Help! How do I deal with gossip?

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Please help me! About 10 years ago, God dealt with me to stop gossiping, so I did. But now, we’ve moved to a different state, and it seems that everyone wants to gossip, even about people that are just right across the room. What is a good way to deal with this? I’ve tried to change the subject, but that doesn’t seem to help. So, I avoid some people now since I just don’t know what to say or do. I try to work to evangelize and bring others deeper into their understanding and love for the Catholic Church, and I feel/know that if I get sucked into this, or brought into the middle of these gossip fests, it’s going to hurt my efforts. I want people to know that they can trust being around me, saying whatever they need to when they are searching for spiritual direction. I’m concerned that this gossiping is goingto hurt what I do.

Any suggestions on things that have worked for you??

God bless
 
Have a quiver of nice things to say about others. If you don’t know the person who is the subject of the gossip you can always find something nice about their clothes, posture, speech etc. I think the nice comment makes it awkward for the gossip to go back to the awful stuff, but they often will anyway so just keep up the positive plugs so they can talk about how naive you are to someone else…
 
Getting caught up in the gossip mill is such a difficult cross!
Small towns are notorious for this, too, and I live in one, so I hear you loud and clear.

What helps? For me it’s frequent confession, at least in the beginning. With each confession came more grace and sooner than later my visits for that particular sin fell few and far between, thank God. I really do thank Him daily for the strength he gave me through that sacrament.

The workplace is the hotbed for me. Home is easy because my kids learned the lesson early on about the uncharitableness of gossip. Even my husband learned early on in the marriage to take any gossip to his old buddy instead of try to share it with me. I’d always stop him before the story got ‘good’ to take the Catholic position on the situation and that took the ‘fun’ out of telling the story.

At church it’s bad, too, but because we’re all Catholic I can speak plainly about not going there and gently reprove the person telling the story. Those who can’t quit have learned not to say anything in my presence.

But at work, I can’t speak on behalf of Jesus (it’s a governmental institution) even though 99% of the people I work with on a daily basis are Christian. What has helped is that I keep spiritual music on my computer (nothing obvious to most people as being Catholic, but instrumental psalms and classical pieces, including some Gregorian chant). When the gossip mill starts grinding I make a point to get to my desk and turn on those tunes (usually I have secular music playing, if anything). It helps me remember who I am and that I am not alone in resisting the temptation before me.

I also have an alarm on my computer to tell me when it’s 3pm so I can play the Divine Mercy chaplet in song. That helps a lot.

God has also blessed me with one-on-one opportunities with some of my co-workers to allow me to reveal to them that gossiping is a habit I struggle to resist and would appreciate their calling me on it should I be guilty of it in their presence. That has helped too. I credit Jesus for given me the courage to take that approach. Sure enough, they each agreed it is a difficult habit to break, they admitted they are guilty of being weak in that regard, too, and we got better at supporting each other when ‘others’ come in and start gossiping. More often than not, now, we give each other a ‘look’ that acts as a signal for each of us to walk away from the discussion. Later, when the others leave they have thanked me for initiating the ‘walk-away’, and then we talk about how hard or easy it was to do so.
 
I learned some tricks from my mother, who despised gossip, which was the chief recreation of her friends and neighbors in the days when most women were home all day with kids. When someone made an unkind remark she would say, Mary is my friend and I won’t listen to anyone speak against my friend. She would also when invited to join in a cat fest, as in “Don’t you think Mary’s looking ill, I bet she is pregnant/fighting with her husband/drinking again” or whatever, she would respond, “I think Mary is looking well, and I admire her so much for being such a good wife and mother.” or some similar compliment. I once heard her say to a neighbor who was a notorious gossip “I promise not to speak about you that way if you stop trashing Mary.”
 
Jesus1 said:
Please help me! About 10 years ago, God dealt with me to stop gossiping, so I did. But now, we’ve moved to a different state, and it seems that everyone wants to gossip, even about people that are just right across the room. What is a good way to deal with this? I’ve tried to change the subject, but that doesn’t seem to help. So, I avoid some people now since I just don’t know what to say or do. I try to work to evangelize and bring others deeper into their understanding and love for the Catholic Church, and I feel/know that if I get sucked into this, or brought into the middle of these gossip fests, it’s going to hurt my efforts. I want people to know that they can trust being around me, saying whatever they need to when they are searching for spiritual direction. I’m concerned that this gossiping is goingto hurt what I do.

Any suggestions on things that have worked for you??

God bless
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When people are standing around coming and going gossiping about other people put it this way. “When you are standing
around gossiping about other people they are giving you a rest!”
 
I have a friend who simply states, “I don’t particpate in gossip.” She then excuses herself if people continue. People quickly learn not to do it around her or to try to draw her into it. She is quite popular and has plenty of friends without having to sacrifice her values.
 
I have found if I just say, God Bless her or him and may God Bless you too because you seem to be soooooo concerned about him or her. Shuts them up every time…
Prague
 
Thank you so much for your suggestions everyone, they are so good! I will be trying them out. What is that one saying, to be forewarned is to be forearmed? Now I know that I have some good things to say

Please pray that I have the courage to say these things!

Your suggestions are truly blest gifts for me:)

Please keep more suggestions coming! All of your wisdom could really help so many people that have been stumped in this situation too:)

God bless all of you, especially in your walk with Jesus!
 
The next time that I’m asked to participate in gossip I will say:
“Life is too short, and precious. We don’t know when Jesus will
call each of us to His Heavenly Kingdom. We have to live each day to the fullest, and not waste our idle time gossiping about other people.”

Smmr1321:)
 
Thank you for starting this thread, Jesus1. It was much to learn here. May be it’s a topic for another thread, but I ask the question here:

Does anybody have a good advice for how to react or what to say when you understand that the focus for the gossip is you? How do we break the evil circle when the subject for the gossip is ourselves?
 
So, nobody has reflected on how it feels to be the victim of gossip? Nobody had advice to give to the victims ??? Well you better have to … One day it can be you they are gossiping about. As a victim of that (mostly former victim), I can tell you that to be in the shoes of the one they gossip about, feels like being slowly grilled alive. It can destroy an innocent persons life for years (some times for the rest of the life here on earth) …

I have been there … It harmed me really bad. I’m not a person that usually give in very easily, but this nearly broke me … :mad: I’m glad I’m still alive, thanks to God :bowdown: :signofcross: and a wise priest that was willing to listen. I see gossip as some sort for slow murder, because the effects on the victim can be very dramatic even if they don’t show outside!

My question is still: What advice would you give to a person that they gossip about, if that person, sad and heartbroken came to you for advice for how to deal with this? How shall the person be able to deal with it and go on with his or her life?

http://www.yougotjesus.com/jesus2_1.jpg
 
GG -

I am a business owner. My employees talk about each other and about me behind my back all the time. I am sick of it.

Just last week, my husband and I had enough.

I confronted people.

So, my advice. Confront the people immediately. Do not wait for the gossip to get out of hand. Be willing to apologize if you have done something wrong that might have lead up to evil talk about you.

These people that I confronted at my business, I told them that I was sorry for anything that I have done (and I haven’t done anything, they just like to gossip)…

So, first, the person gossiping knows that they are telling someone who loves you and is willing to let you know what they are saying…maybe be confronting the person, they will stop. If they done, then you can at least lay your head down at night knowing that you have done nothing wrong.

My thinking, if a person can live with themselves being this way, then I can too, but don’t expect me not to call them out.

God bless,

Dana
 
DJgang said:
GG -

I am a business owner. My employees talk about each other and about me behind my back all the time. I am sick of it.

Just last week, my husband and I had enough.

I confronted people.

So, my advice. Confront the people immediately. Do not wait for the gossip to get out of hand. Be willing to apologize if you have done something wrong that might have lead up to evil talk about you.

These people that I confronted at my business, I told them that I was sorry for anything that I have done (and I haven’t done anything, they just like to gossip)…

So, first, the person gossiping knows that they are telling someone who loves you and is willing to let you know what they are saying…maybe be confronting the person, they will stop. If they done, then you can at least lay your head down at night knowing that you have done nothing wrong.

My thinking, if a person can live with themselves being this way, then I can too, but don’t expect me not to call them out.

God bless,

Dana
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In my case we have confronted the person several times. It is as if she doesn’t care since she has not changed her ways in the office. In thinking about it, I don’t think we are really gossiping as much as letting out our frustrations as we are all involved with this person. Except for my husband, who does not know her, I do not talk about her with anyone else, but I do listen to complaints from parishioners about her.
 
DJgang said:
(and I haven’t done anything, they just like to gossip)…
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Yes, I think you are right, those who gossip like to gossip. :eek:

Still it is a sin that if not stopped can kill if it’s really bad and long lasting. I see gossip as a personal flaw in the character of those who have to use such ugly ways of being toward their neighbors. It has nothing to do in a Christ believing person’s life. If people really believe in God, they have to see how awful this sin is and then turn their eyes on God and keep them there.

A priest once talked about the ugliness of gossiping in this way:
"Once there was a lady who came to confession and confessed that the had gossiped. The priest answered that before the absolution could be given she had to bring a hen. She went off and came back with a dead hen. Now the priest said that she had to pluck the feathers of the hen. She did as told, but the priest was still not willing to absolve her. He said that she had to go out to the sea or to a mountain and spread the feathers. She did so and the wind spread the feathers. She now went back to the priest for the absolution. The priest said that he only wanted one thing done before the absolution. He wanted her to gather all the feathers together again. She responded: “But Father, that is impossible!”

EXACTLY, it’s impossible to repair the damage done by gossiping!

G.G.
 
This is a real problem. I understand completely. I have several people in my life, who seem “drawn” to gossip with me. It’s been an ongoing struggle.

To straighten myself out, I’ve prayed for grace to overcome this tendency (and have had much success, thanks be to God!); I go to Confession frequently, and have also begun 2 weekday Masses… to get it under control. It is amazing how quickly Our Lord will move in your life, when we allow Him to.

But how to handle the situation… when someone else starts it. That’s a bit tougher. Here is what I will usually do.

I will listen for a moment or two… waiting for my chance to “jump in”. Then, I will say… “Oh, well… WE NEED TO PRAY FOR THAT PERSON… don’t we”. Then… make a quick, firm subject change. Most of the time… I have found, that this tactic is unexpected and pretty much leaves the gossiper at a loss for words.

And if it doesn’t work… be prepared to make an excuse for yourself, to leave. You might say, “Well, sorry but I have to get to the restroom”. And then, go and wash your hands, or comb your hair… just so you haven’t told an untruth. 😉 God bless. I know it’s a tough problem.
 
Sometimes I become analytical, like a psychologist or sociologist. This way the gossiper believes that I’m “respecting” or at least acknowledging her (usually her) “information,” but I become the neutral, nonjudgmental voice. Thus,

“Yes, well, so-and-so is probably reacting to a recent incident, {and then I often go off onto a safe, again neutral, tangent about something sociological and these “incidents” in general).” I generalize, I intellectualize, and skillfully reshape the conversation. It’s amazing how successful that is. Suddenly the gossiper becomes very interested in this new intellectual topic.

A frank support of the person being trashed (which would be my instinct, particularly if I do feel sympathetic to the person being trashed, but even if not) – is sometimes viewed as an insult to the gossiper, which risks offending the gossiper and further inflaming and perpetuating even more gossip. We should always be aiming to end the cycle instead. One way I do this (if I’m not using the above tactic) is to turn the blame on myself, thus:

“I know this person, too. I know what you’re talking about. I blame myself for this person’s reaction/action/words (etc.). I noticed that she was embarrassed/angry [fill in the blank] and I was in a position to come to her aid/answer her concerns (etc.), but I was too preoccupied with my own concerns to do so. I should have intervened; if I had, she wouldn’t have felt the need to hurt/lash out in anger, etc.” Trust me, this tactic utterly silences the gossiper, when you take responsibility – that is, if the object of gossip is someone you both know.
 
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