Help -- I'm everything I shouldn't be

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benadams

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Hello; I have a rather long and challenging post. Hopefully most of you would give this post the time of day, because I know, I probably wouldn’t….

I suppose, well, rather, I am not a nice person. Each day I live, I think I become meaner and angrier; at least I’m told that. I am on the verge of loosing my fiancée, which is the most important thing in my life. I know the solution is going to be “talk to someone in person,” but frankly, I don’t want to. I would rather work on this myself, in anonymity.

See, I’ve tried to be that nice Catholic person, but I was walked all over and now I’m back to where I started. I feel in a way, God designed me this way, to be the person I am, which is not that nice person. However, people tell me otherwise. I don’t feel myself when I’m being nice for no reason.

Here are the things I am. For each thing I am, someone close to me has already told me I am that, which means I do show it a lot.
• I’m very prejudice. I take the “I don’t like you, until I know you the approach” for everyone I met, this combines with the next thing about me
• I don’t trust anyone but myself and fiancée
• I’m racist, but I don’t think I am. I have a few African-American friends, I have a Koren friend. However, I hate “gangsters,” this includes anyone who walks, talks, or acts that way. Because most gangsters are African-American, I suppose this is why people think I’m racist…
• I am a conservative and would fight to the death to protect the traditional American values. I want public services gone, I want welfare gone, I want WIC gone, I want us to kill those terrorists that want me dead. I think we should relay on the churches and public services to aid those in need – which I have no problem donating my own money to. I’m the type that let’s politics break up a friendship, and it’s happening to me and my fiancée.
• I have a hard time forgiving. Basically, I think that if you have burned your bridges with me, I am going to be the one to make sure they crumble if you ever come back to me for something.
• I’m never in a good mood. I’m always angry about something.

What really hit me though today, was that someone I know was talking of someone. He said that this guy would put you down any chance he could get to elevate himself. I replied “Wow, what a ‘butt’.” However, I knew who that person sounded like. It sounded like myself (even though we were talking about someone else). I put everyone around me down.

Well, I guess I have summed myself up pretty well. What I am asking for is for some help and advice. I would like to change. I have tried to change a few times, but it never lasts. I know most of you have probably not come to a conclusion about me, however, if this was you, I would have replied with a not so nice message. So I sincerely thank you for your kindness in this matter.

What do you suggest I do to make myself that “nice” person – and feel like that is who I was meant to be, not someone I am pretending to me? Don’t mind asking me about my views and whatnot; I would really like people to understand how far deep I am in this “anger” I am.

BSA.
 
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benadams:
Well, I guess I have summed myself up pretty well. What I am asking for is for some help and advice. I would like to change. I have tried to change a few times, but it never lasts. I know most of you have probably not come to a conclusion about me, however, if this was you, I would have replied with a not so nice message. So I sincerely thank you for your kindness in this matter.

What do you suggest I do to make myself that “nice” person – and feel like that is who I was meant to be, not someone I am pretending to me? Don’t mind asking me about my views and whatnot; I would really like people to understand how far deep I am in this “anger” I am.

BSA.
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My suggestion is pick one thing at a time work on something small and master it. Then hit the next one. The same reason a diet never works is because we always try and lose everything in a day crash course diet and then give up because we took on to much. It is the same with prayer. Practice optimism. You sound like you are pretty hard on yourself. Everyone has some good points focus on them as you work on the negative points. Ask your fiance to write a list of things she loves about you. Focus on those things as you begin. Ask your fiance to help you. With God all things are possible. Believe in yourself. Do an examination of conscience every night. But look at the good you conquered in your day as well as the bad.
Hope this helps. I will pray for you.
 
Sorry, I think the best thing for you to do is get a spiritual director or a Christian counselor. Self-knowledge is very important. And, humility. I wonder if your pride that keeps you from seeking the help of another is the source of your difficulty.

I’m sure your fiance will be be more convinced of your sincerity if you humble yourself to submit to help from an advisor.

I bet that you are a choleric or a melancholic in spiritual temperament. Cholerics really need spiritual direction because of their “firm opinions.”

I think it took a lot of courage to make your post. I’m sure God will hear your prayer.
 
Whoa! at least you can call yourself honest! 🙂

I don’t have all the answers, but I do recommend that you pray real hard to Our Lady or who ever you feel closest too! and I’ll tell you why, as you get closer to knowing Jesus he will mold you and shape you as much as your willing to co-operate with His grace to be like him. Its a life time struggle, but not impossible. All those flaws in your charachter is really a lack of love, and thats something we all have to possess to truly be like Jesus.

I too have many charachter flaws, one is anger and I struggle with this all the time. Its one that my father has and has passed down to me and others lol siblings I mean, but this is certain, once you recognize your frailties, its grace and the beginning of change .
A technique I often apply is having the area I need to work on, in the forefront of my mind, so if I lose it I can regain myself by recognising it right away and offer kindness instead, and I have to oppologize alot. :o

I could go on and reveal more of myself, but I think I’ve made my point
Hope that helps 😉
 
Thank you both for your quick responses and thank you for your prayers.
JMJ Theresa:
I wonder if your pride that keeps you from seeking the help of another is the source of your difficulty.
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I’m a young local business owner. I always BS to make that sale, to ensure that partnership, etc.… I do what is needed, within reason, to put bread on table. People I interact with in business don’t know this about me (all the things I posted about). They think I’m the nicest and most caring person in the world. The only ones that know are the ones close to me. I fear the humiliation. I know speaking the Church about this matter won’t destroy my livelihood; however, as I said, I don’t trust anyone. I fear and think most of the time that you’re talking behind my back – I don’t even trust my employees. I fear the reaction of my fiancée and our friends who know of my difficulties. I think you were very correct as describing me as choleric.
 
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benadams:
Hello; I have a rather long and challenging post. Hopefully most of you would give this post the time of day, because I know, I probably wouldn’t….

I suppose, well, rather, I am not a nice person. Each day I live, I think I become meaner and angrier; at least I’m told that. I am on the verge of loosing my fiancée, which is the most important thing in my life. I know the solution is going to be “talk to someone in person,” but frankly, I don’t want to. I would rather work on this myself, in anonymity.

See, I’ve tried to be that nice Catholic person, but I was walked all over and now I’m back to where I started. I feel in a way, God designed me this way, to be the person I am, which is not that nice person. However, people tell me otherwise. I don’t feel myself when I’m being nice for no reason.

BSA.
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First of all, the fact that you know you have a problem is a major step. Second, you’ve decided to reach out for some help, and even though this seems like an anonymous way, it still is putting it out there, and that is another major step.

We all have problems with our nature, it’s called a sin nature. Sin nature does not want us to react in love, it wants us to react in a selfish way to circumstances or people around us. You need to recognize this for what it is. Because what needs to happen for you is change, change in your nature from being sinful to being Christlike. That only comes through Grace, and that starts with repentance.

We all struggle with this, and on a daily basis. When you recognize the sin in yourself, you need to activate Grace in your life starting with the Sacrament of Reconciliation. That allows the Holy Spirit to start to work on the inside of you, giving you the new nature you are longing for, the new nature of Christ. Then you need the Eucharist in your life, which will fill you with more Grace that will help you.

Trying to be a good Catholic person on your own without the Holy Spirit will only end in failure. And despair. He wants to help you. He wants you to be filled with Him and rid of all that junk you are carrying around on the inside.

Tell the Lord you are sorry and that you need his help. Get to a priest and make a good confession, unload all of this. Ask the Lord to help you each day to try to love the way He loves, which means seeing people the way He sees them. You will start to see a change in your heart. It may not be completely changed overnight, but it will happen if you let Him help you.

God Bless and I will say a prayer for you!
Jeanette
 
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Nance:
I too have many charachter flaws, one is anger and I struggle with this all the time. Its one that my father has and has passed down to me and others lol siblings I mean, but this is certain, once you recognize your frailties, its grace and the beginning of change .
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I am often called a “rageaholic.” I have seen a recent Dr. Phil where the husband was a ragaholic and destroyed his family. I fear, and know, that is going to be me in a few years. I too have inherited anger from my family. I come from an off-the-boat Italian family. My grandparents were rageaholics, and my father was a rageaholic. Now my brother and I am rageholics and it is one of the things tearing things apart (in my life). I have been working on myself to keep my rage in check, but I have the occasional outburst.
 
Benadams… go see a priest and tell him all that you said to us, bc in the confessional (which is confidential), well that sacrament is awesome, healing and real growth will be available to you.
Forgive me here but pride and fear the tools of the evil one will keep you from advancing to holiness.

Go for it! 👍
 
benadams said:
• I want public services gone, I want welfare gone, I want WIC gone…
BSA.
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Next time you dial 911 after someone breaks in your house, or you are bleeding to death, think about what you have asked to be removed. contrary to popular belief, most people on welfare simply have no alternative. i should know, as i spend most of my life treating, protecting, and interacting with them as both a police officer and paramedic. i spent over 4 weeks in New Orleans, Biloxi, Gulport and other areas after Katrina, of which i am unable to describe the problems that people are really facing. take away welfare and WIC, and i guarantee that you sentence thousands and thousands of people to death.

want my advice? strap on some kevlar, keep your head low, hop in with a police or paramedic ride-along for a while in an inner city, a district that is the worst of the worst. take a while and talk with people who have to make the choice between their children eating, or them eating.

ill tell you what makes me angry:
-watching as an 11 year old chokes on his own brain matter after being shot in a drive-by.
-watching as a 26 year old chokes on his own brain matter after being shot by an attacker.
-watching a person burn to death while trapped inside a car
-dealing with a poor elderly couple who had their identity stolen, and are about to have a unecessary tax evasion warrant filed
-treating a 13 year old girl who was repeatedly raped
-being promised federal money for better body armor, equipment, and pay increases, and having it cut the next year
-watching FEMA run around like helpless nitwits, and deciding to pull out medical teams because of a “lack of need”
-watching people sift through the rubble of their house, and everything they had is gone
-and my least favorite - transporting the frozen corpses of a homeless person and her child who were turned away from a shelter.

i was probably alot like you describe yourself until i got a glimpse of how the world really is at age 17, when i got my EMT certification in NJ. if you have your own business, you should be counting your lucky stars and thanking God for every minute of luxury life given to you.
 
I concure with the previous advice and have a few book suggestions if you really want to try the do it yourself way. BUT speaking of do it yourself: It is God who will be able to transform you so you have to pray to him and tell him that you are hopeless and helpless on your own.

My book suggestions:
**
Change your brain, Change your life**: By Dr. Amen In this book he describes different problems that eople have and makes suggestions on how to cure them. He is very scientific about is explanations. He discusses things like anger, perpetual negative thoughts etc.

Introduction to the Devout life by St. Francis de Sales. A wonderful guide to life.

The imitation of Christ. This book deals with all issues that you could possibly have. Well I haven’t found a problem that I couldn’t apply one of its chapters to.

Kindess (There mught be a subtitle, but I forgot it) by Fr. Lovasik by Sophia Institute Press
 
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BioCatholic:
Next time you dial 911 after someone breaks in your house, or you are bleeding to death, think about what you have asked to be removed. contrary to popular belief, most people on welfare simply have no alternative. i should know, as i spend most of my life treating, protecting, and interacting with them as both a police officer and paramedic. i spent over 4 weeks in New Orleans, Biloxi, Gulport and other areas after Katrina, of which i am unable to describe the problems that people are really facing. take away welfare and WIC, and i guarantee that you sentence thousands and thousands of people to death.

want my advice? strap on some kevlar, keep your head low, hop in with a police or paramedic ride-along for a while in an inner city, a district that is the worst of the worst. take a while and talk with people who have to make the choice between their children eating, or them eating.

ill tell you what makes me angry:
-watching as an 11 year old chokes on his own brain matter after being shot in a drive-by.
-watching as a 26 year old chokes on his own brain matter after being shot by an attacker.
-watching a person burn to death while trapped inside a car
-dealing with a poor elderly couple who had their identity stolen, and are about to have a unecessary tax evasion warrant filed
-treating a 13 year old girl who was repeatedly raped
-being promised federal money for better body armor, equipment, and pay increases, and having it cut the next year
-watching FEMA run around like helpless nitwits, and deciding to pull out medical teams because of a “lack of need”
-watching people sift through the rubble of their house, and everything they had is gone
-and my least favorite - transporting the frozen corpses of a homeless person and her child who were turned away from a shelter.

i was probably alot like you describe yourself until i got a glimpse of how the world really is at age 17, when i got my EMT certification in NJ. if you have your own business, you should be counting your lucky stars and thanking God for every minute of luxury life given to you.
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Thank you for your real world encounters. See, the thing is, I’m about to debate you on most of the things you posted versus taking my blessings. My alternatives include telling people “you should have invested in home owner’s insurance,” or “give rapists death.” I know those are mean things to say, but that’s how I think.
 
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marcsababa:
Change your brain, Change your life
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: By Dr. Amen In this book he describes different problems that eople have and makes suggestions on how to cure them. He is very scientific about is explanations. He discusses things like anger, perpetual negative thoughts etc.

Introduction to the Devout life by St. Francis de Sales. A wonderful guide to life.

The imitation of Christ. This book deals with all issues that you could possibly have. Well I haven’t found a problem that I couldn’t apply one of its chapters to.

Kindess (There mught be a subtitle, but I forgot it) by Fr. Lovasik by Sophia Institute Press
Thank you, I will look into purchasing these.
 
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benadams:
Thank you for your real world encounters. See, the thing is, I’m about to debate you on most of the things you posted versus taking my blessings. My alternatives include telling people “you should have invested in home owner’s insurance,” or “give rapists death.” I know those are mean things to say, but that’s how I think.
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that is until you actually see it happening. see real people and their faces and reaction.
 
We all have flaws. You know what yours are and as others have said that is awesome. Really important though is to start listening to your thoughts when you are feeling these things. Are you reinforcing these beliefs, are you planning your comeback while the other person is still trying to make their point? If you are talking to yourself while the person that is making you mad is talking then you really can’t hear them. I might suggest that when you feel yourself getting upset (you will discover your own unique signs of this such as feeling hot, starting to shake, gritting teeth ,etc) stay quiet both internally and externally for a time, then say a Hail Mary, then respond. It’s hard to respond in anger when you have just spoken to and asked the Blessed Mother to pray for you. You really can change this. I have seen it happen ( I used to run an anger management class when I was in the army)!It does take time and you can ask your fiance to help you. I’m sure she knows when you are getting mad by watching you so you may want to ask her what she sees you doing physically before you blow up. I wish you all the best.
 
The posts in response to your question are all excellent.

May I also suggest that you think of someone that you know … could be a real person, or a fictitious person … a man or a woman … who has one quality that you admire. Let’s just call the person “Joe”.

The person as a whole doesn’t have to be a super person… only that they have ONE quality that you admire AND that you would like to have that quality for yourself.

Then visualize that person applying that admirable quality in some situation. And close your eyes and just visualize how masterfully that person applies that one quality in some situation.

Just… admire and appreciate how well that person applies that one quality …

Then freeze the action and realize that the person you are visualizing is really just a costume… a suit… and you can walk behind the costume and put on the “Joe” costume. One leg, then the other leg, and one arm and the other arm, and then the head piece and zip it up. And suddenly YOU are “Joe” but only in that one application of that one quality. And you can see out through “Joe’s” eyes and you can restart the action and you can actually BE “Joe” while “Joe” is doing the admirable thing or acting with the one quality that you admire.

Feel how “Joe” feels when he is doing this admirable thing. Enjoy how “Joe” enjoys doing this admirable thing.

After a few minutes of visualizing yourself wearing the “Joe” suit, open your eyes. Blink a few times. Say some silly word, like “refrigerator”… this is called a “break state”]

Then repeat the same exercise again.

Repeat it five times.

Then walk around a bit and feel yourself possessing that one particularly admirable quality. And let that admirable quality flow to your arms and legs and fingers and toes and your brain. So that that particular admirable quality is now part of you. It is one of YOUR own building blocks.

Then, think of another person who has some other quality that you admire… Let’s call that person: “Pete”. And do the exercise with the “Pete” costume. And do it five times.

And keep doing that… each time (once a day), sit quietly and think of a person who has some quality that you would like to have and put on that person’s “costume” five times until yet another positive behavior has become yours.

Eventually, what will happen is that you will add so many new positive habitual behaviors to your personality, that the old undesireable behaviors will no longer be noticeable. Just keep doing it. If you do one or two a day, in a month, you will have a whole new personality that you custom tailored to yourself.

After a half-dozen or a dozen of these “iterations” you may find that people are coming to you with compliments about your new personality.
 
It sounds as though for at least part of it, you need another outlet for your anger. I would try kickboxing/karate/other forms of martial arts as these provide a safe outlet for anger and frustrations, as well helping to develope mental disciple.

You mentioned family member had had the same problems, and they greatly negatively affected your family. Remember them, each time you feel yourself loosing your temper, and how much you do NOT want to be like them. Create a room in your house where no one goes but you, and have this be your ‘cool off room’. If you find yourself in a discussion getting too heated, go into this room to cool off and try to think rationally. Rather than try to force people to have the same opinion as you, try to see their point of view. REALLY try. Even if you can’t, just remember - “is it really worth it? this fight? do I care that much about this topic that I am willing to destory my relationship with this person??” If you are somewhere in public or at another’s house, excuse yourself to the bathroom, calm down, and when you come back, change the subject.

Read the self - help books listed above. Read books about saint lives, especially those that emphasize humility. You have shown great humility in coming here for help, but this needs to take the next step, into your private life, where you will be able to admit that you might be wrong, that another’s opinion might make sense, ect.

volunteer. as another poster said, it is so easy to condemn the poor, say they should have stayed in school, they should have invested in house insurace, that they should go for financial aide instead of selling dope, ect from our high places of wealth. when you begin to experience their true dispair you will begin to see it is far from that easy. People in the inner cities, poor areas, are so often scammed by phony insurance companies, they can’t afford enough care, gangs run the schools and keep people from wanting to succeed. Life is in such an endless cycle of poverty that you will be shocked at how it impossible it can be to break free.

When you start to start with racist ideas, remember that your way of thinking is only hurting and contradicting your ideas that they can just pull themselves out of the ghettos. You have no idea how people ended up in the gangs, what htey are truly like, ect. remember this.

good luck to ya
 
learn to love who you are and the rest is easy…

how do you do that, by doing everything that has been posted one step at a time.

you want to argue everything that the buisness person in you.
its also partly i am sure how you were raised, depend on noone else
be self supporting.

well these can be fine values when done in MODERATION,
you state you are worried about losing your fiancee,
this is where to start, Get support from her,depend on HER.
show her you do need her,this is a big root of the problem
and you relize it in a way,
nobody wants to be “unneeded”.
yet your personality wants you to be unneeding,this is where you need to change, you do need someone regardless of what you think, your fiancee is that someone…

communicate with her,

this will get you where you desire to be…its up to you.

good luck in your endeavor
may God help you with his wisdon and guidence
John
 
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benadams:
. I am on the verge of loosing my fiancée, which is the most important thing in my life. I know the solution is going to be “talk to someone in person,” but frankly, I don’t want to.
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I’m married to a man who dislikes talking to counsellors. Or he’ll go with me, agree with everything the person says, and then turn around after we leave and say, I was just going along to be polite, I won’t really do what I said.
That makes me feel really helpless and alone. Is that what you want for your fiancee, now or after you’re married?
Fortunately, our problems aren’t too severe, we can pretty much handle them on our own, But it sounds like you and your fiancee will have trouble with your relationship in the future, if not now.
I sincerely advise you to get over the idea that a real man doesn’t go to a counselor, find a Catholic one, and make an appointment.
Grownups have to do lots of things they don’t want to.
 
Dear benadams,

You sound like a person I could trust.

By the time I could speak with such clarity about how my views differed from others, I had been locked up in a mental ward. That is because I did NOT know how to “BS” my way through bureaucracy (talking BS: Bureaucratically Suitable lingo) but continued to expect people to have some sort of a clue.

For example, people ask me a question and then yell at me because I give them an accurate answer. They pay me to solve a problem, only to push the solution aside and then put me down for it, when I have insight and inside information they don’t have that says it’s fixed. To me, with a MS in electrical engineering and in the past working at Bell Labs with some of the supposed greatest minds in the world, I expected other people to have a clue.

Not so. They are like walking zombies, programmed by society to act in very strange ways. Without sales (read “BS”) ability I was lost.

The best thing I can say about perpetual anger level is that even when I got very far along in my own “spiritual journey” I find that once I learn to get over one thing, I feel like I’ll be OK until something even more trivial sets me off. I finally recognized this as progress, as Christ said that if you drive out one demon then seven more sinister (and subtle I think) take its place. It’s kind of like, once you get rid of the thing bugging you most, the next thing then shines its head up from out of the noise level.

To me, you sound like a “classic” case of a person who has not been introduced to the “contemplative” way of life – silent prayer, for example, Lectio Divina, centering prayer, etc. Church dogma and rules are wonderful, but one has to figure out how to live in a world where a great deal of them are scarcely given lip service or surface attention. What this will do is allow your mind to expand in ways toward those things you don’t know as well as those you do know – and the effect it has on a person is very individual even though there are common threads. The Holy Spirit, aka the “Divine Therapist,” can heal a lifetime of emotional wounds. For me, that’s been a lot as I didn’t have any “hard luck” stories of many people, but being a very innocent (i.e. socially clueless) child and very sensitive to right and wrong, the world brought me up to be a perfect BS hater – but I am recovering.

I am glad to see that you can hold a job given the way you describe. I could have sort-of describe myself the way you did, all except my ability to deal with people, “BS” as it were to make things work. Now that my heart is happy and at rest I’m right now in the stage of learning how to “dance” with other people who are not as pure at thinking logically as I’d wish.

Alan
 
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