HELP! Husband is cheating

[Xantippe]

Of course my point was not for her to just tolerate her husband; the point of the story is that the woman there was calm. She did not panic. She did not let her emotions get to her and lash out at her husband. And that’s what I said–she should be calm in all this, not give in to to the situation. Another point of the story is what the woman said: eventually the philanderer will get tired of it. There’s nothing fulfilling in going to other partners. It might sound exciting at first, but then he will continue on looking for something, and will wander from one woman to another. It doesn’t sound very promising, and it isn’t, but OP must find out what’s causing this: why is her husband wandering around. She hinted that it must be because he is having problems with her faith. It might be causing friction in their marriage. She then must take the time to talk it out with him and find out why that is so, and then both of them get to a point where they can be both comfortable with whatever is causing it.

I wouldn’t expect anything very enlightening from that conversation. It’s pretty much begging him to blame it all on her.

From what I hear, there are two different kinds of cheaters.

1. One-offs where the cheater is eaten up with remorse. They can repent and stop.
2. Compulsive serial cheaters that never stop.

I’d like to think that compulsive serial cheaters can be reformed, but anecdotally, I don’t know I’ve ever heard of an example. (Although I think it does probably happen that a person will cheat with some partners, but not others.)

 

[Mummsie]

OP,

Your best hope for help in your situation is to go to the priest (as many others have said). Discuss with him all of your concerns (including the STD’s mentioned). The clues seem to be pointing to the sin of adultery. We need to remember we are all sinners. And still, God loves us all.

God Bless You.

 

[Vico]

Right. Married people, think about how you felt about your spouse when you’d been married under three years. At that point, did you even remember that other people aside from your spouse existed, sexually speaking?

It’s just plain weird and pathological in our culture (where we mostly marry for love) for cheating to happen before the three year mark.

“I thought I’d gotten other women out of my system, but after a year-long engagement, and then a year of marriage, I was cheating again.” To hear John, * 28, a pharmaceutical rep from New Jersey, talk about straying so soon after tying the knot, you might assume he’s a heartless, hormone-fueled aberration. In reality, he’s part of a growing trend: newlyweds who cheat.

“As surprising as it is, adultery is very common during the first year of marriage,” says Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D., author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin. Last year, researchers at the University of Washington Center for the Study of Health and Risk Behaviors who analyzed data on infidelity taken from the General Social Survey found that roughly 20 percent of men and 15 percent of women under age 35 copped to having sexual relationships outside of their marriage in 2006 (the latest figures available), up from 15 and 12 percent, respectively, 15 years earlier.

What gives? Part of the problem, says David Popenoe, Ph.D., founder and codirector of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, is that we’ve become an anything-goes society, in which the indiscretions of politicians, sports figures, and pop celebrities are practically daily news.

Also, “newlyweds have this sense about cheating that if you’re going to do it, do it now,” says M. Gary Neuman, an infidelity expert and author of The Truth About Cheating. “Men may feel that if the marriage was a mistake, it’s better to figure it out before things get even more entangled with kids and families.” And no doubt while their wives are least likely to be suspicious.

womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/cheating-in-a-marriage

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I don’t know if I would be of any help to this, but I will just recount a conversation I had with someone who have the same problem like yours. Her husband was also cheating on her, and she knows it. I asked her if that bothered her. Her answer is telling: she said as long as he comes home to them and takes care of the kids, then she isn’t worried. She said sooner or later he will get tired of going around and will become serious. I don’t know if that helped any, but I did remember that woman’s courage for not letting the issue affect her. IMO marriages begin to unravel once one party begins to become affected and let it get to him/her. Then the fighting begins. Then the blaming starts. I am not saying you have to sit back and watch. Talk to him, but be calm about it. Don’t blame. One of he biggest faults that can happen is once one starts the blame game. No one wins there. It will only start a vicious cycle. Listen to him and understand. He might be stressed, and finding a way to relieve it. Something might be triggering his actions. It can take awhile to sort it, but number one is to remain calm.

There is something about this post that caused revulsion in me. I have a very strong reaction to it. I cannot imagine worse advice.

 

[Xantippe]

“I thought I’d gotten other women out of my system, but after a year-long engagement, and then a year of marriage, I was cheating again.” To hear John, * 28, a pharmaceutical rep from New Jersey, talk about straying so soon after tying the knot, you might assume he’s a heartless, hormone-fueled aberration. In reality, he’s part of a growing trend: newlyweds who cheat.

“As surprising as it is, adultery is very common during the first year of marriage,” says Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D., author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin. Last year, researchers at the University of Washington Center for the Study of Health and Risk Behaviors who analyzed data on infidelity taken from the General Social Survey found that roughly 20 percent of men and 15 percent of women under age 35 copped to having sexual relationships outside of their marriage in 2006 (the latest figures available), up from 15 and 12 percent, respectively, 15 years earlier.

What gives? Part of the problem, says David Popenoe, Ph.D., founder and codirector of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, is that we’ve become an anything-goes society, in which the indiscretions of politicians, sports figures, and pop celebrities are practically daily news.

Also, “newlyweds have this sense about cheating that if you’re going to do it, do it now,” says M. Gary Neuman, an infidelity expert and author of The Truth About Cheating. “Men may feel that if the marriage was a mistake, it’s better to figure it out before things get even more entangled with kids and families.” And no doubt while their wives are least likely to be suspicious.

womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/cheating-in-a-marriage

Again, I think that’s probably a sign of major pathology, unless it’s just a one-off.

 

[kptrs]

There is something about this post that caused revulsion in me. I have a very strong reaction to it. I cannot imagine worse advice.

Oh, yeah. Throw this one out. Please disregard this, OP.

 

[Boulder257]

I’m sorry to hear this. How awful for you to receive such a nasty shock. For your sake and for your children, do see a priest and a marriage counselor. A priest will help you discern what God’s will is for your marriage, and a therapist will help you implement it. I’m praying for you and your family at this time. God bless.

Good advice