Help -- I'm everything I shouldn't be

[3boyzmom]

Benadams, I assume you asked for help for a reason- I am assuming that reason must be because you are unhappy in your current situation.

1. Re: counseling: Don’t wait around until you feel that you can trust someone. That may not happen. You have to take some chances sometime.
2. Re: having so many opinions: God calls us to serve others. If you try to live this every day, these feelings will almost surely subside in time. We have to forgive other people, just as God forgives us. Once you are able to forgive others and accept God’s forgiveness, you will be amazed how burdens are lifted from you.
3. Don’t expect perfection in yourself. We are all sinful by nature. Myself, and everyone else who posts here. All we can do is to trust God, pray, ask forgiveness, forgive others, and don’t forget to serve, serve, serve others. To humble yourself is a truly liberating experience. Every time you fall, ask forgiveness, and keep trying. Take one day at a time.
4. Re: Trust issues- once you are able to trust God, he will help you learn to trust others. Do others always respond respectfully to our trust? No, not always. But more often they do. Those who let us down…we forgive.
5. Re: forgiveness- if it bothers you to think of forgiving others because it seems like ‘giving them something they don’t deserve’, then think of it as something you give yourself. By forgiving others, you release yourself from the torment of having to spend your time being angry and resentful. Anyway, do any of us ‘deserve’ forgiveness? No, it is a gift we are given, and one we can freely give others.

These thoughts don’t address everything you mentioned, but they’re the ones that I felt compelled to address. Re: social services such as welfare, WIC, etc… those are big issues to tackle at this point in your quest for change. I think if you tackle the most basic issues first, your perspective on other things may morph over time.

OK, OK, I think you may challenge the things I have said here. But here’s a challenge for you… I don’t think you would have posted the problem if you weren’t looking for some answers, and everyone here is trusting YOU enough to give you their honest and heartfelt thoughts… so, I hope you give the ideas presented some thought! God bless you.

 

[benadams]

Hello again;
My apologizes if it seems as if I had took your advice and ran. I have been quite busy, but I have read all the responses multiple times. I still have not spoke to the Church about my problems, but I have enrolled in an anger management type course and am going to a stress counselor and an anger counselor. I am presuming a lot of my rage comes from the daily grind, which stresses me out tremendously.

As of now, two weeks later, I still have a lot of rage and hate, but I am working with it with my group and counselors. I feel a lot more relaxed and composed after my sessions.

Thank you for all your advice. It has not gone unheard.

BSA.

 

[ridesawhitehors]

I have known people just like you.
You have the deadly sin of pride. Meditate on that. Get real. Go to confession, often. Pray. Get over it. You’ll be fine.
Simple, blunt, but honest…just like you.

 

[Peace-bwu]

benadams:

I know the solution is going to be “talk to someone in person,” but frankly, I don’t want to. I would rather work on this myself, in anonymity.

First, you are recognizing problems in yourself. We all have flaws depending on our life experiences and personalities. It’s good to recognize yours, now the next step is to do what it takes to change. You say you want to work on it “yourself” but it is crucial to realize that you can’t do anything without God. The most important thing you need to be able to become the person you were created to be is GRACE from God. You may think you have grace but, you can never have too much grace. Grace is the help from God that none of us have done anything to deserve. It is a free gift and all you have to be willing to do is accept it. To do that you must go to Confession and be absolved of your sins, then take it one step at a time. What you are going to do will take a lifetime. We are all in a constant state of conversion to become the unique individuals God created us to be. After Confession make sure to go to Mass regularly. If you don’t have a Bible, Rosary and Catechism, get them, put them in your car and during your lunchbreak or other break, take a few minutes to pray. Humble yourself before the Lord and ask for His help in seeing others through His eyes, and ask God to help you become the person he created you to be, to know His Will and Follow it.

See, I’ve tried to be that nice Catholic person, but I was walked all over and now I’m back to where I started.

Everyone falls, everyone gets discouraged and when you do you just have to get right back up and keep trying. Persevere! That is what prunes our branches to produce the sweetest fruit. It builds our character. We are called to be more than “nice Catholic people” We are called to be a priestly people, a holy people, God’s chosen people. That doesn’t happen overnight it happens over a lifetime of trials and failures as we mature in our faith. Life has it’s beautiful and delightful moments that take your breath away, but we all know its’ hard, full or pain we don’t always deserve. I suggest that you read up on the lives of the saints and choose a few who inspire you, some that fit your personality or overcame some of the same vices such as anger. The first I want you to look up is St. Paul. He went from persecuting Christians to being a martyr. When you feel hurt or angry about your pain and being walked over in the past, think about Jesus. He was the perfect sinless man, both God and man, yet he chose to suffer and die for us, to become human in order to feel human pain and suffering and He did it as a free gift to you. He certainly didn’t deserve it. The lives of the saints are full of persecution, torture, pain they didn’t deserve, but they are Saints because of their faith, their willingness to allow the unavoidable suffering in life become a catylist for spiritual trasformation, to allowed the Holy Spirit to work in their lives and transform them into a spiritually mature person who could see the world through the eyes of Christ and could sacrifice their lives to make the Kingdom of God present on Earth. A little taste of heaven for those around them, all in the name of God.

I feel in a way, God designed me this way, to be the person I am, which is not that nice person. However, people tell me otherwise. I don’t feel myself when I’m being nice for no reason.

I spend my adult life being nice for apparently no reason. The reason is God and God alone. A person like you is a puzzle to me because I have spent my life since childhood fighting against the traits you are battling. Although my patience and kindness seems “natural” to those around me, they assume it is just easier for me, or that it is credit to my personality or nature, NOPE it has come about with a WHOLE lot of practice and prayer and sacrifice on my part. It isn’t anything I can take credit for, it is just striving every day to allow God to transform me, to be open to the lessons of life and learn from them, to constantly try to look at others through the eyes of Christ. Yes, God designed you with specific talents, perhaps they are a strong will, natural leadership, only you can decide what they are. But whatever God endowed you with, I assure you, He meant them to be developed to be used for good, for the love of God and life, not to be self serving or to be “mean” as you say. If you allow God to do it, and you cooperate with His Grace, your gifts and talents can be used for so much more than you can imagine! But first things first, you have to begin on your knees. Seek God’s Word and guidence and approval. Desire a life of holiness and first do no harm when it comes to your talents.

 

[Peace-bwu]

Here are the things I am. For each thing I am, someone close to me has already told me I am that, which means I do show it a lot.
• I’m very prejudice. I take the “I don’t like you, until I know you the approach” for everyone I met, this combines with the next thing about me

This can be changed. First you have to change the way you perceive people. First step, recognize that your value and dignity come simply from the fact that God created you out of pure love and goodness, to live with him for eternity. Know that every person you encounter is for a reason. With time and prayer you will begin the habit of looking at people the way Jesus would.

• I don’t trust anyone but myself and fiancée

You are misplacing your trust if you place it on any other human being. If you place your trust in anyone but God you will eventually be let down, even by yourself. We are all human and imperfect. You have to place *all *your trust in God. In a marriage, Jesus is the center of the marriage, it is a vocation where the goal is to help your spouse get into heaven. Trust your wife, but don’t build your marriage on your trust for her, build it on Trust and obedience and Love for God. Your fiance (future wife) is only human and will eventually let you down, no matter how hard both of you try. If you give up on a person because they make a mistake you will be alone. When you have total trust in God, then you begin to see everyone around you as a “work in progress.” and that your role in any relationship, whether it be marriage or a complete stranger is to be Jesus for that person, all forgiving, all loving, for the good of that person’s soul, not a self serving love that is only there if you are getting something out of it, trust. wlith total trust in God, you won’t be devastated when someone lets you down, because you know they are human, you will simply forgive them and work with helping them be the best they can be.

• I’m racist, but I don’t think I am. I have a few African-American friends, I have a Koren friend. However, I hate “gangsters,” this includes anyone who walks, talks, or acts that way.

It doesn’t sound as though you are racist but more classist. With the above suggestions, I will say that with work (Confession, prayer, etc.) Again, strive to look at human beings through the eyes of Jesus. I can understand being prejudiced toward that particular group of people who act like gangsters whether they be black white or latio, it carries a certain connotation. Try to look at each person you come across as an individual. You may be surprised that looks are often deceiving. A person may look like a gangster, yet be the most amazing person you will ever meet. My brother in law looks like a Huge mean biker tall 300 + lbs with long hair and lots of facial hair. In reality he is a well educated geologist who often works for the EPA, environmental cleanup and is a loving, gentle father to three children and a wife with a doctorate and career as a professor. They are both registered republicans, raise cattle and livestock for the joy of it and he is one of the most wonderful people I know, genuine, interesting and I love to talk to him. Point of the story, begin to try to see every person as an individual whose dignity comes from God, that they are a work in progress and just might have something to teach you because you are a work in progress too.

• I am a conservative and would fight to the death to protect the traditional American values.

I am too, as is my Air Force husband.

 

[Peace-bwu]

I want public services gone, I want welfare gone, I want WIC gone, I

In an ideal world there would be no need for this. I understand the desire to keep citizens from becoming dependant on the governement. I also want Churches and charities to handle more than the government, I understand this concept… Start with yourself. How much money do you give to church and charities? Do you give 10% of your income?

When my husband was a senior Airmen, I lost my job due to cutbacks, and became pregnant, with nausea so bad that I lost 10 lbs in the 1st trimester. The frameshop I was working for was not taking any taxes out of my paycheck, even though I requested it. I didn’t get a normal pay stub because I was one of only two employees, so I just got a yellow receipt from their accountant. So there I was, husband deployed, pregnant, mornings sickness, no job, and $3,000 in taxes due. The only job I could get as a college student was at Kmart. It was sheer misery to work there, but I did it and earned enough money with overtime to pay my taxes! I was treated like yesterdays’ garbage there, but I worked until 9 mos. pregnant on my feet all day. When my baby was born on a senior airman’s pay, I couldn’t afford to pay child care and work. The only place that would work with my husband’s schedule and TDY (missions) was Walmart. So I worked there on opposite shifts with my husband. We both worked our butts off. My husband was flying into combat zones in Bosnia, but we still qualified for WIC. If we had not had WIC for two years, we literally would not have had food alot of the time. We were hard working, fighting for our country military family. My husband’s pay was so low that we actually qualified for food stamps, but didn’t take them. It took alot of swallowing my pride to go into that WIC office once a month, but I did it.

I want us to kill those terrorists that want me dead.

Hmm… can my husband do it for you? Join the military. Seriously, though, if you are really feeling angry to the point of violence, not just the desire to protect America, but a fantasy to do violence, that is something you need to work on, but a healthy sense of wanting to protect America and those weaker than you, is probably not a problem. From what you say, though, it sounds like it may stem from a place of anger rather than a sense of justice?

I think we should relay on the churches and public services to aid those in need – which I have no problem donating my own money to.

I am a fan of Reganomics. I also know that the Churches don’t get enough money, and in many cases freedom, to support all those in need. Start with yourself, How much do you give? jDo you give 10% to your church? (dont’ answer that, just ask yourself) Our country has allowed a whole class of people of all races to become dependant on the government, a skewed sense of charity has become, for many, an inability to take care of themselves because they are dependant. There is nothing wrong with wanting to change that. However there are people out there who genuinely need a helping hand for awhile, because they had financial setbacks. There are also people who are on disability for good reason. A family member of mine has manic depression. She is really embarassed to be on medicaid, but without it she wouldn’t be able to afford the medicine that keeps her sane. A huge majority of people who are homeless are mentally ill who need to take regular medication. I consider myself a conservative, interfere as little as possible with the natural economic curve. I also have seen the reality of people who genuinely need assistance. Someday you may experience that too.

I’m the type that let’s politics break up a friendship, and it’s happening to me and my fiancée.

I used to be very politically active as a college student, so understand the fascination with politics. I guess you have to ask yourself if politics are more important than your fianc’ee and if they are then she will just have to get over you. If not, then put a leash on yourself and have some self control, stop the endless political debate, especially with people who don’t agree with you. Join a political website and do your arguing there.

 

[Peace-bwu]

• I have a hard time forgiving. Basically, I think that if you have burned your bridges with me, I am going to be the one to make sure they crumble if you ever come back to me for something.

This is a spiritual problem. You must repair your relationship with God first and seek His forgiveness through the Sacrament of Confession. When you experience the Grace that comes from Forgiveness, you will understand Jesus’ call to forgive others as He has forgiven you.

• I’m never in a good mood. I’m always angry about something.

This might naturally resolve itself when you work on your spiritual life, if not, make sure you get plenty of exercise, have a hobby outside of work and take that anger management class. Anger is not a bad thing, there is a time to be angry, but it sounds like you have an overwhelming rage issue that needs to be addressed professionally.

To me, irresponsible rage stems from a stunted spiritual maturity. I know it all starts to sound like a broken record, but once you start to see fellow human beings as God sees them, you will be more patient. Once you realize that another person’s well=being is more important than your feelign of anger and tantrum, it will begin to resolve itself, if not a professional may help address this issue.

What really hit me though today, was that someone I know was talking of someone. He said that this guy would put you down any chance he could get to elevate himself. I replied “Wow, what a ‘butt’.” However, I knew who that person sounded like. It sounded like myself (even though we were talking about someone else). I put everyone around me down.

If you find yourself putting everyone around you down, the first thing to begin to understand is that putting another person down will not make you better, it won’t fix any problem, especially your own, it is counter-productive to put everyone down.

Very important, when you start to compare people to each other or to yourself, STOP dead in your tracks. Take a moment, back up and stop comparing! Ask yourself one question. "What is this person doing to make things better? What is one positive thing this person is doing, trying to do, or has done in the past? How does that person work to bring about the Kingdom of heaven? It doesnt’ matter how successful the person is, what are they trying to do? Then thank God that that person is trying to do (whatever it is) even if it’s a young pretty girl trying to bring more beauty into the world, or a mom of three kids, struggling to ask them to say please, or to teach them how to behave at a restaurant, or just giving so much of herself for the children’s well being (because that mom might be me, LOL) What will happen wit this simple habit of trying to change your thought pattern is you will begin to see that person through the eyes of God and see a value and dignity you didn’t see before. God values those who try to bring about the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth, with a smile, a kind word or deed, or simply struggling to get through another day, especially if they are a depressive person or dealing with health issues of tragedy and loss.

Each person you meet is a treasure, even if you can’t see it. Look for it.

What do you suggest I do to make myself that “nice” person – and feel like that is who I was meant to be, not someone I am pretending to me? Don’t mind asking me about my views and whatnot; I would really like people to understand how far deep I am in this “anger” I am.

I gave you a huge post (my record post, I think) of general ways to help with each problem. Choose one in particular. You are about to go into battle, so arm youself with a good Confession and the Eucharist so you can have as much of God’s Grace as possible. You can’t change without God’s Grace.

After that, decide on one specific trait you want to change and let us know what it is.

God Bless!

Peace