Help! I've been downt his road before

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eli1118

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My husband and I have been married 12 years. We have had many trials and have managed to stay together.Most of the trials involve in obsession with math and my son. We have one son who is 6 and gifted however emotionally he acts younger.
My husband demands that he do 3rd grade math or higher everyday, he gets a break once a week. His session is about 45mins but longer if my son gets frustrated and throws a tantrum.We have argued and frankly I have even thrown the separation card out there which only makes it worse. My husband says i should back him up on this.
If we go on vacation, the math goes too. I know he has only good, loving intentions but it is hurting our marriage. I don’t like him very much right now. When my husband doesn’t get his way he can be mean and loud.
I love my husband and I know this may be my cross. Right now I am numb. Any suggestions?
Blessings to all,
 
Praying for you and your husband. You need to talk privately in a loving manner with him. Let him know how you feel about the issue you discussed. I would also take it to prayer. Say a rosary everyday or a decade at a time if you do not have a lot of time. If you have a near by adoration chapel go and visit with our Lord and bring this to him in prayer.

Kerri 🙂
 
Praying for you and your husband and your son. First things first take separation off the table, don’t even bring it into an argument because once the seed is planted all it needs is a little water to make it grow and you do not want that. Keep praying, not just for your husband to change but for your response and how you handle everything and how you react, you both seem to have your back up so both of you need to make some changes.

Suggest some small trial changes with your husband maybe doing grade level work on one day and a higher level another day. Maybe reduce the time a couple days for the week or break up the time into smaller bites with breaks in between.

If your husband gets mean and loud then you need to stay calm and loving, encourage him to feed off of your tone instead of feeding off of his.
 
I don’t know all the details but unless your son has a passion for this, i don’t feel it would be wise to push him. It has to be a joy for him to do this. He has the right to be a child and not being exposed to competition like this as such a young age.

Anyway, you could compromise. Talk with your husband that he should inspire your son versus alienating him. The most important job that you have as parent, is to teach your son to stay his foot grounded with the Catholic faith, provide a safe and loving home and then to pass on your skill to help him later in life.

If i get this right, your husband seems very competitive and his definition of success is to surpass everyone. If he is a devoted Catholic and Jesus teaching, it is clear that it might not be wise to teach these human value to his child but God’s value instead. It is far more important to go to heaven at the end of our life then to make million during this short life as human.

I would pray Mother Mary, say rosary and ask the Holy Family to help you (St-Joseph, Mary and Jesus). Ask St-Joseph to guide your husband.

It is human when we despair, that we make threat to divorce but i know this isn’t the way. If your husband is open to it, i would consult with a priest. I am sure they have some family program etc…

Your son will never develop a deeper love for math, if most of his experiences are negative. It has to be inspiring to him. We are always great at something we love, not at what we learned to repulse.

I pray for your husband to get it, for your family to be blessed and your son to know that his daddy loves him.
 
Well, here is an anecdote that may translate well to your situation:

We had a friend who got his son in Football early, like 6 or 7. The child was an exceptional athlete. He won honors in hight school, and later was recruited by a major University and played there. He was so good he was drafted by an NFL team and promised a big bonus. He declined. He was tired of football. He had had enough.

Just saying, don’t take all the joy out of it!
 
Whatever you do, please make sure your son learns about things that are more important than math like God and His Church and make sure the poor little guy doesn’t get burnt out. He is only six after all. (I’m sure you’re taking good care of him, but reading this has made me concerned.)
 
I appreciate all your prayers and suggestions.
I took it our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament and continue to pray. As of now, my husband and I are truly not speaking. I am giving him time to let him approach me. I’m leary of doing it before he does, b/c he may just not want to talk or alter the situation.

Right now I’m trying to stay calm and positive for my son.

Blessings and thanks to all.
 
I will say what has been said in the previous posts you posted on this subject:

THIS IS ABUSIVE.

Why are you here, a year and a half later, and your poor son is still being subjected to abuse. Yelling. Screaming. Making him do 45 minutes of math homework 3 grade levels above his level in school.

Your poor little guy was only 4 then. Now he is 6. How much longer will you allow your husband’s abuse to continue?
 
What Chantal25 and 1ke said. Plus this - I pretty much dislike the “gifted” label for children because it was slapped on me like a barcode because I could read and write in kindergarten. Then after a month I got put in first grade. I felt like a freak and floundered (also had ADD which didn’t get diagnosed till age 35 but that’s another story). My Mom, who was I think initially proud, became upset when I didn’t just take to this new environment and we’d go round and round about it.

The anger and upset were not worth it and my Mom regretted it later. Forgiveness and healing took place. However, it took me decades (not all due to the Mom conflict but to peers and teachers, the ADD, and lots of other factors) of going back and forth between hiding and embracing my intellectual gifts from God and reclaiming them for myself and for His greater honor and glory, rather than people-pleasing. Now I even embrace my geekiness! 😃

But my point is, why torment a kid over the competitive stuff?! Who he is as a person is what’s really important. Tell Dad to lighten up!
 
45 minute sessions are too long for a six-year-old. If he wants his son to be really good at math, it’s better to do it in short spurts and to show him how to use math to solve everyday problems. He should look for ways to incorporate math problems into games, chores, and activities that he and your son enjoy doing together. (example: explaining how batting averages are calculated or something like that) This is more age appropriate instruction and will strengthen their relationship. Perhaps you could share this with your husband:
amazon.com/Plus-Super-Fun-Math-Activities/dp/B007FI9Q28/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1361482914&sr=8-2&keywords=fun+math+activities
 
eli1118 said:
My husband and I have been married 12 years. We have had many trials and have managed to stay together.Most of the trials involve in obsession with math and my son. We have one son who is 6 and gifted however emotionally he acts younger.
My husband demands that he do 3rd grade math or higher everyday, he gets a break once a week. His session is about 45mins but longer if my son gets frustrated and throws a tantrum.We have argued and frankly I have even thrown the separation card out there which only makes it worse. My husband says i should back him up on this.
If we go on vacation, the math goes too. I know he has only good, loving intentions but it is hurting our marriage. I don’t like him very much right now. When my husband doesn’t get his way he can be mean and loud.
I love my husband and I know this may be my cross. Right now I am numb. Any suggestions?
Blessings to all,
Click to expand...
I see notes from others that this has been going on for a couple of years. I would definitely throw the separation card plus anything else I needed to stop this abuse of your son. Family counseling would be nice, but first get your son out of that toxic environment. Discuss this with your pastor, friends, family members. Get some support, go to a women and family shelter. Let your child know it is not his fault, and that you want him to continue to do well in math but without the excessive pressure. Fight for your child.
 
Please do not threaten to seperate from your husband in order to get him to do what you want. If you actually plan to seperate, as in you have called your sister and she has a spare room and your bags are packed, then that is one thing, but it is so harmful to say you will leave if he doesn’t do what you say.

It is extremely harmful when your son finds out about it and there is a good chance that will happen. I remember one night when my mom threatened to leave my stepdad after a fight. She told my younger brother and sister and I to pack our bags because we were going to a hotel.

It was literally one of the worst moments in my life. It was like reliving the night my dad left all over again, when I had to sit on the sofa and watch him taking things out to the car and I wasn’t allowed to cry or say anything. I’ve had lots of unpleasant and traumatic experiences in my life, but those two are probably the only that have never left me. After the episode with my stepdad, we didn’t end up leaving, but I did pack a bag. I put clothes and $200 that I had saved up in it. The next morning I had my friend hide it in her shed. It was my escape bag in case my mom ever tried that again. I can’t begin to tell you how important it is to your son that you not use that as a “card”. That is only to be verbalized if it is going to happen not as a threat.
 
I appreciate all the advice. As of yesterday, he doesn’t want to change his ways. 45min is not long if he can do the math is what he says.
I have realized that I can’t let my son be put under this stress. so I said you can do 20 min everyday if not we need to go to a mediator. He says I will find something to be upset about any way so why should he change. Obviously, this is more that just about our child and math.
Prayers are appreciated.
thank you
 
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