Help in dealing with a friend

[im_wildrose]

I’m not sure if this is the “right” place for this but figured it was close. My best friend “Kay” is a wonderful person in many ways. She is gifted with knowing how people are feeling, especially in a group, and is therefore, the one who approaches new people and draws them into the conversation, making sure they feel welcome. She has a large family of really good kids, some of whom are turning into fantastic adults. She is a true friend, a devout Catholic, and we have been friends for over 10 years now, making her one of my “oldest” friends.

Unfortunately, Kay also suffers from depression periodically. She is extremely chemically sensitive and that also affects her depression cycles. When she is like this, she frequently gets very upset by someone over a perceived injustice or mistreatment. Her hurt is very real to her and she gets very upset by whatever has happened. Increasingly, I find that she has blown the incident way out of proportion. There may indeed have been some injustice or someone may have been slightly snarky or could have phrased things better, but generally not to the extent that Kay has taken it. A couple times I have put my foot in my mouth because I responded to something Kay has said, only to get the story from the other party and find that it wasn’t quite the way Kay described.

This is so hard. I love Kay dearly and she is a wonderful, beautiful person who, unfortunately, has been beaten down some by life. She deals with the depression, a worsening heart issue that will likely require treatment within the next few years, has a large family that she homeschools, and this winter, they have all been SO sick - constantly sick with one thing or another from Nov. till now. I feel for her very much and want to be a good friend to her. The trouble I run into though is that I just don’t know how to respond to her. Yes, I know I need to listen, but it’s hard to do that without some sort of response. I don’t want to just pat her on the head and say, “There, there, it will be ok.” That just adds insult to injury. She’s just so raw inside in so many ways.

So, what is the best way to respond when you have a friend who is upset, to the point of tears, over something she perceives to be a personal attack, when really it wasn’t anything of the kind? Thanks for any thoughts or suggestions.

Deo Juvante, Jen

 

[crystal_waters]

Try and get her to go see her dr, she may have underlying mental health issues that are going untreated and need medication,

Is there anybody else who has noticed this behaviour is not normal?

 

[mountee]

She sounds like two different people in the same body. What I wouldn’t give to have her social abilities. I have known people like her in regards to the over reacting, my mother does it constantly and I feel guilty of this sometimes myself. There is no way to stop my mother when she starts in on something and I suspect any type of discussion with your friend will not end well. Perhaps you are one of the positive constants in her life and you should try to remain that for her. I believe in the power of prayer and I will pray for her.

Memorare

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me.

Amen.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’m not sure if this is the “right” place for this but figured it was close. My best friend “Kay” is a wonderful person in many ways. She is gifted with knowing how people are feeling, especially in a group, and is therefore, the one who approaches new people and draws them into the conversation, making sure they feel welcome. She has a large family of really good kids, some of whom are turning into fantastic adults. She is a true friend, a devout Catholic, and we have been friends for over 10 years now, making her one of my “oldest” friends.

Unfortunately, Kay also suffers from depression periodically. She is extremely chemically sensitive and that also affects her depression cycles. When she is like this, she frequently gets very upset by someone over a perceived injustice or mistreatment. Her hurt is very real to her and she gets very upset by whatever has happened. Increasingly, I find that she has blown the incident way out of proportion. There may indeed have been some injustice or someone may have been slightly snarky or could have phrased things better, but generally not to the extent that Kay has taken it. A couple times I have put my foot in my mouth because I responded to something Kay has said, only to get the story from the other party and find that it wasn’t quite the way Kay described.

This is so hard. I love Kay dearly and she is a wonderful, beautiful person who, unfortunately, has been beaten down some by life. She deals with the depression, a worsening heart issue that will likely require treatment within the next few years, has a large family that she homeschools, and this winter, they have all been SO sick - constantly sick with one thing or another from Nov. till now. I feel for her very much and want to be a good friend to her. The trouble I run into though is that I just don’t know how to respond to her. Yes, I know I need to listen, but it’s hard to do that without some sort of response. I don’t want to just pat her on the head and say, “There, there, it will be ok.” That just adds insult to injury. She’s just so raw inside in so many ways.

So, what is the best way to respond when you have a friend who is upset, to the point of tears, over something she perceives to be a personal attack, when really it wasn’t anything of the kind? Thanks for any thoughts or suggestions.

Deo Juvante, Jen

I would recommend to her that she see a doctor for treatment of her depression. I do not know what you mean by “chemically sensitive,” it sounds like one of those hocus-pocus diagnoses that comes from snake oil salesmen selling formulas to rid our bodies of “heavy metals.” Or perhaps she uses that as a reason why she can’t take an antidepressant??

As for her over-reactions, you can listen and be empathetic without agreeing with her or getting caught up in the moment. Just listen, say things like, “I can see that this bothers you very much,” or, “I’m sure you feel hurt by that.” You’re not saying, “Yeah that LOUSY so-and-so!” You’re just mirroring her feelings. Remember that you are speaking with the depression and not your friend. Just picture a black cloud over her head and imagine talking to THAT and not the person you know her to be. Let it all go when you leave her.

But the main thing is to recommend that she sees a doctor for treatment.