Help! - BIG Moral Dilemna re: Vasectomy

[Sakoman]

I am a married man with three children. My wife suffers from a rare disorder called hyperemesis. Basically, she gets extremely ill during the first trimester (sometimes into the second trimester) of pregnancy. She gets so nauseous that she literally vomits several times an hour. So much that she’s had many emergency hospital visits for dehydration. She was so ill during one pregnancy that she almost lost the baby, not to mention being in great danger herself. She’s been bedridden for each pregnancy, which has not only caused her great physical suffering, but has also been very hard on our family since we don’t have much help from relatives or friends. I’ve had to take a lot of time off work to care for her and our other children. She is terrified of getting pregnant again. Not only will her and the baby’s health/lives be in danger, but she won’t be available to mother our young children for an extended period of time.

Here’s my dilemna: she wants me to get a vasectomy. I’m not perfect, but I am trying to be faithful to Church teachings, and I know that vasectomies are mortally sinful. I already know that if I don’t go through with it, she will divorce me. My wife and kids are everything to me - they are my life. I can understand my wife’s point. She is a good standing Catholic woman, and raises our children in such a way. She is just terrified of getting pregnant again. We’ve researched, talked to doctors, but no one can offer us any kind of solution. We also tried NFP, but that’s not an option, for various reasons.

What will happen if I go through with it? We had a big argument about it, in which I was adamant that I will not do it. She basically told me that our marriage will end.

 

[FightingFat]

Crikey! That sounds a bit extreme! Do you have a good spiritual advisor/ parish priest you could discuss this with?

 

[Sakoman]

I’ve gone to my pastor and he just pointed me towards natural family planning. But to be honest, I have not pursued it to the extent that I should with a priest or spiritual advisor. I guess I’ve just been afraid to.

 

[FightingFat]

Morally, you have to consider your actions in light of:

• the object chosen;
• the end in view or the intention;
• the circumstances of the action.

The object, the intention, and the circumstances make up the “sources,” or constitutive elements, of the morality of human acts.

The object chosen is a good toward which the will deliberately directs itself. It is the matter of a human act. The object chosen morally specifies the act of the will, insofar as reason recognizes and judges it to be or not to be in conformity with the true good. Objective norms of morality express the rational order of good and evil, attested to by conscience.

It could be argued that having a vasectomy in this instance is ordered toward saving your marriage; which is a morally good act. However mutilating yourself in order to avoid new life is definitely not a good thing; it is also something you, and your wife might come to regret in the future.

I speak from some experience, I was in a similar position, although my wife was not as vehement, nor as sick as yours. Still we did discuss the choice you outline. I was able to dissuade her through careful reasoned argument and detailed study of what the Church teaches about fertility and sex in marriage and why.

Then our daughter was killed in an accident, and we were both so very glad that we had not chosen to delete our ability to try for another child.

 

[FightingFat]

I’ve gone to my pastor and he just pointed me towards natural family planning. But to be honest, I have not pursued it to the extent that I should with a priest or spiritual advisor. I guess I’ve just been afraid to.

My dear friend, to quote Blessed John Paul II, John Paul the Great:

“Do not be afraid! Open, open wide the doors to Christ!”

We are the Easter people and Hallelujah is our cry!

 

[Sakoman]

FightingFat, thank you for your reply. I hadn’t thought about it in that context. My condolences to you and your wife about your daughter…I pray that you have Peace…

 

[FightingFat]

FightingFat, thank you for your reply. I hadn’t thought about it in that context. My condolences to you and your wife about your daughter…I pray that you have Peace…

Thanks. We do…Sort of…This sort of pain never leaves you…And a new life due in July.

 

[Philotheatoo]

Speaking from experience as well, don’t believe anyone who tells you the vasectomy can be ‘reversed’. It can’t.

 

[DaveBj]

Speaking from experience as well, don’t believe anyone who tells you the vasectomy can be ‘reversed’. It can’t.

Vasectomies can be reversed, but the procedure is expensive, and it is not always successful. Apparently you tried a reversal and it was unsuccessful, but to take your one experience and to apply it universally is wrong.

To get back on topic, OP, you said that you “tried” NPF. I am not intentionally calling your sincerity into question, but how seriously did you try it?

I agree with other posters that the two you need deeper spiritual guidance than you’re going to get on an internet forum. I feel strongly for you and your desire to live for your faith, and because I live with a wife who is ill most of the time, I also feel strongly for your wife and her having to deal with the physiological reactions to pregnancy.

 

[SurlyMermaid]

I have no advice, just prayers and a virtual hug. :hug1: This is the only issue that really troubles me about the Church.

 

[KCT]

Why does she insist you do something? Why doesn’t she?

Believe me, I am not in favor of either procedure, but I find it curious when one spouse insists the other do something.

 

[paperwight66]

Because for a women it involves major surgery, whereas a vasectomy can be done under local anaesthetic. So there’s expense implications, not to mention time off work to recover, and time spent in hospital.

 

[mtbender]

I think the best advice is for you and your spouse to seek council in a priest - go together, and separate as well…

Prayers are with you and your family.

God bless,

 

[FightingFat]

Because for a women it involves major surgery, whereas a vasectomy can be done under local anaesthetic.

Or two bricks.

…Sorry, probably inappropriate…couldn’t resist.

 

[maryjk]

Why does she insist you do something? Why doesn’t she?

Believe me, I am not in favor of either procedure, but I find it curious when one spouse insists the other do something.

Because for a women it involves major surgery, whereas a vasectomy can be done under local anaesthetic. So there’s expense implications, not to mention time off work to recover, and time spent in hospital.

But she is asked him to commit an act what could be mortally sinful. I would have a serious problem with that.

While I wouldn’t encourage my spouse to sin, I also wouldn’t be willing to sin so his conscience can be clear.

 

[KCT]

But she is asked him to commit an act what could be mortally sinful. I would have a serious problem with that.

Exactly. If she is so insistent, let her do what it takes. Why insist that he go against his conscience?

Of course, they should seek the counsel of a good priest. But really, a wife saying the marriage is over if the husband does not become sterilized? That’s blackmail. It sounds as if she’s operating out of fear.

Either way, they need the help of a good priest or faithful, Catholic counselor.

 

[Sakoman]

thank you so far for your responses. My wife has had major surgery several times, including c-sections and others. I guess she could do it, but it would be a hardship with potential complications. Plus I’m not sure what difference it would make - I could not support her doing that to herself either. It’s a mortal sin for a tubal ligation as well. I do think she is operating out of fear. She won’t see a priest, as she can be pretty stubborn and seems to have made her mind up. I plan on seeing one myself however. I am just wondering if there is ever an exception to the teaching on this…does the Church give dispensations or anything like that? This is causing great problems in our marriage and the tension affects our children.

 

[1inICXC]

thank you so far for your responses. My wife has had major surgery several times, including c-sections and others. I guess she could do it, but it would be a hardship with potential complications. Plus I’m not sure what difference it would make - I could not support her doing that to herself either. It’s a mortal sin for a tubal ligation as well. I do think she is operating out of fear. She won’t see a priest, as she can be pretty stubborn and seems to have made her mind up. I plan on seeing one myself however. I am just wondering if there is ever an exception to the teaching on this…does the Church give dispensations or anything like that? This is causing great problems in our marriage and the tension affects our children.

No, the Church can never teach that sometimes it’s ok to not love or to disobey God.
John Paul II said that “saying that contraception is sometimes ok is like saying that sometimes God is not God”. the Church will be the last standing entity to ever say that.

There is complete abstinence and there is NFP. There are many methods of NFP, some very similar, but you will need to abstain while you perfect one if you absolutely do not want to risk, which seems to be the case. Having said that, EVERY method has a failure rate, as minute as it might be.

God gave us the power to love and sacrifice beyond measure, just as He did. It is tempting to shy away, but what a reward awaits those who don’t !

 

[CroCatholic]

As a mother of 4, our most recent born in May of this year, let me assure you that having your “tubes tied” is no longer a huge deal. It’s day surgery and they no longer cut you open, it’s all done laparoscopically (sp?). I know this because my ob/gyn shoved a whole bunch of leaflets about vasectomy and female sterilization at me after our last was born… In all seriousness though, this is an issue you both need to address. If you can find a catholic therapist, it may help. I don’t want to discourage anyone from talking with their priests, but in the past I’ve found that some lack insight into the actual, real emotion and feelings that occur between married couples… Through no fault of their own, of course.

 

[KCT]

I guess she could do it, but it would be a hardship with potential complications. Plus I’m not sure what difference it would make - I could not support her doing that to herself either. It’s a mortal sin for a tubal ligation as well.

You don’t have to support her doing it, and you can love her even if she does. The difference is that you would not be sinning.

Not that your wife sinning is a good thing – don’t get me wrong. But if my husband asked me to do something immoral, I would have to ask myself - “Am I going to offend my husband or God?” I would offend my husband.

If she is intent on someone being sterilized, she should be willing to offend God and not ask you to do it. (but again, if she’s acting out of fear, she’s probably not thinking things through)