Help, DH has fallen away!

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pamnbam

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I don’t know if I just need prayers, someone to hear me out, or what. I have a few issues going on here. If you can help with one or all, that would be great!
  1. DH and I are converts to the Church. I converted in '03 before we met, and he converted in '06. After converting, he didn’t really practice very much outside of going to Mass, receiving the sacrament of the Eucharist, and going to confession when I suggested it. He has never done anything to attempt to learn more about the faith, including precepts of the Church (he never knew purposely missing Mass on Sunday was a sin), common prayers most Catholics should know, etc. Part of me wondered if he converted just to get married to me, and a few days ago, he admitted that he did convert partially to marry me. Does this invalidate our marriage? I was his RCIA sponsor, so was I responsible for teaching him his prayers and making sure he went to confession, etc. (mind you, this is all after his conversion. Did I go wrong somewhere?!
  2. He’s leaving the Church because he feels that the Church doesn’t allow him to exercise his free choice and opinion as a US citizen. Basically, he can’t see why it was a sin to vote for Obama, even though my DH is totally pro-life. We both thought we could justify voting for O, but after having it explained to me, I realized what I did was wrong and went to confession. DH refuses to have the Church “tell” him how to vote. I’ve tried to explain the morality of it all, but it just hasn’t worked. What else can I do to get him to understand??
  3. We’re good friends with the priest who confirmed/married us and baptized our son. He’s now at another parish about 30 minutes from us. We do visit him from time to time and all meet for dinner sometimes. I trust him very much and feel as if I should implore his advice/confide in him or something. On the other hand, I feel as if I would be betraying my husband because we’re both close to the priest. The priest has explained the Catholic voting position to us before, but DH won’t budge. Should I go talk to the priest? I don’t want my marriage to fall apart because of this. Also, I don’t want to take away from his time with his new parish, since I’m not really his parishioner anymore. Ideas on this one?
Bless you for getting through this and I appreciate any advice you have for me.
 
I hope and pray you will have a happy resolution to your situation.
pamnbam said:
  1. He’s leaving the Church because he feels that the Church doesn’t allow him to exercise his free choice and opinion as a US citizen.
Code: 
Basically, he can't see why it was a sin to vote for Obama
, even though my DH is totally pro-life.
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Who told him that it was? :confused:

tee
 
tee_eff_em said:
Who told him that it was? :confused:
Click to expand...
Our current priest, our former priest (when we asked him about what the current priest said), a guest priest from Priests for Life. . .

No, we didn’t vote because the candidate was pro-abortion. We actually thought he could do the most good for the country overall (health care, war, economy, etc.).

But we were told that abortion, among a few other things, were “non-negotiable voting issues,” and that no Catholic in good conscience can vote for a pro-choice candidate, even amongst other issues which seem to bring about “the greater good.”

I can’t say that I fully understand it, but I can kind of see the logic. Unborn babies present no danger to anyone and are totally innocent, therefore it’s our job to protect them when no one else (their own mothers, politicians, etc.) will. It still seems to undermine all other social issues, but I can sort of understand why. Without being born, there are no other human rights. I’m willing to just trust God on this one.
 
pamnbam said:
I don’t know if I just need prayers, someone to hear me out, or what. I have a few issues going on here. If you can help with one or all, that would be great!
  1. DH and I are converts to the Church. I converted in '03 before we met, and he converted in '06. After converting, he didn’t really practice very much outside of going to Mass, receiving the sacrament of the Eucharist, and going to confession when I suggested it. He has never done anything to attempt to learn more about the faith, including precepts of the Church (he never knew purposely missing Mass on Sunday was a sin), common prayers most Catholics should know, etc. Part of me wondered if he converted just to get married to me, and a few days ago, he admitted that he did convert partially to marry me. Does this invalidate our marriage? I was his RCIA sponsor, so was I responsible for teaching him his prayers and making sure he went to confession, etc. (mind you, this is all after his conversion. Did I go wrong somewhere?!
  2. He’s leaving the Church because he feels that the Church doesn’t allow him to exercise his free choice and opinion as a US citizen. Basically, he can’t see why it was a sin to vote for a particular candidate, even though my DH is totally pro-life. We both thought we could justify voting for this guy, but after having it explained to me, I realized what I did was wrong and went to confession. DH refuses to have the Church “tell” him how to vote. I’ve tried to explain the morality of it all, but it just hasn’t worked. What else can I do to get him to understand??
  3. We’re good friends with the priest who confirmed/married us and baptized our son. He’s now at another parish about 30 minutes from us. We do visit him from time to time and all meet for dinner sometimes. I trust him very much and feel as if I should implore his advice/confide in him or something. On the other hand, I feel as if I would be betraying my husband because we’re both close to the priest. The priest has explained the Catholic voting position to us before, but DH won’t budge. Should I go talk to the priest? I don’t want my marriage to fall apart because of this. Also, I don’t want to take away from his time with his new parish, since I’m not really his parishioner anymore. Ideas on this one?
Bless you for getting through this and I appreciate any advice you have for me.
Click to expand...
 
You might want to post this in a political area of the board, or Moral Theology.

While I could not have voted for someone who was so cuddly with the radical pro-abort movement as one canidate was in the past election… I’d advise you to read the Bishops website.
 
pamnbam said:
Our current priest, our former priest (when we asked him about what the current priest said), a guest priest from Priests for Life. . .

No, we didn’t vote because the candidate was pro-abortion. We actually thought he could do the most good for the country overall (health care, war, economy, etc.).

But we were told that abortion, among a few other things, were “non-negotiable voting issues,” and that no Catholic in good conscience can vote for a pro-choice candidate, even amongst other issues which seem to bring about “the greater good.”

I can’t say that I fully understand it, but I can kind of see the logic. Unborn babies present no danger to anyone and are totally innocent, therefore it’s our job to protect them when no one else (their own mothers, politicians, etc.) will. It still seems to undermine all other social issues, but I can sort of understand why. Without being born, there are no other human rights. I’m willing to just trust God on this one.
Click to expand...
Your Priest is wrong, the Church did not tell (although a few Bishops and Priests did) anyone who to vote for this election.

If FACT the voters guide showed that neither candidate, if you did your research as it suggested, was truly a “Pro-Life” candidate.

Interestingly enough our Pastor talked a great deal about social justice, the poor etc… AND abortion when the guide was released which seemed to confuse a lot of our Parish.

From this board it seems like many other Priests did the same thing.

What the Church wanted to make sure of, IMHO, was that people voted first of all and secondly that the actually looked at the issues. Abortion should ALWAYS be our number one issue and Obama was definitely farther on the wrong side of that issue than the other candidate. However there are many other precepts of the Church which our President elect supported in opposition to the other Candidates.

Priests and the Priesthood should always be held in very high esteem and we should definitely consider their words. However they are still just men. Ordained and usually very Holy men… but men nonetheless who are able to be misinformed even when they have the best of intentions.

There is a link somewhere on this site to a video version of the voters guide, if you can find it, let your husband watch it and tell him that no matter what your Priest nor anyone in your Parish said, the Church did not tell you who you had to vote for but rather made suggestions to help you make the correct decision. If you did the research and prayed for God’s guidance then I don’t believe anyone should be able to tell you what or who you voted for was wrong unless your ONLY reason for supporting Obama was because he was Pro-Choice.

Interestingly enough while some Priests were telling their Parishes it was a sin that next Sunday, our Pope had already had a lengthy discussion with our President elect.

My hope is that FOCA is not passed, I truly do not believe it will be, but what I do believe is that you will see many other teachings of our faith put into practice under the new administration.

You guys are in my prayers, please do not let the misinformation of a few turn you or your husband from the Truth of Christ’s Church.

Joe
 
Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut so far, guys. I really don’t want to turn this into a political thread; I’m more concerned with my husband leaving the Church. Any ideas about the other issues? If anyone still wants to comment on #2, I’m fine with that, too. Thanks!
 
To your first point, in the RCIA’s I’ve been involved with it is very much discouraged for a spouse or boy/girl friend to be a sponsor. To have someone else, with whom the convert can discuss things objectively, is important.

Does your husband have any Catholic friends? Someone he can talk to, ask questions of, without you around? Some good male bonding might be just the ticket.
 
Neither of us really have any Catholic friends. I know a few people in the parish, but not extremely well, and they’re much older than we; they have grand (and great-grand) kids. DH was approached by a knight to join K of C, but the men in our chapter are all much older. I’m not really sure why DH didn’t want to join. Maybe the age factor, maybe he’s just not that into Catholicism. I don’t really know.
 
The idea that one must only have friends who fall within a 3 year range based on our age is baffling to me. I have friends from teenagers into their 80’s. Guess that is what I get for being homeschooled 🙂

Back to the topic. Is your husband a history guy? If he is, look into getting Steve Ray’s “Footprints of God” DVDs.

Look in your bulletin for something you can get involved with, a pro life group, St Vincent de Paul, visiting the shut ins - something where you and your husband can get involed with people in the Parish. That is the natural way friendships grow.

I’d also suggest some books:

Madrid “Search and Rescue”

Kelly “Rediscovering Catholicism”

author slips my mind… “Converting the Baptized”

And, be an example of joyful Catholicism.
 
Dear OP,

I will keep you in my prayers. I recommend the book A Biblical Defense of Catholicism by Steve Ray.

Correcting his understanding on the voting issue might also help. He might be misunderstanding something.

Is there a way you could attend Mass at a different Parish? Finding some strong Catholic male role models closer in age might be useful. Please keep praying and don`t give up. A novena to St. Monica or St. Jude (or both!) would very beneficial.

I will keep your family in my prayers.

Sincerely,

Maria1212
 
jwashu said:
Your Priest is wrong, the Church did not tell (although a few Bishops and Priests did) anyone who to vote for this election.

If FACT the voters guide showed that neither candidate, if you did your research as it suggested, was truly a “Pro-Life” candidate.

Interestingly enough our Pastor talked a great deal about social justice, the poor etc… AND abortion when the guide was released which seemed to confuse a lot of our Parish.

From this board it seems like many other Priests did the same thing.

What the Church wanted to make sure of, IMHO, was that people voted first of all and secondly that the actually looked at the issues. Abortion should ALWAYS be our number one issue and Obama was definitely farther on the wrong side of that issue than the other candidate. However there are many other precepts of the Church which our President elect supported in opposition to the other Candidates.

Priests and the Priesthood should always be held in very high esteem and we should definitely consider their words. However they are still just men. Ordained and usually very Holy men… but men nonetheless who are able to be misinformed even when they have the best of intentions.

There is a link somewhere on this site to a video version of the voters guide, if you can find it, let your husband watch it and tell him that no matter what your Priest nor anyone in your Parish said, the Church did not tell you who you had to vote for but rather made suggestions to help you make the correct decision. If you did the research and prayed for God’s guidance then I don’t believe anyone should be able to tell you what or who you voted for was wrong unless your ONLY reason for supporting Obama was because he was Pro-Choice.

Interestingly enough while some Priests were telling their Parishes it was a sin that next Sunday, our Pope had already had a lengthy discussion with our President elect.

My hope is that FOCA is not passed, I truly do not believe it will be, but what I do believe is that you will see many other teachings of our faith put into practice under the new administration.

You guys are in my prayers, please do not let the misinformation of a few turn you or your husband from the Truth of Christ’s Church.

Joe
Click to expand...
Im pretty sure your wrong about this. Just because the pope talked with Obama doesn’t mean anything. It is morally objectionable to have supported him with money or a vote. Even the OP understood that.
 
The fact that he’s converted halfheartedly does not affect your your sacramental marriage. As a matter of fact, he didn’t even have to be Catholic for it to be valid, much less to vote well. It could indeed be sinful to vote for BO, but it doesn’t look like either of you sinned by voting for him, especially because McCain regrettably wasn’t 100% pro-life.

But it seems to me that some things were missing not only from his conversion but also from your life as a Catholic couple. How is your prayer life together, even if only saying grace before meals? Have you talked to him about your prayer life and your spiritual readings or insights? Have you both been actively participating in your parish life? In other words, how has the Catholic faith permeated your married life as a couple outside of Mass?

Please, bring this issue up with Jesus in prayer. Ask for His guidance and graces and He will not refuse.

:blessyou:
 
Dear OP,

I prayed for you and your husband at Mass today and will continue to keep praying.

Sincerely,

Maria1212
 
Augustine said:
The fact that he’s converted halfheartedly does not affect your your sacramental marriage. As a matter of fact, he didn’t even have to be Catholic for it to be valid, much less to vote well. It could indeed be sinful to vote for BO, but it doesn’t look like either of you sinned by voting for him, especially because McCain regrettably wasn’t 100% pro-life.

But it seems to me that some things were missing not only from his conversion but also from your life as a Catholic couple. How is your prayer life together, even if only saying grace before meals? Have you talked to him about your prayer life and your spiritual readings or insights? Have you both been actively participating in your parish life? In other words, how has the Catholic faith permeated your married life as a couple outside of Mass?

Please, bring this issue up with Jesus in prayer. Ask for His guidance and graces and He will not refuse.

:blessyou:
Click to expand...
I know things were missing from our Catholic marriage. We have a nonexistent prayer life together. I usually say my own prayers throughout the day. If it’s my turn to put our son to bed, I’ll say prayers with him. DH has taken no initiative to be the “spiritual leader” of our household. He doesn’t pray spontaneously (at least that I’m aware of) and he hasn’t learned any Catholic prayers (outside of the Hail Mary, Our Father, and Apostle’s Creed, if that one counts). Grace before meals, when we say it together, is usually me saying it for the family because he hasn’t learned it. He will say a prayer before the meal on Thanksgiving Day, though. And he never seemed to care much about learning more/growing deeper in the faith.

Before we met, I was so interactive with my parish. I’d help out with the fall festival, go to adult education sometimes, attend daily Mass when I could, etc. I even thought about becoming a Eucharistic Minister. Since being married, I’ve stopped doing those things because I wanted to grow in faith together, not appear to him as a holier-than-thou wife. (I knew that I wasn’t, I didn’t want him to get the idea in his head, that’s all) I didn’t want him to feel like I was leaving him behind, because although he “wanted” to be Catholic, he expressed absolutely no interest in those things. And so the growing together never really happened.

He did volunteer us to participate in the Thanksgiving and Christmas parish food drive and help a needy kid over Christmas. His good will is there. . .

I’ve felt as though I held his hand all throughout RCIA, and after his confirmation, it was his turn to take a little more (I’m not saying total, but a little) responsibility for his learning his faith. He promises to still help raise our son Catholic, but how can he teach what he doesn’t know?

Thank you for your prayers, Maria. You have no idea what this means to me.
 
Perhaps the notion that he has to learn a bunch of prayers looms near the root of the problem. Really, any prayer of thanksgiving is fine before meals, it does not have to be the traditional one.

Rote prayers are fantastic and there are probably no better words than those in them. But spontaneous prayers are just as fine, especially in the hearth of a family. Could it be that he’s got hung up on them?

And, FWIW, you should not have stopped volunteering in your parish. Granted, after getting married the availability of time could not be the same, but there doesn’t seem that there was a good reason to stop forthright. You might consider picking minor volunteer positions not only to show your husband how important living the Faith is to you, but especially to your kids. And, who knows, you might thus find out about positions that his talents might fill in, but not take too much time from him.

:blessyou:
 
Augustine–it’s not so much rote prayers; he is just not a big prayer-person, that’s all. I will look around for other volunteer opportunities in the Church.

kage_ar–that’s a great article; I was afraid of something like this happening. Our son is still very young, but I want him to have a solid Catholic foundation. I will bring that article to DH’s attention.
 
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