Help I’m Dying inside

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Andy_42

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Hi

Help, I want to die right now. 18 months ago I met a young woman who turned out to be catholic (I’m non religious). Truth is that pretty much from the outset when she told me about her faith, alarm bells started ringing in my head. However I continued to date her for six months in the hope that I would be able to resolve the conflict of our opposite views ……… I couldn’t. Time passed and I still hadn’t come to any conclusion. I broke up with her as it was the only way to stop this war going on in my head, I didn’t know what else to do.

Since then we’ve stayed in contact and met a couple of times. I know this probably wasn’t the right thing to do but I find stopping contact with her impossible. By breaking up with her I destroyed her and can’t live with the guilt. She has so much love to give but we are both fully aware that here in the UK there are very few catholic guys that follow catholic rules as closely as she does. Apparently there’s not 1 in her local church. I can’t be with her as i’m not catholic and to be quite honest, your rules concern me.

Id do pretty much anything to ensure her happiness. Apart from that is the one thing she wants which is for us to get back together.

I find myself unable to move on from this and don’t know what to do.

Andy
 
Which of the Church’s rules are the hardest for you to accept? I can see if you have no religion and weren’t brought up in one, it can be hard to understand why the Church teaches what it does. You must want some help in that department or you wouldn’t have mentioned it–I assume, so ask away and we’ll do our best to answer your concerns–not just so you and your gf can reconcile, but so you might understand why her faith is so important to her. 🙂
 
Andy_42 said:
Hi

Help, I want to die right now. 18 months ago I met a young woman who turned out to be catholic (I’m non religious). Truth is that pretty much from the outset when she told me about her faith, alarm bells started ringing in my head. However I continued to date her for six months in the hope that I would be able to resolve the conflict of our opposite views ……… I couldn’t. Time passed and I still hadn’t come to any conclusion. I broke up with her as it was the only way to stop this war going on in my head, I didn’t know what else to do.

Since then we’ve stayed in contact and met a couple of times. I know this probably wasn’t the right thing to do but I find stopping contact with her impossible. By breaking up with her I destroyed her and can’t live with the guilt. She has so much love to give but we are both fully aware that here in the UK there are very few catholic guys that follow catholic rules as closely as she does. Apparently there’s not 1 in her local church. I can’t be with her as i’m not catholic and to be quite honest, your rules concern me.

Id do pretty much anything to ensure her happiness. Apart from that is the one thing she wants which is for us to get back together.

I find myself unable to move on from this and don’t know what to do.

Andy
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Aw, Andy–I’m sorry this is happening.😦

I rememember hearing a program a few years ago, where a priest was talking about how an atheist young man, (not saying you’re atheist, but follow the story lol) met a Catholic girl, and the two started dating, and they came to that same crossroads that you speak of, here. The priest commented that the young man decided to give Catholicism a ‘shot,’ and eventually became so in love with Christ through the Church, that he converted. The moral of the story was…in the priest’s words…‘many a woman has led a man to Christ and His Church.’

Sometimes, God puts people in our lives for a reason. Sometimes, not always the reason we think it should be, but He has His own reasons. Maybe she is God’s way of bringing you to the faith? Never know. I would be open minded towards Catholicism…there were things that concerned me, and I grew up Catholic. :o

Just my hopeful two cents for you.🙂
 
I’m so sorry for the pain you are in. Broken relationships take a very long time to heal…

One thing you said really stood out–that Catholic rules concern you.

I know you’ve posted on here several times lately–about vasectomies, having children, etc. Have you tried to actually read what the church teaches? Have you read the Catechism/encylicals? Perhaps doing so would give you something to focus on and allow you to better understand the Catholic faith that is so dear to the woman you obviously still care for.

God bless you.

kevinsgirl
 
Honestly… it sounds to me like she’s just as confused as you are!
Why would she string you along if her faith was so important to her? 🤷

This isn’t about your inability to “follow the rules” of the faith :rolleyes: or anything like that… it has to do with basic communication between two people. Either you agree or you don’t… right?

Coming here and arguing points of faith isn’t going to change your mind or hers…
So I’m really not sure why either of you would want to get back together if this is such an important topic… :confused:
 
Move on and find someone with whom you share basic values and outlook on life. T

You are not compatible, and for marriage you need to be on the same page regarding values and beliefs.

You do not share the same vision-- move on and find someone that you do share this with. She needs to do the same.

How do you move on? You simply stop moping around and stop contacting her. You set your will to the purpose of moving on and then you do it.
 
Or her love could be bringing you to Christ.

Follow your heart.
Follow your soul.
 
Andy_42 said:
Hi

Help, I want to die right now. 18 months ago I met a young woman who turned out to be catholic (I’m non religious). Truth is that pretty much from the outset when she told me about her faith, alarm bells started ringing in my head. However I continued to date her for six months in the hope that I would be able to resolve the conflict of our opposite views ……… I couldn’t. Time passed and I still hadn’t come to any conclusion. I broke up with her as it was the only way to stop this war going on in my head, I didn’t know what else to do.

Since then we’ve stayed in contact and met a couple of times. I know this probably wasn’t the right thing to do but I find stopping contact with her impossible. By breaking up with her I destroyed her and can’t live with the guilt. She has so much love to give but we are both fully aware that here in the UK there are very few catholic guys that follow catholic rules as closely as she does. Apparently there’s not 1 in her local church. I can’t be with her as i’m not catholic and to be quite honest, your rules concern me.

Id do pretty much anything to ensure her happiness. Apart from that is the one thing she wants which is for us to get back together.

I find myself unable to move on from this and don’t know what to do.

Andy
Click to expand...
I really feel for you. I get the impression you really want to be with her. But my question is, do you love her enough to change the way you view the world? Do you have the courage to reexamine some of the assumptions you’ve held about the way life should be?

From some of the things you’ve posted here I cannot see a happy resolution for you and her unless you make some big changes. We live in a world where your point of view is regarded as normal. For Catholics this kind of thinking is abhorrent.

You have to understand that these are not just “silly rules” for us. Our faith is the Rock we cling to. I could live without my fiance (albeit with a great deal of pain and grief) but I could not live without my Faith. There is nothing in the world that could convince me to leave Catholicism and live a secular humanistic lifestyle. Why? Because I know that being happy in this life is not the ultimate goal.

You say you want her to be happy but you do not say that you love her. Love takes sacrifice. If you cannot accept her faith, then do her a kindness and let her go.
 
Andy_42 said:
Hi

Help, I want to die right now. 18 months ago I met a young woman who turned out to be catholic (I’m non religious). Truth is that pretty much from the outset when she told me about her faith, alarm bells started ringing in my head. However I continued to date her for six months in the hope that I would be able to resolve the conflict of our opposite views ……… I couldn’t. Time passed and I still hadn’t come to any conclusion. I broke up with her as it was the only way to stop this war going on in my head, I didn’t know what else to do.

Since then we’ve stayed in contact and met a couple of times. I know this probably wasn’t the right thing to do but I find stopping contact with her impossible. By breaking up with her I destroyed her and can’t live with the guilt. She has so much love to give but we are both fully aware that here in the UK there are very few catholic guys that follow catholic rules as closely as she does. Apparently there’s not 1 in her local church. I can’t be with her as i’m not catholic and to be quite honest, your rules concern me.

Id do pretty much anything to ensure her happiness. Apart from that is the one thing she wants which is for us to get back together.

I find myself unable to move on from this and don’t know what to do.

Andy
Click to expand...
Sorry Andy… Breaking up is difficult. As we say, it is difficult to overcome the differences in faith sometimes. This woman had great appeal to you, we understand. And, we understand why!

I assure you the “rules” of the Catholic Church are there not to supress but to enable us all to love as we believe we are called to do. Love is not repressive as you would likely agree.

I suspect it would be impossible to understand the Catholic view of the world if you do not believe in God. You can read about why we believe as we do, but I don’t know how much that would help. If interested, I’m sure we’d happily give you some titles on the subject. It takes many of us converts YEARS to get a good understanding of the major things and it is easier if we desire to understand it.

Some of the biggest influences of my life were the Catholic Girls that made it clear that they wished to follow the faith. They might have seemed prudish at the time, but they were not. They know that there is a special love required for marriage (and sex). They know it and are willing to wait for it. Why do you suppose that is? Because a love like that is true. It’s not just a fairy tale, you know.

Some quesitons you might ask yourself: What is important to me? Was this Love different from the others? If so, Why? Am I looking for someone that thinks like me and will help me make my life as I plan? Or am I looking for someone who loves me above all else? Someone willing to die for me? Someone that is willing to LIVE for me? Someone that will tell me when I am wrong? Someone that is a partner and a friend that can help me along on the road of life?

Which do you desire? Someone to give you what you want or what you need?
 
Well, why don’t you hang out here on CAF, in the Apologetics section, where they can give you a more thorough education on things Catholic. You don’t give your age, so I have no idea if it’s even appropriate for you to be thinking about a young woman in this manner.

In the meantime, see if you can get hold of yourself, and ask the young woman on a proper activity. And in the words of that famous band from the 80s, The Georgia Satellites, “Don’t hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself.”

You should go out on iTunes or some such a get a copy of the song, “Keep Your Hands To Yourself”. It’s very helpful for what you describe.
 
Hey

Della – I’m sorry, I’m a mess ………… I don’t know what I want. There is no longer any point trying to discuss my concerns, I have tried it all before. Me and my ex broke up 12 months ago …… its just that we agreed to meet and it brought everything back. Thanks for your comment.

Whatevergirl – Thanks again ……… but as I say, I’ve been struggling with her beliefs for too long now. Unfortunately we made the mistake of staying in contact after the breakup which has made things far far worse for the both of us. I’m sad to say it is time we ceased contact, to which we have now both agreed.

Kevinsgirl – I’ve spent a year reading about the catholic faith ……… and please don’t hate me for this, but I still don’t accept it. To me accepting your faith would be voluntarily signing up to something which could potentially make my life worse. Sorry I feel this way but it’s the truth.

EM_In_FL – I’m unsure as to whether you fully read my original post. I never said I wanted to get back with her?

1Ke – You are correct, I need to stop contacting her and move on. My main concern is her happiness …. She’s the most loving person I know ……… but neither I nor her know anyone that will accept her catholic faith. I know 3 other catholic women all of who are single. I want her to be happy. Had it been someone with more mainstream views I wouldn’t have been as concerned.

ChristinaM – No, I don’t think I do :(. Yes, I completely understand your rules are not ‘silly’ …… I never did and never would have asked her to change her views. I respected the way she was …… however my way is different and I feel unable to change either. I have let her go.

Thankyou all for your comments

Andrew
 
Andy_42 said:
Hey

Della – I’m sorry, I’m a mess ………… I don’t know what I want. There is no longer any point trying to discuss my concerns, I have tried it all before. Me and my ex broke up 12 months ago …… its just that we agreed to meet and it brought everything back. Thanks for your comment.

Whatevergirl – Thanks again ……… but as I say, I’ve been struggling with her beliefs for too long now. Unfortunately we made the mistake of staying in contact after the breakup which has made things far far worse for the both of us. I’m sad to say it is time we ceased contact, to which we have now both agreed.

Kevinsgirl – I’ve spent a year reading about the catholic faith ……… and please don’t hate me for this, but I still don’t accept it. To me accepting your faith would be voluntarily signing up to something which could potentially make my life worse. Sorry I feel this way but it’s the truth.

EM_In_FL – I’m unsure as to whether you fully read my original post. I never said I wanted to get back with her?

1Ke – You are correct, I need to stop contacting her and move on. My main concern is her happiness …. She’s the most loving person I know ……… but neither I nor her know anyone that will accept her catholic faith. I know 3 other catholic women all of who are single. I want her to be happy. Had it been someone with more mainstream views I wouldn’t have been as concerned.

ChristinaM – No, I don’t think I do :(. Yes, I completely understand your rules are not ‘silly’ …… I never did and never would have asked her to change her views. I respected the way she was …… however my way is different and I feel unable to change either. I have let her go.

Thankyou all for your comments

Andrew
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Exactly what kind of advise were you looking for? The only one you would seem to accept is if she some how left her religion.
 
Cease contact with her and make a clean break. You’re tormenting this girl, and if you can’t accept her faith, which is apparently quite strong and healthy, then there’s no future in it for either of you. Trying to duct tape the relationship will only bring more misery.

Move on.
 
Andy_42 said:
EM_In_FL – I’m unsure as to whether you fully read my original post. I never said I wanted to get back with her?
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Sorry… I didn’t mean to imply that…
I guess I’m just confused as to why SHE (I incorrectly stated “either one of you”) would want to get back together?

I know you care for her and want her to be happy… but her happiness depends on CHANGING YOU… so unless you’re willing to change (and are truly open to learning about the faith and being open to it’s teachings) she’s going to make you feel guilty for hurting her. She needs to stop playing games.

I agree with the others… probably the best decision is to totally end contact.
I so sorry you’re going through this… I can tell it’s a heart-wrenching situation. In some ways it saddens me that it seems like she’s using our beautiful Catholic faith just to get her way. It’s not a bargaining tool to use in a relationship… so I guess that part bothers me.

Prayers for you and your situation. I hope you both can find some peace.
 
Contrary to your belief there ARE good single catholic men in the UK. She will find one if you let her.
 
Andy,

As I see it you have two options. Hold on to the status quo and be miserable or let her go and move on from the relationship. By holding on to things you not being fair to each other by giving each other the space you both need to recover and heal. If you let go you’ll be miserable for awhile but you’ll get over it and be able to move on much faster. You tried to work it out but like many have stated if your belief and value systems don’t mesh then there’s no point things would eventually fail in the long run. At least you gave the relationship some effort. Things don’t always work out. That’s life. Anyway if you really love her it’s time to break the ties and let her go. It the most unselfish and loving act you can do for yourself and her. 👍
 
Sierrah said:
Andy,

As I see it you have two options. Hold on to the status quo and be miserable or let her go and move on from the relationship. By holding on to things you not being fair to each other by giving each other the space you both need to recover and heal. If you let go you’ll be miserable for awhile but you’ll get over it and be able to move on much faster. You tried to work it out but like many have stated if your belief and value systems don’t mesh then there’s no point things would eventually fail in the long run. At least you gave the relationship some effort. Things don’t always work out. That’s life. Anyway if you really love her it’s time to break the ties and let her go. It the most unselfish and loving act you can do for yourself and her. 👍
Click to expand...
👍 👍 👍
 
Andy_42 said:
Kevinsgirl – I’ve spent a year reading about the catholic faith ……… and please don’t hate me for this, but I still don’t accept it. To me accepting your faith would be voluntarily signing up to something which could potentially make my life worse. Sorry I feel this way but it’s the truth.

Thankyou all for your comments

Andrew
Click to expand...
Andrew,
I’m happy you tried to understand and, no, we don’t hate you. We think you are a fine person. To address your concern about “signing up”, I want to tell you that you are not alone. Many of us find it difficult to surrender ourselves to the will of another. It’s scary and difficult, I assure you. It’s like getting on a roller-coaster in many ways. I understand your reluctance.

I hope you find peace.
 
Out of concern for her happiness, break it off clean, so she can start to heal. By trying to console her, you are actually prolonging her attachment. By being the object of her affection, you cannot be the friend who helps her get over that affection. I know it’s contrary to your feelings, but it is the best thing for her. Perhaps in a few years she will be able to come back and be your friend, but she will have to detach and move on first. She’s not going to be the one to keep the separation – you will have to.

This is what selfless love does.
 
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