HELP! Ethical concern with teen drinking

[flyingfish]

If there are legal consequences for us or for our son, so be it. It is in God’s hands. We don’t have much to lose, frankly, we are pretty poor already.

Again, thank you for your responses. I invite more conversation.

AuntMama

It’s not in God’s hands, it’s in your hands. And the decisions you make can destroy your son’s future.

You have to decide if one lapse in judgment is cause to risk destroying your son’s life. If the school is strict and expels him, he’d have serious difficulty getting into college.

To be honest you come across as a bit heartless. There is no moral obligation for you to let anyone know, it’s almost like you want to expose your son. It’s very strange for me to see a mother willing to throw her son under the bus for one mistake.

Why don’t you go talk to your parish priest rather than the school’s priest about your situation in confession.

 

[rayne89]

It’s not in God’s hands, it’s in your hands. And the decisions you make can destroy your son’s future.

You have to decide if one lapse in judgment is cause to risk destroying your son’s life. If the school is strict and expels him, he’d have serious difficulty getting into college.

To be honest you come across as a bit heartless. There is no moral obligation for you to let anyone know, it’s almost like you want to expose your son. It’s very strange for me to see a mother willing to throw her son under the bus for one mistake.

Why don’t you go talk to your parish priest rather than the school’s priest about your situation in confession.

I saw nothing heartless at all. You are basically saying its ok to teach her son that covering up a mistake that could have had very dangerous consequences for not just her son but other peoples children is ok. That the most important thing is not doing what is right and facing the consequences for breaking a rule that her son was clearly aware but protecting her son from getting caught so he doesn’t have a tarnished record.

She is heartless and throwing her son under the bus for teaching him that actions have consequences and the right thing to do is “face the music” honestly and accept responsibility for the choices he made?

Its better he learn now how to handle life with integrity then learn its ok to hide from your mistakes to escape the consequences from your actions even when your mistakes could have endangered others.

How is it good parenting to cover up your child’s transgressions? That just blows my mind.

 

[flyingfish]

I saw nothing heartless at all. You are basically saying its ok to teach her son that covering up a mistake that could have had very dangerous consequences for not just her son but other peoples children is ok. That the most important thing is not doing what is right and facing the consequences for breaking a rule that her son was clearly aware but protecting her son from getting caught so he doesn’t have a tarnished record.

I think it’s important to point out that her son is 18, I don’t think you can call him a child.

I would agree that if he was 10 getting drunk with other 10 year olds it would be the right thing to do to call their parents.

I don’t think he should get away with it, and there should be consequences. Maybe he should be cleaning all the toilets for a few months, maybe he should be forced by his parents to volunteer.

Those are reasonable consequences for an 18 year old drinking, taking the risk of destroying his whole future is draconian and I think the reason detraction is considered a sin. You’re not supposed to make the sins of others known in a way that causes unjust harm.

How is it good parenting to cover up your child’s transgressions? That just blows my mind.

People confess sins to priests all the time, and they “cover it up” by that logic.

Detraction is a sin, you shouldn’t go around making the sins of others known to everyone else. It would be one thing if her son said he was going to continue to do this, but he is repentant.

She should punish him appropriately, and avoid committing the sin of detraction.

 

[rayne89]

I think it’s important to point out that her son is 18, I don’t think you can call him a child.

I would agree that if he was 10 getting drunk with other 10 year olds it would be the right thing to do to call their parents.

I don’t think he should get away with it, and there should be consequences. Maybe he should be cleaning all the toilets for a few months, maybe he should be forced by his parents to volunteer.

Those are reasonable consequences for an 18 year old drinking, taking the risk of destroying his whole future is draconian and I think the reason detraction is considered a sin. You’re not supposed to make the sins of others known in a way that causes unjust harm.

People confess sins to priests all the time, and they “cover it up” by that logic.

Detraction is a sin, you shouldn’t go around making the sins of others known to everyone else. It would be one thing if her son said he was going to continue to do this, but he is repentant.

She should punish him appropriately, and avoid committing the sin of detraction.

The sin of detraction is gossiping and telling the parents isn’t telling everyone. Its telling the parents of children/young adults involved who are responsible for them. She said there were seniors and juniors meaning most of those kids were not 18 yet. Its not even January. I have a February birthday and I was the oldest of friends in my senior year in high school. I wasn’t 18 until February -most of those kids were minors.

And confession is something completely different I don’t know how you can even compare the two.

 

[flyingfish]

The sin of detraction is gossiping and telling the parents isn’t telling everyone. Its telling the parents of children/young adults involved who are responsible for them. She said there were seniors and juniors meaning most of those kids were not 18 yet. Its not even January. I have a February birthday and I was the oldest of friends in my senior year in high school. I wasn’t 18 until February -most of those kids were minors.

And confession is something completely different I don’t know how you can even compare the two.

The CCC defines detraction as:

2477 Respect for the reputation of persons forbids every attitude and word likely to cause them unjust injury.278 He becomes guilty:
…

• of detraction who, without objectively valid reason, discloses another’s faults and failings to persons who did not know them;279

I think it would cause her son unjust injury if he got expelled from school and had his future ruined because people came to his parents house and drank. I don’t think he is blameless, I just don’t think he deserves to have his mother risk his whole future over this.

She is not morally obligated to tell anyone about his sin, and telling the school is definitely detraction.

As for telling the parents, if they are parents of young teens and she knows them, and knows that they will not go to the police then there is no issue telling them. But if they are random strangers who might well raise hell over it, then it would cause her son unjust harm.

After all, it’s not like he forced them to drink or for that matter even provided the alcohol.

 

[stringbeanduck]

It’s really up to you how to handle. Perhaps, by telling other parents they might set stricter settings for their kids thus preventing a terrible tragedy from occurring to them. On the other hand there can other fallouts from making this public too. Parents might come badger you for not being home and whatnot. Just understand that there are good and unwanted things can come of making this public.

 

[Seatuck]

I think it is worth looking into what the consequences at the school are going to be. Being disciplined by the school and putting his future at risk are unjust in my opinion of this is his first seriously egregious act .

I would handle the discipline at home. If you are close with any of the parents you could approach them about their child. Being at an unsupervised party but since you weren’t there you can’t make suggestions about what an individual did and it would be unjust to cast suspicion of underage drining where it did not exist.

I would definitely talk to a priest with your son. He has already expressed contrition it seems. He needs to go to confession as well.

 

[FiberZilla]

I see parents who share your point of view (“I’d much rather they drink at home”) all the time; several of them in our community have been charged with crimes as a result.

Parents who allow their kids to drink at home are simply teaching them that they can - with their parents’ endorsement and support - break laws they don’t like. This is not responsible parenting, no matter how you rationalize it.

I should have added that in my state, it is legal to serve your own children alcohol, even in a restaurant. The parent can order a glass of wine etc and give it to the underage offspring.The catch is this…

If you do that, it is wise to not allow excessive consumption because at that point you could be exposing yourself to potential charges of contributing to the delinquency of a minor or child endangering should they become intoxicated. Additionally the age of the child could be an issue. I would not recommend doing this if the child is under 15.

The situation that most commonly applies would be a wedding reception where champaign is served or a toast is given.

 

[FiberZilla]

As someone who does not life in the US (and has never lived there), it seems very strange to me that at 18 a young person is legally an adult and can vote, but is underage for drinking alcohol! Either they are adults or they are not. Where I live, if they are legal adults it is also legal for them to drink.

Personally, I believe that making young people legal adults at 18 was done strictly to have more voters and was an enormous mistake.

Clearly, 18 year olds do not have the maturity needed to be adults.

Just about seventy-five years ago in the USA it was common for young men at age 16 or 17 to leave home, go to work, marry, begin a family, tend a 100 acre farm or go off to war. Now, with the year 2010 fast approaching it is very common to see 35 year-old men who are still semi-dependent financially on their parent’s financial support if not still living at home with mom and dad. They spend large amounts of time playing video games, watching sports or going to clubs and although they seek sexual intimacy, they avoid committment, especially marriage, like the plague.

Our culture, through the entertainment media has retarded the maturity process of our young people. Really, they have been robbed and they don’t even know it.

 

[joandarc2008]

Of course you already have talked to the school priest. At this point if he speaks to the parents you are not guilty of the sin of detraction, he knows far more about the age of the students and what went on at that party then any of us and probably the OP.

 

[Auriel]

There is no way I would tell. In my state while an underage child may legally have a drink with a parent, the parents can be charged if other kids drink in their home. The 18 yr old would also be in trouble. Also even in some of the public schools here they have a zero tolerance policy. Getting even a misdemeanor for underage drinking may get them suspended or expelled. It goes on their record. I would not want something like that to ruin my kids future.

Some may even be banned from school functions such as the prom. All that does is make a kid angry and some decide to give them a reason for the punishment. About 3 yrs ago that happened here at the high school, they were banned from the football game, suspended for anything they could find, the kid fired a pistol at the stadium a few times. Had no previous problems or history. Did not even make the news, the school has a good rep and it embarrassed them.

And how well do you know these parents? Even if they do not cause legal problems are they gossips? Will they begin to question parenting skills? Can you handle the whispers? I would not want to become a scape goat for every thing another kid did wrong because they associated with your son.

TBH, IMO if a kid is considered old enough to fight and possibly die in a Middle East hellhole, then they are old enough to drink. I think in a way because drinking is so taboo with some people that the kids go nuts when they turn legal and over do it. I had European grandmother, even as young as 7 we would get a small glass of red wine on special occasions. And while all my friends could not wait to get go clubbing and get wasted on their legal b-day, it was no big deal to me. I have had wine last so long I had to throw it out.

I think you are very lucky it was only alcohol. You did something right that your kid was comfortable and open enough to confide in you. I 'm also very impressed that he was responsible enough to have designated drivers. I have had other peoples kids as young as 12 and 13 tell me things all the time that I do not even want to know. I’m not catholic but live in area with a lot of them. You would not believe what some of their younger kids do. I truly consider you lucky.

Some of the parents may get angry at you too, a shoot the messenger type of thing.

If it were me I would punish him myself and it would go no further unless it happens again.

 

[SamH]

Their school would have absolutely no standing (to expel) unless the event occurred on their premises, scheduled or extra-curricular activity, or with kids in uniform (check their rules) or if the kids ‘earn’ a ‘conviction’ for their stunt (public record). Certainly won’t make for ‘good relations’, but there are legal limits with regard to what the school can do.
. .

Wrong.

If it were a public school that might be case, but a private school can do what ever they want and probably has it in writing if any student contributes to the delinquency of a minor (or fellow student) that student is subject to discipline up to and including being expelled. My nieces attend a private Catholic school and a student had a beer party complete with keg stands and table dancing. The morons then posted the event in their face book account. Anyone pictured with a beer was suspended from school for two weeks; anyone that attended (and could not be proven to be drinking) was suspended from all extra circular activity - including sports, prom and any scholastic competitions. Almost half the senior class was disciplined in some manner. Several parents tried the “but it wasn’t a school function” excuse but were shown the section of the school handbook that applied and were invited to remove their child if they thought the punishment was too harsh.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

Wrong.

If it were a public school that might be case, but a private school can do what ever they want and probably has it in writing if any student contributes to the delinquency of a minor (or fellow student) that student is subject to discipline up to and including being expelled. My nieces attend a private Catholic school and a student had a beer party complete with keg stands and table dancing. The morons then posted the event in their face book account. Anyone pictured with a beer was suspended from school for two weeks; anyone that attended (and could not be proven to be drinking) was suspended from all extra circular activity - including sports, prom and any scholastic competitions. Almost half the senior class was disciplined in some manner. Several parents tried the “but it wasn’t a school function” excuse but were shown the section of the school handbook that applied and were invited to remove their child if they thought the punishment was too harsh.

I think the key is that they had photographic evidence. If I were her son I would go to confession and then deny the whole thing ever happened. There is no reason to come clean unless you just want to be punished.

 

[SamH]

I think the key is that they had photographic evidence. If I were her son I would go to confession and then deny the whole thing ever happened. There is no reason to come clean unless you just want to be punished.

Wow…

 

[Arwen037]

Denying it ever happened is not the right thing to do. After being punished, maybe never bringing it up, but denying it? That just encourages lying about things that might get you in trouble.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

Denying it ever happened is not the right thing to do. After being punished, maybe never bringing it up, but denying it? That just encourages lying about things that might get you in trouble.

not encouraging a lie; it would be a mental reservation or pleading the fifth. You certainly are not required to reveal your sins to the whole world and the priest will be bound by the seal of the confessional. If I were him I would go to confession with the priest who is in charge at the school and then do the penance he gives me. Then you forget the whole thing ever happened and never do it again.

 

[SamH]

not encouraging a lie; it would be a mental reservation or pleading the fifth. You certainly are not required to reveal your sins to the whole world and the priest will be bound by the seal of the confessional. If I were him I would go to confession with the priest who is in charge at the school and then do the penance he gives me. Then you forget the whole thing ever happened and never do it again.

I don’t think you understand how confession works.

 

[whatevergirl]

My husband and I have just discovered that, while we were gone for the weekend, our 18 year old son had some friends over without our knowledge. There was alcohol brought into our home and served to about 15 teens, all seniors and juniors in high school, NONE of legal age. Our son has never once given us any trouble of this kind before. He admitted the mistake as soon as we got home and is clearly troubled by what he did. We are shocked and concerned and worried. The only bright spot is that he did insist on designated drivers for all concerned.

Aside from the obvious parenting issues and trust violations, here is my pressing concern: Are my husband and I legally, morally, or ethically obligated to contact the parents of the teens we know were in our home while we were gone? If so, will doing so place my son or my husband and I at legal risk in anyway?

I want very much to contact the parents, to do the right thing. I know this could end up with these kids all being kicked out (expelled) from the Catholic high school they attend, my son included. As grievous as that would be, I would understand and accept if the school finds out about this party and does choose to expel them. My bigger concern however is the safety and future of these kids. I would very much want to know if my child has been drinking at some OTHER parent’s home, with or without their knowledge or approval. I admit however that I am reluctant to expose my son or my husband and myself to possible jail time.

We know the name of the boy who brought the alcohol (considerable amounts of it) and he too is underage in this country, but not in his home country. Am I legally, morally, or ethically responsible for contacting his parents? The school?

Any (name removed by moderator)ut appreciated. Thanks for your thoughts and advice.

*I’m sorry this happened Auntmama…It sounds like your son is very remoreseful. I probably would contact the parents. Kids ALWAYS talk, and I imagine there are already conversations/rumors going around the school of what happened at the party. I would definitely contact the principal as you mentioned, and also the parents. Some of them might already know, it’s best to hear it coming from you.

I pray/hope nothing bad happens as a consequence. I think your son learned a valuable lesson…

 

[Arwen037]

not encouraging a lie; it would be a mental reservation or pleading the fifth. You certainly are not required to reveal your sins to the whole world and the priest will be bound by the seal of the confessional. If I were him I would go to confession with the priest who is in charge at the school and then do the penance he gives me. Then you forget the whole thing ever happened and never do it again.

Yeah, don’t bring it up, like I said. Don’t deny it. Denying means saying “No, that didn’t happen.” Which is lying.

 

[joandarc2008]

Maybe your son should just be encouraged to do his own pennance and go to his friends and encourage them to have talks with their own parents about what was done as they were ALL wrong.