Help father-in-law? How?

  • Thread starter Thread starter kardelea
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
K

kardelea

Guest
Hi,

This is kind of complicated, so bear with me! My DH’s parents have been divorced for many years, and we have a good relationship with his mom. His dad struggles with depression, doesn’t hold a job, and has not been present in DH’s life since high school. He gets by by doing odd jobs for friends, selling paintings, and playing music on weekends in his band. He refuses to get a ‘normal’ job. He pretty much just works enough to eat and pay rent, though he’s gotten kicked out of several apartments for failing to do the latter.

DH and I met in high school, dated through college, and have been married for 5 years. But, his dad is pretty much a stranger to me. We really only hear from him when he needs help. DH has given him money in the past when he has asked. Since we’ve been married, he hasn’t given him money but has tried to help him in other ways when he has needed it (e.g., paying to have his car fixed, buying him food, storing his things for him, helping him move). We see/hear from him about once a year, probably. We invited him over many times for holidays, etc., but he has never come.

DH’s dad left a message on DH’s phone today that the friend he’d been living with had kicked him out and he’s been living on the street. DH, of course, has to call him back, but we don’t know what to do!

DH seems to think we should offer our home to him. I feel really uncomfortable doing that – we have two small girls (2.5 and 0.5) and a small home, he’s a heavy smoker, it would be really awkward for me, I don’t have faith that he’d ever leave, and the list goes on. On the other hand, we feel like we have to do something. Also, we don’t know if bailing him out would really help him or just enable him to continue his distructive lifestyle. On the other hand, he’s DH’s DAD, whom he loves, and he’s living on the street!

Advice please!
 
You will get many answers here. My advice, talk to your Priest - he knows you better than we do.

If it were me, I’d let my FIL move in (with house rules, we go to Mass, no smoking in the house, look for work, etc.)
 
I only know what you have posted here.

Having said that…

I don’t think you FIL is destructive. He’s just one of those persons who can live like he does, he doesn’t need security, etc, maybe he has more faith than either of us realize. I have a friend like this.

Do you have anywhere in the house that he can have a little personal space? A small bedroom?

I would let my DH make the decision and I would stand behind him. FIL moving in may be a blessing, and always remember, crosses turn to crowns in heaven.

Yep, rules. That smoking would be the main thing for me.

Praying for you.
 
Thanks for the advice. I agree that the best thing to do is support DH’s decision. Though, the idea of his dad moving in is really horrifying to me. So far, it hasn’t come to that. We had him, DH’s brother and his wife, and DH’s mom for dinner over the weekend, and that went well. DH’s dad was able to have a good meal, see his family (he really loves our girls even though he never sees them – I think it’s depression that makes him isolate himself from his family), and shower. I washed his clothes while he, DH, and my brother-in-law worked on a resume and put his info online through a temp agency. I felt really good about how it went. I don’t know what will happen next.

Right now, my FIL is staying with various friends but doesn’t know where he’ll be from day to day. I wouldn’t be suprised if he ended up with us …

To answer your question, we don’t have a room for him. We could give him the couch or rearrange my daughters. They are in separate rooms now because their bedtimes don’t match and number 2 still gets once most nights. So this way she doesn’t disturb her big sister.

I see your point about his behavior not being destructive. In some ways it is and in some ways it isn’t. If he could support himself, it would be fine, but he can’t. At least not for long. He’s in a continuous cycle between barely getting by and desperation. In the barely getting by phase, we don’t hear from him. In the desperation phase, we do.
 
kardelea said:
…My DH’s parents have been divorced for many years, and we have a good relationship with his mom. His dad struggles with depression, doesn’t hold a job, and has not been present in DH’s life since high school. He gets by by doing odd jobs for friends, selling paintings, and playing music on weekends in his band. He refuses to get a ‘normal’ job. He pretty much just works enough to eat and pay rent, though he’s gotten kicked out of several apartments for failing to do the latter. So you’re telling me that your FIL is not the most stable of persons, right?

…his dad is pretty much a stranger to me. We really only hear from him when he needs help. DH has given him money in the past when he has asked. Since we’ve been married, he hasn’t given him money but has tried to help him in other ways when he has needed it (e.g., paying to have his car fixed, buying him food, storing his things for him, helping him move). We see/hear from him about once a year, probably. We invited him over many times for holidays, etc., but he has never come. And here you’re telling me that your DH does not have a close relationship with his father.

DH’s dad left a message on DH’s phone today that the friend he’d been living with had kicked him out and he’s been living on the street. What got him kicked out? It is very important to find the answer to this.

DH seems to think we should offer our home to him. I feel really uncomfortable doing that – we have two small girls (2.5 and 0.5) and a small home, he’s a heavy smoker, it would be really awkward for me, I don’t have faith that he’d ever leave, and the list goes on. On the other hand, we feel like we have to do something. Also, we don’t know if bailing him out would really help him or just enable him to continue his distructive lifestyle. On the other hand, he’s DH’s DAD, whom he loves, and he’s living on the street! These are all very good reasons NOT to let his dad move into your house. This could very well cause problems in your marriage. It could cause hard feelings, and set up something for your kids.

Advice please!
Click to expand...
Since you asked-

Just because you are Catholic Christians does not mean you have to let your FIL live with you, esp. if you have small children. Dad obviously has trouble getting along in life in any event. It looks like it might not be the best thing for him, and it’s not the best thing for you or your children.

You have to help Dad have a roof over his head. It does not have to be your place. Despite what your DH might think, FIL can stay in a shelter and not die. Many shelters will help him get his act together. Your FIL can stay in a one-room or efficiency apartment or transient motel. If there are other relatives, he can stay with them, particularly if they have no small kids.

You are not being selfish by denying your FIL a place under your roof. You are protecting your children, and your marriage.

I would really think twice about this one. I’ve had experience with bipolar, depressed and alcoholic people who lfit from place to place. I would also urge you to PM LSK. Dear Leslie is somewhat of a lay expert on this sort of thing. She also has a blog, http://journals.aol.com/lsk49rs/CatholicThoughts/.
 
Hi,

Thanks for your post. It made me feel a little better about my gut feeling, which is for his moving in to be an absolute last resort. I agree with you that a homeless shelter would not be the end of the world. DH just feels like he needs to be responsible for his dad. So, I’m trying to give my oppinion while letting my husband ultimately decide. Clearly, neither of us wants him to move in, but DH is more receptive to the idea than I am.

To answer your question, he got kicked out of his friend’s house because the friend meant for it to be a temporary arrangement. He had set up ground rules, like that DH’s dad had to actively look for work, and DH’s dad made no effort to get back on his feet. So, the friend confronted him about taking advantage of him, and DH’s dad left. This is another reason I don’t want him to move in – what if he never leaves willingly?

DH has a brother who lives near us with their wife. They have no children and a spare room, and had initially considered letting DH’s dad move in there until he can find work. BUT, DH’s mom convinced them not to. She said it would ruin their marriage. For some reason, she doesn’t feel the same way about his moving in with us, though I think it would be a much worse arrangement because of the kids. Eric (my husband) says I should take it as a compliment that she thinks our marriage is so strong. I guess that’s one way to look at it! 🤷
 
Hi,

Thanks for your post. It made me feel a little better about my gut feeling, which is for his moving in to be an absolute last resort. I agree with you that a homeless shelter would not be the end of the world. DH just feels like he needs to be responsible for his dad. So, I’m trying to give my oppinion while letting my husband ultimately decide. Clearly, neither of us wants him to move in, but DH is more receptive to the idea than I am.

To answer your question, he got kicked out of his friend’s house because the friend meant for it to be a temporary arrangement. He had set up ground rules, like that DH’s dad had to actively look for work, and DH’s dad made no effort to get back on his feet. So, the friend confronted him about taking advantage of him, and DH’s dad left. This is another reason I don’t want him to move in – what if he never leaves willingly?

DH has a brother who lives near us with their wife. They have no children and a spare room, and had initially considered letting DH’s dad move in there until he can find work. BUT, DH’s mom convinced them not to. She said it would ruin their marriage. For some reason, she doesn’t feel the same way about his moving in with us, though I think it would be a much worse arrangement because of the kids. Eric (my husband) says I should take it as a compliment that she thinks our marriage is so strong. I guess that’s one way to look at it! 🤷
 
Sorry my last post went up twice. I just thought I’d add that my FIL doesn’t use drugs or drink alcohol at all, but he has had trouble with drinking in the past.
 
kardelea said:
To answer your question, he got kicked out of his friend’s house because the friend meant for it to be a temporary arrangement. He had set up ground rules, like that DH’s dad had to actively look for work, and DH’s dad made no effort to get back on his feet. So, the friend confronted him about taking advantage of him, and DH’s dad left.
Click to expand...
**I think this is an important point. Your hubby’s dad did NOT get kicked out. He left because he refused to follow the rules of a generous friend who was trying to help him.

I really think you need to help your hubby see that he can help his dad without putting you, and your children, in such an unstable situation.

If you both decide to let him move in I think you need to do so under the assumption that he will not change, he will not look for work, and he will stay as long as he can get away with it. If you are both still ok with that, open your home.

Hopefully you can figure out what kind of arrangement will be good for all of you. I still vote for your brother/sister in law’s place…if a shelter (my number one vote) is not an option.
**
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top