Help! I am desperate!

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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?

Philip Glass! 😛
 
rpp said:
You cut me to the quick! How could you think I could set you up? I could never set you up. (Sometimes I wish someone would set me up :cool: , but that is a different topic entirely.)
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Cut you to the quick? :eek: I was sincere when I asked what kind of humor you enjoyed … I’m truly sorry if it came across in a bad way … yikes! I was sincerely asking, because I wanted to get an idea of what kind of humor to post. Posting an unfunny joke or story would probably just make matters worse, wouldn’t it? 😉 So, my question still stands, if you want to answer. :yup:
rpp said:
As for post #29, I had nothing at all to do with that and you cannot prove I did! 😛 I will add, being a cat lover, I think what was done to that dog was done by a cat. It is nothing more than simple justice for cats! That or the poor fellow has a real identity crisis. I just hope for the doggie’s sake that he is a male dog or (s)he has some real problems!!
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Yep, I feel sorry for him (or her, either way) … hence my caption in #29. 😉
 
Galnextdoor said:
When I was in college, I adopted a stray cat with some unique personality characteristics. She liked to carry things in her mouth.

One night, after along day of attending classes and working, I did my laundry at the laundromat. It was after eleven when I got home and I was exhausted, so I just left the laundry in the car with the windows rolled down.

The next morning I looked out the kitchen window and saw a pair of panties laying in the neighbors yard. 😊 I thought… well all sorts of weird things ran through my mind until it registered in my mind that I had a pair of panties just like those. :eek:

I started out the front door to my car where I had left my laundry the night before. I turned around real quick and ran back inside. My socks and panties were strewn in the neighbors yards up and down my street. 😊 My cat was traipsing down the middle of the street with one of my socks in her mouth.:bigyikes:

I peeked out the window to make sure that no one was out side, then dashed around the neighborhood as fast as I could, picking up my undergarments as I went.😊

None of my neighbors said anything, so I guess no one saw me.👍

I learned a very important lesson that night. No matter how tired you are, don’t leave your laundry in the car.
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:rotfl:

Too funny! Of course I’m sure it wasn’t funny at the time, but those always make the BEST stories later! 👍
 
***Hey rpp? The hair thread is STILL going strong. 😃

Laughing yet? ***
 
Morwenna said:
Cut you to the quick? :eek: I was sincere when I asked what kind of humor you enjoyed … I’m truly sorry if it came across in a bad way … yikes! I was sincerely asking, because I wanted to get an idea of what kind of humor to post. Posting an unfunny joke or story would probably just make matters worse, wouldn’t it? 😉 So, my question still stands, if you want to answer. :yup:
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I usually like the kind of humor that makes me laugh, or at least makes other people laugh without them realizing that I am, in reality, completely droll.
Yep, I feel sorry for him (or her, either way) … hence my caption in #29. 😉
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Cats rule and dogs drool!
 
What do you call an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?

Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.
 
At an atheist funeral: Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and nowhere to go.
 
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

“What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?” asked the Rabbi.

“Well, I’m next in line for the Monsignor’s job.” replied the Priest.

“Yes, and then what?” asked the Rabbi.

“Well, next I can become Archbishop.” said the Priest.

“Yes, and then?” asked the Rabbi.

“If I work real hard and do a good job as Archbishop, it’s possible for me to become a full Bishop.” said the Priest.

“O.K., then what?” asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated replied, “With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal.”

“And then?” asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, “With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I’m in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope.”

“Yes, and then what?” asked the Rabbi.

“Good grief!” shouted the Priest. “What do you expect me to become, GOD?”

“Well,” said the Rabbi, “One of our boys made it!”
 
Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he’s just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he’s ever had.

After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers, “Hello, I’m Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis.”

“I’m very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I’ve ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?”

Brother Charles replied, “Well, I’m the fish friar.”

Father turns to the other brother and says, “Then you must be…”

“Yes, I’m afraid I’m the chip monk…”
 
SwizzleStick said:
At an atheist funeral: Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and nowhere to go.
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:rotfl:

From Joke of the Day…
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, takes her husband aside and says, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”
“Me neither, Doc,” said the husband, “but she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”

(This one might take a minute, …especially if you really are blonde)😃

A blonde calls an Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?”
The agent replies: “Just a minute.”
“Thank you,” says the blond, and hangs up.
 
allhers said:
…A blonde calls an Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?”
The agent replies: “Just a minute.”
“Thank you,” says the blond, and hangs up.
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😃
 
Things To Think About

47.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

A good pun is its own reword.

A heavy-handed father makes a nimble-footed son.

Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often.

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here’s an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now! Follow this simple procedure: Hold down the shift key and hit the ‘4’ key four times.

Bacon and eggs: Hens are involved, but pigs are committed.

Be ye fishers of men: You catch 'em, He’ll clean 'em.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.

Can you yell “MOVIE!” in a crowded firestation?

Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
 
:newidea: Cat Jokes make him laugh…

taken from: basicjokes.com/djoke.php?id=3219
(a clean cat joke site.)

Cat Diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm… Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.”
More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage…

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
 
allhers said:
:newidea: Cat Jokes make him laugh…

taken from: basicjokes.com/djoke.php?id=3219
(a clean cat joke site.)

Cat Diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm… Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.”
More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage…

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
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:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

I LOVE this!
 
LOL Those cat jokes are hilarious! 😛 Do you really think that’s what on their minds?? :eek:
 
Well, since feline funnies are preferred … some cat haiku:

You never feed me.
Perhaps I’ll sleep on your face.
That will show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
elevator butt.

Terrible battle
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What’s a “term paper”?

I want to be close
To you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wor...y-pictures-cat-will-kill-an-innocent-shoe.jpg
 
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