little girl. Why not give it a rest for several months until she’s more mature? Even though the Church teaches that the Age of Reason is around seven, that isn’t true for all children because all children mature at a different rate.

One possibility is that she read, saw (TV?, computer), or heard something dreadful concerning Confession. It may not have been overtly dreadful (like a scary movie), but something has frightened her. Maybe another child told her a scary story about Confession (it may have been told in innocence, or it may have been a bully who had a malicious intent). It sounds like she wants to go to please you and to do the right thing, hence her willingness to at least get in the line. But when she gets to the door, she can’t. This sounds to me like something scared her bad.

And I’ll be the one to bring this up and hope to God that I am wrong–perhaps the priest in one of her first Sacraments of Reconciliation did or said something innappropriate. It might, I hope to God, not have been intentional on his part, but whatever he said might have been somehow different than what the Religious Educator teacher told her would happen, and it frightened her. E.g., maybe he said something about “pains of hell,” and that scared her. Perhaps the Religious Education director warned the children about pedophiles, and perhaps the priest said some little thing that set off a fear of pedophiles in your child. Or, God forbid, he may have actually done or said something with intent to molest. I hope not, but don’t totally discount the possibility.

At any rate, I would advise letting some time go by and NOT questioning her about it. Make sure that she knows she can come to you anytime with anything, and then drop the subject utterly. Appeal to the Blessed Mother to pray for your daughter–She is the Mother of Mercy and will have compassion on a little girl.

And I would put grandma and grandpa, aunts and uncles, older cousins (female), teachers, coaches, and anyone else that she trusts on alert. She may tell one of them before telling you if a molestation occurred.

Also, do some reading on children’s behavior after sexual molestation or harrassment. There are some behavior changes to watch out for and some red flags. Be a wise parent. It’s very sad that we have to be this way with our children, but these are the times we live in.

 

[paperwight]

I totally agree with the advice not to make an issue of it. I certainly wouldn’t go in for persistent questioning, however gentle. She might tell you in her own time what’s bothering her, she might not.

My goodness me, she’s a little girl. She hasn’t committed any mortal sins, so there’s no need to go to confession anyway. And she’ll be going with the school in a few months time, you say, which she probably won’t have a problem with, based on past experience?

Why the pressure to get her into the box? Chidren grow out of things. Give it time. Full marks for that priest trying to make it easier for her, by the way, but IME, children don’t like to be singled out to do anything different from everyone else.

The suggestion of something awful having happened in the box before is worrying, but has to be faced. alas. Have you thought of casually asking a mother with a child in her class if they have had the same problem? That would be a start, although not conclusive, as a child might be the only victim.

I’d go with the possibility that another child has frightened her by a wild tale of what happens the second time, the more I think about it… Why not have a word with her class-teacher (or whoever prepared her)?

 

[MetalMark]

Confession can be a scary experience for young children. A student at my school said he was terrified at his first Confession because he was afraid the Priest was going to take a stick and beat him or yell at him, and seeing a friend of his come out of the confessional crying didn’t help. (It was revealed, however, after five years, that the reason he was crying was because he was happy.)

Even now I get nervous in the confessional, even sick to my stomach. I feel the burden of sin on me, and I have to get it out. Even when it’s just venial sin (and it usually is just venial sin, extremely rarely have I mortally sinned), it can be nerve-wracking.

Your daughter may just be panicking over the sins she has committed, and is scared to confess them. Remind her that all have sinned and all need to be forgiven, and once you are out of the confessional and done your penance, the sins you have committed in the past are gone and you don’t have to worry anymore.

 

[paperwight]

My point is, though, there’s no need to put the poor little girl through any such nerve-racking ordeal, so why do it?

Venial sins don’t have to be confessed in the Sacrament of Penance, so end of story (for the time being).

 

[zab]

When one of our daughters was about to make her First Communion, she was doing like your daughter is doing now, whimpering while she was in line. When it was her time to go, she pannicked and would not go in the reconcilliation room. Her teacher took her by the arm and was pulling her into the room while telling her “Father won’t bite!” and of course my daughter just fought and cried even more. Father chided the teacher not to force her and let her alone. I sat with her in the pew and tried to comfort her and ease her fears but it wasn’t working. It seemed that there was no way that she was going to make her First Confession that day with the rest of her class. Then I told her to ask the Blessed Mother to pray for her to have the courage to make her Confession. To my amazement, she received that courage and was able to make her First Confession with the rest of her class.
In preparation for Confession, we should ask the Holy Spirit to enlighten our minds or help us to know what our sins and failings are and to have the courage to confess them. we should also pray for our confessor and for all of the priests who will hear our confessions throughout our life time. Recommend to your daughter to ask the Blessed Mother to pray for her to obtain the grace of courage to confess her sins. (Just simply recommend to her to ask the Blessed Mother to pray for her to make a good confession.)

 

[kage_ar]

Let her Catechist and the DRE know about the fear, believe me - she is NOT the only child. I have seen 12 year olds who still bring along a teddy bear for Confession. (Many times, I wish I could bring my teddy bear).

I’m one of those catechists, and remember one little girl - she was soooo afraid. Her teacher stood in line with her, and when they reached the confessional door, the teacher said “Hi Fr. A, this is ____ and she is really scared.” Fr. A looked at the girl and said “So am I!” - she did fine after that.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

It is of course valuable to participate in the sacrament frequently for the graces we receive. However, she really doesn’t have to go more often than once a year. As you say, at 8 she is unlikely to be committing mortal sins. I wouldn’t push it at all any more. Wait and see what happens when her class goes again during Lent.

It may also be that the set up for confession with her class was different than what she experiences when you go to a normal confession time. I know my CCD class has had confession at the church but they also have confession in the school with a screen set up between the priest and penitent. She may just be concerned about the small space and darkness. (Is she afraid of the dark?) Or possibly she was given a prayer for penance that she didn’t know and is upset about that. Happened with one of the girls in my class and she was quite upset.

Pray for her. Teach all your children how to do a simple examination of conscience each night and leave it at that. I would continue to invite the whole family (or at least all the kids) to come along when you go to confession, but you cannot coerce them into actually receiving the sacrament.

 

[paperwight]

However, she really doesn’t have to go more often than once a year. As you say, at 8 she is unlikely to be committing mortal sins. I wouldn’t push it at all any more. Wait and see what happens when her class goes again during Lent.

I’m sorry to have to disagree with you over these two statements, as the rest of your message was so true and helpfully put.

In the first place, she doesn’t even have to go once a year. Nobody has to, unless they are in a state of mortal sin, adults or children.

Secondly, you say ‘she is unlikely to be committing mortal sins’. I would say, she definitely wouldn’t be. Heavens above, we make excuses for grown-ups, querying whether they have full knowledge, full consent and so on. How can we not say the same a hundred times over about an 8 year old?

How can an 8 rear old possibly have any notion of full consent and understanding of mortal sin if many adults are considered incapable?

 

[Matrix_Refugee]

Is the confessional rather dark and is she afraid of the dark? This could be the trigger…

 

[Seatuck]

If a child has been deemed ready for communion then he/sh is deemed to be at the age of reason and therefore able to be discerning sin. 8 year olds are most certainly able to commit mortal sins.Ability to discern the Body and Blood of Christ and the ability to discern sin go hand in hand. Either the child is ready for both or none. This is not to say they don’t need help and are not still growing and learning.

Here are some examinations of conscience for children.

catholicparents.org/oxcart/examinationchild.html

catholicparents.org/oxcart/examinationchild2.html

domestic-church.com/CONTENT.DCC/19990101/SCRMNTL/kidsexam.htm

ainglkiss.com/xam4kids/

To the OP . It may be that you need to wait a while and then try confession again. Just don’t give up and let years past. With kids a few months makes a huge difference in development and maturity.

 

[Beachcomber]

She’s only 8 years old and children (of all ages) don’t always act rationally or are able to articulate what’s really going on with them.

I agree with the posters who mentioned that perhaps she’s afraid of the dark. It can be kind of scarey in the confessional for a kid.

Don’t make too big a deal about it. Leave her be and come back to the matter in a few months. If you keep going on about it, there’s a real possibility that she’s going to be put off by the entire spiritual experience of Reconciliation, mass and communion.

 

[Matrix_Refugee]

Something odd happened to me when I was about eight or nine and going to confession. The confessionals at a local church had a switch under the kneeler which, when you knelt on it, triggered a switch that turned on a red/green light above the door to show if the confessional was occupied by a penitent or not. I was a skinny kid and I was so lightweight, I couldn’t trigger the switch, so more than a few times, someone opened the door behind me and scared me half to death. Did something like this happen to her by any chance?

 

[puzzleannie]

take all the pressure off
don’t ask leading questions like, are you sure you don’t want to go to confession?
Simply announce you are going Saturday afternoon and invite anyone in the family to come with you. Work on communication in general, listening to her verbal and non-verbal signals in general about what is bothering her, be a good listener, non-judgemental, and not quick to suggest a solution if she poses a problem, just listen (this is practice for teenager-hood).

Something is bothering her, and the more you push and ask the less likely she will feel free to tell you. Just work on establishing a non-judgemental climate where she feels free to tell you anything.

There is always a reason for a sudden change like this, but a child’s reason does not always make sense to grown-ups. We had an elderly priest in the parish when our kids were that age, who simply had a gruff exterior, esp. as he was getting a bit deaf, and a lot of the kids in the school were afraid of him, and would not get into “his line” for confession. He turned out to be the kindest, gentlest confessor you can imagine and excelled with those preparing for first confession, but some kids just could not get past his demeanor.

If you sense that she is chewing on some sin she feels she has done, or some other moral dilemma, work on a climate of reconciliation and forgiveness in the family. If you happen to want to apologize to your husband or anyone else for some reason, do it publicly. If you are wrestling with a moral decision, even a relatively minor one, talk it out with her and ask her advice as long as it is appropriate for her age. “I wonder if I sounded mean when I answered Mrs. Smith, I am afraid I hurt her feelings–what do you think?” let her see that adults wrestle with these problems as well.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

I’m sorry to have to disagree with you over these two statements, as the rest of your message was so true and helpfully put.

In the first place, she doesn’t even have to go once a year. Nobody has to, unless they are in a state of mortal sin, adults or children.

Secondly, you say ‘she is unlikely to be committing mortal sins’. I would say, she definitely wouldn’t be. Heavens above, we make excuses for grown-ups, querying whether they have full knowledge, full consent and so on. How can we not say the same a hundred times over about an 8 year old?

How can an 8 rear old possibly have any notion of full consent and understanding of mortal sin if many adults are considered incapable?

Thank you. I agree completely with your corrections!

 

[Bluegoat]

I agree with letting it go for a while.

My aunt and her brother were very frightened of confession as kids. Their family was very pious and they had to go once every two weeks. She and her brother were the age to go with their class, but I suspect weren’t really mature enough to understand some things about sin. Since their house was so strickt, they seldom did bad things and so seldom felt they had anything to confess. So they used to make things up together, being sure to pick seperate sins so it wouldn’t be suspicious.

Anyway, my point is, kids sometimes get some very odd ideas, and although they seem to “get” it, they can actually be way off base. Your daughter could have any number of ideas that have scared her or made her hesitant.

Even if she just doesn’t like it, there probaly isn’t much to be gained by pushing.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

I agree with letting it go for a while.

My aunt and her brother were very frightened of confession as kids. Their family was very pious and they had to go once every two weeks. She and her brother were the age to go with their class, but I suspect weren’t really mature enough to understand some things about sin. Since their house was so strickt, they seldom did bad things and so seldom felt they had anything to confess. So they used to make things up together, being sure to pick seperate sins so it wouldn’t be suspicious.
Anyway, my point is, kids sometimes get some very odd ideas, and although they seem to “get” it, they can actually be way off base. Your daughter could have any number of ideas that have scared her or made her hesitant.

Even if she just doesn’t like it, there probaly isn’t much to be gained by pushing.

Too funny! My mom and one of her sisters used to do this too. Apparently the good nuns said the kids had to go to confession whenever the school went (Catholic school).

To the OP, I can say for sure that feeling like you have to make up sins when you are a child doesn’t translate well into having a good understanding of the sacrament as an adult.

 

[LookingForFaith]

Confession is wicked scary when you’re a kid. You are all by yourself in this dark, small room and telling all your sins and the bad things you did to a priest (And you’re so worried he’s going to yell at you) and you have to try and remember them all…a lot of pressure on an eight year old. (Or at least that’s how I felt at eight…and I still feel sometimes.)

Just leave the subject alone for a while, make sure she knows that you are completely non judgemental and she can come to you for anything. Explain to her that it’s not the priest she’s confessing to, it’s God and God forgives anything…even the really, really big sins.