Help! Is God calling me out of a relationship or is this all in my own head?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Walterross
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
W

Walterross

Guest
Met a girl on CatholicMatch who wants everything that I do

I’m extremely attracted to her and she’s extremely attracted to me

We both share the common goal of getting each other and our children to heaven, and having a big family

Everything was going great, and we FaceTimed nearly every day. We stayed up late a few times and I started to miss daily mass for about a week. It starts early at 8. I also stopped praying my rosary and chaplet everyday.

In these waves of anxiety I felt something was not right. I figured that it was because I was placing this girl on a pedestal. I’ve started praying my rosary and chaplet everyday again and she even made it a point to tell me not to miss daily mass. I haven’t missed since and now I’m back on track.

I still feel some anxiety and I’m wondering if it is because God was calling me back to himself, and he still wants me to pursue her, which I hope it is.

But I’m afraid that perhaps God is calling me to be a priest again. I still ponder hell very much and am deeply saddened that many will go there. It’s almost to the point that I feel guilty because I know I’ll be able to save at least a few souls as a priest, and me being happily married with a family is selfish. That maybe I should have just gave it all up to save others. Am I being selfish?

I also struggle with general depression and anxiety and I just got off of a drug called accutane for acne. It is said to cause depression in some and worsen it in others. I felt depressed and anxious while taking it but I think it was because of newfound knowledge about hell, judgement, etc.

I already have purchased a flight to meet her and her family and spend a few days there.

I have no idea what God wants because I feel this deep anxiety when I think of either vocation. (Not saving enough souls as a priest, or not being fulfilled because I made the wrong choice to get married)

This girl and I have already told each other that we love each other and want to get married someday. Everything seems great. So why is this feeling here? Is it my irrational fear of everyone going to hell or is it a genuine call to priesthood which I really don’t want.

Why won’t God let me be happy? Or is my general fears and mental health to blame for all of this?

The last thing I want to do is lead this amazing girl on if God isn’t going to take this pit out of my stomach. I don’t want to hurt her. I feel a bit guilty even just talking to her, since I don’t want to lead her on if I’m called elsewhere.

I also don’t want to let her go, (she’s everything I’ve ever wanted). Especially if I’m not called to the priesthood, and I miss out on a wife of a lifetime. I want to make sure that I’m not leaving this relationship out of fear or commitment or wanting to not be responsible for a wife and family (physically, financially, etc.) I feel like I’m getting cold feet in this relationship. Or is the devil trying to hold me back from something great? I’m very indecisive as it is with normal decisions let alone some that could lead to marriage. I don’t want this to be one of those things where I’m unable to commit and always have “one foot out the door”
 
Also, I know some of you might say, you shouldn’t have been dating if you’re discerning… Well I decided that I have to pull the trigger on something at some point and marriage seemed more appealing to me. So I tried that first.
 
Guest1 said:
Would you consider speaking to a priest about what you shared with us? Also a vocational director.
Click to expand...
Got an appointment for tomorrow. Just curious to see what others think or if they’ve experienced anything similar.
 
Walter, I really think it would be great if you got some help for your anxiety. I’ve read a few of your threads and what stands out in them to me is how much worry you have. I really do recommend talking to a therapist about it. Also, if you haven’t, talk to your doctor about your medication. You can’t let your life be ruled by fear.

Also talk to your Priest, if you haven’t already. He will be able to help you see things more clearly.
 
Guest1 said:
I don’t know if there’s any Catholic Church rules regarding that but I hope you let her know that you are.
Click to expand...
I’ve told her that in the past few months I was seriously discerning the priesthood, but when I decided to discern marriage, I met her and everything seemed to fall into place. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted on paper. Yet all of a sudden, one day after I felt like I was placing her on a pedestal, I got this rush of anxiety. I don’t know if it was God calling me back to himself, which I’ve returned and put her in her proper place in my life. I definitely was all in on her until this wave of anxiety hit me.
 
So- you’re dating a girl you haven’t even met in person yet, you have underlying anxiety issues that predate meeting her, yet you’re somehow blaming God and thinking that He doesn’t want you to marry her because you decided to skip mass and your daily prayers? Say what? None of this makes sense.
 
Last edited:
CoffeeFanatic said:
So- you’re dating a girl you haven’t even met in person yet, you have underlying anxiety issues that predate meeting her, yet you’re somehow blaming God and think He doesn’t want you to marry her because you decided to skip mass and your daily prayers? Say what? None of this makes sense.
Click to expand...
I suppose maybe God is telling me I’m moving too fast in the relationship? I sure hope that is the case. I guess I’m just concerned at how the anxiety hit me all of a sudden, which it hadn’t done previously. That’s why I’m wondering if it is God calling me out of the relationship.
 
Walterross said:
Got an appointment for tomorrow. Just curious to see what others think or if they’ve experienced anything similar.
Click to expand...
That’s great to hear. Hopefully he will be able to help you.

I do want to say, gently, that it is totally normal to meet a girl, fall head over heels and (temporarily) forget or push aside other important aspects of your life. It’s good that you recognised you were doing it and you pulled back to balance everything better.

I think you’re just putting so much pressure on yourself to know everything, to commit to something. Remember you haven’t even met this girl in real life yet and already you want to marry her. I remember your last thread just over a month ago where you were worried about marriage and fatherhood. Perhaps (I mean this in the nicest possible way) you’ve met this girl, liked her, and thought “here’s the answer to my anxiety”. Like, you’ve met someone and that’s what decided your vocation, if that makes sense. But you’re still worried because in the back of your mind you know it should be the other way around and that’s what’s affecting you.

That’s the impression I have reading your post, I could be totally off! Honestly what I really think is that you should just slow down. Don’t rush into getting married, take your time.

Your anxiety doesn’t have to be God telling you you’re wrong, by the way. I would be wary of attributing God to something that actually could just be your own thought processes, your mental health issues. Be careful of that.
 
Last edited:
I’m not sure you should be blaming God for causing you anxiety. Something seems very off about that type of thinking. I don’t blame God when I skip going to church and my daily prayers. I blame myself.
 
Last edited:
Thanks! I hope that that is what it is. I really do want this to work with her, and I really don’t want to be a priest, even though I do feel “some” peace in doing that. Yet I think some of that peace comes from me being an introvert and a priest living alone. I wouldn’t have to provide directly for someone, yet I know, the responsibility of the priest is even greater (souls).
CoffeeFanatic said:
I’m not sure you should be blaming God for causing you anxiety. Something seems very off about that type of thinking. I don’t blame God when I skip going to church and my daily prayers. I blame myself.
Click to expand...
I don’t want to associate God with the feeling of anxiety but I’ve always heard that when you feel peace, that is where God wants you. If there was peace, and now there is not, might that be God?
 
Right, but I realized that she was taking up the room where those already were. The last thing I’d want to do is make an idol of her and end up in hell. Yikes. It’s just so hard and scary, this discernment thing. I almost feel as if the priesthood, shoot or even brotherhood is the “safer” way to get to Heaven. Yet I care so much about this girl and her soul. I definitely don’t want to lose her.
 
Walterross said:
It’s almost to the point that I feel guilty because I know I’ll be able to save at least a few souls as a priest, and me being happily married with a family is selfish.
Click to expand...
You seem to see marriage as a kind of second best vocation to priesthood. Marriage is a vocation that requires your full dedication and a lot of sacrifice. It seems like you’re overthinking this issue. God doesn’t call us with anxiety or fear of hell. He uses our desires to show us what path we should take. God will never coerce you with fear. If you like this young lady and she likes you then stop feeling guilty.
 
AdamP88 said:
You seem to see marriage as a kind of second best vocation to priesthood. Marriage is a vocation that requires your full dedication and a lot of sacrifice. It seems like you’re overthinking this issue
Click to expand...
I sure hope I’m just overthinking. I guess I had just been feeling weird and almost like I’m “leading her on” in our Facetimes since i didn’t have this figured out.
 
Until you get hold of your anxiety, @Walterross, you will never be happy. If you continue to let your anxiety trick you into thinking God is displeased with you, you will never be happy. Because your anxiety will always, always whisper “what if you’re wrong” into your ear. That’s what anxiety is. You will never feel as though you’ve discerned properly, you will always feel guilty for leaning one way or the other.

You need to start by tackling it. Don’t let it force you into being so scared of the afterlife that you aren’t able to live in this one. Please speak to your doctor about getting some help for it, as soon as you can.
 
Lou2U said:
Until you get hold of your anxiety, @Walterross, you will never be happy. If you continue to let your anxiety trick you into thinking God is displeased with you, you will never be happy. Because your anxiety will always, always whisper “what if you’re wrong” into your ear. That’s what anxiety is. You will never feel as though you’ve discerned properly, you will always feel guilty for leaning one way or the other.

You need to start by tackling it. Don’t let it force you into being so scared of the afterlife that you aren’t able to live in this one. Please speak to your doctor about getting some help for it, as soon as you can.
Click to expand...
Such a simple reply but very helpful. Thank you. I’ll try to see what I can do.
 
Hearts are not limited. We can love and serve God while we love and serve others.

Discerning the priesthood is not a thing one does alone. Speak to your priest
 
Walter, sorry to be a bucket of cold water, but…

You’re 21-22 by my count. You have a LOT of living to do.

I must ask: Why are you confessing your love for this woman - and why is she doing the same - when you’ve never met (as that seems to be the case)? IMHO NO ONE can really love someone when they’ve merely facetimed a few times, even a LOT of times - you have to really know them first, and, sorry to say, neither of you really knows the other one.

I echo the sentiments that you must get your anxiety under wraps - but beyond that, just please slow down both about this young lady and about life and what you plan to do.
 
I don’t see anything wrong in your relationship with this young lady, from what you’ve said. As has been mentioned, missing daily mass or having less time to pray may not be unusual with a new relationship. We are only given 24 hours in a day. Before you met her, you did not have to make time for her. Those hours have to come from somewhere. It’s good she’s encouraging you. Hopefully, you’ll be able to get back to daily mass but you’ll be lucky if you can manage it when/if kids come along. If you really are just 21, then I’m not sure if you work full time yet, but sometimes, adults don’t have as much free time as we’d like. You may have to re-adjust your expectations on that, even if the relationship ends.

I also don’t think you need to worry too much about the vocation thing. I can’t discern for you, but God will give you the desire to be a priest if that’s your calling. No one will recommend you to go to seminary if you don’t want to. I noticed that you keep saying “God is calling me back to Him”, and not “God is calling me to seminary”. I wonder if maybe you feel like the priesthood automatically brings you closer to God because of the additional prayer time etc. Rest assured you can find God in everything, including the tasks needed to be a husband and father. If you’ve already discerned that the priesthood is not for you, this could just be your anxiety making you question yourself.

I also think your introversion might be making you nervous about meeting her. We introverts tend to worry more about what others think of us, and we worry about getting enough alone time (make sure you still get some!!). I think the trip may provide some clarity for you. Look at it this way, if you end up not working out, it’s not like she lives next door. You may never need to see her again unless you want to, LOL.

All of this said, you are young, and your anxiety issues are… worry-some. While I don’t think you need to break up right now, you need to deal with one thing at a time. You may need to postpone any major steps in your relationship until you speak with someone about your mental health. Be aware, improving mental health and anxiety may take months or years depending on the individual. Most professionals wouldn’t recommend starting a relationship during that time, but then I’m no professional. I DO think it is NECESSARY that you only move forward once it’s under control. Fluctuating moods and being on a mental heath roller coaster is no time to say “I Do”.

I wish you and her the best, and I do hope it works out. But do know that you are young. Take care of yourself too. You have time. I thought I was ready for marriage discernment at your age, but looking back, I was not. It may be different for you, but take it slow.
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top