Help for Wife?

[LiturgyLover]

Hi all,

My wife and I have been Catholic now for almost 2 years. Before that, we were both non-denominational Protestants. Anyways, to cut to the chase… my wife has struggled with her Faith for quite a while now (well over a year). She has the hardest time believing God loves her, and furthermore she feels like she’s one of the worst sinners on the planet. She says when she was a Protestant things were so much easier, because “one little mistake” couldn’t send her to hell. Now she’s deathly afraid of mortal sin all the time (or at least, she was - read on). I’ve tried telling her over and OVER that she can’t commit a mortal sin by accident, that it has to be intentional, etc., but she says that doesn’t help. Lately she’s told me she’s just going to give up, that I don’t help her, she thought I was a more spiritual person than I am and could help her more, etc. I admit I haven’t had the passion for living my Faith that I should have had, but I feel powerless to help her. She says she’s happier now that God is off her back and she doesn’t have to be “good enough” for Him anymore. We just had a baby daughter about 4 months ago, and I’m terrified of trying to raise my little girl in the Faith with that kind of example

I firmly believe she is scrupulous (I have a touch of this problem as well, so I should know), but she refuses to admit it or seek spiritual guidance from a priest (she’s absolutely *terrified *of confession, and only goes every few months, if that - she wonders what the priest will think of her, that she’s such a horrible person, etc. - I’ve told her otherwise, but to no avail).

I’ve tried everything I can imagine… I’ve tried helping her with confession, but when she asks me questions about her sins, she just takes what I say the wrong way and gets offended and feels more like the worst person ever. I try to talk to her, and she says I just repeat the same stuff over and over again, I just lecture her, don’t listen, etc. I’ve tried writing emails to her. Same thing. I’ve tried reading her passages from St. Faustina’s diary on Divine Mercy - she says that when Jesus says He loves everyone, He means everyone *except *her. He just made an exception for her and only her (I’m hoping she’s not really serious on this point, but I’m afraid that she is). And besides, she said, even if He loved her and died for her, she’s not good enough for Him because of how horrible she is and how many sins she commits. She’s told me for months now that she “knows” she’s going to Hell.

Please help! What on earth can I do for her? I want to try to be a better listener, but I don’t know how! I’ve heard that women simply need to have their feelings affirmed, and for men not to try to “fix things”. But my problem is, how can I “affirm” thoughts that I consider nothing less than materially heretical and blasphemous?! (like her feelings that she should just give up, Jesus doesn’t love her, etc.) Are there any Church documents (especially dogmatic statements) that might convince her she’s not some exception to God’s grace? That she’s not “beyond help”, as she always says? She’s self-fulfilling prophecy by giving up on her faith because she thinks she’s going to hell anyway. I’m just at my wits end and afraid for our family and her soul HELP!

 

[CradleJourney]

Hi all,

My wife and I have been Catholic now for almost 2 years. Before that, we were both non-denominational Protestants. Anyways, to cut to the chase… my wife has struggled with her Faith for quite a while now (well over a year). She has the hardest time believing God loves her, and furthermore she feels like she’s one of the worst sinners on the planet. She says when she was a Protestant things were so much easier, because “one little mistake” couldn’t send her to hell. Now she’s deathly afraid of mortal sin all the time (or at least, she was - read on). I’ve tried telling her over and OVER that she can’t commit a mortal sin by accident, that it has to be intentional, etc., but she says that doesn’t help. Lately she’s told me she’s just going to give up, that I don’t help her, she thought I was a more spiritual person than I am and could help her more, etc. I admit I haven’t had the passion for living my Faith that I should have had, but I feel powerless to help her. She says she’s happier now that God is off her back and she doesn’t have to be “good enough” for Him anymore. ** We just had a baby daughter about 4 months ago, **and I’m terrified of trying to raise my little girl in the Faith with that kind of example

I firmly believe she is scrupulous (I have a touch of this problem as well, so I should know), but she refuses to admit it or seek spiritual guidance from a priest (she’s absolutely *terrified *of confession, and only goes every few months, if that - she wonders what the priest will think of her, that she’s such a horrible person, etc. - I’ve told her otherwise, but to no avail).

I’ve tried everything I can imagine… I’ve tried helping her with confession, but when she asks me questions about her sins, she just takes what I say the wrong way and gets offended and feels more like the worst person ever. I try to talk to her, and she says I just repeat the same stuff over and over again, I just lecture her, don’t listen, etc. I’ve tried writing emails to her. Same thing. I’ve tried reading her passages from St. Faustina’s diary on Divine Mercy - she says that when Jesus says He loves everyone, He means everyone *except *her. He just made an exception for her and only her (I’m hoping she’s not really serious on this point, but I’m afraid that she is). And besides, she said, even if He loved her and died for her, she’s not good enough for Him because of how horrible she is and how many sins she commits. She’s told me for months now that she “knows” she’s going to Hell.

Please help! What on earth can I do for her? I want to try to be a better listener, but I don’t know how! I’ve heard that women simply need to have their feelings affirmed, and for men not to try to “fix things”. But my problem is, how can I “affirm” thoughts that I consider nothing less than materially heretical and blasphemous?! (like her feelings that she should just give up, Jesus doesn’t love her, etc.) Are there any Church documents (especially dogmatic statements) that might convince her she’s not some exception to God’s grace? That she’s not “beyond help”, as she always says? She’s self-fulfilling prophecy by giving up on her faith because she thinks she’s going to hell anyway. I’m just at my wits end and afraid for our family and her soul HELP!

Bold is mine.

1. Pray. Pray. Pray. Pray. Pray.
2. Help her get enough physical rest and good nutrition to stay physically healthy (not easy to do with a new baby)
3. Give her time and space - lead by example. Show her the love God has for her in the way you treat her - with respect, kindness, understanding, compassion, and most of all patience.
4. Affirm her worth as a mom, as a wife, and as a person. Don’t overpraise but acknowledge her unique strengths and characteristics and abilities.
5. Realize that pregnancy and post-partum hormones can be extremely powerful and play huge roles in a woman’s mental and emotional states. Give her time. But if her negativity seems to be developing into depression, seek medical help.
6. Regarding yourself - have faith in God - you know she’s struggling - so does He. And He loves her and your new baby and you. Do what you can and then trust Him to do the rest. Remember what phrase is used over and over in the bible? Fear not.

Congratulations on your new little one!

 

[MJJean]

I agree with the above poster, except I think this may be a mental health issue, as well as a spiritual issue. Has your wife been seen by a doctor and explained her problems to him or her? She could very well be depressed, feeling anxiety and pressure, at the mercy of rampaging hormones, etc.

One of the best things I have heard in a long time that helped me with the fear of confession was said in a Matthew Kelly lecture we found on CD. He was talking about someone avoiding Confession because they were afraid of what the priest would think of them and their horrible sins. Mr. Kelly said “Don’t flatter yourself. You’re not that original.” After I stopped chuckling, I realized it’s true! Priests hear it all. And they’re there to help. Going to Confession is a great help for those struggling and would probably be especially helpful to your wife. If she has a good sense of humor, maybe try the Matthew Kelly line and see if it would help her feel more comfortable going.

 

[agnes_therese]

I agree with the above poster, except I think this may be a mental health issue, as well as a spiritual issue. Has your wife been seen by a doctor and explained her problems to him or her? She could very well be depressed, feeling anxiety and pressure, at the mercy of rampaging hormones, etc.

This. You said your daughter was born 4 months ago – has she talked to her doctor about post-partum depression? I can see where combining that with even a little bit of scrupulosity would have results like this. She’s obviously not thinking clearly (the part about Jesus making an exception just for her – as opposed to abortionists and serial killers?) tells you that.

I would suggest a visit to her doctor – by BOTH of you.

 

[bzkoss236]

We can never be “good enough” for God, that is why we need Christ. And yes, it does appear she has scruples.

I agree with the other posters that you should live by example, show that you don’t need to be in fear of hell if you do the best you can. And if you do fall into sin, like pretty much everyone does, go to confession and seek forgiveness. God doesn’t make it hard for us, we make it hard on ourselves for making it seem like such an impossible task. I know my wife struggled with that to an extent (and she’s still a non-Catholic Christian; though she’s hoping to convert), and she still struggles with it from time to time. She feels as though she’s not worthy enough to approach Christ, and I just have to constantly reassure her that Christ is there for us, waiting for us, and that we are the only ones holding ourselves back from Christ. I tell her that he loves her and wants her to approach him so that she may be forgiven. And if she says she finds it too hard, I suggest we pray together and ask for her forgiveness. And when the day comes where she comes Home, I’ll suggest we go to confession together, even if neither of us having anything really to confess.

Hope this helps.