Help for a struggling husband

  • Thread starter Thread starter artos
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
A

artos

Guest
Hi everyone. Honestly, I’m not sure what to say. I’m a complete newbie here (literally just registered) and looking for some help. I’m in the process of converting to Catholicism from membership in a Methodist church, but my marriage is falling apart.

My wife told me last night, not for the first time, that she hates me. She’s terrified of me (I have never physically abused her), and she warned me that I’m rapidly heading for a divorce or something like it. She regards me as weak and fake all the time, saying that I just put up masks and don’t really commit myself to anything. We never really talk anymore, just fight, and while we’re trying to keep it from everyone how bad it is, I know our older kids are aware of it to some extent (we have a 10 y/o, a 9 y/o and a 1 y/o). She panics any time I’m nearby, and, when panicking, can become violent. I have been scratched, bitten, hit and choked. I know there’s some truth in her complaints, I’ve never been good at really going for things, at putting myself out there, and I’m constantly afraid of everything, so I put up a front to make it seem okay. This just terrifies her more.

At this point, I don’t know what to do anymore. I want my marriage to last, to succeed, to be wonderful in fact. I love my wife, but i don’t know how to make things better with her. I guess what I’m asking is for advice, in life or even just in what a Catholic husband and man is supposed to be like. I feel lost and like I don’t even know what to do anymore.

I’m sorry for complaining, but I didn’t know where else to turn and this really is tearing me apart.
 
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I wish had some tangible help to offer. What I will do for you is pray for you, your wife, and for your marriage. St. Rita, pray for us! Our Mother of Perpetual Help, pray for us! St. Michael, pray for us!
 
I’m so sorry.

I really would recommend counselling, for you on your own, for your wife on her own, and for you together. I don’t really have any other advice for you, but if you both want things to change and you try your best, I have every hope it will get better for you. Make sure your children know you love them and you will always be there to support them, no matter what. Make sure they know they are not at fault.

Lou
 
You and your wife need professional marriage counseling ASAP, to find out what is really going on and how to fix it. If she won’t go, then go by yourself; starting a prayer life can’t hurt! :signofcross: Fight FOR your marriage, not WITH your wife.
 
Praying for you, your wife, your children & your marriage. Please seek counseling.
 
Oh dear. Be really careful. She could call the police on you if she’s in such a state.
 
Yes counseling…
Was there a catalyst or crisis that makes your wife fear you and panic violently? Or just her opinion of u being fake?
 
Lou2U said:
I’m so sorry.

I really would recommend counselling, for you on your own, for your wife on her own, and for you together. I don’t really have any other advice for you, but if you both want things to change and you try your best, I have every hope it will get better for you. Make sure your children know you love them and you will always be there to support them, no matter what. Make sure they know they are not at fault.

Lou
Click to expand...
I second this.

Your wife sounds like she has a lot of anger toward you. She also sounds like she may be holding back saying things and her frustration causes her to get physical and attack you.

Please make an appointment with your parish priest and ask for his help. He may be able to direct you toward help.

Is your wife Catholic? If not, perhaps this is a problem for her. If she is Catholic, I hope that you and she and your children are all attending mass together.
 
Why is she terrified? You both need counseling, separately and together. Domestic violence is not less of a big deal just because you are a man. Document everything and protect yourself.
 
AClaire11 said:
Why is she terrified? You both need counseling, separately and together. Domestic violence is not less of a big deal just because you are a man. Document everything and protect yourself.
Click to expand...
Yes.

What she is doing is unacceptable regardless of the reason. It is domestic violence. Please seek counseling as soon as you can and make sure that your children are safe. It is not good for them to witness their parents acting in this way, and if I were in your shoes I would be very worried that she may behave similarly with them (or be on the path to it.)
 
I don’t really have any advice to give you on this, except to echo what has already been said. The only other thing I could say is perhaps try your best not to engage in fights with her and to tell her you don’t want to fight if she starts an argument. Perhaps you’ve already been doing that though.

I’ll certainly be praying for you and your family.
 
Oh, dear, this sounds awful.

Yes, this really is a case for counseling. There is a lot of missing info here that a good counselor can quickly access. If you try to explain it here, it will only get very, very long, and you will only waste your energy, because it will be the same answer in the end: you need a counselor, who can sort out the issue. The issue being one of these:
  • You have some kind of disorder/brokenness that is making you be abusive in an non-physical way, and so she is reacting sort of crazily, which is natural.
  • She has some kind of disorder/brokenness that is making her abuse in a verbal (and physical) way, and you are reacting sort of crazily, which is natural.
  • You both have serious issues, playing off each other.
It would be good for you to know what the core of the issue really is.

I had a difficult marriage (long over, and annulled) and in those years spent too much money, time and, most expensively, hope, on counselors which for the great majority took far more from us than they ever gave. But I found one Catholic counselor, Gregory Popcak, who does counseling over the phone, and it was worth more than I paid. He wrote good insightful books on marriage, and he really does get the whole picture. If there is any way to save this marriage, he will help you see this and guide you in a way that works. I can’t recommend him more highly. Counseling is never cheap (though Popcak does work on a sliding scale for fees as to your needs) so you don’t want to pay for a useless session, which happened to me far too often. His won’t be useless! His website: catholiccounselors.com/services/

You really seemed trapped in a helpless situation. Your wife says its your fault. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, but in your troubling situation, you can’t see. You the perspective of wise outside counsel.
 
pensmama87 said:
Yes.

What she is doing is unacceptable regardless of the reason. It is domestic violence. Please seek counseling as soon as you can and make sure that your children are safe. It is not good for them to witness their parents acting in this way, and if I were in your shoes I would be very worried that she may behave similarly with them (or be on the path to it.)
Click to expand...
Yeah, this is not ok at all. Like someone else said, document. And if you ever feel at risk of harm, leave and/or call the police. If she ever grabbed a knife or other weapon during one of these fits, you could be in danger.

Also, get the kids out of the house. Even if you aren’t ready to leave, send the kids to stay with grandma. You’ll never forgive yourself if she attacks one of them.

Frankly, it sounds like she’s suffering from delusions and she needs serious help. But you don’t need to risk your health and safety while she gets it.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Yeah, this is not ok at all. Like someone else said, document. And if you ever feel at risk of harm, leave and/or call the police. If she ever grabbed a knife or other weapon during one of these fits, you could be in danger.

Also, get the kids out of the house. Even if you aren’t ready to leave, send the kids to stay with grandma. You’ll never forgive yourself if she attacks one of them.

Frankly, it sounds like she’s suffering from delusions and she needs serious help. But you don’t need to risk your health and safety while she gets it.
Click to expand...
👍👍👍

Keep documenting, and if she refuses to get counseling, in this situation I’d honestly file and try to get primary, if not sole, custody. You or a child could be seriously injured or worse, like BEL said. If there are weapons in the house, get rid of them.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top