Help! Family wants me to get married in Catholic Church

[serinatran]

Hi,

My family is Catholic and I am getting married in June. I was baptized and confirmed in the Catholic Church but when I turned 18 I decided to stop practicing Catholicism and I consider myself agnostic now. I got engaged and am planning to get married in June. When I first started planning the wedding, I asked my parents if it was okay for me to not get married in the church since I do not consider myself Catholic and my fiance is Buddhist. They were not happy but they told me to do whatever I wanted. So I have booked a ceremony and reception site at a local hotel.

Now 2.5 months before the wedding, my mom tells me they went to Church and the priest told them that they would go to hell if they attended my wedding and that none of my family who are devout Catholics will attend the wedding unless I get married in a Catholic Church. So in order to please them, I have signed up for pre-cana classes. My problem however is that I have already booked the ceremony site and printed invitations and so I still plan on having the ceremony at my original venue.

My question is this: Will a Catholic priest marry us in a Catholic Church? We are two non-Catholics getting married. We are basically willing to get married in a catholic church to appease my parents and my side of the family but I feel this is somewhat hypocritcal as I don’t really believe in the religion and we will not be raising our kids as Catholics.

What should I tell my mom? If she attended our wedding ceremony outside of the Church would her and my father really go to hell? Can my family attend a non Catholic marriage without it being considered a sin? Or should I just go through with getting married in a Catholic church even though I don’t believe in it and then have my real legal ceremony later that day at the venue as originally planned.

Or is it possible to get a Catholic priest that will perform a catholic marriage sacrament at an outdoor venue? I saw a site www.weddingpriest.org that say they can do this. Would this be okay for my parents and my family to attend since we would still be getting married by a Catholic priest.

Any help is greatly appreciated.

 

[YoungTradCath]

It is very likely that no priest will witness your marriage, because you don’t actually want it. That “wedding priest” thing will probably only result in a canonically invalid marriage. The best thing to do is to return to the faith. The second best thing to do, given your circumstances, is probably to tell your parents that you are not getting married in the Church.

 

[PJM]

=serinatran;10614837]Hi,

My family is Catholic and I am getting married in June. I was baptized and confirmed in the Catholic Church but when I turned 18 I decided to stop practicing Catholicism and I consider myself agnostic now. I got engaged and am planning to get married in June. When I first started planning the wedding, I asked my parents if it was okay for me to not get married in the church since I do not consider myself Catholic and my fiance is Buddhist. They were not happy but they told me to do whatever I wanted. So I have booked a ceremony and reception site at a local hotel.

Now 2.5 months before the wedding, my mom tells me they went to Church and the priest told them that they would go to hell if they attended my wedding and that none of my family who are devout Catholics will attend the wedding unless I get married in a Catholic Church. So in order to please them, I have signed up for pre-cana classes. My problem however is that I have already booked the ceremony site and printed invitations and so I still plan on having the ceremony at my original venue.

My question is this: Will a Catholic priest marry us in a Catholic Church? We are two non-Catholics getting married. We are basically willing to get married in a catholic church to appease my parents and my side of the family but I feel this is somewhat hypocritcal as I don’t really believe in the religion and we will not be raising our kids as Catholics.

What should I tell my mom? If she attended our wedding ceremony outside of the Church would her and my father really go to hell? Can my family attend a non Catholic marriage without it being considered a sin? Or should I just go through with getting married in a Catholic church even though I don’t believe in it and then have my real legal ceremony later that day at the venue as originally planned.

Or is it possible to get a Catholic priest that will perform a catholic marriage sacrament at an outdoor venue? I saw a site www.weddingpriest.org that say they can do this. Would this be okay for my parents and my family to attend since we would still be getting married by a Catholic priest.

Any help is greatly appreciated.

As stated your NOT going to get married in a catholic church; if for no other reason than:

1. Your NOT a practcing catholic; nor is “your wife to be”
2. At least one musrt be and is a requirement of the CC
3. Your Children would have to be RAISED IN THE CC and Faith as a condition of the “catholic marriage”
4. The priest you reference is NOT anylonger permitted to exercise ANY sacraments AS A PRIEST. They are very often excommunicated and oportunistic/ capitolist.
5. NO, your parent ought NOT to attend this “marriage”
6. How do you rationaalize dismissing God? I"M truly curious

thanks for asking,
pat/PJM

 

[Oneofthewomen]

You are Catholic by nature of your Baptism and are fully initiated. There is nothing you can do about that. You may not practice your faith, but you will always be Catholic, and because of that you are bound by the laws of the Church, especially as they pertain to marriage.

I cannot urge you strongly enough to see a priest about your situation.

Hi,

My family is Catholic and I am getting married in June. I was baptized and confirmed in the Catholic Church but when I turned 18 I decided to stop practicing Catholicism and I consider myself agnostic now. I got engaged and am planning to get married in June. When I first started planning the wedding, I asked my parents if it was okay for me to not get married in the church since I do not consider myself Catholic and my fiance is Buddhist. They were not happy but they told me to do whatever I wanted. So I have booked a ceremony and reception site at a local hotel.

Now 2.5 months before the wedding, my mom tells me they went to Church and the priest told them that they would go to hell if they attended my wedding and that none of my family who are devout Catholics will attend the wedding unless I get married in a Catholic Church. So in order to please them, I have signed up for pre-cana classes. My problem however is that I have already booked the ceremony site and printed invitations and so I still plan on having the ceremony at my original venue.

My question is this: Will a Catholic priest marry us in a Catholic Church? We are two non-Catholics getting married. We are basically willing to get married in a catholic church to appease my parents and my side of the family but I feel this is somewhat hypocritcal as I don’t really believe in the religion and we will not be raising our kids as Catholics.

What should I tell my mom? If she attended our wedding ceremony outside of the Church would her and my father really go to hell? Can my family attend a non Catholic marriage without it being considered a sin? Or should I just go through with getting married in a Catholic church even though I don’t believe in it and then have my real legal ceremony later that day at the venue as originally planned.

Or is it possible to get a Catholic priest that will perform a catholic marriage sacrament at an outdoor venue? I saw a site www.weddingpriest.org that say they can do this. Would this be okay for my parents and my family to attend since we would still be getting married by a Catholic priest.

Any help is greatly appreciated.

 

[PatriceA]

You are Catholic by nature of your Baptism and are fully initiated. There is nothing you can do about that. You may not practice your faith, but you will always be Catholic, and because of that you are bound by the laws of the Church, especially as they pertain to marriage.

I cannot urge you strongly enough to see a priest about your situation.

I would advise the same.

Plus that link in the OP, that’s NOT a recognized Roman Catholic Church. Its a splinter group that call themselves an “American Catholic Church”. Your marriage would not be considered valid if you were to be married by them, nor would your family be able to attend if they have been advised not to attend your wedding at your current location.

 

[Allegra]

I think you are in a bad situation. You can talk to the priest and see if there is anything that can be done, but I have to agree with the predictions of the other posters. The priest will not marry you in the Church, and you parents can not attend your wedding ceremony outside of the Church.

 

[ChurchSoldier]

Thank your mother for her concern and let her know it is your wedding and you will choose where to have it. I congratulate you for standing by your principles. If you don’t walk with Christ in your life, why would you invite Him to your wedding?

One of the greatest causes for decline in the church is people who go for a sacrament just to get the ticket punched. It creates a weak and ineffective Christian church. By getting married in a church by a Priest, all involved would be witnessing that the Christian faith really means nothing because even non-believers are allowed to act like they are full practicing members. (While marked forever, you state you have chosen a different path)

After all, the Mass would have the Nicene Creed recited. So what…your family expects you to witness before God and your neighbors that you believe in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit when you don’t? That’s would be a mockery of all that the church is and stands for and all who have died standing for the faith.

That being said, John 3:36 (or 1John5:11-12 if you want a softer version) is true and I encourage you to explore the faith as an adult. You are living based on a decision of a child which will have eternal consequences.

Good luck on your decision.

 

[Allegra]

I’m surprised no one has addressed this bit yet, but…I’m pretty sure the priest was *in error *telling your parents they’d “go to hell” if they attended your wedding if it was not in the Catholic church.
I don’t think there is any “church teaching” that proclaims this…

(Is there?)

The priest probably said that to attend the wedding would be a mortal sin. “Go to hell” is most likely either the OP or his parent’s summary of that conversation.

 

[kyria]

I am not aware that the Church would forbid your parents from attending your marriage if conducted outside of the Church. I would make some more enquiries. There are a number of threads on this topic on this forum if that helps.

We don’t marry in the Church to please our parents. Many have done so in the past and ended up with an annulment.

A dilemma Catholics often face, including myself when I have attended weddings outside of the Church, is whether by attending are we saying by default we approve of this wedding outside of the Church or are we attending to support a relative? I attended my sister’s wedding in a vineyard to support her, not her choice of marrying outside of the faith. Your mother has made it clear she doesn’t approve of you marrying outside of the church. So by attending she is supporting you, not your choice to marry outside of the faith.

Even if you married in the Church, one is supposed to be in a state of grace first.

As parents, we continue to pray for our children to return to the faith. I am sure your mother is doing that. But you have to want to get married in the Church because you understand the Catholic sacrament of marriage and you are willing to abide by the teachings of the church.

When I got married in the Church to a non Catholic I didn’t have a clue about the graces one could receive if they were in a state of grace when I got married. I didn’t know my faith. I was lasped. In hindsight now I wished I have done some further research before I got married. I may have come back to the faith earlier. My marriage may have received graces to survive.

May I suggest you speak to your mother’s priest before you make any further decision. I personally can’t see a priest agreeing to marry you with your current views, but then a priest married me (much to my mother’s disbelief). But generally speaking you have to agree to raise your kids Catholic, abide by the teachings of the Church etc.

When family refuse to attend relatives weddings that are conducted outside of the Church, it can often create a rift whereby little is gained in the way of at least being in a position later down the track to be a witness to that couple of the faith, and to their future children.

I never regretted my choice to return to the faith. It was the best choice I ever made. I pray that you will come to the same realisation at some stage, just as I know your mother is praying the same thing, and I know my mother is praying the same thing for my sister.

Do you believe in prayer? may I suggest you do some praying to the Holy Spirit about this.

 

[otjm]

There is an old phrase: “To thine own self be true”.

If you truly feel as you state, about the Church, then getting married in front of a priest is to act out a lie, as you do not (it would seem) believe that marriage is a sacrament, and that it has some meaning religiously beyond the State’s position that it is a contract.

I would assume that you have personal integrity. That would mean, for most purposes, that lying is not an activity that would coincide with that personal integrity.

And that would put you in the position of having to lie to any priest who asked you if you believe as Catholics believe - which means that marriage is a sacrament; that it is for life (as in, no divorce); that it is open to new life (which means that birth control by chemical or mechanical means is not a possibility).

You are getting family pressure. That can cloud most people’s judgment; it should come as no surprise that it may be causing you to question what you need to do to “keep peace in the family”.

As to your parents and/or your siblings “going to hell”, that is not a correct and nuanced statement of the Church’s position. If you have actually abandoned the Church (and from your statement I cannot exactly tell), then you are not held to the form the Church requires for Catholics. And if you are not held to the form, then your parents are not going to hell for attending your wedding. That is assuming that a priest actually said this to them (and that it is not a translation of something else he may have said); but if you have any question about this, then I would suggest you speak either with another priest, or better, with someone at the chancery of the diocese in which you reside.

As your spouse to be is not baptized Christian (assuming that is the case) you could not have a nuptial wedding to begin with; you would have a ceremony not particularly longer than what a judge or a Protestant minister might provide.

So the short of it is that if you truly believe as you say you do, to stand before a priest and be married is to say one thing when you believe another. The marriage ceremony may have one meaning to you, and another to others (such as your parents, and the priest) and to stand up and go through something because of family pressure is to lack integrity of your own professed beliefs.

How you got to this position is not a subject of this discussion; but you have most likely figured out by now that it is a position with which your parents disagree - and probably strongly (particularly as you have noted their response of recent). That is a hard pill for anyone to swallow, and it will be hard for them, and for you. It is, however, a matter again of your integrity of your belief system and your rejection of theirs. either you are true to yourself, or you bend (which is another way to say, you lie) to them.

It may have repercussions for some time into the future, but you need to have an honest conversation with them along the lines of “This is my belief. I still love you as my parents; but I don’t believe as you do, and to take part in a ceremony that has one meaning to you and not to me is to act out a lie. I respect your beliefs but do not believe them; please respect my beliefs and my unwillingness to go through with what would be a public lie.”

 

[ADiosgracias]

You keep your principles and you do not want to be married in the Catholic Church. Let your parents do the same thing and they do not attend your wedding .Each of you must respect their beliefs and no one should be offended by following them.

 

[js_cat3391]

Jesus is always here waiting for you if you want to come back.

 

[Offdoodykcrn]

There is an old phrase: “To thine own self be true”.

As to your parents and/or your siblings “going to hell”, that is not a correct and nuanced statement of the Church’s position.

Thank goodness. I was hoping this wasn’t the case. I’ve heard that some religions do hold their congregations to that extreme standard.

 

[St_Francis]

Serena,
it seems to me that you are in a difficult place, and your family is in a difficult place.

What I would suggest is that you go through the pre-Cana process, and not make a decision about marrying in the Church until you and your fiance have completed that process. On the one hand, it may help you with your faith or lack thereof, on the other hand, it is (usually) a good pre-marital thing to go through. Also, if you ever decided to return to the Fatih (not unheard of!!!), your fiance would have some background information.

If it happened that at the end of the pre-Cana process you found yourself unable to honestly get married in the Church, don’t do it. You are getting married and you should not do things just to please your parents anymore.

Your parents may then decide that they cannot attend your wedding and that’s all right. Just as it is all right (in one way) for you to make your decision, it is all right for them to make theirs.

Do not let their refusal to come to your wedding bring up a bar between you and them. Try to keep it all peaceful. They may be upset, but let them grieve in peace and don’t argue with them; let them know you love them and respect their decusion, then keep the door open so that you all can maintain your relationship with them.

I am a mother and I may be faced with this situation myself, and I have also done things which my parents didn’t like (like returning to the Church and “brainwashing” my children!).

 

[SecretGarden]

Speak to your local priest and see what he says. Since you aren’t practicing the Catholic faith, I can see your dilemma: in one way you want to respect your family and the other you also want to be true to yourself. You can always do both to appease the two sides by first having the wedding you described and then you could also have a short mass at your parents church with only a few close family members. As you figure out what to do, why don’t you begin to research the Catholic teachings and begin to pray and see where that leads.

 

[acacia12]

You stated that you have tuned your back on your Catholic faith…your choice. You have chosen to marry outside the Church. You are grown and your parents need to know(be reminded) this is what you want. With that comes the possibility that your parents will not attend. That is their choice. Yes it hurts, but as adults comes consequences to our choices and the decisions that we make(good/bad). Good luck and congrats on your future wedding.

 

[serinatran]

Wow thanks for all of these responses. The whole going to hell that might have been my moms interpretation from what the priest said.

I do believe in a lot of the catholic teachings of love and I do believe that this marriage will be permanent. I do not believe in divorce. I guess I am a scientist and I find it hard to have faith in something without empirical evidence. So there is no empirical evidence for the existence of god or for him not existing. Therefore I am keeping an open mind and hence my agnosticism.

I think part of the problem is that it has been hard to talk to my parents about my lack of faith. And the idea of them not being at the wedding really saddens me so I wanted to do what I could to keep the peace as someone above mentioned. I will attend the pre Cana classes because I think that would really help with our future marriage. I will try to talk to a priest too to find out what my parents can do to still attend the wedding as I would really like for them to be there.

Can someone tell me more about why it is a sin for my parents to attend my wedding? Is it because I was baptized as a catholic and so must be married in the church for the marriage to be valid? If they were just attending a ceremony between two non Catholics then it wouldn’t be a sin right? Even if it was a sin, would they still be able to attend and then ask for forgiveness after the fact?

I guess another part of my issue with the Catholic Church has always been their intolerance of certain things. It seems a bit harsh to say that a parent cannot attend their child’s wedding because they do not share the same faith. I was trying to respect my parents beliefs which was why I was considering trying to get married in the church to make them happy but as others have mentioned above I cannot lie about my beliefs.

I do appreciate all the advice and I hope that there will be some solution that will make both me and my parents happy.

 

[Cat_Herder]

when I turned 18 I decided to stop practicing Catholicism and I consider myself agnostic now.

If you are agnostic then why do you believe in marriage? Why do you value it, why do you want it, and why are you disturbed what other people think about your proposed marriage?

You recognize that marriage is an inalienable right, which is why you are seeking to exercise the right despite your position with regard to religion. Because you recognize that marriage is an inalienable right, you hold that it is not a right given by men–if men gave you the right they could take it away, therefore it would not be inalienable. That’s why you’re here trying to figure out how to deal with what (consciously or subconsciously) you perceive to be men in the way of the exercise of your inalienable right. But to have an inalienable right, you must have a source of the right that is superior to men, therefore you must have a Supreme Being Who gives you the right. Therefore you believe in a Supreme Being, and therefore, you’re not agnostic (which is no surprise: no one is agnostic because all agnostics assert an inalienable right to be agnostic and therefore presuppose the existence of a Supreme Being).

Anyway, I think you just need a little help understanding Catholicism, and you’re in the right place for that.

The Basics

Prove to me that God exists
  Long Version
  Short Version

Prove to me that Jesus Christ is the Messiah of the Bible

Prove to me that the Catholic Church is the Church that Jesus founded

Hopefully you will read over all that and reassure yourself that Catholicism is not a set of arbitrary man-made rules. There is a God, He died for your sins, and He established a Church to forgive sins in His name. So reassure yourself and then go to Confession, then enter the pre-Cana process with your fiancé. Hopefully you can share the resources here with your spouse and he will agree to convert, but if he does not, you will need a dispensation from your bishop to be married.

 

[Gorgias]

Wow, wow, wow… lots of inaccurate information in this thread! OK – let me respond to you, serinatran, and also, to some of the things others have said…

I guess I am a scientist and I find it hard to have faith in something without empirical evidence. So there is no empirical evidence for the existence of god or for him not existing.

This is a question for a different day, and not necessarily something to resolve today, but you seem to have a rather unrealistic expectation with respect to evidential standards. You’re a scientist, and so, within the context of your work, you have a certain standard for the evidence that you utilize. Is that the same standard that you require in other areas? When your fiance tells you that he loves you, do you require it to be repeatable? Measurable? Unambiguous and not requiring interpretation? Of course not. Then why must faith meet the same standard?

And the idea of them not being at the wedding really saddens me so I wanted to do what I could to keep the peace as someone above mentioned.

Naturally, you want your parents there. But, they’re holding to a particular standard of evidence, too: their standards expect a wedding that is valid according to the rules of the Catholic Church. It seems a bit like a double standard: you require certain ‘proofs’ and disregard the norms of their faith lives, but are asking them to disregard the standards that they live by for the sake of your ‘special day’. Is that a fair expectation?

Can someone tell me more about why it is a sin for my parents to attend my wedding?

The “my parents will go to hell if they attend my wedding” seems a bit harsh. However, if someone asked you to give public witness to an expression of faith – an expression of faith in which you didn’t believe – would you feel comfortable doing so? This is the situation that you’re placing them in, and asking them to abandon their faith in favor of your family relationship. Can you see the difficulties that this presents to them?

Is it because I was baptized as a catholic and so must be married in the church for the marriage to be valid?

Your separation from practice of the Catholic faith does not make you a non-Catholic: that would be like wearing a piece of leather, mooing, and expecting us to believe that you’re now a cow. There’s a certain sacramental reality that happens when you’re baptized, that you can’t just say is no longer in effect based on the actions that you take. When otjm wrote, “you are not held to the form the Church requires for Catholics”, this is not correct. The Church, since it sees you as a Catholic, still holds you to the requirements for a Catholic marriage, and this includes the form of marriage (being married by a Catholic priest in good standing, in a church, preferably your parish church, etc).

Without the attempt to fulfill the requirements of form, then your marriage would be non-existent in the eyes of the Church. (This is probably the gist of what your parents’ pastor was saying: he was asking them whether there was any hypocrisy in witnessing to a sacramentally non-existent marriage, and whether such witness was sinful. In doing so, he asks a good question. )

If they were just attending a ceremony between two non Catholics then it wouldn’t be a sin right?

Apples and oranges, no? You two aren’t “two non-Catholics”, even if you – as a baptized Catholic – don’t practice your faith. So the question has to be asked more accurately, noting that this is a marriage of a non-practicing Catholic and a non-Catholic, outside of the Catholic form of marriage…

Even if it was a sin, would they still be able to attend and then ask for forgiveness after the fact?

Strictly speaking, no. One can’t attempt to “game the system” by sinning (and doing so, expecting forgiveness) and then later asking for forgiveness. That’s called “presumption”, and this itself is a sin. You’re a scientist, right? So, what you’re doing here is asking your parents to fake an experiment and publish ‘results’, and later come back and generate the results they were hoping to find. That’s acceptable? :nope:

I guess another part of my issue with the Catholic Church has always been their intolerance of certain things.

‘Intolerance’? I might question that interpretation of what’s going on here…

It seems a bit harsh to say that a parent cannot attend their child’s wedding because they do not share the same faith.

You’re right – if that was what was going on, that might seem harsh. However, that’s not what’s going on. The Church isn’t saying “don’t attend because of spiritual practice”; rather, the Church is saying “it’s a matter of metaphysical reality, not of spiritual practice”. You are Catholic (but not practicing), and therefore, the Church is asking your parents to act in accord to that reality.

I was trying to respect my parents beliefs which was why I was considering trying to get married in the church

I can see that you’re trying to be a good child. However, please note that “getting married in a church” or “getting married by someone who calls themselves a Catholic priest” is not the same as “getting married in the church”. If I were to call myself a Buddhist monk, or point to my house and call it a Buddhist temple, would you say that getting married there is ‘getting married in the Buddhist tradition’? Of course not.

I hope that there will be some solution that will make both me and my parents happy.

If their happiness depends on you being married in a valid Catholic ceremony, and you’re unwilling to do so, is there a solution that will validly make you both happy? Sorry to rain on your parade, but I’m just asking the question…

 

[Cat_Herder]

Sorry, I didn’t see your subsequent post.

Wow thanks for all of these responses. The whole going to hell that might have been my moms interpretation from what the priest said.

As you’re implying, it’s a bad idea to judge based on hearsay.

I do believe in a lot of the catholic teachings of love and I do believe that this marriage will be permanent. I do not believe in divorce. I guess I am a scientist and I find it hard to have faith in something without empirical evidence. So there is no empirical evidence for the existence of god or for him not existing. Therefore I am keeping an open mind and hence my agnosticism.

Here’s your empirical evidence. We Catholics know something about science, after all, we invented the scientific method.

Can someone tell me more about why it is a sin for my parents to attend my wedding?

It’s because it raises scandal. You’re going to make vows to God; if you don’t believe that God exists, then you’re essentially falsely swearing in public, and since the audience are witnesses to what would be false oaths, that makes it even worse. But since you’re not an agnostic and you DO believe in God (as explained in the previous post), there won’t be a problem as long as you recognize that and reconcile with the Church. We’re here to help.

I guess another part of my issue with the Catholic Church has always been their intolerance of certain things. It seems a bit harsh to say that a parent cannot attend their child’s wedding because they do not share the same faith.

Again, the problem is scandal: you can’t swear a false oath, so fix what makes it false (recognize you do believe in God and therefore are not an agnostic; go to Confession). Dispensations of cult (permission to marry a non-Christian, in your case a Buddhist) can be granted by the Catholic bishop, in which case there would be no scandal as long as you have reconciled to the Church (i.e. gone to confession for your time away and for drifting into agnosticism). But it would be better for your spouse to convert first, for the sake of your marriage and your children.