Help: Dating, Asperger's, BPD and other chaos making my heard hurt

[WonderAndAwe]

My ex-girlfriend (first and only GF overall) has borderline personality disorder from very traumatic neglect during her early childhood. Our relationship was rather rocky and unhealthy due to bad timing (she had moved from out of town to a new adult foster care home and was in a rough place emotionally) and we broke up back in January per the stern recommendation of my mom. In April she started dating a friend of mine and said that they were engaged in late May and want to get married in December. I of course objected to this wholeheartedly due to the issue of neither of them being ready in the most utilitarian of ways: neither live on their own or have full time employment. And get this: she says she’s still in love with me.
I care about her deeply and have also been helping her cultivate a faith in the One Who Cannot Abandon, Christ Jesus. I haven’t discounted the idea of getting back into a relationship with her due to my want to be Christlike with forgiveness and second chances in regard to her, but also because I don’t want to be black and white with the future since I don’t know what the future holds.
I wouldn’t mind never dating her again either, but since she has told me that she trusts me, feels safe with me, feels like she’s at home, I don’t know what to do. I care about her and I want her to be happy and safe, as I do with anyone it care about, but what she wants I’m unsure if I was destined to provide. I’m terrified of making the wrong choice, both here and in almost all situations which is why I mentioned my mom earlier because I feel like she inherently knows best about everything. Literally, I sometimes feel like I have to ask her permission to buy a $12 Transformers Beast Machines figure off of eBay despite me not living at home anymore, having the money to afford such a purchase and living in truly foster care and being on SSI resulting in me having virtually no expenses.

There’s so much stuff weighing in on this scenario that the only solution feels like moving to Idaho and going off the grid so I don’t end up getting info on the developments back home despite that plan being absurd hyperbole considering the situation. What’s a 20 year old guy with Asperger’s to do?

 

[Xantippe]

My ex-girlfriend (first and only GF overall) has borderline personality disorder from very traumatic neglect during her early childhood. Our relationship was rather rocky and unhealthy due to bad timing (she had moved from out of town to a new adult foster care home and was in a rough place emotionally) and we broke up back in January per the stern recommendation of my mom. In April she started dating a friend of mine and said that they were engaged in late May and want to get married in December. I of course objected to this wholeheartedly due to the issue of neither of them being ready in the most utilitarian of ways: neither live on their own or have full time employment. And get this: she says she’s still in love with me.
I care about her deeply and have also been helping her cultivate a faith in the One Who Cannot Abandon, Christ Jesus. I haven’t discounted the idea of getting back into a relationship with her due to my want to be Christlike with forgiveness and second chances in regard to her, but also because I don’t want to be black and white with the future since I don’t know what the future holds.
I wouldn’t mind never dating her again either, but since she has told me that she trusts me, feels safe with me, feels like she’s at home, I don’t know what to do. I care about her and I want her to be happy and safe, as I do with anyone it care about, but what she wants I’m unsure if I was destined to provide. I’m terrified of making the wrong choice, both here and in almost all situations which is why I mentioned my mom earlier because I feel like she inherently knows best about everything. Literally, I sometimes feel like I have to ask her permission to buy a $12 Transformers Beast Machines figure off of eBay despite me not living at home anymore, having the money to afford such a purchase and living in truly foster care and being on SSI resulting in me having virtually no expenses.

There’s so much stuff weighing in on this scenario that the only solution feels like moving to Idaho and going off the grid so I don’t end up getting info on the developments back home despite that plan being absurd hyperbole considering the situation. What’s a 20 year old guy with Asperger’s to do?

Slow down.

You know your ex-girlfriend is bad news. Think about your future and work on your skills and aim higher. There’s nothing you’ve said about your ex-girlfriend that makes it sound like she will make a good wife or a good mother or even a good friend. Give your friend and her a lot of space and keep busy. And definitely avoid being alone with her.

Also, let’s be careful about self-deception and not being especially forgiving and Christian to attractive people we have romantic feelings for. Try to find objects for your compassion that aren’t cute girls that you have feelings for.

For the future, look for somebody that you don’t have to pick up and carry emotionally or in any other way. If you marry, there will be times when both of you will have to take turns doing that, but if you have to start that way and keep doing it forever, it’s going to be a long life for you.

Best wishes!

 

[Irishmom2]

Sounds like your mom has a good understanding of you and your ex.

Listen to your mom. This girl is not your responsibility. Let her live her life in her own way, regardless of the consequences. If she is ready to marry someone else, she should not be telling you that she is still in love with you. Let her go and lose contact with her. She is just playing games. You should try to find someone that is not so problematic, and try and figure out what you want for your own life, and what you see yourself doing down the road.

 

[PennyinCanada]

Your ex girlfriend started dating in April, got engaged in May, wants to get married in December, and then says she still loves you. She is a train wreck happening!

Your mom who knows you best, loves you best, than anyone on the internet, and is the person who you should really trust here. Leave your ex to her own decisions and you make the decision to work toward the goal of being the best person you can be. Don’t be pulled into her tornado.

God bless and guide you today.

 

[jazzy0710]

Your ex girlfriend started dating in April, got engaged in May, wants to get married in December, and then says she still loves you. She is a train wreck happening!

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AGREED!!!

My FIL is married to a woman who has never been diagnosed but shows classic symptoms of someone with BPD.

They have been married for approximately 3 years.

They dated for a little over a year. They got engaged Christmas 2010. They were married by April 2011.

In September 2010 her Mother died and she came into some money that was left to her in the will. Not exacty sure how much it was but it was definitely over 50 grand. She had quit her job when she got the money and claimed she couldn’t work anymore anyway because of her fibromyalgia. SHE BLEW EVERY SINGLE CENT!

They had their wedding in Las Vegas. When they came back my SIL was very upset with my FIL for lying to her about getting married.(My SIL lived with my FIL at the time). She was so upset with him for lying that she left for a week and a half. My FIL’s wife went absolutely ballistic on my FIL because of my SIL being mad at him. She demanded that he get rid of his house or leave his daughter(who is disabled) in the house and come live with her in a trailer outside of town once she sold her house.

So she bought a trailer which they only lived in for like 6 months and then moved into an apartment back in town.

They went to many restaurants, hotels, B&B’s, the Casino, ordered take out, bought lavish gifts for people, etc. She also went through several different cars. They went to Vegas one other time besides their wedding. They also went to Boston and Mexico. One of the lavish gifts she bought was a car worth 30 grand for her son who can’t even be bothered to come visit her.

She has quite a mouth on her. No filter at all. Never thinks before she speaks and because of that my FIL has lost many of his friends. He has numerous brothers and sisters who don’t visit him either because of this woman. She wants to be included in absolutely everything that he does. She hates being alone. Because of her mouth at one point I wouldn’t speak to her for a year and a half.

She’s ruined 2 Christmases in a row because of her wow is me nobody loves me drama.

She has totally destroyed my FIL’s credit. He should have had his house paid off already and because of her that didn’t happen. She doesn’t work at all. Can’t get disability. So she sits at home all day and plays on facebook.

I now have a 2 month old son so she has come around again. She calls me almost everyday. If she can’t get a hold of me the next time she talks to me she wants to know where I was and what I was doing the last time she called and if I was out was my son with me or did I leave him with a babysitter. If he’s at my Mom’s house she gets mad at me and tells me that she told me time and time again that she told me she’d do it. She wants me to come and get her and bring her along when I run errands because she is bored. She texts me continuously and swimming which is a family activity for me and my husband and son only she wants to come along to. I’m happy that she is talking to m husband and I but we both feel so smothered.

This is what my husband and I and my FIL and SIL deal with EVERY SINGLE DAY. So if you decide you want to be with this woman I hope it’s nothing like this LOL.