Help! - I don't like kids

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guiltycatholic

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I’m struggling with something that brings me some shame but it’s undeniable. I don’t really like children. I always wanted to be a mom, but that wasn’t based on any experiences with children. I was the youngest of a small family and never interacted with many younger children. I was homeschooled and very isolated, so I hardly spent time with people my own age. Even with other adults now, I am an introvert and I have only a few select friends. I do much better one-on-one than with a group.

Five years ago I got married, now I have a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old. I love them very much, more than I ever imagined I could. Even so, they are a huge challenge for me and I don’t find myself responding to them the way I thought I would. My other parent friends are wiping their kids noises with their bare hands, and I still find that revolting. The behavior others call cute gets on my nerves. It seems like almost all other people I know love children - even strangers. I find all children - especially those that aren’t mine - messy, loud, annoying, gross, bratty, and all around inconvenient. Of course they can also be cute. But I’m not even talking about children with ADD or any other “issues” - I mean average, well behaved children.

Having my own children has made me much better with other people’s children, but I only really feel loving towards the children of close friends. Most children I find myself wanting to avoid at best, or spank at worst. I don’t wish any harm on them and I recognize their importance in society is just as equal to any other living person. I just don’t want to be around them. I don’t usually want to be around my own kids unless I have to be there.

I realize how selfish it is to dislike children because they don’t “benefit” me in any way, or because they cause me some minor inconvenience. I have been feeling bad about this forever, and I keep putting myself into volunteer positions with pre school children, I guess thinking I’ll get used to it, or just feeling that I “should” like them. Or at least that I should have to put up with them like everyone else. I’d much prefer to hang out with people my own age, or at least other adults of different ages. I am enjoying the years of my children being small, but I look forward to the day I’m not responsible for all their needs every minute. And I’m just about ready to quit my volunteering with Sunday school and other work with children because I get so frustrated with them, so annoyed by them. I can honestly say I almost hate being around them and I feel like the remainder of my day is nearly ruined because of their influence on my mood.

Is this a sin? Only a monster wouldn’t automatically like sweet innocent little children, right? Or is this a common feeling among other adults too, and I’m just unaware? Is this a serious flaw or just a personality trait? Is it ok for me to avoid children who aren’t my own, simply because I don’t like them? If so, why do I feel so guilty about it?
 
I wonder if you might be feeling burned out. If you know you aren’t a big people-person regardless of age (been there, done that, got the T-shirt), then it is probably exhausting to be involved in ministries that require lots of contact, especially with the very needy, in addition to having two little children of your own.
 
Do you feel like you get enough time on your own? Pensmama is right that you do sound burnt out. I’m also an introvert, so I know how tiring it can be to never have time to yourself. It sounds like you’re expecting too much of yourself, and it isn’t being a bad mother to admit you don’t enjoy every stage of your children’s lives. It could be that you’ll start to enjoy it more when your children are more independent and develop their own interests.

Lou
 
A lot of kids today are spoiled and hard to deal with. They can be quite miserable.

I am from a family of 11, and I once leveled with my mother and said I didn’t really like kids. She said she thought I would if they were well behaved, that so many kids today aren’t.

I think you’d like well-behaved kids.
 
guiltycatholic said:
I’m struggling with something that brings me some shame but it’s undeniable. I don’t really like children. I always wanted to be a mom, but that wasn’t based on any experiences with children. I was the youngest of a small family and never interacted with many younger children. I was homeschooled and very isolated, so I hardly spent time with people my own age. Even with other adults now, I am an introvert and I have only a few select friends. I do much better one-on-one than with a group.

Five years ago I got married, now I have a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old. I love them very much, more than I ever imagined I could. Even so, they are a huge challenge for me and I don’t find myself responding to them the way I thought I would. My other parent friends are wiping their kids noises with their bare hands, and I still find that revolting. The behavior others call cute gets on my nerves. It seems like almost all other people I know love children - even strangers. I find all children - especially those that aren’t mine - messy, loud, annoying, gross, bratty, and all around inconvenient. Of course they can also be cute. But I’m not even talking about children with ADD or any other “issues” - I mean average, well behaved children.

Having my own children has made me much better with other people’s children, but I only really feel loving towards the children of close friends. Most children I find myself wanting to avoid at best, or spank at worst. I don’t wish any harm on them and I recognize their importance in society is just as equal to any other living person. I just don’t want to be around them. I don’t usually want to be around my own kids unless I have to be there.

I realize how selfish it is to dislike children because they don’t “benefit” me in any way, or because they cause me some minor inconvenience. I have been feeling bad about this forever, and I keep putting myself into volunteer positions with pre school children, I guess thinking I’ll get used to it, or just feeling that I “should” like them. Or at least that I should have to put up with them like everyone else. I’d much prefer to hang out with people my own age, or at least other adults of different ages. I am enjoying the years of my children being small, but I look forward to the day I’m not responsible for all their needs every minute. And I’m just about ready to quit my volunteering with Sunday school and other work with children because I get so frustrated with them, so annoyed by them. I can honestly say I almost hate being around them and I feel like the remainder of my day is nearly ruined because of their influence on my mood.

Is this a sin? Only a monster wouldn’t automatically like sweet innocent little children, right? Or is this a common feeling among other adults too, and I’m just unaware? Is this a serious flaw or just a personality trait? Is it ok for me to avoid children who aren’t my own, simply because I don’t like them? If so, why do I feel so guilty about it?
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Sweet sister - I found being the mother of 2 and 4 year olds the hardest thing I have ever done in my LIFE. Hard hard hard hard hard!!! And like you, at that time in my life, I was around a lot of young children. If I had been 100% honest with you at that time in my life, I would have had so many of the same feelings you are expressing in this post. I thought maybe I was missing a gene or something - that something was wrong with me.

Full stop. I am now a mom of two teens (13 and 15). It is so much easier for me at this stage of parenthood. I am so much happier and fulfilled. And you know what, now that I am on the other side of mothering very young children 24-7, I find that I really do love and appreciate the littles. In fact, I work as a catechist for the 3-6 year olds in my church and it brings me great joy.

Please know that you are doing hard work and heavy lifting. Please know that there is nothing wrong with you. Please know that you are not sinning and you are not a monster. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Make sure you have friends who you can be honest with.

You will blink and this moment will be gone and you will be driving those children to get their driver’s licenses!

Thank you for raising the next generation. I will hold you in my prayers.
 
guiltycatholic said:
Is this a sin? Only a monster wouldn’t automatically like sweet innocent little children, right?
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I’m happy to say you’re wrong about this - or I’d be a monster! I love my own children, but I’m not wild about children in general. Certain ones I do like. I feel pretty much the same about dogs. 😉

Like you, I didn’t grow up around babies or young children. I didn’t even babysit much.

It’s rather difficult now that I’m at grandmother age - people seem to think I’m longing for grandchildren. But no, I’m not. Rather a good thing my children don’t plan on having children - I really don’t think I’d be a very good grandmother.
 
It’s gross what we have to do as moms, really, really gross! As a caregiver in general, we deal with the most revolting stuff society shuns. Further, we have to do it and be a saintly example with no break. To make it intense to the extreme, our children imprint on us; which makes it impossible to examine the physical, mental, and spiritAl changes that are happening. I remember having a kitty-cat that imprinted on me and would not let me have any time alone (yes, the following into the bathroom). Now, I loved this cat with my whole heart, but as a private person, it frustrated me. Now that I have children (4.8 & 3.5) I have that same frustration of needing personal space.

My examination of this on me has revealed some profound insights on men and women. Women have extreme outward and inward changes throughout our lives. Men change the same extent, however, they do so slow and steady. I would guess this allows life (which is a force of extreme change) to be protected by a slower change. Females go from baby, to girl, to attractive women, to mother, to grandmother, and then they loose their ability to create (which makes them a total new creation). To top it off, today’s female lives 8 years longer than males. So, if she has a spouse who is older than her, or no spouse at all, she has the most of life to adjust when she is most fragile (elderly) and least desired. Basic economics can tell you the supply and demand model for this is faulty.

Now, statistically, being a mother under the most intense and gross part is less than 5% of a woman’s life, but the trama and intense love and bonding make it the most memorable. My suggestion to you is to lift up to heaven the good and bury the bad.
 
I didn’t like kids either…until I had my son.
Now, I can tolerate them 😉
 
Why in the world would you volunteer your time doing something you genuinely don’t like?

That totally baffles me. It’s like me feeling the need to volunteer at an animal shelter…I don’t like most animals but everyone else I know does…so I should inflict more frustration and pain upon myself? That doesn’t make sense.

Stop with the volunteering. It’s okay to be frustrated with children but you need to conserve that good/positive energy for your own kids.

Find an outlet and do things that you like to do…not what you think others expect you to do.

I hate to say it but you’re a ticking time bomb of rage and frustration if you volunteer your “time off” to be with more kids.
 
guiltycatholic said:
I have been feeling bad about this forever, and I keep putting myself into volunteer positions with pre school children, I guess thinking I’ll get used to it, or just feeling that I “should” like them.
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I had missed this. Please - stop forcing yourself to be with children! They know you don’t like them. There are lots of volunteer jobs that don’t involve children - but only do them if you really have the time. With children as young as yours, I don’t see how you have a lot of free time.
 
I can’t imagine wiping a child’s nose with my bare hands either.:eek: Yuk! I am grandmother age now and don’t particularly want to be with small children either, except my grandchildren.:rolleyes: But I’m not around them all the time either.
There isn’t any reason you have to volunteer with small children, or anything, at this point. Preschoolers are enough for anybody, heaven knows. If you desire to volunteer, do something that gives you a break.
 
Bonnie said:
I’m happy to say you’re wrong about this - or I’d be a monster! I love my own children, but I’m not wild about children in general. Certain ones I do like. I feel pretty much the same about dogs. 😉

Like you, I didn’t grow up around babies or young children. I didn’t even babysit much.

It’s rather difficult now that I’m at grandmother age - people seem to think I’m longing for grandchildren. But no, I’m not. Rather a good thing my children don’t plan on having children - I really don’t think I’d be a very good grandmother.
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You might surprise yourself.I know of a few woman,who rather unwittingly became grandmothers.They quickly succumbed to the joys of grandmotherhood;)Personally speaking,I have five grandchildren.Theyvare the true joy and loves in my life.I really enjoy w having adult children and being a grandma.👍
 
Jeanne_S said:
You might surprise yourself.I know of a few woman,who rather unwittingly became grandmothers.They quickly succumbed to the joys of grandmotherhood;)Personally speaking,I have five grandchildren.Theyvare the true joy and loves in my life.I really enjoy w having adult children and being a grandma.👍
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I have one child in my life who is almost like a granddaughter. I like her fine, but I’ll be happier when she hits her teens. I’m more comfortable with teenagers. 🙂
 
Bonnie said:
I have one child in my life who is almost like a granddaughter. I like her fine, but I’ll be happier when she hits her teens. I’m more comfortable with teenagers. 🙂
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Yeah,that’s a fun age too!😉
 
katy said:
I can’t imagine wiping a child’s nose with my bare hands either.:eek: Yuk!
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I confess…I do this all the time. It literally has nothing to do with me loving my children more than other people.

It has everything to do with the fact that I worked as a paramedic for years before I got married and had kids…I have a very high tolerance for gross things.

Stuff like that just doesn’t bother me at all. It doesn’t even bother me that I’ll get sick because of it…if I’m in that close proximity to my children…I’m getting sick whether I swim in their bodily fluids or not.

Okay…I’ll stop being gross now! 😃
 
I have come to the realization that three years old children and I don’t get a long very well (including my own kids). I love babies, I love the 15-18 month stage when they are sooo cute, I can handle two years old, tantrums and all. Four years old and early school age kids are fine. But for some reason, three years old kids drive me up the wall. Yes they can bee cute, but wow can they be annoying. Luckily they outgrow whatever is happening around the age of three in their development to make them mini terrors and it becomes a passing memory (except my second son’s three year old stage, I think that scarred me for life). Anyways, you have a 4 year old and a 2 year old, you probably are feeling quite drained just with them, catching it from both ends there. So give yourself a break, stop volunteering with kids and make sure you are getting some alone time at home, or some time with other adults, if you are more of an extrovert.
 
When I was still single, I hated bratty, undisciplined kids. So when I had my own, I tried my my best they won’t turn out as such. I also notice that men generally don’t see much of the “cuteness” of other parents’ kids, compared with women (who seem more appreciative). Just an opinion.
 
pensmama87 said:
I wonder if you might be feeling burned out. If you know you aren’t a big people-person regardless of age (been there, done that, got the T-shirt), then it is probably exhausting to be involved in ministries that require lots of contact, especially with the very needy, in addition to having two little children of your own.
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Right.

Also, how about doing stuff with school age children instead? You might like them a whole bunch more.
 
Someone else already said it, but I just want to second it, I think when you can, withdraw from volunteer work with children. I think it’s wonderful you forced yourself to do that to see if it would help, but I cant imagine anything worse for you and your situation. If you find kids so hard, save your precious energy stores for your own kids. If you have time to volunteer, definitely do something without kids, it might give you a break! If you are an introvert, maybe some office work for the parish… filing or data entry or something! Offer to write letters for elderly? Something a little more low key than pre-schoolers. It may give you some peace and be of much worth to someone!

And I totally hear you! I have a 3 year old and 6 month old and I often find the itme I am with thm agonising. It’s because I came late to motherhood I think, and before that I spent almost all my spare time reading books or writing or working and on my own. These things I just cant share with my children (especially my very active, uninterested in books reading or stories 3 year old). I haven’t felt myself at all since they were born. Like you I feel it’s selfish, but I also feel God must be sanctifying me in this way, teaching me not to rely on my selfish desires. People always say I need time to myself and time with my husband but it’s simply not feasible right now, I just feel like crying when people say this to me, because I don’t know how I am supposed to whip a babysitter we trust and can afford out of thin air. I pretty much hate to hear this, it’s like torture and its not helpful. I used to think I didn’t need anything in the world if I had a book to read (fiction or non fiction, anything! A ceral box!) but I guess God wanted to show me I need more than that and is making me go cold turkey… 😊🤷

By the way, I have heard CS Lewis disliked children too, and had a similar attitude to you (he saw it as a flaw in himself and a result of his fallen nature… I remember reading a quote by him about this but I cant find it with google today). Yet how funny, he wrote stories loved by children everywhere in the Narnia Chronicles…
 
I think every parent has “favorite stages” with the lives of their children and you might find this to be the case as your children get older. I felt absolutely drained when my children were infants and yet had a friend who was a pediatric nurse who loved babies. She had babies with stomach problems that cried all the time and it did not phase her one bit. That would have driven me to madness I think.

Fast forward to the toddler ages. I love those ages and she said I can’t take it ages 2-5. I feel like “throwing them out the window” Meanwhile she would hold her next baby constantly. She went on to have 5 children. Meanwhile back at the ranch I loved 2-5. Everyone is different.

Most parents( and I am older now, LOL kids grown and in college )can talk of special ages and difficult ages. Don’t worry. I might agree with the others I wouldn’t sap out my energy with volunteering with kids. Spend some time on yourself.

I admire your post. Lots of parents can relate to difficult parenting moments and my best was NOT the teen years. I could pass on that whole stage and your willingness to share helps other.

God bless and look forward to easier times ahead.

Mary.
 
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