HELP. I need to leave alcoholic husband but children don't want to

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JACQUE_D

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Please help me to sort this problem out. I have been married for over 20 years to a heavy drinker who is lazy and used to be physically abusive, but now just resorts to verbal and mental abuse. We both work and our children are in their early teens.
I can’t take it any more and want to move away from him and his boozing mates who live in our street. Some of the kids want to move but some don’t. Its nerve racking just contemplating the move without having resistance from some of the kids. He wont seek help for his problem as he doesn’t think he has a problem. I just don’t know what to do.
🤷:(:confused:
 
Dear Sister,
I feel for you as my husband is an alcoholic. Have you gone to Al-Anon? Here is a link in New Zealand: al-anon.org.nz/
You may or may not be aware that Al-Anon is for families of alcoholics. We often think we have it figured out, but there is a lot to know, and Al-Anon can help us sort things out so that whether we decide to stay or leave, we can have peace in our lives.
It’s not a quick process, but it certainly helps to meet others who understand what we are going through.
I urge you to call or if possible go to an Al-anon meeting. They have helped me a lot. There are also meetings for teens, Alateen.
God bless.
 
Are you trying to move far away? Do they want to stay in their town? Or do they in particular want to stay with him? Maybe they are not objecting to moving out of that house, but it’s where they are going that is the problem.
 
You do not deserve to be verbally and mentally abused. No one does. You are a human being who deserves respect and love.Find someone who has a lot of knowledge about situations like these and talk and ask what to do. Get as many opinions as you can
 
JACQUE_D said:
Please help me to sort this problem out. I have been married for over 20 years to a heavy drinker who is lazy and used to be physically abusive, but now just resorts to verbal and mental abuse. We both work and our children are in their early teens.
I can’t take it any more and want to move away from him and his boozing mates who live in our street. Some of the kids want to move but some don’t. Its nerve racking just contemplating the move without having resistance from some of the kids. He wont seek help for his problem as he doesn’t think he has a problem. I just don’t know what to do.
🤷:(:confused:
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Please take Vicki’s advice and contact Al Anon. I have been a recovering Alcoholic for 20 years and I know how horrible life can be with people like me. We are truly a tornado roaring through the lives of others. Al Anon helps you and your kids learn how to love us without sacrificing yourselves.

Make sure you are covered legally and financially so that you are not left alone. Remember that Holy Mother Church allows for a seperation if there is a legal need or safety issue. Also be aware that the time you leave can be the most dangerous time in an abusive situation. Get your ducks in a row, so to speak, and be careful.

I am keeping you in my prayers.👍
 
Jacque D,
I am sorry you and your children are going through this.

Here is a very good message from a man who is likely now with our Lord in Heaven.

bishopsheen.excerptsofinri.com/audio/Life_is_Worth_Living/Marriage-Problems.mp3

Our Church teaches that you are to approach the bishop to get permission to separate. This is clear in our canon law even though most will not help you see this truth.

Assuming you are obeying our Sacred Scripture and striving to love your spouse as Christ loves His Spouse, then any separation that is sought will be for the sake of the other and not the self.

It will be for love of your husband and your children… for desiring that their souls go to Heaven… that you would separate.

Perhaps it is wise, after receiving permission from the bishop to separate, to write him a letter explaining that you love him and will always love him and are doing this for his sake and the sake of the children. For he needs to repent of this lifestyle to gain back his Heavenly Spouse and then his earthly spouse. Neither will give up on him for as long as he lives. They will both be open to reconciliation… longing for reconciliation… upon his true repentance.

Get the $8 short little book titled Gift of Self from the Mary’s Advocates website and dive into it.

Those are just some thoughts from someone who longs for your soul to be in Heaven
You and your family are in my prayers. May you be a living witness of a love that always hopes and never ends.
Bryan
LOVE SO AMAZING
 
I think you should pray about it and do what you think is best for your and your children’s life. I’ll pray for you!
 
I think you should pray about it and do what you think is best for your and your children’s life. I’ll pray for you!
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I notice your “forjesus” name tag there.

I truly seek to understand this mindset… how does following your advise there imitate Jesus?

What examples do we have of Jesus saying, “I will pray about this and do what is best for Me. Not what is best for my Bride, the Church, or not what is the will of God the Father, but what is best for Me.”

How is “doing what is best for me” doing something “for Jesus?”

Again, I truly seek to understand how so many “Catholics” can reconcile this with our Faith.

Bryan

LOVE SO AMAZING
 
FCGeorge said:
I notice your “forjesus” name tag there.

I truly seek to understand this mindset… how does following your advise there imitate Jesus?

What examples do we have of Jesus saying, “I will pray about this and do what is best for Me. Not what is best for my Bride, the Church, or not what is the will of God the Father, but what is best for Me.”

How is “doing what is best for me” doing something “for Jesus?”
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Bryan, she wants to do what’s best for herself and her children. It’s not doing her children any favors letting them watch her be abused, physically or verbally. It sets them up to be victims or abusers in the future.
Jesus did not let people walk all over him. He stood up for the truth, which got him killed. His was a different situation from that of an abused wife.
 
Originally Posted by FCGeorge
I notice your “forjesus” name tag there.
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I truly seek to understand this mindset… how does following your advise there imitate Jesus?
Click to expand...
What examples do we have of Jesus saying, “I will pray about this and do what is best for Me. Not what is best for my Bride, the Church, or not what is the will of God the Father, but what is best for Me.”
Click to expand...
How is “doing what is best for me” doing something “for Jesus?”
Click to expand...
Bryan, she wants to do what’s best for herself and her children. It’s not doing her children any favors letting them watch her be abused, physically or verbally. It sets them up to be victims or abusers in the future.
Jesus did not let people walk all over him. He stood up for the truth, which got him killed. His was a different situation from that of an abused wife.
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Hey Viki,
I am hoping to keep the tone here pleasant. I completely understand that there are times when a separation is needed. This OP’s case may be one of those. There is no way anybody can judge based solely on the information we have. I pray she has the courage to obey our Lord and His Church and approach the bishop. Then, I pray the bishop has the courage to do his job.

Do you see the difference between the following approaches…
  1. My husband is a drunkard who is verbally and emotionally abusing me. I love my husband and my children. For I am commanded to love my husband and children, even though I am really no longer “in love” with my husband. I choose to love him anyway and desire nothing more than for his soul to find the narrow path that leads to the narrow gait and the eternal wedding feast. I truly believe that it will help him (and my children) for me to commincate this love for him and explain that it is why I am separating from him. I will plainly communicate to him that my door is always open to reconciliation upon his true repentance. And that I will help him in any way I can. For my job as a wife is to help sanctify my husband.
  2. My husband is a drunkard who is verbally and emotionally abusing me. I am not happy. I am not being loved the way I should be loved. This is not good for me or the children. I need to leave my husband so that I can heal. It will hurt my husband but I must take care of me.
Both approaches involve a separation, but do you see a difference in the heart that leads to each approach?

The second approach is far more popular today. It is usually followed with a civil divorce and then encouragement to “seek an annulment” and find someone who will love you the way you “deserve to be loved.”

I fail to see how the second approach is Christian. Do you see it as Christ-like? How?

Bryan
LOVE SO AMAZING
 
FCGeorge said:
Hey Viki,
I am hoping to keep the tone here pleasant. I completely understand that there are times when a separation is needed. This OP’s case may be one of those. There is no way anybody can judge based solely on the information we have. I pray she has the courage to obey our Lord and His Church and approach the bishop. Then, I pray the bishop has the courage to do his job.
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Yes, there is no way we can judge with the information provided.
But the OP is concerned for herself and her children – not just herself – they will be deeply influenced by her decisions. I’m just saying she would not be selfish to separate if that is what she decides is best for her, because at this point, what is best for her mental health will be good for her children.
Sometimes losing his family will bring an alcoholic to his senses.
 
Her walking out may help him understand that his drinking is a problem. But it also might make matters worse. If he’s abusive now, how much worse will he be when he no longer has her to verbally beat on? Some men would go to whatever lengths necessary to take care of the matter in their own way. 😦 An abusive person sometimes becomes more so when their “favorite” victim leaves. In other words, he may become violent. My suggestion would be to look for a battered women’s group in the area. Or something close to it. Counseling would also be a good suggestion. This would be both with the priest and with a social worker or other appropriate counselor. Much support is needed at this difficult time. I’ll be praying for you.
 
Please seek professional help. Some situations are outside the scope of CAF posters and must be guided by those who can fully understand your unique set of circumstances.
 
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