Help! Annulment advice

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Renewed_N_Faith

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Hi all,

I have been pouring over all sorts of sites and information in hopes of helping my boyfriend in the annulment process. I’m a bit frustrated and heavy hearted - not to me to mentioned a bit lost. I hope this group can help…

My guy and I met in 2010… After what he though was a finalized divorce… After some very negative things (and finding out she hadn’t signed the papers) he finally was able to finalize things. From his telling she was the one that asked for the divorce and was being unfaithful. I told him we couldn’t date until that was completed as I would not date a married man. Even though I was a cradle-catholic I was very uninformed regrading the annulment process, etc. and had been distant from the church for a long time)

He and I dated and he decided to join the catholic faith. I also found stronger faith as we went through the RCIA program together (I did so because I wanted to finally be confirmed.)

It’s now years later and we are talking of marriage. He has spoken with our parish and has the paperwork but his ex (and their mutual acquaintances refuse to bear witness). He is frustrated and being new to the faith is questioning why his joining of the faith did not “wipe his slate clean”. He has said his previous marriage was made in haste and “for the wrong reasons”, that his ex was unfaithful, and their marriage was not a sacramental one. Finding proof however is proving very difficult and he fears he will “pay the fees” only to be rejected.

I am feeling overwhelmed and distraught because a sacramental marriage is something important to me. I love my guy with all my heart and it is to his and God’s credit I returned to the church. Yet, we cannot marry because his troubled past marriage.

He was not catholic when he married her, she had been married once before she married him… Now we wish to move forward and have a marriage blessed and full of what a marriage should be.

I have debated on speaking with our pastor or deacon but I am torn… Feeling it should rightfully be my boyfriend who manages this and it is not my place to question or interfere. I’ve thought of reaching out to his ex (who has since re-married)… Or to find evidence of her previous marriage. I want so much to help my guy… He is new to the faith and feels let down and frustrated in the process.

Please help… This has often brought me to tears. I respect deeply Christ’s value placed on marriage… And find myself wondering why God would lead us to each other and this path only to have such trouble in seeking marriage.
 
I think because of her (ex-wife’s) previous marriage that this does not need the full procedure because she was not free to marry. Call your priest and ask him about that type of case.
 
First, have no fear. Your boyfriend is simply asking the Church to examine the case of his prior marriage, now that he is divorced. 🙂

The ex-spouse is contacted by the official that investigates the case, and they may choose to participate, or not. You and your boyfriend have no control over that. They may even be hostile to the process, again, no control over it.

Just do your best.

I went through this process when I went through RCIA, and while I was fearful about it, and the shame and embarrassment that it would cause me. Note the last. It (my error) would cause me.

I made some bad decisions before I came to the Church. The monsignor that examined my case made comment on that poor judgment and found several reasons that I was not expecting to declare nullity under canon law. It was a humbling, but gentle experience, and the process taught me many good lessons.

And yes, I paid a fee for the nullity procedure. Gladly. Why should the Diocese bear the cost of my past error? 🤷

Talk to your priest about it. And have your boyfriend do so. I felt a great relief after all was done. A sense of peace about the past that I hadn’t felt for years.

Be not afraid.
 
Here’s my advice. Call the Tribunal. Explain the situation and ask for their advice. Your pastor or deacon is not the person who can make the best call on it because most likely he is not a canon lawyer. You can ask to speak to a canon lawyer at the Tribunal. I am a canon lawyer, and I do work at a private firm representing clients for marriage cases. However, I always advise people to first contact their Tribunals.

Why? Most Tribunals have a canonist on duty for the day whose job it is to answer questions. When I worked at Tribunals, I had days when I took all canon law questions because I was the only canonist in the office or the other canonist(s) were not on phone duty for the day. What may seem to you to be an extraordinary situation, we see, day in and day out. Don’t go through the pain of researching all over the place when a simple phone call or visit will get you expert help.
 
Renewed_N_Faith said:
It’s now years later and we are talking of marriage. He has spoken with our parish and has the paperwork but his ex (and their mutual acquaintances refuse to bear witness). He is frustrated and being new to the faith is questioning why his joining of the faith did not “wipe his slate clean”.

I am feeling overwhelmed and distraught because a sacramental marriage is something important to me.

He was not catholic when he married her, she had been married once before she married him… Now we wish to move forward and have a marriage blessed and full of what a marriage should be.

I have debated on speaking with our pastor or deacon but I am torn… Feeling it should rightfully be my boyfriend who manages this and it is not my place to question or interfere.
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Together you and your boyfriend should make an appointment with the priest. Some things you mention about his previous marriage have no effect on getting an annulment. Father will help you understand Church teaching.

Listen to what Father says.

Let the parish “annulment” person help your boyfriend in his annulment process. Whatever he runs into with this process, has already happened to someone else.

Congratulations on your walk in faith together. Know that the Church will help you in your journey.
 
If you are not getting a good response, consider finding another priest in the area who will listen, who might have the ear of the priests at your church. Or go to the diocese itself.

Seems like a matter that should be able to be finalized without the cheating lady involved.
 
Renewed_N_Faith said:
Hi all,

I have been pouring over all sorts of sites and information in hopes of helping my boyfriend in the annulment process. I’m a bit frustrated and heavy hearted - not to me to mentioned a bit lost. I hope this group can help…

My guy and I met in 2010… After what he though was a finalized divorce… After some very negative things (and finding out she hadn’t signed the papers) he finally was able to finalize things. From his telling she was the one that asked for the divorce and was being unfaithful. I told him we couldn’t date until that was completed as I would not date a married man. Even though I was a cradle-catholic I was very uninformed regrading the annulment process, etc. and had been distant from the church for a long time)

He and I dated and he decided to join the catholic faith. I also found stronger faith as we went through the RCIA program together (I did so because I wanted to finally be confirmed.)

It’s now years later and we are talking of marriage. He has spoken with our parish and has the paperwork but his ex (and their mutual acquaintances refuse to bear witness). He is frustrated and being new to the faith is questioning why his joining of the faith did not “wipe his slate clean”. He has said his previous marriage was made in haste and “for the wrong reasons”, that his ex was unfaithful, and their marriage was not a sacramental one. Finding proof however is proving very difficult and he fears he will “pay the fees” only to be rejected.

I am feeling overwhelmed and distraught because a sacramental marriage is something important to me. I love my guy with all my heart and it is to his and God’s credit I returned to the church. Yet, we cannot marry because his troubled past marriage.

He was not catholic when he married her, she had been married once before she married him… Now we wish to move forward and have a marriage blessed and full of what a marriage should be.

I have debated on speaking with our pastor or deacon but I am torn… Feeling it should rightfully be my boyfriend who manages this and it is not my place to question or interfere. I’ve thought of reaching out to his ex (who has since re-married)… Or to find evidence of her previous marriage. I want so much to help my guy… He is new to the faith and feels let down and frustrated in the process.

Please help… This has often brought me to tears. I respect deeply Christ’s value placed on marriage… And find myself wondering why God would lead us to each other and this path only to have such trouble in seeking marriage.
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Your boyfriends ex wife is to be notified of the annulment, but they in no way have t comply with it. I am sure he has his own witnesses. Her uncooperativeness is nothing that should hold it up.
 
with all due respect, this is your boyfriend’s responsibility and you have no standing to participate formally…

you should learn all you can and encourage your boyfriend to begin the petition process but you can’t do the work for him…and in any event, the tribunal isn’t going to involve you in your boyfriend’s case…it’s between him, his ex wife, and any firsthand witnesses they bring forward…
 
There may be a little bit of cart before the horse here. The first thing the tribunal will do is make a determination of the validity of his marriage and then take the next appropriate step. If the marriage wasn’t valid to start with then there is no need for further action. They’ll issue their findings and you go on. He’ll have to provide documentation but the process at this level isn’t too bad.

I too had to have the tribunal make a determination in my case. I had two previous husbands, the first died and the other walked out of our lives more than 20 years ago. I needed to provide documentation that I didn’t have and didn’t know if I could get. God was good and my prayers were answered. I was able to locate the death certificate for my first husband and after more than 20 years I was able to locate husband #2. The real blessing came in that we were able to put the past behind us and make amends. My children finally had the chance to get to know their father and now have a relationship with him. Oh he also helped me get the documents I needed for the tribunal and our marriage was declared invalid.
 
Excuse me? I am a Judge, I am an Advocate by virtue of being a canon lawyer, not by indult, and I am a Defender of the Bond for different Tribunals. There is absolutely nothing wrong for a panicking woman to get some information from professionals. Period. Sure, she’s not the party. Who cares? All she has to say is, I’m Ms. Panicked. I am really concerned about X, Y, Z. She doesn’t have to ask to speak with the people involved with the case- it sounds like the case isn’t even filed yet! Nor would she be able to speak with those involved with the case. But she specifically said that they still have to turn in documents. He’s worried. She’s worried. For goodness sake, just let her ask the Tribunal some questions.

Let me put this another way. If your child gets arrested for something, even though you are not the one on trial, you can get attorneys for them, you can get legal advice on the situation, even though it is not your neck on the line. Maybe it gives you more peace and confidence to be in the know instead of in the dark. Maybe you feel you can be a better mom if you do some consulting so you know more or less where your child is likely to stand. Canon law works the same way. You can consult a canon lawyer about anything. If you are the person with a case, you can have as many advocates/canonists as you want on the case provided you can afford their fees :). If you are worried about someone, you can consult a canonist. It’s one thing to discuss the details of a case with a non-participant by a member of that Constituted Court, and it’s quite another for someone else to discuss the overall details with someone who is providing the information and seeking (name removed by moderator)ut on it.
 
Renewed,
How would your friend feel about your getting involved? Would he feel you are being helpful or stepping in where you shouldn’t be? What would he feel comfortable about your doing?

And pray with him and encourage him to carry on with the process. Encourage him to discuss this with whoever is supposed to be helping him with the process who is probably very knowledgeable about helping people through what is for many a difficult process.

And if you have questions, esp those you think the answers to would help you encourage him, call the Tribunal. Be clear about your position and if they tell you they can’t answer something because it is too specific to the case, ask them if they can answer it in a general way.

I needed some (fininacial) forms for my mother and they said they couldn’t tell me what I needed as I wasn’t on the account, so I asked, can you tell me where the forms are on your site so I can get them for her and she can fill them out? And they were able to do that, and give me a general idea of what I needed. I got an extra form, bit the whole process was at least moved along.

Another problem is sometimes with filling out the forms and feeling discouraged about that. The contact person should be a le to clarify wwhat the minimum information needed is, because sometimes people think they need to put in more than is needed.

Hope all goes well for you two.
 
I am in the process of conversion and getting an annulment. I research before I filed and everything on the internet had me convinced I would need tons of paperwork, a LOT of money, and that it would take a couple years. All not true!

In our diocese the process is free for the Petitioner as it’s paid for through the CSA. In areas where there is a fee for an annulment you can ask for a reduced fee due to financial hardship or can ask to make payments. I only mention that since you mentioned he didn’t want to pay the fees to be denied.

I didn’t need nearly as much paperwork as I thought and the process is expected to take 8-12 months. A long time to wait impatiently, but not as bad as I feared.

The parish and diocese have been nothing but kind and helpful to me. Take the advice to call and speak to someone. There is no harm or violation of anyone’s privacy for you to explain the situation and ask some questions.

Hopefully, it will be an easy process for your man-friend because his ex was previously married.
 
When I came into the church I filed for a decree of nullity based on prior bond. I paid a $100 filing fee. I received my final decree two weeks to the day my Priest mailed my paperwork in.
 
maltmom said:
When I came into the church I filed for a decree of nullity based on prior bond. I paid a $100 filing fee. I received my final decree two weeks to the day my Priest mailed my paperwork in.
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Prior bond and Lack of Form cases tend to have a turnaround time of a couple weeks to a month or so. It is not clear, however, that the OP’s boyfriend would qualify for it depending on the circumstances. That’s why it is very important that she talks to someone who can help sort things out. We all know that in such matters women often do what it takes to smooth the path, and this is what she’s trying to do, even if she doesn’t happen to be the Petitioner herself. A lot of non-Catholics have to be prodded by their fiancees or civil-law spouses for annulments to go through. This is normal. Without knowledge, however, it is a scary and mysterious prospect.
 
Thanks everyone for the considerate thoughts and suggestions. I spoke with my guy… Seems I am over thinking and worrying for naught. My guy has sought clarification regarding his situation and he was honest with me (but gentle) in saying he has it in hand and is working on it - he appreciates my concern.

In a nut-shell…you’re all right in that it is between him, his ex, and the church.

Best move from here is to pray and give this to God and His will be done in our lives. 🙂

We shall see what the future holds.

Many blessings to you all! May the peace of our Lord be with you always.
 
Renewed_N_Faith said:
In a nut-shell…you’re all right in that it is between him, his ex, and the church.
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It’s best left that way. When it comes to annulments, there may be details involved that are relevant to the case that you might not be, nor will be, privy to.
 
TheWarriorMonk said:
It’s best left that way. When it comes to annulments, there may be details involved that are relevant to the case that you might not be, nor will be, privy to.
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Very true, and for good reason. I do not want to be in the middle of anything, merely wanting to actively help if I could in what felt more productive than it weighing on my heart. The forum’s discussions and talking with my guy have helped alleviate some of my questions and worry.

I hope in time we will have a resolution/ decision. Until then I will just have muster the courage to trust in God’s plan…and patience (not always my strong suit). 😉

Again, many thanks!
 
Renewed_N_Faith said:
Very true, and for good reason. I do not want to be in the middle of anything, merely wanting to actively help if I could in what felt more productive than it weighing on my heart. The forum’s discussions and talking with my guy have helped alleviate some of my questions and worry.

I hope in time we will have a resolution/ decision. Until then I will just have muster the courage to trust in God’s plan…and patience (not always my strong suit). 😉

Again, many thanks!
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Patience isn’t my strong suit, either. I know how difficult it can be to stand aside and let someone you care about handle their own business when you want to actively help. Good luck to you and your gentleman. May God’s will be done as speedily as possible!
 
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