Help I am stressing out!

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BlestOne

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I am so stressed out right now about my wedding plans…or rather lack of them. Please someone out there has got to have some advice for me dealing with all the demands everyone has been placing on me. First of all, I can’t set a date because my pastor is in the AF Reserves and is currently deployed and we have to wait for him to get back. I talked to him back in March about getting everything done so that I could be married in July. He said he didn’t think that was going to happen because he was going away and would not be back until the end of May but if my annulment came back quickly, before he left for his deployment we could try. Then he wrote a note on my file to call me as soon as my paperwork got back. Well, it got back in 6 days (a record for sure) but no one called me (oops, my bad). So a couple of weeks later he leaves for the military assignment and I wait…after 6 weeks I called the rectory to see if they received anything back yet. They had gotten it back and forgot to call me. I asked if I could call the neighboring pastor (5 miles away) and at least ask him to give us the foccus test so we could get things started. The secretary said for me to call back if the other priest said no and she would e-mail the pastor and ask if she could administer the test. So I asked and the other priest is too busy to help us out. As instructed, I called back the rectory and told the secretary that he couldn’t help. She said she would send the e-mail for me. That was 2 1/2 weeks ago and I haven’t heard anything. All my relatives are trying to arrange vacations to come to the wedding(they all live on the east coast and we are in Illinois) and I can’t give them a date. They all have kids and so we planned for a summer wedding as I have kids too we thought this would be best. Now I am getting demanding calls from all the relatives on both sides since this is taking too long for them. My sisters kid has boyscout camp in June, My brother is throwing a family get together for 4th of July, My fiances ex called to tell us that they are going on vacation in the middle of July. His sister tells us that they are now booked on a riverboat cruise at the end of July. The hotels in our area are all booked in August for football camps from college teams and possibly a pro team so the closest hotel will be 20 miles away and double their prices in August. I am so ready to just run away from all this and elope. I don’t want to do this (want a church wedding, and besides I already did the elope thing). I am so stressed out that everyone is telling me when I can’t get married and someone is going to be hurt by our decision and take it personally. But I can’t even set a date because I can’t start precana stuff until the pastor comes back at the end of May. If I see him immediately upon his return, I don’t think we will get everything done by the time frame we had in mind. Everything is falling apart! I am starting to have anxiety attacks which I haven’t had in 15 yrs. I just feel like I am losing a grip on reality here…HELP!!!
 
BlestOne,

As someone who has been down this road before, let me give you some advise.

Take a deep breath, and place your concerns in God’s hands and allow things to progress on God’s schedule. Now, take another deep breath.

Consider the fact that you will have the rest of your lives together if this is a real marriage you are entering into. Now, allow God to test you and your willingness to accept even a fallible group of people who represent the Church in it’s authority over you.

I can assure you that if you let go and let God, in the long run you will be blessed for your patience and obedience.

CARose
 
Dear Blest,
Please relax. Everyone feels like their wedding is a roller coaster ride careening out of control, that’s normal. It’s too bad your pastor is overseas, but it sounds like his secretary is helpful.
I would find out from the bishop if the secretary can give you the test you need to take. Then you could set a date with the secretary, who would be in charge of the pastor’s schedule anyway.
I would set it for the second or third week in July, but of course you know your situation best. You must be a remarkable person to be inviting your fiance’s ex.
Perhaps you could call and discuss with another pastor exactly how long your preparations will take, once your own pastor returns. Even email someone in your state.
Please consider yourself fortunate. Nobody from our families came to our wedding because it was too far away for my relatives and his family were too busy.
I’ll pray that it all works out for you.
 
This is why I want a Romeo and Juliet style wedding. Just me, my bride, and the priest. No reception, nothing. Something tells me that will neither fly with my future bride nor our families:p . Oh well, I’ll just do whatever they want:D .
 
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Viki59:
You must be a remarkable person to be inviting your fiance’s ex.
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I’m not that noble…he has a daughter that we want to be in the wedding with my kids…sorry for the misunderstanding
 
Poor thing, I know what it’s like to feel like your wedding is falling apart. Well, I’ll tell you what, you are only human and you can only do so much. When I was planning my wedding I did a new list every day of things to get done. I would start off by calling the secretary back to see what’s going on and if you can start your stuff now. Get out your calendar and set the best tentative date that you can. I agree with the previous poster about the middle of July, but of course that’s up to you. And you know what? Don’t even try and please everyone, because it ain’t gonna happen. Someone will most likely be miffed somewhere, but this is your wedding and that’s what’s important. Is this the only priest available to do your wedding? Is it possible to arrange a back up, given your circumstances with him being away? Call around a bit.
Now if all else fails and you don’t complete everything in time for the July date, well, a fall wedding might be nice too. If you explain to your family members what’s going on, hopefully they will understand.
How big do you want this to be? Are you having a reception afterwards? Have you had any ideas about that?
Do you have anyone to help you or are you on your own? How 'bout your fiance or a close friend/family member? Planning a wedding on your own is ridiculously stressful. Try and recruit a little help.
Lastly, take a breather. Everything will be o.k. If you want to pm me, go ahead. I’ve been there, lol! smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_67.gif

-Celia
 
You and your fiance have to be very strong about this. This marriage, even though it will include the blending of multiple families, is still just you and him. “What God has joined let no man put a sunder”

Thank everyone for their (name removed by moderator)ut, then shut out all that noise outside of you, your intended and God, and proceed with your plans. Are their any children involved. They are the only other persons who should have any consideration in what’s going on.

Don’t be afraid to tell people they’re drivin’ ya nuts. Most of these people are not aware of the pressure they are putting on you and just want to be helpful or be included. You and your fiance have to set the limits.

Coraggio!
%between% http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_3_4v.gif
 
May I suggest that you look at a December wedding? If the summer idea seems to be failing then you will also have a two week time frame in December to have your Church wedding and the children involved will be out of school.

I understand other family members trying to set their vacations around your wedding and since you can not set a date yet because your Pastor is out of town then move the date back.

I was married on Dec. 30 in North Dakota, two days after a blizzard, a couple was married on Dec. 29 at the same church. I like the idea of a small wedding (mine was just myself, my husband and our witnesses - matron of honor and best man). Family and a few friends were all that were present and some who were invited and had intended to come were snowed in on their farms or their families farms 😃

Now, take a deep breath, talk to your fiance and see if you two can agree on waiting a bit longer in order to have your pastor in town to do all the pre-cana “stuff” and to have time to actually prepare everyone for the date.

Brenda V.
 
I think it is important to remember that while you want to be and should be accommodating, you don’t have to accommodate every single person you invite to your wedding. No matter what date you set, it will mean that someone cannot attend. I say figure out what dates work for you and pick one that works for the most people.

My wedding is just under four months away, and I have a bridesmaid that called me this weekend to say she will be unable to attend due to financial difficulties. She indicated that the six-month notice we gave her upon becomming engaged was not enough time for her to save up. Of course, I am sad and a bit hurt by this news, but it wouldn’t make sense to push the wedding back for her.

Maybe you can speak with those affected. Let them know that you want them at your wedding and you wish there wasn’t a conflict. Maybe invite them out to see you either before or after the wedding. I have a friend who’s going to China for a year, and she’s coming to visit “for my wedding” before she leaves.

I know wedding plans are stressful, and it sounds like yours are especially stressful since you’re having difficulty ironing them out. Good luck with all of it, but more importantly God bless your marriage.
 
Thank you all for responding!!! If you can think of any other advice please don’t hesitate, as I mentioned I eloped the first time so this is all new to me. I know I can’t please everyone, in fact some of the family I am inviting are part of the reason I am so stressed out. These family gatherings just bring out the disfunction in any family!!! I am really trying to do everything the right way, knowing that I can’t please everyone. Does anyone have any advice on how to tell his family that they can’t receive communion? His mom, dad and brother are Lutheran, and his sister has joined one of those independent fundamentalist churches that sends missionaries to Catholic countries to save the poor Catholics. Heck, his brother still refers to me as “that Catholic woman” and resents that his brother joined the Catholic Church. See why I am a mess? I haven’t even begun on my family yet…They are all Caholic but they are very petty about things. I can’t wait to hear what they have to say about my father-in-law wearing cowboy boots (that is all I have ever seen him wear) And my future mother-in-law has already informed us that she will not wear a dress to the wedding. My family are a bunch of uppity gossips and will no doubt make them uncomfortable about everything they can. Whoa…this is going to be challenging to say the least!!!
 
Hmm, maybe you could have your fiance speak with his family and sort of gently explain the Catholic view of communion and the reasons they cannot partake. I was worried about the two families getting along at my wedding as well, but sometimes things like weddings bring out the best in people. Here’s to hoping, anyway…🙂
 
Sorry about all of the stress!

Maybe you can try finding another priest (in another town) to offer you the pre-cana class and then have a private, small church/chapel wedding with just you, your husband to be, the children and your best friend. Kind of like eloping but at least a nuptial mass in a church. Then enjoy a quiet, romantic honeymoon. At the end of summer, throw a big party to celebrate your new married life and that’s where you can try to entertain all of the various relatives and guests (of various denominations).

I have a co-worker who went through a similar situation as you describe and it became a nightmare. Different family members wanted different things and some wanted to be included in various ways. The bride and groom weren’t Catholic but had tried to plan a big (Protestant) church wedding and it just kept getting more complicated. It got out of control. So you know what they did? … They went to Hawaii and got married in the presence of a couple of close friends. It took a load of stress off them and they had a great time.

Remember, it’s your husband to be that you are marrying. Are all the other people you mentioned really worth the headache?

Good luck. I will be praying for you. :gopray2:
 
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Celia:
Hmm, maybe you could have your fiance speak with his family and sort of gently explain the Catholic view of communion and the reasons they cannot partake. I was worried about the two families getting along at my wedding as well, but sometimes things like weddings bring out the best in people. Here’s to hoping, anyway…🙂
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Or the worst… I would only be resented more if I said something, my fiance has to be the one to tell them. I saw his family for mothers day…what a disaster!!! They now think I am mean because I corrected his daughter at their house. I love this guy and even his family, but they have such different ideas about everything. Sometimes I think I am the one being selfish about wanting the wedding in July or Aug (preferably July) because I don’t know how much longer I can wait to be with him. But then I think about how we had planned this for so long and I think I am just stressing because I really want my family to be able to come and it is a long trip for them so I need to make it easier on them (i.e. summer vacation). This would be so much easier if I didn’t care who came or how convenient it would be for them. Am I crazy?
 
You most certainly are not crazy, I appreciate your desire to have everyone present, even though you accept that they are less than perfect human beings, and their presence may complicate the perfection you desire for the day. You are truly a good daughter.

God Bless you and your fiance’,

CARose
 
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CARose:
You most certainly are not crazy, I appreciate your desire to have everyone present, even though you accept that they are less than perfect human beings, and their presence may complicate the perfection you desire for the day. You are truly a good daughter.

God Bless you and your fiance’,

CARose
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Thank you CA Rose. I really want everyone there but I know I can’t have my way. I am resolved that this will have to be in August because Sunday our temp pastor said that the pastor will not be back until June 7th now. Even if we get married in Aug I will have hardly any time to prepare. I was so totally devastated that I ended up with a migraine for my birthday right after mass. This stress is really getting to me.
 
BlestOne,

My mom was sick with cancer when my husband and I got engaged and I wanted her there at the wedding so much I made the mistake of skipping the delays built into a Catholic Wedding to ensure that she be present. Please know that at this point in your life, whatever delays there are in putting together a Church wedding are well worth the wait. You have a lifetime to be with your husband. Better that you let God set the time, remember that it’s about the marriage, not about the wedding.

God Bless,

CARose
 
I know this doesn’t give you answers, but a wise, experienced friend of mine always offered the same words when I was stressing over wedding plans:

No matter what happens, you won’t be any less married.

It’s simple and easy to repeat to yourself over and over again and it really gets to the heart of it all. I recommend it as a wedding prep mantra.

Peace.
 
There are only 3 people in your Marriage. Involve them.

You will never make all happy all the time. People will always think they know better or would have done something better or differently.

Plan your day for the three of you.

Why Three? Well husband to be, Wife to be and of course God.
 
CaRose, Cathyt and Fergal,
Excellent advice!!! Thank you so much! Funny thing was I spent time praying about it during lunch today and discovered the same thing…God help me, I know I am still going to stress out and all but I realised that I was so busy trying to make plans to speed things up that maybe God’s timing would actually work out better than mine and the most important thing is to focus on the marriage as a covenant between God, my fiance and myself, and that is what really counts. You all rock!!! I do have to ask a favor though…when I stress out again…remind me again please?
Love ya lots…
 
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