Help I'm Affected by Long Distance Dating

  • Thread starter Thread starter hazelnutella
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
H

hazelnutella

Guest
Dear all,

I’m here to ask for help with my emotional instability. God bless you for reading.

My bf and I have been dating for 1.5 years, both Catholics and in unversity. We live in 2 countries separated by a distance requiring flight. We meet normally every 5 months; sometimes 3 months. Last time I saw him was the start of the year.

The problem is I have been very depressed since he left. I miss him all day and feel tired or miserable. When it gets serious, I cry every day for consecutive days. It drains my energy and concentration from my stressful work as I study a tough subject and need to compete a lot for finding work. I don’t have many close friends and don’t go to bars etc so I’m not the type of “fun” person - most of my friends are just friends, hard to have a deep “soulful connection” with. Meanwhile, he is happy and all fine with his work and stuff; he’d love to see me again but it’s not like he misses me so badly. He has no problem focusing on his work and I sometimes feel even more miserable precisely because of this fact - that I am the overly emotionally dependent one.

It’s my first relationship and his second.

To clarify, replacing or distracting myself from him by new hobbies works only temporarily so I’m looking for a ROOT solution to being emotionally attached. Is there no way but to break up with him? 😦 You can be sure I love him a lot but it’s really making me depressed. 😦

PLEASE I’d love to hear from you about how to deal with this. My bf is like “you have to pull urself tgt” and “you’re sticky” and “you’re the only one who can deal with it”, which I already know. Not constructive because it restates the problem. I’m by nature a very emotional person and finds it hard to get more independent emotionally.

Never been to counselling and I’ve no idea whether my crying every day and stuff is a sort of depression but I’m sure I’m feeling quite horrible and it affects my spiritual health A LOT.

Thank you in advance <3

In Christ,
Hazelnutella
 
After 1.5 years, are you discussing marriage? I think you need to have a conversation with him to see whether you both see this going towards marriage, and if so, to set a time frame.
I think that men, generally, can compartmentalize things better than women can. Just because he is happy with work, doesn’t necessarily mean he loves you less than you do him. But you also need to consider your needs here, and whether, based on your personality, you are capable of feeling fulfilled, peaceful, and happy in any long distance relationship. There is no one specific person intended for each of other; it is often the best match at the right time.

Long distance relationships are very difficult and I am not a proponent of them at all. It is easy to put on a good face and get along for ten days every few months, or however often you meet. But to seriously know someone well enough to marry them, I feel like you need to be geographically close enough where you can see each other weekly, if not daily.
 
if it wasn’t clear, we are both serious people and we do find each other compatible. we do discuss marriage. And we do not live in a western society where dating is on average less indicative of long term plans.

he went to my city for exchange for 4 months during which we spent a lot of time tgt and are quite compatible throughout; the fact that i dont have a lot of close friends also suggests how carefully i choose a partner. it is because we are really compatible that we risk the long-d.
 
Hi Hazel,

The fact is, love shouldn’t be so hard. If your boyfriend saw a future with you he would move to be where you are in a heartbeat.

I went through these same types of issues when I was in my early twenties. Those were probably the most difficult and depressing years of my life. Some of that is normal at that age, but my twenties were the way they were mostly because of my relationship choices. And I was a lot like you-- didn’t go to bars, had a few good friends but was not overly social, etc. College was especially hard for me because of all the drinking and partying. I always felt like I didn’t fit in. A community or technical college probably would have suited me better. I guess I was more of the introverted serious type who always wanted a long term commitment leading to marriage and a family. I enjoyed the simple things in life, and desired a good career, but knew that I wanted to work to live, not live to work.

I dated someone who moved out of state and we would fly back and forth to see each other every couple months or so. It was brutal and expensive. To make matters worse, I had to pay a long-distance phone bill back then! He missed me but didn’t really want me to move where he was-- looking back, that was obviously a bad sign! He also liked to party and socialize and although he wanted to date me, he told me he was in no hurry to settle down. I continued to date him anyway. He was also from a different culture and religious background which made things even harder.

While I was doing my long-distance dating, I focused so much on that relationship and how unhappy I was, that I sacrificed my responsibilities and priorities, and didn’t realize true love that was probably sitting right in front of me.

About three years in to the relationship I started a new job. I also prayed very hard for God to open my eyes and guide me to find a partner in life who had the same goals and truly loved me, whether it be my long distance guy or someone else.

On the first day of my new job I met that person-- now my husband of 15 years. On our fist date we talked all night, so effortlessly. He soon became my best friend and we were inseparable- we adored each other. We dated for three years before he proposed. That’s not to say we didn’t have our share of ups and downs (I was kind of high maintenance because of all the baggage from previous relationships), but my future husband was patient and kind and I feel so blessed he stuck around 🙂 I sometimes feel like that long distance relationship was a blessing in disguise. It literally took me away from an exhausting relationship and gave me that kick in the behind that I needed!

After I met my husband, it was hard for me to believe that I thought that the long distance guy was so great and that I allowed myself to be controlled by a relationship that was going nowhere. I learned that romance and drama are NOT love. What we see in the movies or read in books is not real life-- and yes, even in my twenties I struggled being able to tell the difference between fantasy and what real life should be like. So many women spend what could be their best years allowing themselves to be emotionally attached to someone who never commits-- a waste!

So unless your guy changes–and he probably won’t–don’t waste your time, emotions and health on this relationship. It sounds like the two of you want different things and this relationship is more of a distraction in your life than anything else.

Tomorrow is another day and you can make a new start for yourself. It is easier said than done, but your faith is there to get you through as it did for me. I can tell you are a caring and kind person and there is someone out there who deserves your love, but it is probably not your current flame. Focus on your job, school, family, giving to the poor, etc., and love will come naturally. It may not happen right away, but it will happen when you start to live the life God wants you lead.

If I could give you anything, it would be the wisdom I have now at age 40, that I didn’t have at 20. Well I cannot do that, but I hope these words of truth, experience and encouragement help somewhat. And if you need to, see a counselor or priest. You will be in my prayers, Hazel.

Blessings to you!
 
Hazelnutella,

What country do you live in? What country does he live in? Is he Catholic?

I’ve tried to do long distance relationships on a number of occasions. I’ve even done them internationally.

I’ve found it extraordinarily difficult to try to get to know someone who is so far away. The guy I dated internationally lied to me on a number of issues, and I didn’t realize it. I wasn’t in the country so had no way to know.

After some of these experiences, I have realized that if I were to ever date again, it’d need to be with someone I can really get to know, well. I’ve learned I like someone who I can talk to, see every week.

How can we really know someone we see every 6 months? Well, it’s just that you will visit, both be on your best behavior. You won’t see each other for who you are.

For example, you will have no way to know if he’s saying someone else right now.

I’d recommend trying to date someone within your country, preferably within your state who is geographically close enough to you to really honestly get to know well, see him in all his moods, including when he’s angry.

Now, as to what you have described, you might be more introverted of the two of you. Introverts may only have one or two friends. However, the level of your friendship might be quite deep. Extroverts typically have a bunch of friends, but the friendships are more superficial.

Your needs don’t sound like they are being met in this relationship, and he doesn’t seem sympathetic when you try to bring them up. That’s not a good sign in a relationship that is considering moving to the next level, marriage.

If you are crying everyday, and you aren’t even married, that doesn’t sound like a very good beginning.

Also, while you didn’t specifically mention cultural or religious differences, are those also in play?

I think breaking up would be an option to consider, and if counseling would help you, there’d be nothing wrong with that. Sounds like you have a lot of feelings, hopes, and dreams to work through.

A counselor can act as a neutral person, and you can vent. He/she can help you see this more objectively and all your options.

It’s no fun, but I wish you luck in whatever you decide.
 
momfromwi said:
Hi Hazel,

The fact is, love shouldn’t be so hard. If your boyfriend saw a future with you he would move to be where you are in a heartbeat…
If I could give you anything, it would be the wisdom I have now at age 40, that I didn’t have at 20. Well I cannot do that, but I hope these words of truth, experience and encouragement help somewhat. And if you need to, see a counselor or priest. You will be in my prayers, Hazel.

Blessings to you!
Click to expand...
Thanks for the advice that I should be good to myself 🙂

Maybe I should add that my bf and I are in the same profession which requires doing exams if we want to switch from one jurisdiction to another. Since I am the younger one and he already has a contract waiting for him to work at the firm, and that his country is a more family-friendly country, I will likely be the one moving over (I’m fine with it). However, my stress if amplified by my career uncertainties (unlike him who has a contract already).
 
ClearWater said:
Hazelnutella,

What country do you live in? What country does he live in? Is he Catholic?

I’ve tried to do long distance relationships on a number of occasions. I’ve even done them internationally.

I’ve found it extraordinarily difficult to try to get to know someone who is so far away. The guy I dated internationally lied to me on a number of issues, and I didn’t realize it. I wasn’t in the country so had no way to know.
…

It’s no fun, but I wish you luck in whatever you decide.
Click to expand...
No cultural issues and he’s nice to me. And as I supplemented, we spent 4 months of intensive time tgt during his exchange in my city.

We love each other a lot and it’s really just a problem with me being too emotionally dependant. I do NOT want to break up with him but I’m not sure if there r other ways to be more put together.

You’re right about the risks. Luckily we are both educated in a subject that enables us to make a living easier than many other fresh graduates.
 
I assume the reason the OP and boyfriend do not move closer at the moment is because of university. My boyfriend and I are in a very similar boat and the constraint of school.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and are just now getting the hang of some of the details of our LDR. For us, it’s a plane or 14ish hour car trip. I also agree that men tend to be better able at compartmentalizing. Overall, my boyfriend handles not seeing each other far better than I do and I empathize with feeling overly emotional. I struggled with that…then the guilt, too. I felt guilty for being emotional which obviously was not a step towards developing the solution. I felt myself drowning in a routine of, “It’s only eight more weeks…eight more weeks…”

My mantra of counting down was contributing NOTHING to success in school or fostering friendships/family ties. With the patience of my boyfriend, I realized that I cannot change my emotions. I cannot change my desire just to be physically present with him and the accompanying sadness and anxiousness of being apart. I think essentially what I was doing was attempting to deny my emotions. Not necessarily deny that they existed, but try to deny them to myself to avoid feeling more guilty about being “more emotional” than him.

Not a good route.

My boyfriend and I both feel called to the husband leading the household. My attachment to denying emotions prevented me from accepting the role that I (not necessarily all women) am called to lead. When I accepted that YES, I am “more” emotional than him, our relationship improved. I allowed him to set the tone for our relationship and began following his lead. I don’t know how to quite describe it.

When I am getting “emotional”, I force myself to stop and think about what all is going on in my life. Usually it is not the distance that is the cause. Instead, I feel the weight of school, work, relationships, and so on… I try to find a single emotion (word) that best categorizes what I feel which helps me identify the root of WHY I am feeling it. When I realized that the anxiousness about our relationship usually came as a result of a big week of exams, everything got a lot better. Anything I (almost always) felt about our relationship was the aftermath of stress/anxiety/negativity in another area of life. I was able to turn more concretely to my boyfriend with concerns or happenings of my daily life. It is empowering for me to no longer feel crushingly overwhelmed and struggle to find the rational behind it. I now am better able to identify my emotions which just helps in a lot of areas of life. It isn’t that I stopped missing him or just say, “Oh…I had three exams and worked five nights straight this week…that’s why I feel so gushy and miss him so badly this week” but instead realized “Ok. I had three exams and worked a lot this week. I feel frazzled by the busy week and consequently frazzled about our relationship.” It forces me to think critically about what I am actually feeling about our relationship.

I just wanted to share my experience as a 20-something university student in a similar position…if anything just know I am in solidarity with you in many ways. I am still digesting your situation and this post probably came out a little jumbled…it’s finals week here!

I do recommend talking to either a close family member, friend, priest, or counselor if you feel the need.

It also sounds like based on your most recent post that there’s perhaps a few things you haven’t discussed with him? If you move to his country, would he be able to support you for a short time until you get your feet planted? How soon would marriage follow? Is engagement the step before the move? Just some questions to think about, too.

Ultimately, the absolute largest piece of advice I can offer to you is just to lift up this situation to the Lord. Just give it to Him. Give Him your worries and allow Him to be your rock! Whenever I do feel stressed specifically about our relationship, I aim to open my heart to the Lord and let Him pilot me. He calms me in a way deeper than my boyfriend, or any other person, can. It helps me to remember that the Lord is in control and to just allowing His will to be done.

Ok, that’s it. 🙂
 
hazelnutella said:
No cultural issues and he’s nice to me. And as I supplemented, we spent 4 months of intensive time tgt during his exchange in my city.

We love each other a lot and it’s really just a problem with me being too emotionally dependant. I do NOT want to break up with him but I’m not sure if there r other ways to be more put together.

You’re right about the risks. Luckily we are both educated in a subject that enables us to make a living easier than many other fresh graduates.
Click to expand...
I would say that I am emotionally-dependent on my husband (and he on me), and I’m 55. If you really love someone, you never want to be apart from them for long. I think it’s quite understandable that you are finding the situation difficult.
 
I did a few long distance relationships including one overseas. Not anymore, been many years since I was last in one. Logistics, apartness, expense, frustration, lack of time physically together, etc. All of these played a part. After the last one ended, I said no more, I will only date locally. When I was on dating sites, I was routinely contacted from out of town, sorry, no interest here even if she might have been worth a look. The biggest issue was the frustration every time we parted ways following a visit. I’m a believer in time spent together before marriage and long distance relationships don’t help that at all. A lesson learned. Email, Skype and phone are poor substitutes.
 
After a year and a half if he is not ready to set a date to marry you then move on and find a man who is ready for marriage. I’m sure he has his good qualities but it’s cruel to tell you to pull yourself together while not giving you a commitment.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top