Help: Family Issue - Sensitive Subject

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Mom2MyKidz

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I need some help & advice…i’m a happily married lady of 13 years, mom to 3 kids and #4 is due in about 7 weeks. Our family is active in our parish, I am a catechist and we are raising our children in the Catholic Faith to the best of our ability.

The issue I have is my mother. Without going into too much detail, I have cut off all contact with her after this Christmas visit. (She lives 1,500 miles away.) This was not a rash or hasty decision, but comes from enduring years of abuse - emotionally, verbally and physically. It has overflowed into other areas of my life such as the relationship with my husband, friends, in-laws, etc. This past year it began to overflow into my children’s lives. They are young, 10, 9 and 6, but old enough to recognize wrong and have asked that they not have to see her anymore.

I was raised as an only child in a single parent home with a mother that saw me only as a burden and often “in the way.” She was promiscuous; displayed vanity and greed to the point of sin; stole things by either taking them or changing price tags at stores; had multiple abortions which she never attempted to hide from me when I was only 10-14 years old; had too many boyfriends to track; accused me of things that I had not done; and attempted to sever all of my outside friendships and relationships with family members so that she could control my every move.

I recognized at a young age that there was something very wrong with her. I stayed as a child with no other options. (I did not meet my dad until I was 21 because he left her with no contact information after only four years.) I left the house as soon as I was 18. I moved 900 miles to college and later 1,500 miles away to my first job. Due to finances as a young adult, she co-erced me back home at 22 and my life was only survivable because that is when I met my husband. We were married 2.5 years later and moved 1,800 miles away from her.

We have been like most couples - we struggled financially with our first home and while our first two kids were young. She outwardly told us that she wished he would just leave me and allow the house to foreclose. We gained ground and bought a bigger house, which is our “forever” home and she continued to mock our efforts stating that we would always be broke because i was “lucky” in love and she was “lucky” in money (head spinning! 🤷) When we had our third child, she implored me “Don’t get knocked up again, whatever you do. (Husband name) is a handsome man and you have gained 20 pounds, so don’t be surprised if he cheats on you if you keep getting fat and pregnant.” (head spinning again, huh?)

Sorry - I am rehashing more than i wanted, but have barely scratched the surface. Recently after another holiday was ruined by her dramatics and hysteria, we asked her to leave and have cut contact. We have blocked her number from our numbers, we sent a DO NOT CONTACT letter via mail, have blocked her emails and have informed my in-laws enough so that they are in agreement in case she contacts them.

Our children have shared some awful stories of what she has done while visiting while we have entrusted her with the kids (saying bad things about me & my husband to the kids, locking our children out of their house because she needed “relaxation time”, physically pushing and hitting our kids, buying their silence with bribes, calling them names to their faces and asking our oldest to come and live with her because “Nanny loves you more than your siblings and I will give you more than your parents do.”)

So my dilema - I am feeling so guilty that I have disregarded the 5th commandment where she is concerned. But how could one respect, let alone honor a monster like this? I have a great relationship with my in-laws and am building a strong one with my dad in recent years, but with her I feel cold-hearted hatred. I cannot find it in my heart to forgive her.

Please, do not tell me about counseling, boundaries and limited visits - her personality disorder is not one that is benign and she seeks rage and hysteria constantly. I began counseling at 17 - paying for it myself with P/T job money. I stayed in counseling all through college, repenting of many sins I committed due to my lack of esteem and judgement. My husband has also tried actively with me to calm her, sooth her and even placate her when she visits. We do not drink, smoke or engage in any addictive behaviors, so believe me when i tell you that we are strong.

I just do not know how to shake this feeling of doom. How can i be sure that Jesus understands that i am doing this to protect my kids, my marriage and myself from her toxic poison. As a Catholic, is it okay to walk away from a hopeless situation? I have been praying, have prayed and have always forgiven her only to be ridiculed, mocked and slammed again and again by her. I am worn down and do not know how to get past this dark cloud. Will time make it go away?

I should also mention that much of the guilt I feel is because she is truly alone. Her parents have passed on as have her siblings. My only cousin cut ties two years ago and more distant relatives walked away years ago, expressing their pity to me. (Not that this was a heavy burden to carry…duh?) So my leaving her to herself is the end of the line for her. She’s been married & divorced 5x, relationships last maybe a few months until the man runs out, friendships last 2-5 years until the other party sets a boundary for their own life, etc.

Seeking opinions - has anyone else ever had to walk away from a close relative? I can’t go back again, but I need to know how to release the anger, mistrust & feelings of betrayal. I’m in counseling wth someone who works with personality disorders to ensure that I have not learned her behaviors and will never make my children mistrust me; it just doesn’t help the Catholic side of my life.
 
Mom2mykidz,

I’m praying for you and your family. Your mother sounds like a very troubled, unhappy person. During my own struggles to learn how to “honor” parents who behaved dishonorably, I read Dr. Laura Schlesinger’s book “Bad Childhood, Good Life”. Although written from a Jewish perspective rather than a Catholic one, I did find some comfort in her words. She said that we all get two opportunities at the parent/child relationship. The first is with our own parents, and that might be deeply flawed. But we get a second chance with our own children. We can use that experience to create positive, loving relationships in our life.

The 5th Commandment calls us to honor the fact that our parents gave us life. You can be grateful for the life your mother gave you in spite of all the other problems and heartaches. Maybe that’s the best you can do right now. Sometimes it does take many years for the pain to become manageable. Right now, you need to focus on your husband and children. Pray for your mother, and trust that the Lord will handle it as is best.
 
I am sorry that you have gone through so much in your life, and that your mother does not recognize what she is missing in having a great relationship with her daughter. It sounds like you have done all that you can do.

You are right in protecting your children. Some day they will understand why you had to cut off contact with her. I understand while you feel bad, but you really have not dishonored her, and it sounds like she is in your prayers daily.

About honoring your mother…praying for her mental condition is honoring her. At some point maybe you can have contact with her, but it sounds like she has a lot of changing to do.

Keep praying, Novena’s to the Holy Family might help.
 
beth40n2 said:
I am sorry that you have gone through so much in your life, and that your mother does not recognize what she is missing in having a great relationship with her daughter. It sounds like you have done all that you can do.

You are right in protecting your children. Some day they will understand why you had to cut off contact with her. I understand while you feel bad, but you really have not dishonored her, and it sounds like she is in your prayers daily.

About honoring your mother…praying for her mental condition is honoring her. At some point maybe you can have contact with her, but it sounds like she has a lot of changing to do.

Keep praying, Novena’s to the Holy Family might help.
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Thank you-I too had to walk away from a toxic relationship with my father yet keep him close in prayers and not wishing bad upon him. He turned against me after my ex-husband left me, both blaming me or my parenting for my son’s high-functioning autism, never mind that I myself may have mild aspergers myself. I guess my father forgot about what I had to overcome and now I feel like a scapegoat in regards to my precious son. I felt guilty as all heck yet know that there is nothing I can do to have a healthy relationship with my father. What is worse for me is that as a child growing up, when my mom was alive, my father was there for me, went to my school events and was very supportive. I was in and out of hospitals 3 times by age 4 for they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me (it was the late’60s/early '70s and they had no idea about aspergers back then-I had autistic issues at that age). Yet-thankfully was able to get into the military with 5 waivers and proudly serving my country-yet my father emotionally beat me down and my failures and nothing I’ve done is good enough. Really hit me hard-so yes-I had to walk away from a toxic relationship with my father-yet oh how I miss him and his love for me when I was a child. This is what hurts me. My mom died in 1990 and my father remarried 5 years later.
 
Just as we are called to honor our father and mother, we are also called to be honorable fathers and mothers. I don’t say this as a dig at your mom, but to remind you that you are now a mother, and your responsibilities to your children take priority over your responsibility to your mother.

She neglected your children while they were in her care and threatened their safety, as well as their confidence in the love and care you provide for them. She looses the priviledge to be around them.

I would work on the forgiveness part as much as you are able–for your own well-being. But forgiveness does not mean inviting a harmful person back into our lives. The no contact that you have established may very well be the thing that you need to be able to heal enough to move past the anger and begin to forgive. It is very hard to forgive when someone continues to repeatedly transgress.

I think making any sort of future plans for contact or no-contact needs to belong to the future. I don’t say this to dismiss the seriousness of the issue, but right now no-contact is what you and your family need, and until your needs and abilities change (if ever) why revisit or remake the decision while you still need that distance?
 
I’m just thinking about leadership. I need we need new organizational restructuring as Pope our leader in the region, President until the CEO. We could see the flow of money from the top to the bottom.
 
Thank you all for the kind words. As a new member I was hoping I didnot come across as nuts! 😉
I appreciate all of your words and kindnesses. Monicad - your post made me cry. I know you are right and yes, I have been talking with my husband and he has been so supportive! But, alas, God has chosen to bless us again with a new life and that is so much more important to focus on.
I know too that I am not alone on this road and the words of others are such comfort for me right now. Thank you all again!
🙂
 
Good Luck with this and It think you have all our prayers. It is never easy to sever ties, but you may find it easier later. My husband wound up making a decision to sever ties with certain parts of his family - a very sad situation but my parents have accepted him and he is now viewed as their son - not just a son-in-law-this has helped him a great deal as well as myself. I pray that perhaps you will find a similar bond with your husband’s parents as I believe this helps a great deal. For the time being, your life, your sanity and that of your family depends upon you keeping your distance in all ways from your mother. On another positive point, although it’s awful what happened with your children and your mother, at least you will never really have to explain to them ‘why’ there is no contact. I have a feeling you will find that you gain a bit of freedom not having to constantly worry about “what” to do with regards to this situation - you’ve decided to cut the contact and to leave it up to God. I have no doubt if she changes a great deal you will find out about it. I pray that one day this will happen for us as well, but it’s not a decision for me to make.
Good Luck and God Bless
 
Hi There.
First of all, I applaud your decision to cut ties with your mother. Yes it is a hard thing, but I do not believe you have violated the 5th commandment in any way. You listened to your mom as a child, even though she was downright abusive to you. Now, you are protecting your own children from that same abuse (I found it particularly disturbing she tried to convince your oldest to move in with her).

She is in this situation because of HER actions. She chose to have those abortions, drugs etc. This is a consequence of her actions. Frankly, I think you would be committing a graver sin by allowing her to abuse your kids than you cutting her off from the family. She has said a lot of cruel things to you - your response is defensive. You are defending your kids. And good for you! How can you honor your mother when she is telling you not to have any kids, yet the Bible states be fruitful and multiply? How can you honor your mother when she is constantly putting you down, saying your going to get overweight and you are not going to be a successful person that contributes (essentially is what I got from your story)? My father cheated on my mother twice. My mom is forgiving him. I am having a harder time doing it- he threatened me with an eviction notice - he has a lot to prove to me before I’ll forgive him. That’s not because of my actions though, that’s because he betrayed my trust.

I encourage you to continue protecting your Children. You will find in time that you will forgive her, but the consequence of her actions should not change.

God Bless
Matt
 
Dear OP,

you have endured something monstruous. No child deserves this from a parent. Your mother obviously has serious problems, something that is out of your control.

I cut off my father last spring. He has narcissistic personality disorded and I suffered emotional abuse since childhood. I decided to cut him off when I was pregnant with my 2nd baby and he continued to harass me. I realised that my heath and my family must be a priority and that I simply couldn’t deal with his toxic behaviour. As you can imagine, I felt very guilty. A few days after our last conversation I went to church to pray in front of the Blessed Sacrament. I begged Jesus to forgive me. I felt like a child that did something wrong and was afraid of punishmnet. I then felt like i was being embraced. I felt that he knew what I was feeling, that he was so sorry for me and that he suffered with me all those years.

Of course, God doesn’t want families to fall apart. But in situations like yours there is no better alternative. He did not put you here on earth to be abused by your own mother. You are not the bad guy here, but a victim. He knows that.

Please don’t be aftaid. He is on your side and will help you heal. Go to the blessed sacrament. It will probably take a long time for you to heal and stop feeling guilty, but it will happen, I promise. I has taken me almost a year to accept the reality of my relationship with my father, and to be able to forgive him. I pray for him and wish him well, but desire no contact. Maybe that will change, maybe not. We can’t resolve everything in this life, but death is not the end, right?

I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Mom2mykidz,

Just a note this morning to say that I am continuing to pray for you. I just want to add that walking away now doesn’t mean forever. Things do change for the better sometimes, even if you can’t imagine it now. I walked away from my parents at one point (it lasted over 10 years), but the Lord worked healing on both sides. With my child now grown and safe from them, I am able to maintain a civil, arms-length, yet pleasant relationship with my parents…something I never dreamed could happen. The Lord can work miracles sometimes. But even if that doesn’t happen in your situation, know that you are doing right by protecting the children the Lord has entrusted to your care. May His richest blessings rain down upon you, and may your new little one bring added joy that helps heal your broken heart. You are not alone: you have many, many brothers and sisters who are walking this path with you.
 
Mom2MyKidz, you have received great advice. You are not obligated to continue a relationship with ANY toxic person, even relatives. Keeping your distance for the sake of your children and husband and for yourself too is not wrong. Pray for your mom. Honor her in that way.

I will pray for you and your family.

Now for a bit of levity in this thread.
Mom2MyKidz said:
…I am feeling so guilty that I have disregarded the 5th commandment where she is concerned. …
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Was that a Freudian slip due to the difficult relationship? Since you are a Catholic, I think you meant to type "the 4th commandment " (which is Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother) rather than “the 5th commandment” (which is Thou Shalt Not Kill).

😃

Humor never hurts.
 
Swizzle -
I justl aughed out loud in my office! I have been so bogged down that confusing the commandments should be the least of my worries - I am just happy that I remember them, numbered of not! LOL. Thank you for the humor - we use humor a lot in our home and you lightened my morning! 👍
 
Yes. I cut off contact with my mother after enduring 48 years of the kind of abuse that you describe. Read “Will I Ever Be Good Enough” a book for children of narcissistic mothers. I have ruined many years of my life by trying to maintain a relationship. My husband and I should have moved away when we first married and cut off contact. Do not underestimate the damage that this kind of relationship can do to your ability to care for your family. My mental and physical health both suffered, and my self esteem is non-existent. I always felt guilty, even when I was caring for her, because I hated it so much. Didn’t you still feel guilty before you broke off contact? With people like this you can never do enough, and they train us as children to feel guilty.
Find a priest or psychologist to help you with the unreasonable guilt, but regardless of how you feel, in the situation that you have described, you have done the only sane and responsible thing. Priests had advised us before that we should stop being in contact with her, but I felt guilty, and kept trying. She died recently, and I have never felt so free.
 
Mom2MyKidz said:
Swizzle -
I justl aughed out loud in my office! I have been so bogged down that confusing the commandments should be the least of my worries - I am just happy that I remember them, numbered of not! LOL. Thank you for the humor - we use humor a lot in our home and you lightened my morning! 👍
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👍

Glad to hear it. Humor and laughter help a lot to get us through tough times, if we can manage to find it. Prayerful support helps too, of course. You’ve come to the right place for that.🙂
 
Mom2MyKidz said:
I just do not know how to shake this feeling of doom. How can i be sure that Jesus understands that i am doing this to protect my kids, my marriage and myself from her toxic poison. As a Catholic, is it okay to walk away from a hopeless situation? I have been praying, have prayed and have always forgiven her only to be ridiculed, mocked and slammed again and again by her. I am worn down and do not know how to get past this dark cloud. Will time make it go away?

I should also mention that much of the guilt I feel is because she is truly alone. Her parents have passed on as have her siblings. My only cousin cut ties two years ago and more distant relatives walked away years ago, expressing their pity to me. (Not that this was a heavy burden to carry…duh?) So my leaving her to herself is the end of the line for her. She’s been married & divorced 5x, relationships last maybe a few months until the man runs out, friendships last 2-5 years until the other party sets a boundary for their own life, etc.

Seeking opinions - has anyone else ever had to walk away from a close relative? I can’t go back again, but I need to know how to release the anger, mistrust & feelings of betrayal. I’m in counseling wth someone who works with personality disorders to ensure that I have not learned her behaviors and will never make my children mistrust me; it just doesn’t help the Catholic side of my life.
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I have had to cut myself off from two siblings. My parents continued to try to help them for years - I came to the conclusion that they would suck out all my energy and destroy my family. It is only now that my parents are old and frail that they have put up more boundaries.

I do not feel guilty. I do not think you should feel guilty. You are not dishonoring your mother, which is shown by the fact that you care. But you are taking the steps necessary to not pass this same issue down to your children. That is brave, and it is honorable, and you are to be commended.

Something that helped me was the following:

There are several verses (Mt. 10:14, Mk. 6:11, Lk 9:5, Lk 10:10-11, Acts 13:51) that talk about disciples who are preaching the gospel, and if they are not received, they should turn, shake the dust off their feet, and leave.

If anything, your relatives should treat you better than a random stranger would treat you. Yet your mother treats you worse than a random stranger would treat you. I’m sure, either overtly or implicitly you have shared your faith, and she fails to receive it, or you. Christ did not call you to bang your head against a brick wall. There are others that need you. Shake the dust from your feet, and move on.
 
kbachler said:
Christ did not call you to bang your head against a brick wall. There are others that need you. Shake the dust from your feet, and move on.
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Love it - very true. I have so much energy to pour into my kids, their new baby brother, my husband and the loved ones that surround me. Thank you!
 
Reading your dilemma is like listening to my own spiritual turmoil over my mother - though my mother’s problems are more emotional abuse-related, your mother’s issues are a lot more serious than mine. However, there is this constant conflict in my spiritual life, trying to obey God and honour His laws and at the same time wondering how I can apply that commandment to my own parents. It is like there is a fine line between the verses “Honor your father and mother” and also “parents, do not drive your children to resentment” - I mean there is a good reason that last verse appears in the Bible, right? Generations upon generations of children must have struggled with this.

Anyway, I thought you might find further good advice here:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=598839&highlight=spiritual+crisis+mother

It’s a thread from last year that also caught my eye, someone else struggling with living out that commandment in relation to their mother. Lots of good advice there too.

I still am torn though - I want to be at peace with God, I pray endlessly about how I should discern God’s will in the situation, and yet because my mother always criticises me and insults me, I am left thinking that even though I don’t argue back with her, I have still clearly offended her by my very existence, and thus must have offended God in some way too.

The last few days I was thinking about posting here, as I faced another tense episode in my relationship with her - my new baby daughter’s christening. She was vexed over not having been asked to be a godmother, telling me she had had enough of everything and wanted to die (the day before the christening - nice), and hung up on me numerous times or left insulting messages in the build up to the day. As it happened, my father got a chest infection that prevented her from coming, but in the midst of my tears that evening, I read in my office a verse from the Old Testament:

“Though father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me” (Ps. 27:10)

I don’t know, I felt it was God trying to tell me something, right in the middle of my asking Him how I could honor my unreasonable mother. However, I am still struggling with this issue massively, and was guilt-ridden to note that when my parents couldn’t come to the christening, all I felt was relief.
 
Tons of excellent advice in this thread. Life on this Earth is too short and life in the hereafter is too long to allow ourselves to be dragged down by those who do not want our help or our love. Best leave the hard work of repeatedly knocking on her cold heart to the expert: The Holy Spirit.

The best thing you can do for her is to tell her you will always pray for her but cannot abide by her tearing your family down and leave it at that.
 
I, like many who have replied to this are in a similar situation. I am not at the point of completely cutting ties with my own family due to financial and being on probation. It is sad that some people, especially those who claim to be “good leading Christians” like my father claims to be turns out to be completely wrong. In my case I am the middle child so I get blamed for everything that goes wrong within the family. My brother turned out to be an arrogant, self-centered person who acts like a little child and my little sister is pretty much a hypersensitive horder. In addition the marriage between both my parents are literally on the verge of collapse.

As like several people who replied have stated, I too have been abused for years from emotionally, verbally and physically from both parents. My father is a narcissist who literally will tell anyone he has a conversation with to either do things his way or the highway, whether it’s religiously, politically or even how they should live their lives. When I was young I was forced to join the Boy Scouts and was told that I was not allowed to quit because he insisted that I HAVE to get my Eagle Scout Award simply because he didn’t get it as a child and because somehow it will guarantee me a job. I’ve been in the job force for 11 years now and it has only been brought up twice. I couldn’t even do my own homework without him telling me to do it his way or else I would get beaten. As a result I didn’t get good grades in school. He’s even told me in my face exactly how I should believe in God, what I should believe politically, who I should associate with as friends and who I should date. Every time he does that I just simply look at him and tell me that God has given me a brain to think for myself and I will choose who I associate myself with, who to vote for and how I should worship God. It’s not like the Matrix really exists and my dad can just plug in a jump drive to an imaginary USB port in the back of my head so he can program me the way he sits fit. I’m even afraid to tell him that I have converted to Catholicism because of his views on the church and his twisted views on religion.

My mom on the other hand is almost like yours only that she has verbally and physically abused me for things both my siblings have done, yelled and screamed over silly little things that literally is not worth yelling about and has just gone literally psychotic to the point where she has picked up things like huge knives and threatened to kill us with. I recognized this when I was at a young age and at that time I only sought out to survive at all costs. In the end I know I was punished for their actions by not having much friends (I can only count at least 4 people I actually call a ‘friend’) and I am almost 30 years old and never been married. After my grandfather on my mom’s side passed away back in 2010 things have gotten worse. It got so bad that even my uncle family (my uncle, his wife and my 3 cousins) have cut ties with me because of her actions. To this day I feel horrible about what happened due to my mom’s actions.

I too feel as if I have disregarded the 5th commandment where my parents are concerned. I feel greatly guilty by it. Do I really want to cut ties with my family, no. Do I hate my parents for the way they treated me, obviously not. Do I think my parents tried raising me to be a good person, to a certain degree (a very small degree). But I also feel I need to do what is best for me to make myself a better person. I mean as a Catholic and as an American I feel its best for me to do what I see fit. I mean there isn’t anything in the Bible that states that I should only marry someone of a certain color or looks (which my dad goes off of). It is one thing to raise a kid to become a better person as the parents are, but like our situations our parents failed to do so. Ya, I might not look like Brad Pitt or the brightest crayon in the box but hey, I am only human. On several occasions I have had very bad thoughts (to the point where I just wanted to commit suicide) just to end the struggle that I have experienced in the past and what is going on now. However every time I have those thoughts I always remind myself of the friends who have literally done that because of their situation and how I don’t want to end up like them and that God does have a plan for me. As I stated before I am living with my family based on financial reasons and because I am on probation for something I did earlier this year. In addition I would have to say that I have to make decisions as an individual in regards to how I associate myself with family. Yes it might sound greedy but once I am financially able to move out on my own, begin associating myself with those who have the same interests and faith as I do as a Catholic and start forming my own family I will cut ties with my parents and siblings. Yes it sounds wrong and I do believe it is going against the 5th amendment but nobody should have to live in an abusive relationship with anyone, regardless if it’s a parent, sibling, spouse or anyone else. When I have my own children I wouldn’t want them to be sucked into the lies and be in situations where they could be abused.
 
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