Help convincing my husband to drink less

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PartoftheBody

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My husband drinks normally drinks heavily: the equivalent of 10-12 drinks per day. He’s given up alcohol for lent, which is great Monday through Saturday, but then Sundays he insists we go to the earliest Mass possible so he can start drinking after that. Today, he drank the equivalent of ~20 shots at home over the course of the day (he finished 80% of a fifth of vodka by himself).

The thing is we have a month old baby, and I’m scared when he holds the baby after drinking so much. I’ve tried to talk with him about limiting to 3 drinks per day while he’s caring for the baby, but any time I mention anything about how much he drinks, I get the cold shoulder, yelled at, or told I have “weird hang-ups” about alcohol.

I know I have to protect my baby, but I don’t really know how at this point. Over the last month, Monday-Saturday he’s been a model father and a big help and support to me. I’m dreading the end of Lent, though!
I’ve thought about enlisting other friends and family of his to talk with him about his drinking, but I’m not sure if that will help. Plus, I’m the only one who knows just how much he drinks, since he does it at home. I even thought about asking for help from the guy at the liquor store he goes to.

I’ve been praying several times a day for him, but any other ideas for things that could work to convince him to cut down?
BTW, I need some advice besides leaving my husband. For one thing, it’s physically impossible for at least 2 weeks since I’m still recovering from a C-section. Plus, I really don’t want to leave him, I just want to get through to him about the alcohol.
 
You must realise that your husband is an alcoholic. You are not alone in trying to convince someone that there is something seriously wrong. Are there any male friends who can talk to him? If he can give up this amount of drinking for Lent then he is a better Catholic than I am. Could you get the priest to discuss it with him?
Many people use alcohol free days to get used to laying off the booze. It could be part of a continued family tradition to give up something for God’ intentions. He sounds like a really good man and deserves your support. AA may be too much a jump in any recognition of his condition. He needs a man to man talk from a mate.
You could talk about saving for a holiday and giving up some stuff etc without nagging.
Good Luck.
 
Depending on how expensive his drinks are is he is probably spending between 300-400 a month on alcohol. Try and explain to him that that money would be better spent by putting it towards paying of your house or towards college for your child. Another advantage of drinking less would also be more consciousness and more time for activities. When you drink enough to tranquilize a small horse you don’t do much besides laze around the house and sleep.
 
You cannot make someone stop drinking. You didn’t cause it, and you can’t cure it.

Here is help for you: al-anon.alateen.org

Al-Anon is a free anonymous 12 Step support group for family and friends of alcoholics.

Al-Anon will help give you peace of mind whether or not the alcoholic in your life gets sober or not.

God bless you.
 
Will leaving him help him or pass the “problem” (not offensively) to others!??

Have faith and seek to know what God wants you to learn from this.

Yes, HAVE FAITH, and receive the situation as a gift!

As a Christian marriage, a Sacrament (basically supposed to be), you have an “apostolate” to do!

Glad to hear that he does this at home!🙂

Praying for you too…
 
anonymous_in_fl said:
You cannot make someone stop drinking. You didn’t cause it, and you can’t cure it.

Here is help for you: al-anon.alateen.org

Al-Anon is a free anonymous 12 Step support group for family and friends of alcoholics.

Al-Anon will help give you peace of mind whether or not the alcoholic in your life gets sober or not.

God bless you.
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I agree with this. Also get some books on co-dependence and enabling. Most addicts have someone that enables (often unwittingly) their addiction. An example of enabling behavior is when a wife calls in sick for her husband when he has a hangover. Here is a list from a website. It’s from a simple search and is by know means the definitive list, but you get the idea.

Repeatedly bailing them out – of jail, financial problems, other “tight spots” they get themselves into
Giving them “one more chance” – …then another…and another
Ignoring the problem – because they get defensive when you bring it up or your hope that it will magically go away
Joining them in the behavior when you know they have a problem with it – Drinking, gambling, etc.,
Joining them in blaming others – for their own feelings, problems, and misfortunes
Accepting their justifications, excuses and rationalizations – “I’m destroying myself with alcohol because I’m depressed”.
Avoiding problems – keeping the peace, believing a lack of conflict will help
Doing for them what they should be able to do for themselves -
Softening or removing the natural consequences of the problem behavior
Trying to “fix” them or their problem
Repeatedly coming to the “Rescue”
Trying to control them or their problem
 
Hi PartoftheBody,

I’m so sorry to hear about your troubles. Your husband is definitely an alcoholic.

You might considering contacting the AA and explaining the issue and asking them for help.

The bottom line is you can’t force him to change, he has to want to change.
 
WOW! THat’s a lot of drinking!

He lkely does have a problem.

I used to drink excessively but have made a lot of progress. I have also given up alcohol for lent.

I also don’t drink if I am caring for the kids alone.
 
You can tell him he will die 30 years earlier than his life expectancy. It will be a slow and painful death. Don’t let him drive…EVER. If he does tell you he will “stop” he will smuggle alcohol into the house. Most alcoholics end up drinking Listerine (it’s 54 proof). They also drink hand sanatizer. If he starts wearing sunglasses both inside and outside he is trying to hide his bloodshot eyes. If his stomach is enlarged it’s probably too late to help him. He will need extended hospital stays just to keep him alive…but he will still die very eatly. I don’t mean to sound harsh…I lost my best friend to alcholism…he was only 49.

There is really nothing you can do. He has to want to help himself. You can refer him to AA. Expect to be yelled at for no reason. Expect for him to beg you to get him some alcohol. He will probably end up losiing his license and losing his job. There is an excellent book called “Tough Love” by Phillis and David York. Don’t be an enabler.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I will be praying for both you and your husband.
 
Your husband is an alcoholic.

Contact Al-Anon as soon as possible for support for YOURSELF.

Don’t fool yourself into thinking there is something that if you just did or said it, things woud change. You are not going to convince him to drink less. He needs professional help.
 
Wa_Michael said:
Will leaving him help him or pass the “problem” (not offensively) to others!??

Have faith and seek to know what God wants you to learn from this.

Yes, HAVE FAITH, and receive the situation as a gift!

As a Christian marriage, a Sacrament (basically supposed to be), you have an “apostolate” to do!

Glad to hear that he does this at home!🙂

Praying for you too…
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Are you kidding me? Do you say the same thing to a woman that is being beaten? See what God is trying to teach you, while you dodge blows?

OP, what you husband is doing is not normal. You are not going to be able to convince him to drink less.

Whether Al-Anon is the place for you, only you can say. But Al-Anon or somewhere else, you need to get help. And you need to protect your baby.
 
Wow, that is a lot of alcohol… What makes him think he can drink on Sundays during lent?

What I do like is that he can turn off the switch 6 days a week, that a good sign. I suggest the AA anonymous group for him. Also do some research and show him what he is doing to his body when he drinks…maybe looking at some pictures will help???

Personally, I would not trust him holding or taking care of the baby once he starts drinking. You are and have to the protector of the baby. I am. It sure how he is when he’s drunk, angry, a comic, violent, clumsy, or sleepy. But I would not trust him around the baby and not certainly hold the baby…

Maybe counseling would help you and him work on this together. Try to support him as much as possible.
 
Not every person who abuses alcohol is or will become an alcoholic. Many people go years abusing alcohol daily and then stop or drink moderately all on their own. He may be an alcoholic for all I know, but I wouldn’t go jumping to conclusions about his ability to stop abusing alcohol. I recommend Moderation Management if you’re looking for help that doesn’t identify with the disease model of alcoholism.
 
You can’t convince him of anything. You aren’t responsible for him.

Get to an AL-ANON meeting ASAP! Or you can even find one online. Just get there because if you had gone to at least one of these meetings you wouldn’t be asking this question.

You can love your husband the most by attending a meeting. And let him know you are attending a meeting if you feel safe doing so. He might wake up from that. My husband did.
 
Burt_Macklin said:
Not every person who abuses alcohol is or will become an alcoholic. Many people go years abusing alcohol daily and then stop or drink moderately all on their own. He may be an alcoholic for all I know, but I wouldn’t go jumping to conclusions about his ability to stop abusing alcohol. I recommend Moderation Management if you’re looking for help that doesn’t identify with the disease model of alcoholism.
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👍
 
Dacinom said:
I am sorry that you are going through this.

Contacting other family members and friends will accomplish nothing other than bring shame to your husband for something he has little control over. Alcoholism is an illness, he needs help. I am guessing that he has not been completely sober during Lent. Going from 10-12 drinks per day down to zero…he would have likely been shaking and having other physical withdrawal symptoms. Therefore my best guess is he has been sneaking just to maintain a level of alcohol in his system. I say this based on years of experience living with this in my life.

It is best not to mention anything to the liquor store staff either. Legally they cannot be bound to refuse a sale to someone, just because their wife comes in and complains. You can see how they would want to stay out of family drama can’t you?

Please take the advice of others and check out Al-Anon. You are not alone. You need to find ways to cope with this. Most importantly though, you cannot allow your husband to have any contact with the baby while he is drinking. Therefore, your husband cannot have any contact with the baby. I would not allow your husband to carry the baby and walk with the baby. Perhaps you can let him hold the baby in his arms in the chair, but not let him walk? The odds of him stumbling are too great. Please take a stand, I know it is hard. Please be assured of my prayers. God bless you.
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My husband used to drink like her husband, consuming enormous amounts of alcohol and then teetotaling for weeks if he was ill or something, and never had one symptom of alcohol withdrawal. When he finally quit after 45 years of heavy drinking he did it cold turkey and never had a symptom. He also quit cigarettes (21/2 PPD) at the same time and missed the cigarettes more than the booze. His motivation–he had a stroke. He survived neurologically intact, but never did go back to drinking or smoking, It usually takes some sort of event to get to the point where one wants to quit.

The best thing I ever did was go to Al-anon. I survived 42 years of marriage to this man and found God because of Al-anon. But it didn’t do a thing for my husband–it’s not intended to.
 
Burt_Macklin said:
Not every person who abuses alcohol is or will become an alcoholic. Many people go years abusing alcohol daily and then stop or drink moderately all on their own. He may be an alcoholic for all I know, but I wouldn’t go jumping to conclusions about his ability to stop abusing alcohol. I recommend Moderation Management if you’re looking for help that doesn’t identify with the disease model of alcoholism.
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You are right that many folks don’t believe in the disease model. THere are a few different ways to tackle a drinking problem.

AA, SMART recovery, and Moderation Management are big ones.

This man is going to want to do it on his own thought. He’s has to decide he has a problem and no matter what; we can all agree that this man does have a drinking problem.
 
First of all I’m praying for you and your husband. I abused alcohol for a large part of my life, went thru rehab more than once, lost nearly everything and am still paying for my screwups. They say you have to hit bottom to know you have a problem. I was lucky to be in the military when my drinking really started to unravel. I was given an ultimatum by Uncle Sam - get off the sauce or get out. So if your hubby has a real problem he vary likely won’t acknowledge it until something he considers “bad” happens. No idea what that might be but you may find yourself having to call the police on him if he is a danger to himself and others. It seems harsh but many have been sobered up by the law getting involved.

God bless and good luck.
 
I asked one of my girlfriends who is a doctor about this. She said with the amount he’s drinking it doesn’t matter if you want to call it alcoholism or not. He’s destroying his brain and internal organs. She said it’s a recipe to die very young.

My grandfather drank like this and he was dead by 56. He had an IQ of 165, made good money as an engineer/contracts negotiator, and was talented at many things. In his last three years, he was super emotional (like a 2 yr old), made little sense, wet himself, and couldn’t work. His autopsy revealed a brain that was shriveled and had holes in it. It was horrible for my father to watch, but because his father had always been under control (never drunk), he didn’t realize how bad it was.

You are under no obligation to change him because you cannot. You must take care of yourself and your baby. That is your obligation. Tell your family and/or friends what is going on and get support. You cannot be expected to do this on your own. If it shames him then that is a consequence of his choices, but keeping it secret helps no one. I wish you the best.
 
anonymous_in_fl said:
You cannot make someone stop drinking. You didn’t cause it, and you can’t cure it.

Here is help for you: al-anon.alateen.org

Al-Anon is a free anonymous 12 Step support group for family and friends of alcoholics.

Al-Anon will help give you peace of mind whether or not the alcoholic in your life gets sober or not.

God bless you.
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This so much. I have struggled with my dad’s drinking an Al-Anon was a great group for me to learn to deal with it.

Similarly, many many people first come to Al-Anon to get their spouse/loved one/etc. to stop drinking and one of the first steps to coping is really coming to the cold realization there is NO WAY to stop another person from drinking.
 
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